#vigurd

[6 March 234 Before Age.  Nat-Chezz II.]

When Zaperc led the Saiyans to Nat-Chezz II, their plan had been to defend the planet against any would-be invaders.   The idea was to imitate what the Super Saiyan Luffa had achieved with her establishment of an interplanetary Federation.   Instead of seeking out easy battles, they would stand their ground and try to cultivate a reputation as a force to be reckoned with.    This would in turn attract even stronger invaders, giving the Saiyans a chance to become stronger themselves as they repelled them.   At least, this was the theory.

In practice, Zaperc’s followers were virtually indistinguishable from the sort of invaders they pledged to drive off.    Upon arrival, they declared martial law, shut down much of the planet’s communications, and helped themselves to whatever supplies and treasure they wished.  The Chezzi people had endured worse occupations in the past, so they tolerated the situation for a time, but they still breathed a sigh of relief when Luffa discovered their plight and intervened.  

In the weeks that followed, Luffa subjected these Saiyans to intense training, determined to mold the band into the sort of champions they had claimed to be.   The Chezzi King had allowed them to keep the mansion they had appropriated, but all the treasure they had taken was returned, and the Saiyans spent most of their days drilling in the wilderness or conducting war games with the Chezzi military.   When their work for the day was finished, they convened at their manor and feasted on whatever luckless animals they happened to find during their training exercises.  

“That’s what I like about you, Jikama,” Lesseri said as she ripped hunks of flesh from a carcass on the table.  “You may be half-Chezzi, but at least you eat like a Saiyan.  I knew a mixed-blood on Siphone II.  Guy had no appetite at all.  Creepy.”

“Thanks... I think,” Jikama said between bites.  “So, any word on when Luffa’s coming back?”

“Nothing new,” Vigurd said as she drank an entire pot of stew and wiped her mouth on her forearm.  “What’s wrong, Jikama?  You miss that gilded blowhard already?”

“I just enjoyed her cooking,” he said awkwardly.  “Not that there’s anything wrong with this, but we’ve been roasting animals on a spit for a week now.  I could go for some of that insect crumb of hers.”

“Insect crumb, my foot!” Lesseri scoffed.   “Don’t listen to him, Vigurd.  He just wants another pat on the head from Zattie.”

Jikama chuckled at this.  Of all the Saiyans in Zaperc’s group, he had shown the most improvement in tracking Zatte through dense foliage.   Luffa’s alien wife lacked Saiyan power, but she could make herself virtually undetectable, and she was armed with advanced weaponry and a talent for asymmetrical warfare.     She had praised him a number of times in front of Luffa and the other Saiyans, which had earned him a lot of teasing from his comrades.   Not wishing to antagonize any of them, he smiled and tried to take it in stride.  

“If you asked me, it’d be just as well if she never came back,” muttered Brockle.   He sat at the head of the table, nursing a flagon of ale while he devoured a plate of spare ribs.

“Please, Brockle,” Vigurd laughed.  “We’ve all seen you leer at her when you think no one’s watching.  You miss Zattie more than Jikama does.”

“Yeah,” Lesseri added.   “Don’t take it personally, Brockle.  You’re just not her type, if you know what I mean.”

The two women laughed, and Jikama tried to delicately suggest that maybe they shouldn’t make a habit of calling her “Zattie”, when Brockle slammed his fist on the table.  

“I’m not talking about the damned alien,”  he said.   “I meant Luffa.”

“I wouldn’t let your father hear you talk that way,” Vigurd warned.  

“I’ve learned all I need to know from the Super Saiyan,” Brockle insisted.  “I’m getting stronger every day, and before long I’ll be powerful enough to surpass her.”

“No offense, kid,” Lesseri said, “but get real.  We’ve all felt the ki Luffa puts off.   You’re nowhere near her level.”  

He stood up and raised his fists.  “I’m more than a match for you, Lesseri!” he shouted.  

She nodded and sipped her drink.  “You’re right, but being stronger than me doesn’t change anything, does it?”  

“I have the potential to beat her!” he insisted.   “I know it!”

“Maybe so,” Vigurd said, “but until you do, you’ll have to put up with her crap like the rest of us.   Unless she’s dumb enough to get killed in spaceflight.   I wonder if someone could sneak an explosive on that ship of hers without her noticing...”

“Now what would that accomplish?” Lesseri asked.  

“Oh, I’m just thinking out loud,” Vigurd chuckled.  She finished her meal and patted her sizable belly with satisfaction.  “People would pay a fortune to hire the mercenary who slew the Super Saiyan, wouldn’t they?”

“Not once the word gets around that she’s just a run-of-the-mill Saiyan like a hundred thousand others available for hire,” Lesseri noted.   “All you’d prove is that you know how to set a time-bomb.”

“Wouldn’t someone else try to bomb your ship?” Jikama suggested.    “Then they could cash in on being the one to kill the mercenary who killed the Super Saiyan.”

Lesseri pointed a table knife at Jikama.  “See?  He’s only half-Saiyan and he gets it.”

“I don’t know why my father put up with you fools,” Brockle grumbled.  

“Because he knows he needs all the help he can get to keep his son from getting himself killed,” Lesseri said.   “Maybe you were in line to serve in Rehval’s elite guard, but you fouled that gig up, and now you’ve got to scrape together a living like the rest of us merc trash.   You don’t have to like us, Brockle.   You don’t have to like Luffa either, or her blue-skinned devil girl, for that matter, but you still need us for the time being.”

He opened his mouth to respond, when suddenly all four of them gasped with shock and turned to look up at the sky.   There was nothing to see, at least not with the naked eye, but the ki they had sensed was powerful enough to be sensed, even from outer space.  

“Is that... Luffa?” Vigurd asked.  

“It can’t be,” Brockle said.   “It feels completely different.    And there’s... two of them.”

“Jikama, contact the Chezzi military,” Lesseri said.   “We’ll need telemetry on that ship.”

“Huh?   Oh, right!” he said as he scrambled out of his seat.   While he took off into the air, she turned to Brockle.  

“Go find your father,” she said.  “Looks like we finally have a fight on our hands.”

“I don’t take orders from you, woman!” he said indignantly.  

“That’s right, you don’t,” she said.  “We both take orders from your father, and I’d like to start taking some before whatever that is gets here, so hurry up and find him!”

He muttered obscenities under his breath as he got up from the table, promising himself that she would pay for her disrespect, but Lesseri didn’t care as long as he did as she asked.  

She looked to Vigurd next.  “Do me a favor and prep Zaperc’s ship for launch.”

“What?” Vigurd asked.   “You want to run?”

“Right now I want to keep my options open,” Lesseri said.   “Without Luffa to back us up, I don’t know if we can beat these guys, and I don’t know if Zaperc’s sensible enough to order a retreat.  I don’t know about you, but I’d like an escape route handy.”

“You know, so would I, now that you mention it,” Vigurd said after a moment’s consideration.  

“Yes, I thought you might,” Lesseri said after Vigurd flew off.

*******

Two hours later, Zaperc was with Hijik in the throneroom of the King of Nat-Chezz, accompanied by several high-ranking military commanders.   They had been discussing plans to destroy the incoming vessel  before it could deploy its forces, when suddenly an image of two women appeared in the center of the room.    

Both of them had pale, almost transparent skin.  The shorter of the two was almost completely concealed beneath a black cloak.  Only her bare feet and lower shins were visible below the hem, and the hood of her cloak revealed only the portion of her face below her eyes.    Her nose and mouth were contorted into a cruel sneer.  

The taller woman was adorned in black leather up to her chest, which added emphasis to her large, muscular arms.  An iron helmet concealed her eyes as well, though a dark, horizontal slot on the front presumably allowed her to see out of it.  Lengths of wire hung from the back of the helmet, almost as if to serve as a crude substitute for hair.   Her lips were stretched to reveal her clenched teeth, as though she were constantly on the verge of biting someone.

“Are they holograms?” the king asked.  

“I think they’re some sort of ki constructs, Sire,” Zaperc said cautiously.   “Hijik, can you sense them too?”

Hijik nodded, and curled his tail around his waist.  Before he could give his own opinion on the images, the cloaked one addressed the room.

“Hail, King of Nat-Chezz.  I am Ünderlyne, and this is Stryquethru.   Henceforth, we shall be the new masters of your world.”

“Long have we coveted your scandium resources, King of the Chezzi,” Stryquethru growled through her teeth.   “You will surrender your world to us, or we shall take it by force.      Doubtless you have warriors who can already sense our power approaching your world.  They will tell you that we cannot be defeated.   Heed their warning and surrender to us!”

