#vanjeans

So.. I attempted to do one of those order food and cook for yourself things, I needed to try something different, I’ve always been too scared to cook anything due to my colourblindness. It’s always made me feel useless when it comes to knowing when anything is cooked properly. I tried cooking chicken twice in the past and it was under cooked and tried to make a cake one for someone special and accidentally added baking soda instead of baking powder, which was so terrible and very embarrassing. I can make pizzas fine if I have a base available but anything else has always made very very anxious.

I tried the woop website to get meals for three days this week, I must admit, they were amazing!! I was very proud of myself, but I have to admit I had a super awesome cheerleader giving me only positive and inspirational feedback which I’m not usually used to at all during my first attempts which was the main motivation I needed to believe in myself a bit more which helped me push forward with this new adventure of self reliance :D

I wish I had been taught to cook earlier. I will try and keep improving my skills in the future. I think the food boxes might be a bit expensive though, I’ll need to learn to shop for recipes I find or something :)

Above we have;

1 - Panfried salmon with chraimeh sauce, lemon dressed kale, pea and Israeli couscous

2 - Sticky Soy and sweet chilli chicken rice bowl with ginger and garlic sit fried vegetables.

So often I feel trapped in an existence I can’t break free from. To loving those who do not return love. To spending time working on things that don’t return accomplishment. To feeling lost in mind and thoughts pondering the next stages of life.

My birthday is coming up this week, another step closer to 40, another year I’ve not found that which I have been looking for and longing for. As I get older the happiness, love and joy I crave as a person seems to be something I may forever miss out on in life.

What is life without joy, what is life without someone special to share the moments with, what is life without happiness. A mind consumed by regrets, by being hurt in the past, by losing those you care about. A mind stuck in such an introverted state that you struggle to reach out to ones you hold dear, share your heart with those you love dear and spend time doing that which you crave to do, the activities and journeys you long for, to share with those you care about but feel hindered by your absolute seclusion. When your consumed by anxiety and you talk yourself out of reaching out to make new friends based on fears of getting hurt once more.

These days I put all of myself into my work, through the day, working into the night as I look into things to prepare for the next day or answer peoples queries. I type of hyper focused addiction I put upon myself to try and forget that the majority of the time, I am alone and there’s no one reaching out to check on me.

I don’t know how I became so much of what I hated, I always said I’d never become a workaholic like my father, but there is no one to love me and pull me away from it. No one to remind me daily that there’s something or someone more important to spend my time on. I have met people this year through different avenues and I feel disconnected from all of them, no one speaks to my soul or my heart, every person becomes a ship sailing into the sunset and another potential connection lost.

I had wished I had told the people I loved sooner that I did in fact love them, however those things trigger that common feeling of rejection I am so used to from my past, the fear of losing them, which in fact they usually end up lost anyway, those things that make you feel small and unworthy.

I'm lifted by your presence, you remind me how to feel. Your eyes, your smile, the way you laugh, how could you be so real. Though fate has drawn a line, and we are worlds apart. Though in my dreams, you always hold, the key to my heart.

My mind runs through endless fields, holding hands with you. And everytime you say my name, it feels like winter dew. I never thought I'd find, someone so brave and pure. Yet when you smile and share your dreams, your words pull me like a lure.

(chorus) My mind is entangled, in what we could have been. Racing thoughts within lifes lanes, where we could both be free. I open up myself, yet I'll leave my feelings shelved. For I cannot share them with you, as your hearts with someone else.

My heart is always breaking, yearning to be close to you. I haven't felt like this before, this feelings something new. You do those little things, those things that you just do. You make me feel inspired and strong, something that's humbly due.

You live your life with passion, your hopes shine with grace. What I would give to be the one to put a smile on that face. I edge my life in reason and stoke my soul fires bright. The way my heart calls for you goes deep into the night.

(chorus) My mind is entangled, in what we could have been. Racing thoughts within lifes lanes, where we could both be free. I open up myself, yet I'll leave my feelings shelved. For I cannot share them with you, as your hearts with someone else.

Though time can heal these aching wounds, the scars will surely stay, Reminders of the love I felt, that couldn't find its way. I'll cherish every memory, each whisper of your voice, And though we walk on different paths, I'll respect your final choice.

In a world of darkness,

Even though there’s a sun.

With a million voices screaming,

For a people to, get along.

Why can’t there be magic, in love and caring,

Why can’t there be tears of joy, and a world without suffering.

We need to do better, we need to learn to breathe,

And heal all this sadness, and make the blind men see.

(Chorus) This world needs to heal, the people need to feel,

A sense of together, a place where we are real.

No broken masks, causing faces to be unseen,

A world of acceptance, without being just a dream.

Reach out for eachother, lets forgive the past,

So much corruption, and a hate they wish would last.

It causes division, where there should be unity.

Why can’t we love one another, and sing in harmony.

You are my brother, regardless of race or creed,

And we need eachother, for this world to be free.

Take back your wealth, your health, yourself,

And open to things that could truly be.

(Chorus) This world needs to heal, the people need to feel,

A sense of together, a place where we are real.

No broken masks, causing faces to be unseen,

A world of acceptance, without being just a dream.

Raise your voice, lift the minds near you,

We have a choice,it’s time to learn what line you drew,

Sands blow away, those lines will fade away,

Heal from our past, there’s no room for yesterday.

Connect to another, it’s time to learn from all,

Don’t close your mind, you’ll find, there’s a whole world to feel,

A million stories of knowledge, no ones truly right or wrong.

