#very personal..

I just feel completely worthless. Right to the core, I don't deserve anything in life, nothing of benefit, nothing good, nothing even slightly okay. So many times I've stepped into the road just hoping that maybe a car might come that's going to fast to stop, or that I walk down somewhere and there just happens to be somebody with a gun or some sort of weapon who wants to kill. And if I knew it wouldn't hurt my family for me to finish it myself, I wouldn't give it a second thought. It seems like everything I say sounds as if I'm whining, I can't stand the sound of my own voice, I don't like the way I talk to people, even though it's completely normal.  I don't really know where anything stemmed from. I'm absolutely petrified of people, and have had therapists try to help, but I've never stuck with them long enough, the thought of going to one simply terrifies me, and makes me think I really am a freak, there really is something wrong with me. I  can't stand people who pretend to have things wrong with them, mentally, I  would give anything to be normal, to be fretting over my phone breaking or worrying about  what I'm going to wear. Not worrying about how long I think I can last, or how I'm going to get through the day. I'm also aware I'm not the only person with these problems, but I just feel so alone, and I really am lonely. Painfully lonely. As in, I get a physical ache from being so alone all the time. I don't actually have friends nearby. I have two only. One is in America, one is three hours away, but I doubt I'd ever get the chance to see her. Even so, I feel I'm bothering them both when I speak to them, like they would just rather want me gone. They've both said they care, but I just.. Find it ever so hard to believe. And it's even worse, when I crave a hug or someone to just lay with or something, I can't. I absolutely hate physical contact, I wont even let my own family touch me. The only person I was ever comfortable enough with I sent away anyway. I'm in so much pain, I just really am worried I'm not going to be able to take it much longer. I can't stand where I live, or the school I go to. It's depressing and terrifying and I usually just cry my eyes out when I get home every day, if I can even bring myself to leave at all.  I really feel like I don't belong here anyway. I don't belong with my family or even in England. My personality is horse shit. I'm pretty sure people would prefer to talk to a wall than me. I mean, I'm one of the most boring people you could meet.  I know, I know.. First world problems. Get over myself, there are people in much more pain than you, people who are so much worse off. I really do try and be positive. And I mean, I know I'm really not the only person. But I don't want to take it any longer. I don't want to be told "It will all be okay." Or  that "You can get through this." Because I just.. Can't.