“Surrender, and you shall be shown... mercy...” promised Ünderlyne, though her tone lacked sincerity.   “The tender mercies of Stryquethru and Ünderlyne...  Oh how we beg you to submit.”

“Resist,” Stryquethru seethed, “and your people shall suffer terribly!   Woe to the defiant!   For there is no refuge from our wrath!”  

“Woe!” wailed Ünderlyne.  

“Woe!” added Stryquethru.

“Wooooooooeeeeee!” they howled in unison.  

As their voices faded, so too did their images, and the message appeared to be concluded.   The king looked to his advisors, and then to the two Saiyans, desperate for counsel.    

“At current velocity, we expect them to reach the planet in two hours, Sire,” said one of the generals.

“My son Brockle may be able to destroy their ship before it reaches the atmosphere, Sire,” Zaperc said.   “If not, I would recommend deploying our forces here...”

“Is this a joke?!” Hijik yelled.  

Suddenly, everyone in the room fell silent, and all eyes were looking to him.  

“It’s obviously a trick!” Hijik said.  “Am I the only one who sees it?”

“Hijik, what are you talking about?” Zaperc demanded.  “We don’t have time for--”

“That was Luffa, of course!” Hijik said.  “Luffa and her alien ‘partner’ or whatever she calls it!  They left the planet days ago, frustrated that we weren’t jumping through their hoops fast enough for them, so they dreamed up this phony invasion as some pathetic team-building exercise!”  

Silence fell upon the room again.   At last, the king spoke.   “Zaperc, could he be right?   Would the Super Saiyan do such a thing?”

Zaperc hesitated.   He had studied Luffa’s career for over two years, only to find that the real Luffa was very different from what his sources had told him.  She had been testing them for weeks now.  Could this be another test?  If it was, wouldn’t she have informed the king?  Perhaps he was aware of her plan, and he was feigning ignorance to help Luffa gauge their reactions.  

“I... I don’t know,” he finally said.   “Perhaps we should wait and see.”

“Wait?! Wait for what?” one of the Chezzi generals demanded.   “Neither of those women looked nothing like Luffa.  The shorter one was at least six inches taller than her.”

“It was a ki projection,” Hijik said.    “They could have made it look any size or shape they wanted!”

“And since when does Luffa have that ability?” the general asked sharply.  

“Her woman has all sorts of energy manipulation powers,” Hijik said.  “Working together, there’s no telling what they could do.”

“But why go to all this trouble?”  the Chezzi king asked.    “Why not simply arrange a war game maneuver?”

“Because it’s a team-building exercise,” Hijik said.  The disgust in his voice made it sound like he was describing the most detestable atrocity he could imagine.  “You don’t understand how women think, Your Majesty.   They want to humiliate us, then force us to work together against a common foe, and then they’ll reveal their ruse at the last moment, to reinforce the idea that none of us can accomplish anything unless they allow it.”

“Wh-what?” the king asked.  

Hijik sighed.  “I can see I’ll have to go over the basics of involuntary celibacy with you.   I’ll need something to write on so I can make a diagram...”

********

On a cozy island village off the coast of one of Nat-Chezz’s larger continents, Bodi stood in a library and watched patiently while a Chezzi woman looked through an almanac.  

“Sorry this is taking so long,” she said as she ran her maroon-skinned fingers down a table printed on page 702.  “You’d probably have more luck calling the Royal Astronomy Society.   They have a computer program that calculates things like this.”

Bodi smirked as he rubbed his chin with his thumb and forefinger.  “Luck?   Calculations?” he asked.   “With the fate of this world on the line, there can be no half-measures.   Take your time, and while you concentrate on finding the answer I need, I will drink in your beauty, and let it inspire my Saiyan power to unseen heights!”

The woman faltered for a moment, and clutched at her temples.   Even the horns on her head seemed to droop slightly.  

“Is something wrong?” Bodi asked.  “Have you found it?”

“No, I just... felt a little ill for a moment,” she said.  “Could you maybe save the cheesy lines for after the invasion?”

“Very well,” Bodi said as he dramatically removed his sunglasses.  “I accept!”

He had been patrolling this part of the planet when he sensed the huge powers approaching from space.  With Luffa and Zatte offworld, his standing orders were to report to Zaperc and the Chezzi military command, but he knew better.   There would be only one way to halt this impending doom.   Only one power that could bring Bodi and his comrade the victory they all craved.  Bodi would seize that power, and with it, the triumph, and with that... maybe some grateful Chezzi women...

“Okay, I think I’ve got it,” she said.  

“Good job!” he cheered, pointing at her with both hands.   “The location of the full moon!”

“Well, that’s just it,” she said sheepishly.  “The full moon won’t be in the sky for another week.   It doesn’t matter where you go on the planet’s surface.   It all depends on the moon’s position in relation to the sun.”

His jaw dropped.  

“What I was thinking of was a solar eclipse,” she explained.    “With those, it depends on where the observer is on the planet’s surface.   At a certain latitude, the moon would obscure more of the sun’s disc, but that has nothing to do with lunar phases.   I’m sorry.”

He didn’t move.   A pathetic squeaking sound emanated from his throat, but nothing more.

“Are you sure you need this Giant Ape form to win?” she asked.   “It just seems kind of unreliable to me.   You get all this power from it, but it only works under the light of the full moon.  And what if the invaders managed to cut off your tail?”

He nodded slightly.  

“Well, is there anything else I can help you with?” she asked.   “If not, I’ll uh... let you get back to strategizing.   I feel like I ought to see my family before this ship arrives.   So, uh, good luck out there.”

She left him standing there, dumbfounded.  One by one, the other patrons left the building, until at last the librarian at the desk shut off the lights and locked the doors.    Bodi didn’t move, except for a slight twitch as a single tear ran down his cheek.  

*******

“Behold, mistress!   The world of Nat-Chezz.   And soon it shall be ours!  The domain of Stryquethru and Ünderlyne!”

Stryquethru gazed at the image of the planet on the viewscreen, admiring whatever her helmet allowed her to perceive through the slot that obscured her eyes.   A tear of blood ran down her cheek as she made a twisted smile.  

“How peaceful it looks!” she exclaimed through clenched teeth.   “Soon, very, soon my lady--my queen, we shall have all the scandium we could ever need.  Scandium enough to sate the darkest of appetites!”  

Their ship had only one deck, containing a single, nearly empty room.   Nearly every surface was shiny and black, with heavy chains and manacles dangling from various positions on the wall.   There were no physical controls.   Ünderlyne simply waved her hands, seemingly clawing at the air with the long black nails on her fingers, and the ship responded instantly.  

“But hold!” she said.    “We are under attack!”

“The fools!” Stryquethru hissed.  “Do those spineless worms reject our kind warning already?”

“Worry not, my pet,” Ünderlyne said in a spiteful tone.  “The energy beam is a powerful one, rich in vital energy, but easily avoided.   Yes, we need only slip our vessel beneath normal space, into the welcoming darkness of subspace, and wait for the danger to pass.”  

As she spoke, she gestured with her hands to illustrate, and Stryquethru grunted with malicious approval.  Then she tilted back her head and growled.  

“Do I sense... Saiyan power in that attack?” she asked.  

Ünderlyne paused and considered the question carefully.  “Yessssss,” she said with a gleeful cackle.     “And added bonus for our conquest!”

“I would bathe in their blood!” Stryquethru insisted.   “The one who fired that insolent shot!   Yes, my pet, I will not rest until shreds of his viscera are lodged between my teeth!”

“Let us not be hasty,” Ünderlyne said with an evil smile.  “The Saiyans make fine stock for breeding, as well as for soup.   Imagine an entire offshoot of their race, toiling away to refine scandium for our dark bidding.”

Stryquethru screamed for thirty seconds straight.    “Delightful,” she added.   “I cannot bear to wait any longer!  How long until we arrive?!”

“Soon!” Ünderlyne cried.

*******

“Now!” Ünderlyne cried as they stepped out of the hatch of their ship and onto the courtyard of the Chezzi royal palace.  

“Where is the king!?” Stryquethru screeched.  “He must surrender his world to us immediately!”  

“Bring us the king!” Ünderlyne shrieked.  “Lest we hunt him down and devour his eyes!”

But the courtyard was empty, save for the two invaders and their black, disc-shaped vessel.   Suddenly, the vessel was engulfed in an explosion.  

“How dare!” Ünderlyne rasped.  

“My chains!” Stryquethru howled.   “All of my favorite chains were on board!”  

“Take heart, mistress,” Ünderlyne said.  “We shall soon forge new chains, of scandium alloy!”

