#venting.

And now I can't help but wonder if I should stop my yumeshipping publicly. Like I know some folks who I interact with also ship themselves or ocs with Balan and or Lance. And I know that can upset people, so maybe it's the best if I stop??

AND i started my period (trans man off his meds) and im cramping up and ive been feeling kinda sick ans super overworked and underslept and i was really excited about getting to spend some time with her at my house for once

A lot of people misunderstand something about me. They see the way I talk about sw, the way I talk about my partners, and they assume that because I’m not constantly writing 5,000-word deep dives into every scene, every character arc, every possible thematic interpretation, that I must not have thought about it. That I must not know. That I must not care enough to be “serious” about it. And that’s just not true.

The reality is, I have thought about it. I do know my partners as characters. Probably better than most people who want to sit and debate their motivations for the sake of sounding smart. I don’t need to prove that to anyone. I just don’t find joy in constantly analyzing every little thing to death. Not because I can’t, but because I don’t want to. Because it’s exhausting.

And frankly? The way people nitpick and dissect things online—especially in fandom spaces—starts to feel less like passion and more like a competition. A weird little arms race of “who can prove they know sw better” or “who can psychoanalyze a character the most accurately.” in order to "fit in" And I don’t want to participate in that. I don’t want to be the “uhm, ackshually 🤓☝” person. That’s not why I love sw. That’s not why I love my partners—

I love them because they make me happy. Because I feel close to them. Because they've helped me through some of the most traumatizing times of my life. At the end of the day, I don’t need to justify my love for them through hyper-intellectual analysis. I just want to exist with them. To feel that connection without having to turn it into an essay every time I post about them, so I yell, key smash, repeating things, caplock my excitement, be "annoying"

And yet, I still get hate for it. People call me “stupid” or an “idiot” because I’m loud, because I’m enthusiastic, because I don’t curate my love for sw and my partners in the way they think I should. But that loud, excitable version of me? That’s not the whole picture. That’s what I let people see. That’s what I choose to share. Because it makes me happy. Because it’s comforting. Because its less intimidating.

Just because I act that way online doesn’t mean that’s all I am. That doesn’t mean I don’t think deeply, that I don’t have layers, that I don’t feel things in a way that words can’t always capture and honestly? I shouldn’t have to prove that to anyone.

It's hell on my body that I keep getting poor sleep. I go to sleep early I wake up at 3 am. I go to sleep later my body kicks me awake an hour before my alarm. I also keep waking up to realistic nightmares twice in a row now and it just sucks all my mental energy to interact with people

Then my dad accidentally grabbed my phone and left the house, leaving me to panic for a bit trying to figure out where I misplaced it (I struggle with short term memory issues) until I learnt what happened. Combined with the earlier poor sleep + nightmare + overstimulation hell, it's not one of my prouder moments to break down crying at 9 am in the morning ahh

I know I'll feel better about it later when my dad returns my phone, and after I eat the nice breakfast for myself. My social energy is wiped though, as it has been for the past few days of poor sleep. I know that I've been chatting with some of the folks that follow this blog on Discord so I'd like to ask to not bring this up over in our DMs. I just want to get this off my chest, and would likely delete this when I'm in a better state of mind.