#virginity.

a piece of myself

that feels like it’s missing?

how do you fill a void

that never stops echoing?

how do i feel whole again

without giving more of myself away?

maybe i’m asking too much.

maybe i’ve already given too much.

why do i keep running back

to the thing that’s breaking me?

maybe because i’m hoping—

somewhere in the breaking,

i’ll be filled.

i keep trying to reason with myself.

but i can’t stop.

i can’t stop running back.

and maybe—

maybe that’s what i think

wholeness is supposed to feel like.

but i want to stop.

stop giving myself up to him.

stop giving in.

but it’s hard

when i’ve already “done it.”

how do i explain

that i feel broken inside me

when he’s buried inside me?

why am i the only one

if the concept of virginity was just.. not as important a thing to me anymore. Life is too short to spend so long being anxious about a hymen, this shit is exhausting. I'm wasting time and energy assigning such importance to such a teeny little thing.

This guy and i were friends, like i had known him ( and loved him) since the 4th grade, we would eat lunch together and he would give me his vegetables.

but i moved a lot, so it never mattered.

in the 8th grade i moved back to North Carolina, obviously time had changed things and we weren't as good of friends, but that didn't stop me from having the biggest crush on him. 

the summer before freshman year we hung out a lot, and he kissed me once while we hung out at his house.

we became really great friends again, my mom got a job working for his mom and they even became friends.

my parents went out of town, so my brother and sister had a party. i invited him, he came over already drunk with a friend of his. i proceeded to get drunk, he proceeded to get even more drunk.

we made out, i thought that was as far as it was going to go.

it started to get later, and it was obvious that he was going to have to sleep over.

He, His friend, and i all got into my bed. (by this time his friend was sober.)  he started to kiss me again, his friend decided it was time he left the room. so it was just me and him, he told me to take my pants off, and i did. that was that, a little while later i wasn't a virgin anymore. afterwards, i tried to cuddle with him. he pushed me off and left the room. he ended up not coming back, i ended up not sleeping that night.

segway into one of the most confusing times of my life.

i told people who i thought were my friends that i had lost my virginity to him, and all hell broke loose.

i heard so many rumors about myself that it was ridiculous.( that i had raped him, that i was pregnant, that i was bragging about it, that i was a whore.)  i was actually so stressed out that i missed my period so i was worried i actually was pregnant.

he stopped talking to me, this guy who i thought was my friend, this guy i had known since i was 9 years old.

i felt so alone.

i took about 2 years for him to actually talk to me again, and by that time i had moved away.

i don't know what i would do if i ever saw him and got to talk to him in person.