“Seems your ship is much easier to hit when it’s standing still,” shouted Brockle as he flew over the courtyard.   He alighted just in front of the invaders and the burning hulk that was once their ship.   “Now I only need to destroy the two of you.”

“You were the one!” Stryquethru moaned.   “The one who fired upon us before!   Saiyan!  I would have your innards!”

Brockle clenched his fists and raised his power level to its maximum.    “Come and take them if you can!” he growled.    “I’m going to make an example of the two of you.   When I’m through, no one will dare come near this planet again!”

“Then let us do battle, fool!” Stryquethru shouted.   “Let the seas run red with our blood!   Unleash your power Saiyan.    Bring forth your fury!”

“Wait, stop!  We surrender!”

Brockle turned to see his father running out from one of the palace doors.   He ran past Brockle and dropped to his knees before the dark women.  

“Father, what are you doing?” Brockle asked.  

“Spare my son, please,” Zaperc asked as he clasped his hands together in supplication.   “He is only a boy.”

“Father, I am not a boy, I am seventeen years old!” Brockle protested.  

“How touching,” Ünderlyne cooed.    “The son seeks war, while the father begs for peace.   Do you truly know what you ask, filthy Saiyan?”

“We’re no match for you,” Zaperc said.    “We have no choice but to yield.”

“Then prove your sincerity, knave!” Stryquethru commanded.  “Cut off your tail and eat it here in front of us!”  

“That is disgusting, Stryquethru!” Ünderlyne muttered.  

“It is the only way they will learn, my mistress,” Stryquethru said quietly.  

“Father, you can’t be serious!” Brockle said.   “I’m strong enough to defeat these wretches.    Let me--”

“Son, your power doesn’t even compare!” Zaperc snapped.   “Look past your pride and sense what stands before you!   I’m not sure if even Luffa could stand against these monsters.”

Zaperc’s words were like a heavy blow to his gut.   In that instant, all the confidence simply drained out of Brockle.  “F-father--!” was all he could bring himself to say.  

“I’ll do as you ask,” Zaperc said, glancing down at the end of his furry tail.   “If you agree to let me and my son leave this planet peacefully.”

“No!”

The four of them turned, and found Hijik floating over the courtyard, looking down upon them.   There was a large sphere of energy in his right hand, and he was brandishing it with look of desperation on his face.  

“Hijik, what in blazes are you doing?” Zaperc asked.  

“I’m rescuing your dignity from these she-beasts!” he shouted back.   “We can’t defeat them, but we do have enough power to destroy the planet, or at least render it uninhabitable!”  

“Are you mad, Saiyan?!” Stryquethru barked.   “Put that energy away and come down here!   Or do you want to kill yourself along with the rest of us?!”

“I’m not bluffing!” Hijik said.   “If we can’t have this planet, neither will you!  I suggest you get back in your ship and leave.    This world isn’t safe for your kind!”

“They can’t leave, Hijik!” Zaperc groaned.   “Brockle destroyed their ship!”

This was apparently news to Hijik, or he may have seen it happen, and simply failed to consider the ramifications.    “He... did?!” Hijik stammered.   “But... but...”

“We cannot leave!” Stryquethru gloated.  “Nor would we wish to do so.    Tell me, little man, would you hold that ball of death over us forever?!”

“No, wait!” Hijik said, thinking as fast as he could.  “You could take our ship.”  

“In the first place, Hijik,” Zaperc said, “it’s not ‘our ship’, it’s my ship.   And second--”

As he spoke, they all sensed another Saiyan life energy moving overhead.   It was Vigurd, piloting the very ship they were just discussing.

“What is she doing?” Zaperc asked.  

“That coward!” Brockle fumed.   “She’s running away!  Leaving us behind!”

“Well, someone get to a transmitter and tell her to turn around!” Hijik yelled.  “She doesn’t need to run away now!   She can bring the ship down and hand it off to these two.   Hell, she can leave with them for all I care.   Just so long as they--”

Suddenly, Zaperc’s ship exploded into a fireball, and began a steep descent towards the horizon.  

“Vigurd?!” Zaperc cried.   He couldn’t sense her energy now.   It was possible that a Saiyan of her power level might have survived the explosion, but if Zaperc couldn’t sense her ki, then that meant Vigurd wasn’t using it to protect herself, or to break her fall to the surface.    If she wasn’t dead already, she soon would be.

Hijik wasted no time dreaming up another alternative.   “There’s plenty of other starships on this planet,” he said.  

“Enough!” Stryquethru shouted.   “You’ve put up a nice front, little Saiyan, but your game is over now!  Come down here, and if Ünderlyne deems you suitable, we may make use of you for our breeding experiments.”

“Breeding?” Hijik said.   “You mean, me and you?”

Ünderlyne simply cackled and waved her hands with abandon.  

“And perhaps I as well, dog,” Stryquethru added, “assuming there is anything left of you once dear Ünderlyne is through.”

Hijik quickly dissipated the energy ball in his hand and descended beside Zaperc.   “When do we start?” he asked hopefully.

“Hijik, are you mad?” Zaperc asked.   “A moment ago these two demanded that I eat my own tail!”  

“What’s your point?” he asked.  

“Not so fast, ladies!” called a voice in the distance.    

“Oh, what now?” Hijik groaned.  

The dark women were equally annoyed.   The looked and found a figure standing atop one of the stone pillars in the courtyard, with his arms crossed and his back turned toward them.    With a flourish, he backflipped off the pillar, twisting and flipping as he moved through the air, until at last his feet touched the ground and he struck a dramatic pose.

“Bodi,” Zaperc said.    “I’m asking you to please stay out of this.”

“I’ve come to issue a challenge!” Bodi said.   “We can’t defeat you ladies now, but in a week, when the moon is full, my comrades and I will be ready to fight you with all we’ve got.”  

“Why should we do such a thing?!”  Stryquethru asked.  

“Your comrades are already surrendering to us!” Ünderlyne hissed.   “What possible reason would we have for delaying our triumph?”

He rubbed his chin, then adjusted his sunglasses.   “I see,” he said as he closed his eyes and smiled.    “It seems I failed to consider that.   Very well.   In that case, all that I have left is...”

There was a long pause, and for a moment, Zaperc dared to wonder if Bodi actually had a way out of this situation.  

“... No plans!” Bodi declared.  

Zaperc shook his head mournfully and looked down at his tail once again.  

*******

[7 March 234 Before Age.  Nat-Chezz II.]

As it turned out, Zaperc got to keep his tail, at least for the time being.   As sadistic as the invaders were, they seemed more interested in savoring their victory than in carrying out their threats.   Thus, the first ever “Surrender Banquet” was held in the palace’s main hall.  The decorations made the occasion resemble the interior design of Stryquethru and Ünderlyne’s ship.   The streamers were made of black paper, the bouqets of flowers were dyed to as dark a hue as possible, and pieces of rusted scrap metal were laid upon each table like centerpieces.   At the front of the room was a stage, where the new rulers of Nat-Chezz sat upon their “throne”, which was actually just a black leather sofa they had stabbed with assorted swords and knives.    Hijik and Bodi stood on either side of them, each wearing heavy manacles on their necks and wrists that were more symbolic than functional.  

“When do we start the breeding program?” Hijik asked Ünderlyne .  

“At a time and place of our choosing, mortal fool!” Ünderlyne insisted.   “If you do not stop asking, I shall carve out your tongue!”

“Oh, let him babble, my lady,”  Stryquethru said.   “I enjoy hearing the Saiyan whimper like an animal begging for table scraps.”  

There was a loud metallic crack, and Stryquethru turned to scold Bodi.   “Worthless wretch!  I told you to stop fidgeting with those chains!   Now you’ve broken them!”

Bodi had been trying to scratch his back, which had strained the metal to its breaking point.   He grinned and adjusted his sunglasses.  “Apologies, ladies,” he said as smoothly as he could.   “I suppose that I was so overwhelmed by your animal magnetism that I forgot my own strength.    Best surrender ever!”

At one of the tables, Zaperc was apologizing profusely to the Chezzi king.  

“We still have a chance,” he said in a low voice.   “Lesseri and Jikama are unaccounted for.   One of them might find a way to summon help and--”

“What good will that do?” the king whispered.  “These women are too powerful, Zaperc.  They could defeat an army of Saiyans, and I doubt your comrades can find us that much help.”

“There is the full moon,” Zaperc suggested.   “Bodi may have had the right idea after all.   If we bide our time, we might--”

The king was horrified at this suggestion.   “Don’t you think they’ve already anticipated that tactic?” he asked.   “In another week, they’ll either chop off your tails or destroy our moon.”  

