#vent tw.

vent tw .

having !  crippling ocd isn’t needing to arrange everything by twos or threes or whatever you think it is ,  it’s intrusive thoughts of this needs to be like this right now or else and the dreadful wave of anxiety and paranoia that follows .  crippling ocd is needing to do something right now ,  say something right now ,  YOU NEED TO DO THIS OR ELSE .  and if you don’t follow a repeated pattern - sometimes called rituals -  you are not safe .  the ones you love are not safe .  crippling ocd is needing to do something the exact way you need it done or else it’s not done right and it’s wrongwrongwrong and doing it the right way the first time or even redoing it all is so draining and terrible for work ethic .  crippling ocd is an intrusive thought that lodges itself in your thought pattern due to some random ,  strange association and does not let go ,  clings to you like tar unless you do something ,  it’s -  it’s not cute ,  it’s not easy ,  it’s not “ just get over it ” ,  it’s i am full of fear please let me just -  just tap my pencil three more times or i need to say what’s on my mind or if i don’t write this down right now i’ll do something terrible to make myself feel safe again .

when your sperm donor suggest you become an alcoholic to deal with your depression like ?? God I hate living here

im still gonna try to write but my mom may have completely ruined my mood to do anything after she jusr berated me & screamed at me over the phone for missing her phone call bc my bf & i went downstairs for a whole five minutes without our phones to get dinner when she was already in a shit mood & tried to call us .