Souls of nations calling and hurting, teaching lessons of where they’re from.

(Chorus) This world needs to heal, the people need to feel,

A sense of together, a place where we are real.

No broken masks, causing faces to be unseen,

A world of acceptance, without being just a dream.

Take back your words of fear, there’s no room for it anymore.

I’m taking my place right here, right now, growth and love is what’s instore.

You are you, and we are them. Raise your arms together, don’t spread yourself so thin.

Don’t close off yourself, open up and share your wealth.

It’s time to heal, and feel, and kneel, we can improve this worlds health.

-=-=-=-==-=--=-=-=-

In the sadness, and the madness, in a world that used to soar.

I am trembling, I am am crumbling, with nothing to live for.

I am beaten, I am broken, beyond what words can say,

I am hunched down and I’m crawling away from yesterday.

Take back your lies, they mean nothing anymore,

You have whipped me til I bled, I can’t give you anymore.

From the darkness, you’ve created, you’ve left my world in scars.

I am now struggling to breathe, these steps won’t take me far.

(Chorus) I am here to say, that your soul was black.

You’ve done so much damage, and you can not take it back.

You wish I would forgive you, but I’m not smiling anymore.

I know your not really sorry, I can’t take it anymore.

From broken wishes to bad dreams, I’ve lost my faith in you,

You could say I’m left alive in a world you’re chewing through,

In this time, I take my power, away from your strong grasp.

And I’ll reach for greater things, away from your dark past.

(Chorus)  I am here to say, that your soul was black.

You’ve done so much damage, and you can not take it back.

You wish I would forgive you, but I’m not smiling anymore.

I know your not really sorry, it’s time for me to soar.

In a world of broken colours, I can’t clearly see the light,

I’ve lost me inside myself and it doesn’t seem just right,

Suffering from my delusions, that things could just be fixed,

But I’m left here all alone, with just my wounds to lick.

I have no friends, no new dreams and that’s a symptom of you,

It’s time for me to put my foot down and tell you that we’re through,

Stuck in a world of empty tunnels, twisting endlessly and dark,

On a boat with no oar and rudder, and no way to disembark

(Chorus) I am here to say, that your soul was black.

You’ve done so much damage, and you can not take it back.

You wish I would forgive you, but I’m not smiling anymore.

I know your not really sorry, it’s time for me to soar.

I’m left in daytime nightmares, just darkness in my wake,

Wading through empty days, there’s so much one man can take,

I’ll sit here empty and alone, even though I know it’s not right,

Welcome to, my dilemma, I think it’s crystal clear.

That every time we argue, you’re never really there.

No feedback, from yourself, my words just hit a wall.

And every time this happens, my feelings they just fall.

I once believed in myself, but now I’ve lost my trust.

That I can navigate, without turning things to dust.

I’m looking for some answers, in why we can’t just quit.

You see I searched for love, but this is just not it.

(Chorus) I think it’s time for me, to say that I must go.

Please hear me out, there’s more that you must know.

It’s time to leave, this hand is just a bust.

Please don’t get mad at me, I’m doing this us.

I’ve been wandering, through hallways in my mind.

It’s getting hard for me, lost from answers I could find.

I felt we could do it all, we could fix things with the flow.

There’s no real compromise, I’m here to tell you so.

Because I care so much, this really must be done.

You have to realise, I’m maybe not the one.

I internalise, and struggle with who I am.

For when we can not talk, I’d wished that I’d just ran.

(Chorus) I think it’s time for me, to say that I must go.

Please hear me out, there’s more that you must know.

It’s time to leave, this hand is just a bust.

Please don’t get mad at me, I’m doing this us.

Please understand, I’m here to wish you well.

Even though, there’s love, I’m pulled against a swell.

We could struggle through and live this toxic dream.

But when we yell and scream we say what we don’t mean.

It’s too much, and I think you need to know.

It’s unhealthy, and it’s time to take things slow.

It’s safe to say, we’re both struggling to learn.

In the process all we do, is leave each other with burns.

(Chorus) I think it’s time for me, to say that I must go.

Please hear me out, there’s more that you must know.

It’s time to leave, this hand is just a bust.

Please don’t get mad at me, I’m doing this us.

In the end, I know that I am sure.

Because of this love, I know you de-serve more.

It’s time to move and learn from the past.

I found some old things I wrote when I was 15, once upon a time that writer was full of hope and bright thoughts. I'm 37 now, we go through life and experience heartbreak, pain and grief, we lose so many people we once cared about. We struggle with mental health, disabilities and things that are apart of us, become “us”.

We forget who we are and who we once were, forget the dreams and aspirations we once had. Anxiety stops us from pursuing things that could severely improve our lives. Not seeing a friend just because you haven’t connected in a while, experiencing experiences because you gain a fear of travelling and the unknown.

Somewhere along the way, I lost myself, between bouts of sadness, broken relationships, struggling to communicate with people I care about and a life I never really felt like I belonged in. An imposter syndrome that not only makes you feel like you don’t belong among crowds, but even that you don’t belong on this planet.

I’ve never really accepted who I am and what I’ve been through, I don’t understand the pain and confusion that comes from people we love and have never really learnt how to deal with it. My mum used to have severe anxiety when I was a kid, overthinking and constantly worried about the worst case scenarios in every situation, it would drive me crazy. Ironically my mind became shaped in similar ways, constantly trapped in a cycle of fear and rejection through my life, never truly feeling a connection with people and hyperfocusing on people that excite me to the point I would scare them off with my ramblings.