Zaperc sighed as he realized the king was right.   It wasn’t supposed to have been like this.    His son Brockle should have unlocked his hidden potential and become powerful enough to tackle any challenge, including these invaders. Instead, Stryquethru and Ünderlyne had taken the planet without a struggle, and Brockle now sulked in a far corner of the hall, his spirit completely broken.  

"Silence!"  Stryquethru screamed.  "We would have music!  We would see merriment!  Dance, Chezzi insects!  Dance for your dark queens!"

With some reluctance, most of the ’guests’ rose from their chairs and began to dance in an open area of the hall.  As commanded by their new rulers, they all wore black gowns and formal wear mottled with ashes.

"Shall we?" the king said, offering his hand to Zaperc.

Zaperc was irritated by the situation, but he supposed every moment he spent playing along was another moment he got to keep his tail attached to his body.  Begrudgingly, he took the king’s hand and led him through a rudimentary waltz.

"You’ve done this before," the king said with some amazement.  "I didn’t think Saiyans knew how to dance."

"It was in the book," Zaperc explained ruefully.

"The book?   You mean The Luffa Way?" the king asked.

"There’s a section about opening oneself to new experiences.  It goes on to describe a time when Luffa supposedly taught herself to waltz in order to defeat a giant sea serpent on Planet Zeezil."

"And you resolved to learn the same steps," the king said.

Zaperc nodded.  "All of it was a waste of time.  The real Luffa told me the book was a pack of lies.  She had never been to the Zeezil system.  Her wife--who isn’t even mentioned in the book-- told me that Luffa doesn’t know how to dance."

"How gauche," the king said.  "I wonder what they did at their wedding reception..."

"Luffa levitated herself an inch off the ground and let Zatte slide her across the floor like a shuffleboard disc.  At least, that was what Zatte told me.  She may have been joking.  It’s hard for me to tell."

"That sounds rather fun, actually," the king said.  "Would you care to try it?"

Zaperc frowned.  "The point is that I’ve been wasting my time.  I devoted years to following in Luffa’s footsteps, only to find that her feet weren’t even touching the ground!  All the rumors and tall tales and false accounts I’ve studied--! All it’s won me is a life of bondage.  It would all be worth it if this somehow led to a better life for my son, but look at him over there.  I’ve only doomed him to the same fate."

The King glanced back at Brockle, who was still sulking in his chair.  A Chezzi maiden asked him to dance, but he wouldn’t even acknowledge her presence.

"Don’t give up hope, Noble Saiyan," the king said.  "My people have endured numerous conquests and occupations in our history.  This too shall pass."

"How can you say that at a time like this?!" Zaperc asked.  "We can’t defeat these monsters!  Not even Luffa could--!"

Suddenly, there came a loud noise from the back of the hall.  There was a massive double door at the entrance, made of particularly expensive and sturdy breed of Chezzi timber, and decorated with bismuth ink.  These now lay on the floor, the wood splintered and cracked where they had been shorn from their hinges.

"Eh?  Who dares!" Stryquethru screeched.

The newcomer stormed into the hall, walking directly toward the invaders without acknowledging the Saiyans or Chezzi.  When she was standing directly in front of Stryquethru and Ünderlyne’s sofa, she extended her hand and curled in her fingers, beckoning them to come closer.

"Let’s step outside," Luffa said.

[1 March 234 Before Age.  Nat-Chezz II.]

Floating over a mountain range, Vigurd was busy sparring with her teammate and fellow Saiyan, Bodi.  None of the them liked Bodi very much.   He was asinine.   He spent far too much time trying to sound impressive or clever, and far too little time noticing that it wasn't working.   He also flirted with every humanoid woman within the sound of his voice.  No one liked his cheesy lines, least of all his own people, who found such blatant romantic overtures to be unseemly.  

Nevertheless, Vigurd found him to be a worthwhile sparring partner, if only because his power level was roughly the same as hers.  He hit on her just as persistently as any other woman, but she was willing to put up with it for the workout.   Besides, she had been putting up with a lot since she joined Zaperc's gang.  

Like Bodi and the others, she had joined Zaperc because he promised them a path to achieve greater power.   He claimed to be studying the Super Saiyan who had mysteriously emerged a few years ago, and he believed that he would eventually discover how to become one himself.   Vigurd was skeptical, but she ultimately decided that Zaperc might one day succeed, and she wanted to be there when he did.  

But she soon learned that Zaperc's followers only had the one goal in common.   As loathsome as Bodi was, the rest of the team hated each other almost as much.  Zaperc's son Brockle was a spoiled brat, Hijik was a misogynist, Lesseri was an opportunistic coward, and Jikama was a half-Chezzi wimp.  Indeed, part of the reason Vigurd enjoyed sparring with Bodi was that it gave her an excuse to avoid the others.  At least she could tune out his pathetic pickup lines while they fought.  

Even so, Luffa had turned out to be the worst of all.  Following Zaperc had been annoying enough, but it turned out that he knew even less about the Super Saiyan than he had realized.   Vigurd was amused at first to learn that the Super Saiyan was a woman who mocked everything Zaperc had been trying to do, but then Luffa assumed command of their team, and began a training regimen of equal parts humiliation and self-righteous preaching.

It didn't take long for Vigurd to figure out that Luffa was a hick.  Oh, her adventures had taken her to a few dozen planets, but the girl still clung to whatever backward morality her mother had probably taught her as a child.   Everything Luffa said was about honor and pride, as if either of those things mattered in a universe that was constantly trying to kill you.   But the most outdated nonsense Luffa spouted was her condemnation of Vigurd's use of artificial gestation facilities.  

A lot of expat Saiyans still bought into the old traditions like that.   Saiyan mothers were expected to regard pregnancy as their offspring's first battle in life.  They were supposed to set aside their own battles to ensure the birth and upbringing of their children.  They were supposed to pass down the old stories, which always seemed to be about Saiyan men getting too much credit for a lot of stuff that probably never happened in the first place.   Vigurd's own mother had taught her the same things, although she hardly expected Vigurd to believe any of it.  

And so, when Vigurd was Luffa's age, she became pregnant and refused to let it get in the way of her career.  The babies were brought to term, raised by caretakers, and left to fend for themselves.   It was survival of the fittest, after all.   If her sons couldn't find the strength to manage in the real world, then there was never anything Vigurd could have done for them anyway.  

For all of Luffa's might, she lacked the simple understanding that it was kill-or-be-killed.  Mercy, even for one's own offspring, was an opening for your enemies to exploit.   Maybe a Super Saiyan could afford to be weak, but Vigurd couldn't, and that was what Luffa didn't understand.  Luffa had somehow unlocked tremendous power within herself, but it was in spite of her old-fashioned values, and not because of them.   And now that Luffa had become this almighty creature, she was going to ram her morality down everyone else's throat.  

Vigurd thought about leaving the group, but just as she began to consider leaving, Luffa left the planet on some vacation outing with her alien wife.   That was the real hypocrisy of the whole thing.   Luffa expected women like Vigurd to be happy homemakers, while Luffa herself struggled to maintain a crumbling marriage to an alien floozy.  

"What are they even doing on Tingi V?" she asked aloud, as Bodi narrowly dodged one of her kicks.

 "Ah, who can say?" Bodi mused.  He knit his brow and stroked his chin thoughtfully.  A knowing smile grew on his face as he said: "But I know they wouldn't have as much fun as we would, my little cherub.   Suppose we--"

Vigurd caught him with an energy blast to his groin.   She didn't like to hit below the belt, especially in a training match, but he had left himself wide open, and besides, it was only Bodi.   She crossed her arms and watched as he tumbled to the mountains below.  

"Well, I hope she loosens up by the time she gets back," Vigurd said to herself.   "Otherwise, I'm bugging out for good."

*******

[1 March 234 Before Age.    Tingi V.]

The ground floor of the resort was a casino, and from early afternoon to late at night it was abuzz with patrons looking to spend their money on gaudily decorated games of chance.  Their excited chatter combined with the buzzes and bells of the electronic devices to produce a strangely soothing ambiance.

At one of the card tables a dealer was shuffling a pair of decks for three players.  One of them was a Saiyan in a red dress with a wig of long brown hair.  

"Well, at least I'm getting a handle on the rules," Luffa said to the dealer as she looked over her cards.  

"You can always try a lower stakes table, ma'am," he offered helpfully.  

"Nah, this is fine," Luffa said.  "I can afford to lose a few more times.  Keeps me motivated."

