#voltos

The words across the page looked scratched out, deeply dug into the textured parchment. The ink, pitch black, soaking into the page.

So perfect. So gloriously delicious. At long last, what I have craved through years of waiting will be mine. And you, insipid golden child, will gift me with it all. 

I did so enjoy your 'family' last night. So eager to see you die. The taste of their arguing, bickering and ranting delighted the tongue so, made all the more savory as I ripped at the tiny flicker that is you, rather -was- you, left inside. Stupid fool, you couldn't even get it right when you sought to carve the poor pathetic feelings from your heart. You missed, stupid bitch! BUT, no matter. I'll give you one tidbit you can take glee from, the Troll...his sacrifice almost, ALMOST was enough to keep your soul alight. But, you know what they say about almost.

The creature purred, her words hissed against the vessel's ear. Invisible claws within Riesse's mind dragged along her throat to inflict pain that was all too real.

How did it feel, Mage, knowing they cared more about arguing than they did the sight of you laying caked in blood, your vapid life draining away? By the Gods it was glorious to drink in. They fed my thirst, assuaged my hunger. They even thought to kill you in order to see me dead! ME! The little bug was the only one that cared as you bled out. They didn't even listen to her words. I had thought she might pose a challenge. Dare I say it? I was wrong!

The hideous creature laughed, cackles harsh and bitter filling Riesse's mind.

Dim-witted creatures! Brainless. I can not be extinguished for I lurk in the heart of every man. For each drop of alcohol that passes the lips, for every sweet inhalation of Thistle, I feed. Every painful word, every senseless act of cruelty sates my hunger. Whispers of lust, gluttony, pride, all most sweet on the pallet. No, you will never snuff me from existence. And Silvermoon, such a banquet indeed. What was his name, the one you fought so hard to hide from me? Yessss...Voltos. He wanted to return the dagger to your chest! Isn't that blissful?!

Two days. Oh how I glory in the thought. Your soul will be mine, forever bellowing from the container that I choose to send it to. There is simply nothing you can do and that, -THAT- coupled with the fact that those you loved help ME in your destruction makes it all the more sweet.

Riesse's fingers moved to her side, lovingly caressing the dagger there.

The words on the page were scribbled rather than the usual ornate and flowing style that was hers.

The poison in my blood lingers. It's grasp tight, clinging with a tenacity that lends itself to more than mere poison cast from herb tinctures. 

It started a week past now, from what I thought was a mere scratch, a nail sticking out from a crate on the back loading dock catching my leg. I am beginning to wonder...

The fever lingers, rising and falling as the night edges closer. Only in the bright of the morning light do I feel any semblance of normalcy and that is scant. I found my temper short last night, my words cold and cutting. The ache in my muscles and sting of pain still as fresh as the day the 'scratch' occurred was not excuse enough for my actions.

Siro was there once more, on the steps and leaning against the wall. I invited him in but had not heart to banter with him. The day approaches that we begin the search for his mysterious crystals and I can only hope to be at full strength by then as I have no trust for the man what so ever. 

Vol has succumbed to his old ways once more in the fullest extent. His addiction steals his mind and capacities. I love him, I've never denied that fact nor will I ever and yet, the disappointment I felt last night was deeper than any feeling I've had in a long time. I begin to lose hope for him and in him. It seems he will never change and that, I can not abide.

(TW: Suicide-Kavorkian style)

Dear Journal....

Gods, did I really write that?

Riesse paused, her pen lifting from the page a bit to brush across her eyes. Gone was the light in her icy green eyes, gone was the smile that more often than not lifted the corners of her lips upward. No smirk danced, hovering to be given with a wink.

I have to put to paper, the occurrences of the last few days. To sort out the emotion of it all. To make sense of the senseless in some way. The convolution and conjecture swirling and mixing needs to be set straight for me to deal with it and put it in the past. Then, when they come to me with questions, perhaps, -perhaps- I can find the words to offer some answers to the questions that have no answers. People will assume what they wish, they always do but, the truth of it all will remain locked away with those that know it.

