#viscarambles

on the other hand, I can’t tell if it’s a popular bit or if people really think that Choi “fumbled” in part 2? Like yeah he messed up but “fumble” implies clumsiness or a mistake. He messed up 100% because of his personality and ways of thinking and preconceptions. His mistake makes incredible amounts of sense. His particular line of thinking tracks all the way through. His line of thinking is, also, directly fueled by Soleum’s frustrating (lack of) communication. So it’s a mutual issue, to be honest

A lot of stories put emphasis on emotional empathy and characters who tear up for others’ pain, or who can understand the suffering or longing or desperation. But I’m also a cognitive empath, and I’m the type of person who has, on multiple occasions, had doubts about someone. But instead of revealing my doubts/criticisms, I quietly see what happens, and often, my doubts/criticisms aren’t relevant at all, or they end up being wrong. People are complex and, similarly, impressions of people are adjusted quite often. What’s the point of criticism if it doesn’t do anything other than hurt? If my silence can help someone without bringing them harm, then why shouldn’t I keep silent? Of course there are times when painful truths can be helpful, but many times, a painful truth at the wrong moment just brings more pain.

I think this mindset is quite integral to Choi’s character, and becomes most apparent when he doesn’t believe Kim Soleum being from another world. The first time it comes up, I got the impression that Choi had doubts, but he ultimately decided to not say anything at the moment, in favor of KSE’s comfort. Later on, when he reveals that he never believed KSE being from another world, the reaction (from KSE and probably the readers, who read from KSE perspective) is hurt. Even though it makes sense that Choi doesn’t believe KSE, and even though he helps KSE despite the lack of belief, it still hurts. Does it negate anything? The fact that he faithfully kept the incubator a secret, the fact that he tried his best despite not knowing when KSE would wake up, the fact that he climbed a mountain to help KSE out of the contract, the fact that he was willing to endlessly sacrifice himself for others, the fact that he—despite his doubts— brought the dream collector with him and did his best to fulfill KSE’s wish.

his lack of belief shouldn’t negate any of that, but somehow, it feels like it does. People want to be understood and believed in, and media places such a heavy emphasis on mutual understanding, emotional connections, unconditional belief in another. But it’s not easy to understand others, especially on an emotional level. It’s not easily to unconditionally believe in others. Even if you don’t understand someone, can’t you still support them? Why doesn’t this support feel as strong as it would be if you did understand them? It’s a very fragile and hard to grasp topic

Even if Choi doesn’t believe in KSE’s home, he wants KSE to be happy, and wants to fulfill his wish. But for KSE, his home is the most important to him, and his home being denied feels like a personal affront.

I think KSE’s and Choi’s dynamic captures this ambiguity well. If you want to understand someone, you’ll inevitably hurt them because no one can ever fully understand another person’s experiences. I also think this most comes out with Choi and KSE. Braun and KSE have something similar, but due to ‘cultural’ differences, KSE quickly learns that their values are different, and that he can’t rely on Braun too much. The ‘cultural’ is the same for KSE and LJH, but in this case, KSE knows exactly how he can rely on LJH, and often relies more in a physical or safety way than in an emotional or vulnerable way. LJH (and J3) doesn’t tend to pry or be interested in KSE’s life, and his matter-of-factness is reassuring. Meanwhile, KSE and GYG have a certain understanding, but also a level of detachment, like making friends with a classmate and knowing you probably wont talk to them after graduation.

KSE and Choi have a more vague dynamic. It’s one of mutual understanding, where the ‘understanding’ is the fact that both of them know too much, want to know more, but don’t pry or ask questions. KSE in particular consistently wants to try and rely on Choi in various ways, but Choi never responds in the best way. He doesn’t respond in the worst way, either, so KSE keeps a sort of hope instead of extinguishing it completely. Choi puts himself at risk to help KSE, when KSE never asked him to. KSE has a tendency to interpret Choi’s words negatively, when Choi sincerely wanted to give him options. Their vulnerabilities and request for vulnerabilities lead to this hard to define relationship. It’s a very human type of communicating-but-still-missing dynamic, and one that only results when the other person is a high priority. You want to help the other person, but your own experiences and biases get in the way. You want to help the other person, but sometimes, your intentions don’t show in the outcome at all. Choi, who tried to help KSE against his will, and led to KSE to disappearing. Choi, who didn’t believe in KSE’s home but still wanted to help him and did his best to fulfill KSE’s wish, ultimately sending KSE home. The intentions were the same at the end of both parts, you know?

And at the end of both parts, they had conversations that didn’t mean anything. in part 1, Choi tried to understand KSE and asked questions that KSE never had a chance to answer. In part 2, instead of prying too much, Choi changes tactics to instead make himself vulnerable and explain his own thought process. To be honest, did either conversation change the outcomes? It’s so easy to say that intentions don’t mean anything, and that the ends matter more than the process. Would the story have had a significant change if Choi never revealed that he doubted KSE’s story of there being another world? Did KSE reveal everything to Choi because it was Choi, because Choi was in the most convenient situation, or both?

what’s the point of wanting to support someone when you obviously can’t understand them? What’s the point of talking to someone when your lack of understanding means you’ll hurt them? What’s the point of conversations that don’t seem to have an outcome? Doesn’t it all seem futile? And yet, it definitely has meaning

Increased heart rate

hyperawareness of the person

person always draws your eye

you pay more attention to the person than anyone else in the area

trying to make the person happy or, conversely, acting in awkward/unnatural ways around them