Luffa main problem was inexperience, but she never let that stop her before.  She had hoped to compensate with psychological warfare.  The real reason she stuck to this dealer was because he kept staring down the plunging neckline of her dress.  It wasn't an advantage she was used to using, but Luffa wasn't used to wearing wigs either.  This was because she wasn't supposed to be Luffa tonight.   It didn't make any sense but she had given up trying to figure it out.  

"Mind if I sit down?"

Luffa glanced up to see her wife standing beside her, only it wasn't her wife, even though she didn't look all that different from usual.  She had blue skin and short red hair in a bob style.  Her left eye shone a brilliant green and her right was covered with a black patch.  Her dress matched the eyepatch, though its sequins reflected the multi-colored lights of the casino.  The purse in her hand probably contained at least one weapon that she had managed to smuggle past security.  Luffa knew it was Zatte long before she approached the table.  Indeed, she had been waiting for her to show up all night long, but now she had to pretend that they didn’t know each other.  

"Suit yourself," Luffa said, gesturing to the adjacent seat.  "Your friend can tag along too if he wants, but I'm afraid I'm not much fun to watch."

"My friend?" Zatte asked.  

Luffa pointed her thumb over her shoulder as she laid down her cards to fold.  "That tall guy with the green hair," she said.  "You two looked like you were getting along pretty well."

"Oh him," Zatte said.  "Never saw him before tonight.  We were just playing the roto-wheel for a while, but I got bored and decided to move on."

"Too bad for him," Luffa said.  "You made a cute couple."

Zatte flagged down a server and ordered a drink.  "So you've been watching me?" she asked.  

"Maybe," Luffa said.  Of course she had been watching Zatte.  That had been the whole point, but they were supposed to pretend they didn't know each other.  Everything had to be a game with Zatte.  Luffa didn't mind that most of the time, but she preferred it when she knew how to play.

"I don’t think I’ve ever seen a Saiyan in a casino before," Zatte said.  

"That's because we're all terrible gamblers," Luffa said.  "If I need money, I just fight for it, or take it."

"But you're different?" Zatte asked.  

Luffa shrugged.  "I'm between assignments.  Figured this was as good a place as any to spend some downtime.  I like the atmosphere, and I can afford to practice a little.   Only trouble is my strategy isn't working like I thought it would."

"What's the problem?" Zatte asked.  

Luffa examined her next hand of cards and shook her head.  "Besides the fact that I suck at card games, I've been trying to watch this guy's mannerisms.  Saiyans are good at that sort of thing.  Helps you anticipate your opponent's next move.  Read his mood, things like that.   The thing is, he just works here.  If he was playing with his own money, maybe I'd have an edge, only he doesn't care if he wins or loses."

"That's clever," Zatte said.  "I wouldn't have thought of that."

"Well, it's only clever if it actually works," Luffa muttered.  She laid her cards down and folded again.  

"It seems to me like you've got a solution in search of a problem," Zatte suggested.  "You just need to play against someone with something on the line."

She reached into her purse and produced a hotel key, which she slid across the table to Luffa.  "I'm hosting a private game in my room later tonight.  Maybe you can try out your strategy there."

"You sure you want a Saiyan at your little party?" Luffa asked.  "We have a certain... reputation."

Zatte sipped her drink and smirked.  "You seem to know how to behave yourself," she said.  

"That only makes me more dangerous, doesn't it?"

"I'm willing to take that chance.  I like a little danger."

"Is that the sort of line you used on that green-haired man?" Luffa asked.

"Why worry about him?" Zatte asked.  

"I just feel bad for him, I suppose," Luffa said.  "He and I have something in common."

"What's that?"

Luffa looked at her next hand and snorted.   "We have the same taste in women."

"I can invite him instead of you," Zatte suggested.  "If it'd make you feel better."

"If you want to play it safe," Luffa said.  "Your other guests would probably appreciate it."

"There are no other guests," Zatte said.  "It's a very small get-together."  

"Not much of a pot that way."

Zatte finished her drink, then stood up to leave.   "Drop by when you're finished here.  If the stakes aren't high enough for you, I'm sure I can find some other way to keep you entertained."

Luffa watched her leave and noticed a certain swagger to her walk that hadn't been there before.  She turned back to the table, and noticed the dealer was now staring at the hotel key instead of Luffa's chest.  

She ignored it and continued playing, losing several more hands and a small fortune in credits.  

*******

When Luffa finally arrived at the room, she didn’t bother using Zatte’s key, since she already had one of her own.  She found her wife wearing one of the terry bathrobes that came with the room.  There was a bottle of wine on the table with two glasses, but at the moment she was too busy triple-checking their luggage to notice Luffa’s entrance.  

When she finally spotted Luffa, she blurted out “Oh, hi!” then snapped back into character and tried to lean seductively against the wall.  “I mean, hello,” she said as she tugged open the  shawl collar of her robe to make it more revealing.  “You didn’t knock, but then you don’t strike me as someone who favors a direct approach.”

Luffa had already taken off her wig and tossed it on the bed.  “Wait, are we still going?” she asked.  “I thought we were done.”

Zatte broke character again.  “Did you want to stop?” she asked.  

“I thought the idea was to pretend to be strangers around other people,” Luffa said.  “We’re alone up here, so I figured we were done.”

“Well, I thought we’d play a few hands to set the mood,” Zatte said.  

“Hold on, you actually wanted to play cards?” Luffa asked.  “I thought that was just a pretext to get me into your room.”

“Well, I hadn’t thought that far ahead,” Zatte said.  “It was going to be, you know, sexy cards.”

Luffa sat on the bed and took off her shoes.  “I’ll do whatever you want, Zattie, but let me do it barefoot for a while, at least.”

“You were great down there, Luffa,” she said enthusiastically.  “There were times I could almost believe you were someone else.”

“I’m glad you enjoyed it,” she said, “because I honestly have no idea what I’m doing half the time.”

“It’s therapy,” Zatte said.  “Dr. Shunga said we needed to spend some quality time together.  Work on communicating without telepathy.”

“Fine, but he never said anything about all this role-playing nonsense,” Luffa groused.  “What’s the point of acting like we’re other people?”

Zatte went back to inspecting their luggage.  “Because we do it all the time anyway,” she said.  “You’re a celebrity, so you have to wear wigs or cover your tail to keep a low profile, and I don’t want people to find out I’m a Dorlun.  And it’s kind of fun sharing a secret with you.  I guess I just like adding more secrets on top of that, especially for frivolous reasons.”  

“If you say so,” Luffa said.  

“I think you’d get more into the spirit of things if you would play a different species,” Zatte said.  “Like a felinoid  mining executive.”

“What the hell do I know about mining?” Luffa asked.  

“As much as I do, so what’s the difference?” Zatte said.  “We’re just pretending, so you can make stuff up.”

“All right, I’ll give it a shot,” Luffa said, “but I still don’t understand.”

“It’s about being more than yourself, Luffa,” Zatte tried to explain.  “I feel a little weird too, but playing a character helps me loosen up.   This way you get to be seduced by an exotic Avoirdupoian socialite instead of watching a Dorlun you already know fretting over how many clean socks you have left.”

“I like it when you triple-check the luggage,” Luffa said.  

Zatte stared at her.   “No, you think it’s dumb.”

“I never said that,” Luffa insisted.  

“You thought it,” Zatte pressed.  “I’m going to keep doing it anyway, but you don’t have to patronize me.”

“I’m not--!” Luffa stopped herself before her voice grew any louder.   “We’re doing it again,” she said after a deep breath.  “We’re taking something we picked up from each other’s minds and blowing it out of proportion.”

Zatte rolled her good eye.  “You say that every time you get caught in a lie, Luffa.  ‘Oh, we shouldn’t argue.   Remember what Dr. Shunga said.’”

“Bull,” Luffa muttered.  “You were the one who wanted to start seeing him, and he takes your side the whole time.”

“My side?!  Oh that’s rich.  Then why does he always blame me every time we link our minds together, even though it’s your power?”

Luffa set her jaw.   “Probably because you’re always cajoling me into using it,” she said through her teeth.  “I half-suspect you only do this role-play nonsense to confuse me so much that I’ll read your mind to understand it better.  And then you’ll just catch some stray thought about me not liking your butt or something, and I’ll catch hell for that!  I can’t win.”

“All you care about is winning!” Zatte said.   “You only ever-- Wait, what’s wrong with my butt?”

“It’s got a big crack in it,” Luffa snorted.   She took a moment to revel in her brilliant joke, but then she saw Zatte backing towards a mirror above the dresser.  “There’s nothing wrong with your butt, Zattie!” Luffa shouted.  