Her pen shook as her hand trembled and again, she lifted it from the page briefly as she took a deep breath.

Jahaerys is gone. He called out to us, over the comm. begging us to come to him. The raw, aching pain in his voice was something even the comm.'s distance and mechanical tincture could not disguise. 

Voltos's and Rook's faces had to be reflections of my own as we neared the manor. Solemn, already knowing instinctively that the end was just inside the massive door that stood open.

The man barely stood on his own and when he entered the great hall, what held him up failed. He crumbled, his once mighty and proud countenance gone. The illusion of youth no longer held in place by magic, deep lines were like rivers engraved in his face. Once bright and intelligent eyes held only emptiness and sorrow now, a contradiction of all that life was. His body frail, wasted away by his practices. He was crippled by the life he'd spent and his pain evident.

"She is gone. I want to join her..."

Jah managed to utter those words, a last breath, if you will, of an already dying man. His eyes, they will haunt me to my dying day. They begged us, as friends in some form and manner, a family that had formed around him when none of his was left. His eyes begged us to end his torment.

"Fire.... let there be nothing of me that remains....please, Gods please end this torment..."

For a moment, I shut my ears to the sound of his pleas. I refused to hear, refused to believe. I knew his words were truth. Ace was gone though no official word had yet to be released. I knew it with my entire being for the truth that it was. She had lost hope, given up and given in. The betrayal, the missing files, the whispering of secrets that would rip us all apart was more than she could bear. In the end, she lost the will to fight, to -try- as she sank back into the pit of despair that was her past. There would be no third chance and she knew it.

In that moment, looking into Jah's eyes as he begged us to take his life when he had not the strength to do so, my heart turned to stone. Cold, empty and devoid of life and though I shook my head, rebuking his request, I knew what I had to do. What we three must do for a man we respected and loved.

I grit my teeth, looking to Rook's face as the withered hand of Jahaerys reached out, lifting from the cold stone floor in his direction. I have rarely seen my brothers eyes so cold, so hard and yet filled with pure, unadulterated pain. He gave a simple nod and moved to Jah with a glance to me. His blade was swift, the movement barely seen as he spoke in a reverent whisper.

"Go in peace, go in love, your memory will remain in our hearts, friend."

Jahaerys's face eased then, a smile replacing the anguish. Peace settled over him and his hand brushed across Rook's face as his eyes turned to me, his last request, one that only I could fulfill.

I don't recall the steps that took me to his side, or the stone that bit into my knees as I knelt, my hand on his chest. I don't remember if I looked away from his eyes at all.

"Stars guide you, friend. May you find the peace you longed for in this life. Tell my sister, I forgive her and love her. Her secret will be kept. Go in peace. I forgive."

We walked away, the flames licking the walls and none of us looked back.

When Bels told me of the letter, the death of Ace having been finally revealed, I screamed against it, railing at the finality I already knew. For one single moment, I wanted to believe it wasn't true. That the betrayal hadn't happened. But, it had and they were gone. Two people that I had given my heart to were no more in this world. We would keep their memories in our hearts, their final days locked away from the world and in doing so, the world would not see that darkness but only the light that both of them bestowed but, could not see for themselves. People would talk, would whisper and make conjectures about the why of it, the senselessness of it all but, they will never know the truth of what happened, that was my charge, our gift to Jahaerys and Acalinia. They would go in peace, finally.

Her quill shook as she penned the latest entry to her journal. Riesse sat alone in her office, the light of the morning streaming in was touched with gloom. Over cast, clouds hung low, a echo of her mood.

Vol left last night. He said he'd never leave. He left.

He had every reason to leave, every right and he was right to do so. I am not good enough for him any more.

He told me words Ace and Jah spoke, words that tore at my heart and wrenched my soul. Cael is right, being a leader offers no true friendship it seems. Why had I believed that wasn't how things were? Wasn't how we were? The perpetuation of a foolish woman's dreams.

