i wonder where i saw that thing that was like - when you struggle with your mental health, you can't even have a bad day or week in peace because you are immediately thinking is it getting bad again?? am i slipping into a depressive episode again??
idk whether it was a tumblr post or an article or a pastel insta infographic (even though the last one is highly unlikely)
but i found myself thinking about that today when i realized that while yes, maybe you can say that *gestures vaguely* those things have taken a toll on my mental health, - i realized that in am simply once again filled with
that I don't know what to do with it anymore
it's not just depression and other "normal" stuff, rage and anger are the reason i have been having so many vivid dreams and nightmares and why i feel like shit at least half of the time
I know I should take peace in the things that are good, and I have been lucky to have plenty of those; I know that I could channel the rage and make it a driving force to do good
but i am also exhausted and i am not able to stop feeling like things in general are turning into shit in rapid speed at a massive scale and i know that desperation is not useful at all but desperation is ultimately what my rage always transforms to
i really wish to find a way to just put it aside and find solace in working for a better world, but i feel like it's getting harder and harder with every news article about palestine, with every public figure saying stupid shit like "public transport has bad reputation because it's so cheap so we should deifnitely raise the ticket prices", with every app update sneaking in a line about AI training, with Tumblr and Wordpress deciding to sell our creativity in the exact moment I set up a wordpress blog, with every job listing in which a billion crown company is both bragging about billion crowns sales and offering 27 000 CZK for a full-time position (which is about 22 300CZK after taxes which is about 900 EUR if I am counting correctly or 950 USD and also 27000 is the rent we three roommates pay for an apartment), and I wonder how and if i ever find a way out of this
the fact that one of our cats is sick and I'm taking him to the vet daily does not really help