#visionarystream

I am SCREAMING FOR JANE THE VIRGIN. I am finally caught up on season 4 and I am SO TORN. You’d think I’d be happy that Michael is alive BUT NO. I am mad that he’s alive not because this is going to cause trouble for Jane and Rafael BUT BECAUSE HE PUT JANE AND HER FAMILY THROUGH SUCH A HEART BREAKING TIME FOR THREE YEARS. Jane has been through SO much and for Michael to be ALIVE?? I’m mad.

I have been a huge Jane and Michael fan since forever (which was hard at times because it felt so right for Jane to be with Raphael) but for Michael to do that??? I need season 5 to come right away because I NEED ANSWERS. What could possibly be a good reason why he hid? It definitely has to do with Sin Rostro. That is for sure.

UGH. I knew it was all TOO GOOD to be true. Of course Jane and Raphael wouldn’t be together so soon.

I don’t think anyone reads my post anyways but for the sake of writing and looking back...let’s go.

Life has been very interesting. My mind is honestly everywhere and I don’t think it’ll ever stop being at multiple places in one. Ever since my sophomore year of college started, I really lacked with writing and I hate that I did because it was my escape. Of all times I stopped, I was in such a bad place. It was a very weird, unlike me type of time.

I’ve realized and reflected a lot and I’ve changed and have grown since then. The lessons I’ve picked up have been immense and impactful. I definitely know myself more than I did and I love it. I have so much more love and respect for myself. My view on friendships have altered for the good and possibly the bad...depends on your interpretation of that.

but if there’s something that’s really changed about me, it’s that I became fearless of showing my true self. I care so much less about people’s perception of opinion of me. Of course I have my days of being insecure but I’m human. It’s just, I have more of a grasp of who I am and what I know I can offer to the world. I definitely am not much of a pushover and don’t bend over backwards for people as much anymore. I am outspoken and am not afraid (as much) to call you out on your mistakes (within reason). I respect myself enough to not chase after friendships.

While on my mini hiatus, I got out of the habit of constantly checking my phone, knowing my friend’s whereabouts, and wasting time basically. Now don’t get me wrong, i fucking love social media and the ability it has to stay connected with friends, but there comes a point in time where it’s important to take a step back from the internet and what we see to just get away from it for a while.

I’m not going to lie, sometimes being on social media, a negative emotion comes alive. Negative thoughts come to mind and I hate it. Don’t worry it’s nothing serious, but simply becoming envious of what others are doing that I’m not comes about and it’s unhealthy. Without knowing, we become so engrossed in the life of others that we forget to live our own life. It’s a habit we all seem to unknowingly let ourselves get into.

As I said before, I am not bashing on those who use social media. I love it, but there comes a point in time where we all need to take a break. So I did just that.

I remember scrolling through Twitter one casual day and reading Joey Diamond’s tweet about how his friend knew what he was doing and where he was because of social media. Joey basically didn’t like that and encourages his followers to take a break from updating people what they were up to. Those tweets stuck with me and I never had it in me to finally log off until last week. I did not sign out of all my social networks because I still don’t have it in me to be completely incognito online, but I did with my Finsta (yes, i’m a guilty finsta user) and snapchat (but i still snap to keep streaks alive, oops!) I stopped posting on finsta everyday and stopped putting snaps on my story and even looking at my friend’s stories. It’s nothing against them, but I didn’t mind not knowing what they were up to. 

It’s funny; i’m a distance away from my friends and yet I still felt like I was not getting space from them. Reason being is because with the little device I hold in my hand everyday, I am kept connected to them as if they were right next to me. 

Not being as active as I normally would be on social media gave me the opportunity to be under the radar for a while and time to collect my thoughts. I am granted the chance to find solitude with myself and to recharge. I am able to write often, do things I said I’d do months ago, and even watch a Netflix series. (yes, unfortunately being on social media too much caused me to be lazy to watch TV. Who knew you could even be lazy to do that!) 