Only there was something wrong with it.  Whatever the flaw, even if it was too insignificant to describe, it still existed in Luffa’s mind, whether she consciously admitted it or not.  Nothing in life ever quite lined up to one’s imagined ideals.  For most couples, this was a matter of accepting one another as they were, not in spite of their imperfections, but because of them.  

The problem, Luffa knew, was that they had grown over-reliant on using telepathy to share their most intimate feelings.  It was just an easier way to communicate, one that bypassed the cultural barrier between them.  When they joined minds, Luffa’s pride dissolved into mist, and Zatte’s insecurities faded into the background, leaving nothing to get in the way of their mutual affection.  But this also exposed them to less pleasant feelings: petty resentments and half-formed thoughts that didn’t even make sense most of the time.  

True telepaths learned to filter out these intrusive thoughts, or to accept them as irrelevancies in the greater truths of the mind, but Luffa’s mental abilities were something she had stumbled upon mostly by accident.   She had found ways to develop them for combat purposes, but she lacked precision and control.  It was easy to mentally interrogate an enemy, or to communicate with an ally, but she found that she typically took more away than the information she sought.  

Dr. Shunga had asked them to cease their telepathic activities, and while this had helped, it also left them to deal with the resentments that  they had already created during past rapports.   Only now they had to deal with it across the cultural and emotional gulfs they were used to bypassing.   Literally anything could spark an argument.  This time it was Zatte triple-checking the luggage.  Six weeks ago it was Luffa’s ears.   There had been a month where they had stopped speaking to one another over a matter involving dental floss.    

The counseling sessions had helped, but-- as Dr. Shunga often reminded them--it was their marriage, and they would have to be the ones to put in the real work to save it.    By Luffa’s way of thinking, the true sign of improvement was that the arguments were getting shorter and easier to resolve, and the honest communication that followed was growing more productive.  

There were times, however, when Luffa missed Kandai, her husband from her first marriage.  It was another stray thought she hoped Zatte wouldn’t come across, but in spite of Kandai’s treachery, at least he had been a fellow Saiyan.  Marital bickering was considered a healthy part of Saiyan matrimony, since both parties understood that it couldn’t be taken too seriously.   When they were truly fighting, they did it literally, with fists, and the difference in their power levels had made this very rare.   At least then, Luffa had felt like she knew where she stood. 

Zatte was different.  She would joke around one minute and then make a cutting remark that hurt more than Kandai’s strongest blow.   Dorluns didn’t fight their spouses physically; they used words to hurt one another, and Luffa had found Zatte to be especially deadly in this regard.   There were times when Zatte almost seemed disappointed that Luffa couldn’t keep up with her taunts and jibes.  

Still, they were making progress.  They each weathered the storm, and eventually the apologies came like rays of sunshine, and slowly but surely they began to make up.  

“I respect your triple-checking the luggage,” Luffa clarified.   It seemed easier to find the right words when she was holding Zatte in her arms two hours later.    “It may be unnecessary, but you don’t do it because you need to.  It’s a discipline, and discipline is important to me.”

“I wish you would have put it that way before,” Zatte said as she kissed her on the cheek.  

“I... I just never had to put it into words before,” Luffa said.  

“The thing is,” Zatte said, “Keda managed to stow away in my carryall when we went to Extraliga.  She said I didn’t catch her because I only double-checked it that day.”

“Oh...”

Tears were welling up in her good eye.  “I know we agreed not to blame ourselves for what happened, but... I can’t help thinking she might still be alive if I hadn’t gotten sidetracked--”

Luffa held her close and mimicked a shushing sound Zatte often used to console Luffa when she was the one who needed it.     As she did this, she began to speculate, and then she remembered something Dr. Shunga had said in a session.   So instead of guessing what Zatte was thinking, she voiced her guess aloud, to see if it was correct.  

“I think I see now why you wanted us to pretend to be strangers downstairs,” Luffa said.  “Not so I’d get so confused that I’d have to read your mind to understand, but so that we could have a fresh start.  Set aside our problems for a while.”

Zatte smiled.  “You finally got it, you lunkhead.”

Luffa chuckled.   “Well then, how about we try something tomorrow...”

[6 February 234 Before Age.  Nat-Chezz II.]

“There, you see, it was written right here in the book.”

Zaperc held the dog-eared paperback open with one hand and jabbed his leathery finger onto a particular page he had highlighted.  Despite being completely outmatched, he seemed to be utterly assured that the book would somehow vindicate him.

Luffa snatched it away from him and glanced at the cover.  She was about to ask if Zaperc had lost his mind, until she saw her own name.

The book was entitled: The Luffa Way: The Path to Unlocking the Success Secrets and Awakening Your Inner Legend.    There was a picture of a glowing golden figure, which Luffa supposed was meant to be her, but it looked more like a Saiyan man.  On the back cover was a small photograph of the author, an unctuous-looking man with a toothy, insincere grin and a pretentious gleam in his eyes.

“Who the hell is this guy?” Luffa demanded.   “I had nothing to do with this!”

“But... but how did you manage to unlock your inner legend without Luffa’s book?”  Zaperc asked.

“I am Luffa, you dimwit!” she shouted.  She pointed at the short, thick hair that now glowed yellow on her scalp.  “And I didn’t get this way by reading any book.”

At her feet, Zaperc’s son, Brockle, rolled away from her and sat upright.  “Don’t be... don’t be ridiculous!” he said as he struggled to catch his breath.  “You can’t be Luffa!  According to the book—“

“The book!” Luffa growled.  “The book!  Is that why you weaklings took over this planet?  So you could sit around and read all day?!”

“Weaklings?” Brockle sputtered.  “How dare—?”

With a contemptuous snort, Luffa tapped him on the shoulder and he collapsed to the floor.  Ignoring his groaning, she sat on his back and started flipping through the pages.

“I’ve been photographed at least a hundred thousand times,” she grumbled.  “Can’t even wear that sundress I bought without some creep waiting for me to fly away.”

“Brockle!” cried Zaperc.

“Get... off.... me!” Brockle grunted.

“Oh, it was always satisfying to kill them,” Luffa muttered to herself.  “That look in their eyes when they realized they just laid down their lives for a picture of somebody’s butt.  But there was no challenge to it, and I can’t just waste my life picking off photographers.”

“Believe in your inner legend, son!” Zaperc said.  “You can do it!”

But Brockle could not do it.  Though he flailed his arms and legs mightily, Luffa had him pinned firmly to the ground.  She crossed her knees and licked her finger as she continued to page through the book.

“All they’ve got in here are 'artists’ conceptions',” Luffa said.  “And every 'eyewitness account' I see in here is from some planet I’ve never been to!  Wait a minute.  Planet Krouton?  That’s not even a real planet!”

“You can do it, son!” Zaperc cheered.  “Unless... she really is Luffa...”

“I went to Krouton in some made-up story a fan wrote about me!” Luffa seethed. She looked up at Zaperc with disbelief.  “Whoever wrote this thing must have seen the same thing and thought it was a true story!   You mean you twits were taking advice from this?  No wonder you’re all so weak!”

“But there has to be some truth to it,” Zaperc said.  “Your transformed state.  Your role in creating the Federation... and you defeated thirty Saiyans on Vedev III—“

“Fifty Saiyans,” Luffa said sharply.  “And most of that bunch were a lot stronger than your little band of raiders.”

“Raiders!” Zaperc exclaimed.  “No, you don’t understand!    We didn’t come here to loot this world.  We came here to be its champions!”

Luffa closed the book and glared at him suspiciously.

*******

In the galley of the Emerald Eye, Luffa chopped vegetables while Zatte leaned against the opposite counter.

“Let me get this straight,” Zatte said between bites of a taproot.  “Some guy you’ve never heard of wrote a self-help book, and made it all about you.  Even though he’s never met you, and he never got permission from you.”

“Right,” Luffa said without looking up from her work.  “You want some blue-cress in this?  I’m in the mood for blue-cress.”

“Go for it,” Zatte said.  “But this guy writes a book and puts your name on it to help it sell. Then this Zaperc guy buys a copy, and he thinks it’s some kind of Saiyan Holybook.”

Luffa tensed up at the sound of that, and the rhythm of her knife on the cutting board was disrupted.  “I mean, yeah,” Luffa said, “but when you put it that way...”

“But I thought the other Saiyans all believed you were a phony,” Zatte said.  “They don’t believe Saiyans can transform the way you do, so they think you’re not a real Saiyan.”

“Apparently the guy who wrote that book did a better job convincing Zaperc than I ever could,” Luffa said.  “Not that I ever tried to convince anyone.  If my people want to pretend I’m an alien imposter to soothe their egos, that’s their problem.  But Zaperc’s gang is buying into a whole other set of lies.   He thinks I’m a man who awakened his 'inner legend’ through the power of positive thinking or some other malarkey.”

