Too Much, Too Little or A Little of Both
Going to VKDCNY classes and classes with Kat, is like attending an audition only I know about. I'm a nervous wreck, super anxious inside to progress in that class and intent on doing everything correct. It never goes as well as I intend it to. Yet, when I go to other classes like my regular Sunday class with Averty at Steps or classes with Herrault or Brandenhoff during school closings, I am nailing steps left and right. Why? Why do I feel so nervous and unaccomplished in the presence of the very people that know me and work with me day after day? I really started thinking about how much this happens last night at VKDCNY when we did a tendu and pirouette combination almost identical to one I had just done in Averty's class the day before at Steps. Guess which one went well and which did not? It's like I am performing in outside classes and I let go and just dance. I feel like a ballet dancer and I see my body shaping gracefully through the different combinations. Things come together in my body at that point. However, my anxiousness infront of my teachers makes me a wreck on the floor. Things sort of work and then fall apart during the combination. They know I can do it and I know I can do it. Nevertheless, I look in the mirror and only see how much work still needs to be done on my body and my technique. My body doesn't look and feel like it should be dancing. It just seems like a bulk of muscles awkwardly trying to move through the combinations. It might be that I am just trying too much.......trying too much to impress them, to impress myself.......trying too much to perfect my technique in every step. It might be that I am thinking too litle about my artistry and my strengths despite being behind technically. I'm not letting go enough. It might be a little of both ideas. It's my challenge, I think, to balance this. Too much or too litttle of anything is not good. Ballet is all about balance, but consistency is my short fall here, that and my anxiety. I thought I had overcome this after the summer intensives but my insecurities about my dancing and my body are still lurking around........ Let's stay en Pointe and defy gravity! Thanks for reading ;) XoXo~ciao~xOxO
