#venties

really weird when u are in a stable place and ur doing very well socially/emotionally/financially/physically like just all around u are doing good but then u still have some deep inner desire to break absolutely and just sob and sob and explode but u cant because u are stable and fine and happy but like u want to cry but u cant because ur fine. i think i got so used to being unstable and unhappy that now when im doing okay it feels abnormal and out of place and like something is wrong why do i always feel like something is wrong even when everything is okay

Not me crying and having a panic attack because I just can't focus. I can't do the work. I want to. I need to. I know that. But I just can't get myself to sit and study and write and do it. It's late now. And my next one is due soon so I'll be behind two. And it's freaking me out so bad. I want to go to therapy and try get some diagnosis, they might help, but it'd have to be behind family's back and means more money I don't have and also phone calls I am too scared to make and doctor appointments I'm scared to attend.

today was a rough day. realized every sexual experience i’ve ever had was either non consensual or dubiously consensual, so felt super dirty all day :(( in other news i got my favorite childhood stuffed animal some new clothes from online! she has a hoodie with holes in them for her little ears