#very vent

they tell me to shut up whenever im talking in messages to someone that’s NOT them, and whenever me or one of my other friend try to say sometjing the subject changes like that.

ive already ghosted this person once in my life i might do it again uugggghhhh this sucks ass

there’s this girl at my school, who I’ll be calling B. i’ve known her for around three or four years now soo,,it’s been a while. and B is somewhat a sweet person ,like she’s nice, but oh my GOD she’s so obnoxious. she follows me around school all day like a dog and i can barely catch a break ,,its so mentally draining sometimes. i feel like a horrible person for hating someone so nice. she also has a habit of always getting close to me and ‘bopping’ the top of my head, which ive stated many times that i don’t like … she’s even asked why i was backing away once while still getting closer.

for some context,, in the beginning of the year, B was only in a couple of my classes. then she switched into six out of my eight periods. it feels like I’m chained to her ,,in a way. it makes me feel really gross.

B also tends to stick around people she’s cut ties with, especially someone i’ll be calling Z. for context, I don’t like Z either. it seems like one day they’re pissed at each other, and the next day they’re joking around. B’s made it clear to me they’re not friends,, but it’s genuinely making me wonder if getting away from her is even an option any more lmao

i don’t respond to her texts (never did) and i’m trying to distance myself. it’s getting better, and im going to try and switch some of my classes tomorrow. im not sure what to think ,, i don’t know if the pain of still being close to her is worse than the pain of losing her. but once i do it, i really can’t go back can i(??)

This devil circle is never ending because I'm just a nice person who tries to make things better, but in the end, this niceness is just used and then dropped like a hot plate on a cold floor. Constantly being kicked in the ass after a nice gesture from me is very discouraging and I will show that. I can forgive, but I won't forget what people do for me. And blaming it on my BPD is not the solution. Just because I suffer from it doesn't mean I'm an asshole person. I can very well be a nice person to hang around with, just don't fuck with my feelings because I will yell at you and tell you my opinion.

I had a great summer.  I honestly had the time of my life and I would never take any of it back.  Maybe that time I ate one too many sandwiches, but other than that it was an amazing experience.

With that being said, is it really so terrible for me to not want to go back? Personally, I feel like I don't belong there.  It's not the place I want to be for the next four years.  I don't want to spend these years thinking, no matter how cliché, "What if?"