This video really inspired me as a black ballet dancer (I also have curves and I am often labeled as "strong" or "muscular" by others). I am also currently the only black dancer in my school and while I know I am accepted and welcomed and I feel lucky to be in such a nurturing environment that is my school, VKDCNY, too many black dancers and other dancers of color don't necessarily receive the same experience in their schools and companies. Change is slow but it looks like we are making progress, slowly but surely here in America and all around the world. This was really nice to watch!

XoXo~ciao~xOxO

I SERIOUSLY almost KILLED myself in class today doing a string of cabrioles.🙊 My legs got all tangled mid-air, arms were everywhere, my landings wobbled👀 It was a little scary, kind of funny and a big mess.🙈 I was so embarrassed, I wanted to crawl out of one of the open windows in our studio and disappear. I barely managed to look my teachers in the eye as we bowed to finish class. Here's the thing: I'm still scared to jump after the immense pain in my hips and ankles #mctd and constant falling not too long ago when I was learning how to jump again in physical therapy. I have the same thing when I turn en Pointe. Fortunately, these are my favorite things so I am eager to work on them. Unfortunately, I just go for it because I want to improve quickly and overcome my hesitancy. This turns into a disaster sometimes...like today🐶 I also discovered I can't do entrechat-dix correctly. They became a wiggly mess. To be honest, I don't remember how my teacher Audrey Penn taught me to do these before. I know she did, but I need to relearn my beats in general so they are more supple and crisp. If you want to know what I am going for, check out these links: https://youtu.be/mn4SptDAuE8 https://youtu.be/xJDx4vGsjvU The ultimate, a triple cabriole https://youtu.be/91WSzjX0LdA Time to go home a practice these jumps slowly! 👅 👣 Thanks for reading! Let's stay en Pointe and defy gravity! XoXo~ciao~xOxO

On my last day of rehearsal for the Nutcracker, I was on the phone with my parents who live in Abu Dhabi. They watched over video as I sewed the ribbons on my pointe shoes and stretched before rehearsal. At one point during our video chat they stopped me and asked: "when was the last time you performed on stage in a big production like this?" After pausing to think about it, I responded: "it's been over two years..." "Well, welcome back!" they exclaimed. It surprised me how elated they were for me. Because of how severe my MCDT had become and the physical affects on my joints, they're constant worry eventually turned into constant questioning of my reasons to stay in New York City and return to Classical Ballet. But their sudden elation was fitting because before my hiatus, me performing on stage in big productions near or far from them was a regular occurence. Dancing on stage this weekend was even more significant for me because it was this same time two years ago that I came off of my two month bed rest and returned to New York to continue dancing with Dance With Me Dance Studios. Back then I had been in New York for about a year training in ballet outside of my work with Dance With Me in hopes auditioning for a ballet company and when I could I created ballet-ballroom fusions (they would call it Theatrical Dance) to perform at our many shows. Unfortunately, the damage to my body was too far gone to continue dancing so I was forced to stop and focus on my treatment. At loss for what to do next, I decided to pursue higher education in the arts and songwriting. I was brought backed to Classical Ballet instead. Along with physical therapy two to three times per week and weekly doctor visits, I had to learn to dance ballet again from scratch starting with the bare basics like how to balance in releve and do plies and tendus. My mind remembered most things but the challenge was getting my body to translate and execute the technique properly. With rigid joints, inflammation and faltering stamina this was an uphill battle. My doctors were not very confident that my body would make enough of a recovery to handle the demands of Classical Ballet. I was heart broken to hear such sobering news that I would probably never be dance Ballet professionally on top of having to leave Dance With Me. That was one of the darkest times in my life. Despite what the doctors said, my ballet coach and yoga instructor believed the exact opposite and guided me through it all. I relied on their belief in my potential until I could look in the mirror again and believe for myself. Afterall, Ballet is what I love most. Two years later, I have broken medical barriers, gained the support of my doctors and made it back to the stage in two really beautiful productions of The Nutcracker at Symphony Space yesterday. I was a nervous wreck during our tech rehearsal although I wasn't nearly as nervous during the shows as I thought I would be. All of the pre-show good luck signs happened to me too: broken costume during the tech run, broken point shoes two days before the show, blanking out on steps during rehearsal and feeling bewildered. It all turned out for the better though because the shows were pretty seamless and my teachers were very pleased with all of us! I walked away from the theatre last night feeling grateful to be part of such an incredible school and grateful for my journey. None of it is easy and there is more pain than not, but all my hard work is paying off. I have more support now than I have ever had in my life before. I am more confident in myself than I have been in such a long time. It's nice to find myself dreaming all the time of dancing on the big stages with my favorite companies. It's good to be able to look in the mirror and find something to smile about in my dancing again! My belief in my future as a ballerina is being restored. Thanks for reading! Let's stay en Pointe and defy gravity ;) XoXo~ciao~xOxO

It's the final week of Nutcracker rehearsals. There are only 5 days left before the day of the show. I'm not nervous yet and I hope I don't get too nervous or anxious before the show! But I'm sure the butterflies that you get in your stomach before you go on stage will be waiting for me! There is so much going on and so much to do that I know this time will fly by quickly. Before I know it it'll be time to rehearse for our Spring performance. I'm looking forward to it all! I'll soon be writing about how it felt to be onstage again and all about the performance! Thanks for reading! Let's stay en Pointe and defy gravity ;) XoXo~ciao~xOxO

A grateful me :)

Going to VKDCNY classes and classes with Kat, is like attending an audition only I know about. I'm a nervous wreck, super anxious inside to progress in that class and intent on doing everything correct. It never goes as well as I intend it to. Yet, when I go to other classes like my regular Sunday class with Averty at Steps or classes with Herrault or Brandenhoff during school closings, I am nailing steps left and right. Why? Why do I feel so nervous and unaccomplished in the presence of the very people that know me and work with me day after day? I really started thinking about how much this happens last night at VKDCNY when we did a tendu and pirouette combination almost identical to one I had just done in Averty's class the day before at Steps. Guess which one went well and which did not? It's like I am performing in outside classes and I let go and just dance. I feel like a ballet dancer and I see my body shaping gracefully through the different combinations. Things come together in my body at that point. However, my anxiousness infront of my teachers makes me a wreck on the floor. Things sort of work and then fall apart during the combination. They know I can do it and I know I can do it. Nevertheless, I look in the mirror and only see how much work still needs to be done on my body and my technique. My body doesn't look and feel like it should be dancing. It just seems like a bulk of muscles awkwardly trying to move through the combinations. It might be that I am just trying too much.......trying too much to impress them, to impress myself.......trying too much to perfect my technique in every step. It might be that I am thinking too litle about my artistry and my strengths despite being behind technically. I'm not letting go enough. It might be a little of both ideas. It's my challenge, I think, to balance this. Too much or too litttle of anything is not good. Ballet is all about balance, but consistency is my short fall here, that and my anxiety. I thought I had overcome this after the summer intensives but my insecurities about my dancing and my body are still lurking around........ Let's stay en Pointe and defy gravity! Thanks for reading ;) XoXo~ciao~xOxO

XoXo~ciao~xOxO