Ace... I need her now and she's gone too. Not in the same way as Vol but, still gone. Since she 'changed' she is no longer the Ace I knew. She was always my rock, whispering her thoughts and wisdom in my ear. She listened, open minded with no judgement or condemnation for the mistakes I make. That is not the case any longer. I feel like I've lost my sister as well as someone I loved.

I wanted to run after Vol, to stop him, to take his hand in mine and agree to what he asked of me. I couldn't. I forced myself to stand rooted to the spot. I held my breath, closed my eyes and turned my back as he went through the door. I couldn't watch him walking away. In many ways, he had become my best friend but, in recent weeks, that too was gone, replaced by anger, hurt and mistrust.

I wanted to find him after he left but, I knew it wouldn't be fair, not to any one. The truth is journal, I lied to him. I lied -for- him, to protect him.

The truth is, I couldn't make the choice he asked because when I choose love, it always dies. If I don't love, nothing dies.

I've accepted a life without love now. I am coming to terms with it. Cael is right in the things he says. I know him for what he is as well. There is no misconception there despite what the whispers say behind my back.

This is what it means to be really and truly alone.

So, I felt compelled to write this today. This is a thank you. A thank you to every friend I've made in my little make-believe world, whether they are still around or not. If we can be honest for a moment, I'll confess that I do not have a single actual friend in my real life. If I was stuck somewhere in my city and needed to get home, there is no one I could call to help. However, I can get through my days knowing that when I see any number of you online, I will be greeted with kindness, with laughter, with a want to interact. 

Some of these interactions may be between my alter-ego and others, which is okay. To me, those can still be very real. When Amariesse hugs Ace and tells her she's beautiful, I can hear it too. When Rook blatantly tells Acalinia that she is worth something, I feel it. When Belyndrae whispers words of endearment into Ace's mine, you'd better believe I hear it in my own.

Same with Aeregorn and his blunt, snarky comments. Or Ana with a heart so kind I pray no one ever breaks it. Voltos with his feigned arrogance and understanding, Nikkitah with his blatant disregard for social customs.. and a love for the dead which I can get behind. 

And some of these interactions may be between Miranda Durrell and the players behind a screen name. Those mean much more. I'll not discuss them here, as some things are meant to be kept private, but every conversation I have with any of you on a personal level means something.

I just wanted to say thank you today because, if it weren't for so many of you, I would not still be here. When you live a life where you are invisible to everyone, what's the point, right?  But then I found all of you. Not just the few mentioned here, but every single person I have spoken to in our little make-believe world. You have all impacted my life.

And I thank you for that.

I am physically sick with bloodlust. With the woman’s lifeless, desecrated corpse splayed out upon the floor of the Whispering Forest, I ran to the base of a tree and vomitted. Bile and blood ran together to coat this tree’s roots in a thin, acidic substance which filled the air with a slightly sour odour.  They say you can swallow a pint of blood before you get sick. But how many organs before you become ill? How much flesh? 

I would rather not reveal that answer to you. 

'I can help you through this addiction, Ace.' Silly Aeregorn. This wasn’t an addiction. I lusted for this, I crave it, I -want- it. I want to feel the warm, red, metallic water pull at my throat and coat my stomach in a layer of.. contentment. With raw organs filling me, I finally felt voidless. All those holes left by lovers, friends, family and enemies were filled and smoothed over by the consumption of my brethren.  So no, Aeregorn, I cannot stop. 

If I cease this putrid practice, I will crumble into nothing. I will become sand, only fit to count the days away like grains in an hourglass.  I want this.  I want this. I want this. But I -know- I need to stop.  This is behaviour not fit for an employee of the state. Gods, what would Amariesse do if she found out? If she knew that my nervous ticks today in the Registry were from the little-known fact that I eat people. She would tell Rook. And Rook would put me down. Would Rook understand? Or blindly follow his sister’s revulsion? I pray I never have to find out.. I’d pray to Elune herself.