#caeluith

“Heh..I haven’t seen this fellow in a good bit. For a while he hung around like a little fly. Then he disappeared. Oddly enough right as that other fellow did. I have seen him around here and there. He seemed to be up to something but whatever it was, he either finished his job or lost interest. The last time we spoke, I was rather harsh but I can’t imagine he thinks me very scary. I don’t trust him.”

Her quill shook as she penned the latest entry to her journal. Riesse sat alone in her office, the light of the morning streaming in was touched with gloom. Over cast, clouds hung low, a echo of her mood.

Vol left last night. He said he'd never leave. He left.

He had every reason to leave, every right and he was right to do so. I am not good enough for him any more.

He told me words Ace and Jah spoke, words that tore at my heart and wrenched my soul. Cael is right, being a leader offers no true friendship it seems. Why had I believed that wasn't how things were? Wasn't how we were? The perpetuation of a foolish woman's dreams.

Ace... I need her now and she's gone too. Not in the same way as Vol but, still gone. Since she 'changed' she is no longer the Ace I knew. She was always my rock, whispering her thoughts and wisdom in my ear. She listened, open minded with no judgement or condemnation for the mistakes I make. That is not the case any longer. I feel like I've lost my sister as well as someone I loved.

I wanted to run after Vol, to stop him, to take his hand in mine and agree to what he asked of me. I couldn't. I forced myself to stand rooted to the spot. I held my breath, closed my eyes and turned my back as he went through the door. I couldn't watch him walking away. In many ways, he had become my best friend but, in recent weeks, that too was gone, replaced by anger, hurt and mistrust.

I wanted to find him after he left but, I knew it wouldn't be fair, not to any one. The truth is journal, I lied to him. I lied -for- him, to protect him.

The truth is, I couldn't make the choice he asked because when I choose love, it always dies. If I don't love, nothing dies.

I've accepted a life without love now. I am coming to terms with it. Cael is right in the things he says. I know him for what he is as well. There is no misconception there despite what the whispers say behind my back.

This is what it means to be really and truly alone.