#vent post!!

tw for sexual harassment..?

but at the same time i am also compulsed to do so and i think that if I don’t do it perfectly or like. Ask for extra direction I sound like an idiot or I’m purposely ‘acting more autistic’ when in reality i am asking questions so i am not making stabs in the dark when it comes to a task. i have my diagnosis now and i should be able to do so without judging myself because i have a reason as to why I cannot fucking infer what my parents want me to do.

there is a huge pressure put on ‘high functioning’ autistic ppl to act a certain way (basically spicy neurotypical. you may stim once.) and otherwise NT people will force you in to a little box based on what they know about the disorder. like im sorry you didn’t do your research and you don’t know that stimming is something I am CHOOSING TO DO in order to calm down and im not faking it to seem quirky or more autistic. or that yes i am Genuinely Overstimulated and that doesn’t mean ‘spent too much time on my phone’ or ‘didn’t go outside’ that means ‘my parents have been arguing and the TV is blaring and my sister is yapping and the cat is sad and hiding and I don’t know what to do with all this stress so I will just act like a turtle in the corner.’ or that yes I am hitting my head because I am angry and I don’t know what to do with it and I KNOW that I am hitting my head and I know it is dangerous but I cannot stop because THIS is how I have learnt to cope.

like i shouldn’t have to feel anxious about just being. ive become hyper aware of the way I’m acting and masking fucking constantly and it is exhausting because I have been explicitly told not to ‘use my diagnosis in the house.’ what does that mean? i don’t know and i am too scared of being perceived as ‘other’ (which feels BLARINGLY apparent to me) to ask especially because i don’t want to be told that I am faking it . i like vocal stimming I love just saying ‘babababababababa’ whenever i feel like it it is nice I like how it feels and the noise but I can only do it when I’m outside because I don’t want to give the impression to my NT parents that I am ‘acting more autistic than I actually am’