“Don’t be too hard on them,” Zatte said.  “Positivity got them this far, didn’t it?  They got your attention, after all.”

“But they didn’t come to this planet to get my attention,” Luffa said.  “They came here to make some half-assed imitation of what I did with the Federation.    They want to defend Nat-Chezz from anyone who tries to invade it.  Sort of what I’ve been doing, but on a smaller scale.”

“And it worked,” Zatte said.  “You showed up and gave them a bigger challenge than they ever would have found roaming around space, picking fights they knew they could win.”

“Challenge,” Luffa scoffed.  “Against me, they’re like a bunch of ants trying to bring down a dinosaur.”

“What about the Chezzi?” Zatte asked.  “Are they okay with their new ’champions’?”

“I talked to their king,” Luffa said.  “He’s totally on board with this idea, but I think it’s just because he likes having a bunch of Saiyans working for him.  A lot of big shots are like that.  They see a Saiyan bodyguard as a status symbol.  ‘Look at me, this guy can fight a whole army and he does whatever I tell him.’  That kind of thing.”

“Like when Wildthyme was controlling us,” Zatte said.

“Exactly,” Luffa said, pausing to point her knife at the ceiling.  “That little bastard could have made me do all sorts of things for him, but all he really wanted was for me to stand around and make him feel important.  Same thing here, only I don’t think the Chezzi king knows what he’s gotten himself into.”

“Do they even need protection?” Zatte asked.

Luffa nodded while she scraped diced peppers into a bowl.  “They’ve got a lot of scandium resources, whatever that is.  They’ve been conquered a few times before, which is probably why those villagers I talked to were so confused.  They probably just thought I was kicking Zaperc out to seize the planet for myself.”

“This sounds kind of complicated,” Zatte said.

“I know.  That’s why I’m gonna uncomplicate it.  If these fourth-rate Saiyans are going to go around interfering in people’s business, that’s one thing.  But they’re doing it in my name, and that really ticks me off.”

“Where do we start?” Zatte asked.

“We?” Luffa asked.  “These are Saiyans, Zattie.  They may be weaklings, but they’re still dangerous.”

“I’ve lived with one for a while,” Zatte said.  “She’s moody, but I eventually showed her who’s boss.”

“Yeah, well this is serious, boss,” Luffa said.

“So am I,” Zatte said.  “Like it or not, you’re an inspiration to these people, just like you’re an inspiration to me.  It’s going to be weird for them to see their golden hero as a real person.  I still have trouble with it sometimes, and I’ve known you for years.  I might be able to connect with them better than you can.”

Luffa continued chopping silently for a while, then at last said: “Okay, maybe you’ve got a point.  I’ll bring you along.”

Zatte began to make an excited noise, until Luffa cut her off by adding: “On one condition.  Don’t embarrass me in front of them.  Most of them still don’t know what to make of me.   The last thing I need is an oversexed Dorlun confusing them even more.”

“Of course not,” Zatte said.  “I know how you feel about public displays of affection.”

“I’m not saying you need to pretend like you don’t know me,” Luffa said.  “Handholding is fine.  No kissing, though.”

“I know the drill.”

“I mean it, Zattie.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

*******

[7 February 234 Before Age.  Nat-Chezz II.]

The Saiyans were gathered together just outside “Fort Luffa”, which was a mansion that had been donated by a wealthy Chezzi, albeit begrudgingly.  Some of them were sitting on the ground or large stones, while others had taken furniture from the mansion.    Luffa’s star-yacht was parked a hundred yards away.

There were seven in all.  Zaperc was about sixty, but Saiyans aged very little through most of their life span, and so he looked very much like his young son, Brockle.  Both were pale skinned, but Brockle was a head taller than his father, while Zaperc had a long ghoatee at the end of his chin.

Lounging on a couch was Bodi, the first Saiyan Luffa had encountered on this planet.   He kept leering at her over a pair of cheap sunglasses, and raising one of his thick eyebrows as if to convey his interest.  The last time he had tried to flirt with Luffa, she knocked the wind out of him.  Apparently that punch hadn’t gotten the message across, or he just looked like that all the time.  Luffa planned to hit him again either way.

Vigurd had a very stocky body, the sort that would strike terror into the hearts of her enemies, except that her ruddy, cherubic face had a sickly sweet innocence to it that completely undermined her attitude.  She was scowling at Luffa for giving her a bloody nose in their last encounter, but her angry expression only made her look even cuter.  It was a sad lot in life to be so adorable, but Luffa respected Vigurd’s determination to overcome her deformity.

Lesseri, on the other hand, was at least 70 inches tall, with an extremely muscular build and long shaggy hair that went down to her hips.  Her complexion was somewhat darker than Luffa’s which seemed to compliment the countours of her mesomorphic body.  Luffa was a married woman, of course, but a Saiyan with Lesseri’s physique made her consider what might have been.

Hijik was a thin, bitter-looking man with only a tuft of black hair at the center of his otherwise bare scalp.  He beady eyes regarded Luff with complete contempt.  It was obvious to her that his disdain for her ran deeper than her quick victory over their group yesterday.

Finally, there was Jikama, who barely warranted Luffa’s attention.  He had red hair and eyes, and his build was chunky, but not to the same extend at Vigurd.  Like the others he viewed Luffa with distrust, but she cared very little what any of them thought of her.  All she wanted from them now was her attention.

“You claim to be defending this planet, but none of you even sensed me coming until I was already in your lair,” Luffa said.  “I wasn’t using my full power, but I still should have been hard to miss, so I’m guessing that means none of you were paying attention.”

Zaperc was the first to speak up for the group.  “We were, uh, resting after a long patrol—“

“All seven of you?” Luffa asked.  “At the same time?  If I had been a real enemy I could have destroyed you all from orbit.”

“Where do you get off telling us how to handle ourselves?” Hijik demanded.  “I only joined this group because Zaperc said it would help me get stronger.”  He glanced at Vigurd and Lesseri before turning back to Luffa.  “But so far all I’ve gotten is an earful from a bunch of women.”

Luffa smiled.    “I thought you might have a beef with me, Hijik,” she said.  “So let’s get it out into the open.”

“You’re no Super Saiyan,” Hijik said.  “I don’t know what that transformation is, but you can’t be as strong as Chanisp was.”

“And why not?” Luffa asked.

“Because...!  Because look at you!  Everyone knows Saiyan women lack the fighting skills of men.  You can’t get angry enough to tap into your full power.    It’s simple biology!”

“Come and show me then,” Luffa said.  She held out her arm and curled in her fingers to invite him to attack.  “Unless you’re afraid.”

Vigurd and Lesseri chuckled at this.  Zaperc looked at him expectantly, but Hijik didn’t move.

“Oh, you’d like that, wouldn’t you?” he scoffed.  “You’ll just thrash me like you did yesterday, and pretend you’ve proven me wrong.  Well let me tell you something: You women have been pushing us around long enough, and if you’re not careful—“

“Let me tell you something, Hijak,” Luffa broke in.  “You’re all talk.  I’m guessing you only threw in with Zaperc because you wanted to find some shortcut, some way to prove you’re genetically superior to half of our race.  If I were a man, you’d take that as proof that you’re further ahead than any Saiyan woman, even if they happen to be stronger than you.  But I’m not a man, am I?  So where does that leave you?  Let’s find out.”

Luffa snapped her fingers and suddenly Zatte appeared beside her, as though materializing out of thin air.  She dropped a supply bag at her feet and  waved cordially to the group.

“Who’s she?” Brockle asked.

“She’s my wife,” Luffa said.

“Oh, wonderful,” Hijik grumbled.

“Zatte isn’t very strong,” Luffa said, but she’s got some interesting abilities.  You’ve already seen how she can camouflage herself.  Even I couldn’t sense her until she revealed hersel—“

Luffa happened to glance at Zatte while she spoke, and this completely derailed her train of thought.  The Dorlun woman was wearing a one-piece swimsuit, with the words “Super Saiyan Club President” printed on the front. The rest of her outfit consisted of combat boots, a cropped leather jacket, gun holsters strapped to her bare legs, and her usual eyepatch.  She was eating a small lollipop, and occasionally adjusted the stick with her hand.

“There’s a club?” asked Vigurd.

Luffa stared at Zatte, who grinned back at her.  “We talked about this,” Luffa whispered.

“It’s hot out here,” Zatte said.  “And this is my favorite swimsuit.  Unless you wanted me to go back to the ship and get the one you seem to like so much.”  She reached out and tapped Luffa on the tip of her nose when she said "you".

