#lovefulls

lovefulls: took your rec. started NEC today. finished it today. i will never ever ever be the same

Love thrives in the hearts of those who know how to suffer.

Ah, that’s them. Slim legs and curved hips – wide, brown eyes and pouty lips. Yes, that was them, a self-proclaimed pretty boy, unidentifiable and elusive in the incense and fresh perfume. Curls clouded their head, styled with innocence in mind. (Though everyone here knows they can’t possibly have any innocence left to give.) It’s hard to see past their pearls and silver; past the charms, trinkets, and rosewater. They fall between starkness and obscurity, an open book with pages that must never be read. They are – stated, determined as – a secret hidden in the open.

I think it's easily forgettable how you can spin poetry out of happiness too. Loud golden hour giggles.  Cloudy and windy escapades. Familiar language in a foreign land. Beauty in words and beauty in people. Stomachs full of laughter and heads full of champagne bubbles. Moments with dirt at the back of your legs and foreheads shining with sweat. Shared memories and music from so long ago, still with so much meaning. The fine tuning of a harmony you find yourself incredibly blessed to be a part of.

Today was the day I learned that Calculus was the mathematics of change, of calculating the different problems that continually evolve and all I could think about was you, you, you, and how you continued to evolve, leaving me a constant in the equation we were both a part of.

i. i don’t even know what to call you. what were you to me? we were fresh but at the end of the line, scared for the future but knowing exactly what to do. what we didn’t know was what will become of us or what will fall upon us, and that was why i was drawn to you in the first place. ii. new place, new crowd, same you and for that, i was thankful. i grew closer to your emotions and you welcomed my demons and i wondered what it was about you that made me keep coming back, even when i told myself hope was what you were and what i didn’t allow you to be. iii. the sad part arrived and it brought down only me. your ignorance was your happiness and for that, i was scared. i can’t be the only one numbingly petrified of the future, was i? this uncertainty of mine when you were so sure of everything we were will be our downfall. iv. over. done. screaming. fighting. those were what we should’ve had but i only gave you silence. ignored texts and ignored calls yet you kept asking and i kept passing. this was for the best, i said. the freshness was gone and the pressure came in and what i wanted was diamonds and all i got was this aching emptiness. v. i needed to be honest with myself. i had to accept that i wanted the thought of us more than i ever wanted you, and that’s why we had an expiration date, one only i knew about. unfair, it seemed, yet still pushed to the brink. oops, another bottle, another thought. this wasn’t how this was supposed to work out. vi. a text, a call, a chat message. all, at one point, i couldn’t care less about but now, can’t stop thinking about. could it be that i let something precious go? i had my reasons and i needed to cut him off. i did. i tried. romanticize the past, why don’t you? the power play between you and i had never been shed into light before, yet here we are, playing with matches and switches, pushing reason back. vii. i made a mistake. good intentions should’ve played out better but they’ve never hurt this bad before and i don’t know what to do, kept being haunted by what i did to you. guilty, helpless, curious, hopeless, needy, fearless. wanting you again through rose-tinted eyes. good guy, goodbye, good riddance. scratch that. it hurts that you’re gone - i’ve pushed you that far - and in this darkness, i wonder what i’ve done.

I only miss you when I’m not talking to anyone else.