A recent discussion in a club i was in asked us members what our passion was. At first I couldn’t think of anything for the soul reason I am not talented. Literally, i can’t sing, dance, draw or whatever. I didn’t know what to answer until she said that our passion doesn’t have to be something we’re good at and that it could be something we enjoy to do.

And the two immediate things i thought of was  1) writing 2) talking to people

now let me explain. 1) writing When I write, I am myself. I write about anything and everything. I do not hold myself back. My thoughts are spilled out on paper or online and it is the best feeling ever. Seeing my thoughts turn into words is something i could see as powerful. I don’t know what it is, but it’s true. The giddy feeling I get from writing is so powerful i love it so much. i truly can’t go a day without writing.

2) talking to people If I know I was the reason why i made someone smile or be happy, I feel so fucking content. Knowing I can be there for someone as well makes me feel good. I know what it’s like to not have anyone there for them so it’s become a mission of mine to make sure no one feels that way or that I did not make them feel that way. It’s a weird passion, but it’s true. I love talking to people to get to know them better and to let them know that i am in fact there for them.

It’s funny. People think I don’t have problems when in reality I have a lot. Over the past week, a close friend of mine asked me, “do you have any problems?” Being the person that I am, I responded with a simple “nope.” And then the conversation ends and a new topic starts.

The problem with mastering the mask of hiding my problems and true emotions is that it becomes a terrible habit. It gets harder and harder for me to open up to someone willingly and harder for me to open up in general. I know those people care about me and want to be there, but I just can’t let them in fully.

It is incredibly surreal to me that I just finished my first semester of college. It’s also crazy to think about how much I’ve changed and have grown as a person within these past three months.

Beginning of the semester, I was sad and depressed. I remember feeling anxious everyday, wondering if I’ll ever make friends and find a group of people to hang out with everyday. I remember regretting my decision on even attending this college. I hated it. I wanted to go home and cry. Seeing my other friends post about how happy they are in college made me even more sad because of the fact that I was not happy...until I finally found a great group of people. Once I joined the Filipino club in my college, I began to see the light (not right away, but eventually) Coming from such a small, predominantly white town, I was very much amazed to see the amount of people in the club. I was also overwhelmed and sad because everyone seemed very much established with their groups. I remember thinking to myself, “they already have their set group of friends. I won’t be able to make friends here.” The vibe in there was very much cliquey so as soon as the meeting ended, my roommate and I dipped. 

My roommate and I decided to go to the next meeting and head over to the event after it. Before we went though, we talked about transferring and not being happy here. We even contemplated on attending the event the Filipino club was going to hold. Thank God we didn’t.

That event was the turning point of my college experience which is why the song, September, by Earth Wind and Fire will always hold a special place in my heart. This was the night people began to approach me and introduce themselves. This was the night I made acquaintances. This was the night I talked to someone I knew I wanted to befriend in the first general body meeting. This was the night where we didn’t go unnoticed. From that night on, things were slowly but surely going up.

My roommate and I were no longer depressed and sad. We were growing to enjoy the school and the company around us. We began to form a group of friends, get closer with people, and have places to go to. It was to the point where we had something to look forward to almost every day or every other day. 

Fast forward to the end of the semester. Leaving campus, saying bye to friends, and hugging each other really tightly before departing was something I didn’t think I’d have to worry about. I didn’t think I’d miss so many people. I didn’t think I’d dread winter break. But I did for the sole reason that I won’t be around my friends every day. 

It blows my mind how in the beginning of the semester I felt alone and lost and now I’m surrounded by people who love me for me. I am incredibly blessed to have met such amazing group of people who have impacted my college experience for the better. I am incredibly thankful for the love they constantly show me. I’ve known these people for only four months and yet it feels like forever. Words cannot describe how happy I am to have met these people. I am happy that I stuck through the semester and continued going to the Filipino club. Had I not stuck, I would most definitely not be as happy as I am now.

I really truly do not know how lucky I got to have met such amazing people in such a short amount of time, but whatever lead up to this, I am thankful. 

Cheers to a very successful first college semester. Here’s to hoping Spring semester treats me just as well.