“No!” Luffa said quickly, her face turning red.  “No, this is fine.”

“I knew you’d see things my way, dear,” Zatte said as she kissed Luffa on the cheek.

“Hey!” Luffa yelped.

“Enough of this!” Hijik whined.  “I didn’t come here to watch you show off your alien consort!”

"I *brought* her here as a challenge," Luffa said, suddenly regaining her focus.  "You don’t seem to eager to fight me Hijik, so why don’t you take on her?"

"That’s absurd!" Brockle objected.

"Is it?!" Luffa shouted.  "Your father was willing to do whatever I said when he thought it was in that stupid book!  Well, I flipped through it last night, and I did find a couple of things I liked.  "That line about 'Never backing down from a challenge’?"

Brockle looked to Zaperc, who nodded in agreement.

"You shouldn’t need me or anyone else to tell you that.  Least of all some alien hack who’s never set foot on a battlefield," Luffa went on.  "It should be burning in your blood.   You should be excited to fight me, Hijik, or Zatte, or anyone else who comes along.  But you’re too afraid of losing, of having to rethink your opinions."

"What species is she?" Hijik asked carefully.

"What difference does it make?" Luffa demanded.  "You’re strong enough to defeat her.    You have the advantage, which was why I planned to drop you two off in a jungle a couple thousand miles from here.    Nice game of hide and seek."

Zatte took a pistol from one of her holsters and checked the settings.  "You did say you wanted heavy stun, right?" she asked.

"Definitely," Luffa said.  "You might have to hit some of these guys twice to bring them down though."

"Whatever you say, sweetie," Zatte said.

Luffa blushed again, and a few of the other Saiyans did as well.

"Will you cut that out?" Luffa hissed.

Zatte simply grinned and checked her other weapons.

"But... I can’t sense her ki," Hijik blubbered.  "And if she can become invisible..."

Bodi suddenly stood up and removed his glasses.  "So it’s a snipe hunt?  Very well!  I accept.  Tracking pretty girls is my specialty.  Take heart, Hijik!  If this alien smells as lovely in the jungle as she does here, then the day is already won."  He struck a pose and added:  "Game Over!"

Luffa took one of Zatte’s guns and shot him Bodi in the chest.  He curled up into a ball and began groaning from the pain.

"He’s right," Luffa said.  "You can sniff her out, but don’t think that she’ll just stand still and leave an easy trail to follow.  Not to mention that she’ll be hunting you while you hunt for her.  One time she...  what is that?"

They all began curiously sniffing at the air, except for Zatte, who was spraying something onto her body.

"Camphor," Zatte said.  "It’s good insect repellent, and the smell’s kind of nice.  I always bring along way more than I need, though."

She looked at the bottle and stroked her chin.  "Well, whatever I don’t use, I can always dump onto a tree or something."

Luffa was genuinely surprised by this.  "Well," she said.   “So much for trackin her scene.   I guess you could still hear her if you pay close attention."

"None of you heard me when I put all those stinkbombs a few minutes ago," Zatte said.

Vigurd blinked twice and asked "What stinkbo-- AAAAAAAAAWWWWWWW!"

Suddenly they were all holding their noses and groaning as a putrid, sulfurous odor permeated the entire site.  Luffa took a step back, but she was too amazed by Zatte’s tactics to properly defend herself against them.

"I know my weaknesses," Zatte explained.  "And I take steps to compensate for them.  More importantly, I make it my business to know my enemy’s weaknesses.  You Saiyans are used to getting by with brute force solutions, but small fry like me don’t always have that luxury."

She approached Luffa and wrapped her arms around her.  Luffa was perturbed, but didn’t try to stop her.  "I’ve watched this lady do some incredible thing,” Zatte said.  “But I’ve also had to wash skunk spray off her because she didn’t think ahead.  She could blow up this whole planet, but she gets uptight if I get too affectionate around other people."

She pointed at Hijik.  "And you," she said.  "You’re more easily flustered than Luffa is, but nowhere near as strong.  The sad thing is that you’ve got a good chance of catching me in that jungle, but you’re so afraid of getting shown up by an alien woman that you’ve already mentally given up."

"This is stupid," Hijik whined.  "You two are just setting me up to fail!  Why should I play your sick game if I can’t win?"

"Because failure is the best teacher," Luffa said.  "I didn’t get this strong by being undefeated.  Neither did Chanisp or Old Darbock, or the other old heroes.  We Saiyans grow stronger when we’re pushed to our limits.  Or did you forget that because it wasn’t written in that book of yours?"

Zaperc shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

"You should be fortifying the planet," Luffa said.  "Drilling with each other and planning defense strategies with the local military.  I didn’t start the Federation so I could lounge around in someone else’s house all day while I waited for an easy opponent to show up at my door," Luffa said.  "I was looking for a challenge.  Something to work on.

"The Chezzi king authorized our use of the mansion," Brockle said as he pointed towards it.

"Fine, but he’s not forcing you to stay inside it all day!" Luffa replied.  "None of you were remotely prepared for a fight."

"So what?" Lesseri asked.  "You would have beaten us either way.  I told you it was stupid to stay in one place, Zaperc.  It takes away our option to retreat."

"Retreat?!" Luffa shouted.  "Is that all you think of when a strong opponent shows up?  Where’s your Saiyan pride?"

"What good is pride if I’m dead?" Lesseri said with a shrug.

"My people say the same thing," Zatte said with an understanding smile. 

Luffa shot her a dirty look and Zatte quickly added: "Sorry."

"I’l let you all in on a little secret,” Luffa said with an evil grin.  “We’re all going to die.  How and when is up to us.  Or did your mother tell you differently, Lesseri?  When she taught you to fight, did she tell you not to bother, since you’d just outlive all your enemies anyway?"

"My mother?" Lesseri scoffed.  "She abandoned me to a gestation facility as soon as she found out she was pregnant."  She raised her arm and flexed it, showing off her sizeable bicep.  "I got this far on my own."

Luffa was shocked by her words.  "Gestation facility!?" she exclaimed.

"The one on Wexloi Sigma?" Vigurd asked.

"Matter of fact, yeah," Lesseri said.

"They’ve got a good outfit there," Vigurd said.  "I had my twins gestated there."

"How could you let them do that to your own children?!" Luffa gasped.

"Let them?"  Vigurd said with a laugh.  "It was my idea, ’sweetie’.  They certainly charged me enough for it.  6500 credits just for the prenatal extraction."

"Ouch," Lesseri said.

"That’s per embryo, by the way," Vigurd added.  "Which is stupid.  It’s not like they had to do two surgeries.  And don’t get me started on the nutrient bath fees."

"That’s monstrous!" Luffa said.  "Why would you--?"

"What was I supposed to do?" Vigurd shot back.  "Lounge around the house until I gave birth to them?  Skip perfectly good battles just to nurse a pair of ungrateful brats?  Where’s your Saiyan pride?"

Luffa clenched her fists and began grinding her teeth.

"Hey, uh, maybe we need to get on with the training," Zatte said.  "I’ve got the jungle’s coordinates, so we can all just rendezvous there and get started--"

“Good point, Vigurd,” Lesseri said.   “Seize the day, I always say.   You can’t wait for your enemies to die of old age.   At least, that’s what that bitchy Super Saiyan told me.”

Luffa cut her off.  "Since you like options so much, Lesseri, I’ll give you all one.  You can either help Hijik chase Zatte in the jungle, or you can spar with me."

"Suits me fine," Lesseri said.  "I’d rather take a beating than listen to any more of your sermons."

"Fall.  Out."  Luffa said through gritted teeth.

*******

"Well, that could have gone better," Zatte said after they were gone.

Luffa didn’t answer, except to make a low growl.

"I’m, uh, sorry for how I acted," Zatte said.  "I was trying to get a psychological edge, and I figured if I could throw you off balance, then I could definitely rattle them."

"You were great, Zattie," she said.  "Took me a while to catch on, but you’re a genius.  You knew just what buttons to push."

"Oh, well... thanks.  Listen, we knew they’d be rough around the edges.  They’re angry and disillusioned, and we’re gonna have to break them down before we can build them back up.  So don’t let anything they say get to you--"

"That’s not it," Luffa muttered."

"Then what’s wrong?" Zatte said.

Luffa looked at her and sighed.  Her expression was as wild and resolute as ever, but Zatte couldn’t help but noticed a weariness in Luffa’s eyes.

"I’m not sure what’s wrong," Luffa said grimly.  "But I’m starting to think it might be me."