#vening

Prep for tomorrow done!!

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If you didn’t want to hurt me, you wouldn’t have.

He must be special to you because you chose breaking my heart again over hurting him. You told me that he didn’t love you. Did you love me?

I know you did, but that just makes it worse.

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Even though I understand your reasoning, and even though I forgive you, it doesn’t change what you did. You’ve convinced yourself that you’re not strong enough to overcome those feelings, or convinced yourself that it’s impossible.

You made a romantic comment about reuniting when we’re both stronger. But the thing is? When I discovered what personal weaknesses were hurting you, I corrected them. I learned, I grew, and I grew strong. For You. You did everything for yourself. That’s not love. 

Yeah, I’m proud of you, but independence isn’t the only display of strength. You traded your vulnerability for that. Vulnerability is strength. You taught me that. But you forgot it yourself.

Maybe that’s what you need. I don’t know. I just know that the girl I loved would have given her world and her all for love. You say you’re better now. Stronger now. In some ways, yes. But you gave up something beautiful. I hope you realize that and find it again one day.

All I really know, is the likelihood that I’d take you back, even if you seemed to be the type of lover you once were, is incredibly low. People can change. I know that as well as the next guy. But some things don’t change. Your wounds cut deep. Very deep. And you sacrificed love. True love. Real love. In my book, that’s unforgiveable. I probably wouldn’t forgive you now if I didn’t love you. If I ever stop loving you the way I do now, then forgiveness won’t matter. How am I supposed to know that in 6 years you’ll be the type of person who’d never give up on love? You already were that person. You’re not anymore. And if you knew that, as you’ve restated to me so many times, “I’m not that person anymore”, then why the fuck did you tell me all the things you did? Why’d you tell me all those romantic things and hold me so intimately? Are you that person and trying desperately not to be, or are you really not that person and just needed a quick fix of love and affection from someone who really cares? I’m not your drug dealer. You can’t plug into me when you’re feeling low.

It won’t matter. If you loved me, you wouldn’t have hurt me intentionally. If you loved me, you wouldn’t have let me go. That’s not love.

--

I never stood a chance. You never gave me a real chance. And if you did, it certainly wasn’t fair. You told me that you deliberated on it for 7 days. But the thing is, we’d only been talking for 5 days. And you didn’t suggest making a choice until 1 of those had passed, and you’d made your choice by the 5th. By my count, that’s 3 days. Petty calculation? Sure. But every second counted.

I’ve spent collectively, probably a little over a day with you in the last three and a half months. You’ve seen him every single day in that same amount of time. You’ve slept with him, been held by him, kissed him, every single day in that same amount of time.

And yet, when you tell me that I’m the one you think about at night and suggest you face your feelings on it, my only request is that you step away from him for a while so you can decide impartially.

Did you?

No.

In what way is it fair, when he had no idea you were deciding and I was sat waiting, with reassurances. You continued the same behaviors with him as if nothing were amiss, he had no idea, and yet it felt like my fate hung in the balance. 

You didn’t give me time with you. The time you gave me was while you were away from him, obligatorily visiting family and for short visits during your lunch break at work. I had 10 hours with you over 3 days. How many has he had?

If you’d told him from the beginning how you felt and what you were deciding, do you think he would have stayed for that? Probably not. I shouldn’t have. There should never have been a decision made. Love cannot be controlled. You risked nothing while I risked my heart and all the progress I’ve made moving on. You left me heartbroken, unsure if I’d be able to pick up the pieces this time. You probably would never have told him if I hadn’t urged you to. You were able to go right back home to him. If I hadn’t urged you, he’d forever be unaware. What did you risk? 

You can’t risk anything if you don’t take a chance. You didn’t.

--

I can’t really think of anything else to say. The only things I can think of are romantic and reminiscent, but I need to angry post today.

As I’ve told myself countless times:

It doesn’t matter what you Say. 

It doesn’t matter what you Feel.

It only matters what you DO.

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There comes the day when all the medicine is taken and you have to go to the clinic to get your eggs abstracted. They give you a short general anesthetic for that. After a few days you come back and get the fertilized eggs reimplanten. From then on it depends on your body if the egg grows. Pleas note that only 15-20 % of women get pregnant after that! Most women take two eggs to increasy the chance that at east one egg stays. To make it short: It is everything but granted that this works and many, many wonem out there have to try it several times and even more of them never get pregnant. You might be able to imagine how they looked at me when I told them I only want one egg implanted. I did not, under any circumstances, want twins. In retrospect I am beyond thankfull that I listened to this inner voice that insisted on only one egg.

You might have guessed that already: it worked. I was pregnant. One egg, one try and I was pregnant. So fpr everyone out there who did not get the odds - its something like winning the lottery with the only ticket you ever bought in your entire life. Mr. M was slightly pleased, that's how I would describe it. I don't want to tell you that I expected a big outburst of joy or some kind of victory dance or anything like that but I dont't even think he understood what had happened there. Untill that day he ist not aware of what was given to us, how incredibly lucky we where.

A few of the tools I made at the handled struck class I took in December. The tool bits are 4140.