#vectorspaces

the thing about being infinite is that no one tells you about:      – the lonely nights      – the aching hearts      – the whispered wishes to stars above      – begging them to take you back

ooh a name playlist for caroline please?

i’ve been doing a lot of original writing (mostly poetry but a couple short stories as well) and i’m hoping to compile a chapbook with some original photography in it as well. i look back on what i’ve written even a year ago and cannot believe that i’ve become more coherent and artistic poet since then, and hope that in 2019 i’ll look back at this year’s work and feel that i’ve grown once more

Today was the day I learned that Calculus was the mathematics of change, of calculating the different problems that continually evolve and all I could think about was you, you, you, and how you continued to evolve, leaving me a constant in the equation we were both a part of.

i. i don’t even know what to call you. what were you to me? we were fresh but at the end of the line, scared for the future but knowing exactly what to do. what we didn’t know was what will become of us or what will fall upon us, and that was why i was drawn to you in the first place. ii. new place, new crowd, same you and for that, i was thankful. i grew closer to your emotions and you welcomed my demons and i wondered what it was about you that made me keep coming back, even when i told myself hope was what you were and what i didn’t allow you to be. iii. the sad part arrived and it brought down only me. your ignorance was your happiness and for that, i was scared. i can’t be the only one numbingly petrified of the future, was i? this uncertainty of mine when you were so sure of everything we were will be our downfall. iv. over. done. screaming. fighting. those were what we should’ve had but i only gave you silence. ignored texts and ignored calls yet you kept asking and i kept passing. this was for the best, i said. the freshness was gone and the pressure came in and what i wanted was diamonds and all i got was this aching emptiness. v. i needed to be honest with myself. i had to accept that i wanted the thought of us more than i ever wanted you, and that’s why we had an expiration date, one only i knew about. unfair, it seemed, yet still pushed to the brink. oops, another bottle, another thought. this wasn’t how this was supposed to work out. vi. a text, a call, a chat message. all, at one point, i couldn’t care less about but now, can’t stop thinking about. could it be that i let something precious go? i had my reasons and i needed to cut him off. i did. i tried. romanticize the past, why don’t you? the power play between you and i had never been shed into light before, yet here we are, playing with matches and switches, pushing reason back. vii. i made a mistake. good intentions should’ve played out better but they’ve never hurt this bad before and i don’t know what to do, kept being haunted by what i did to you. guilty, helpless, curious, hopeless, needy, fearless. wanting you again through rose-tinted eyes. good guy, goodbye, good riddance. scratch that. it hurts that you’re gone - i’ve pushed you that far - and in this darkness, i wonder what i’ve done.

I only miss you when I’m not talking to anyone else.