#vampire anon

Ive already put my tablet up for the night so i unfortunately have no doodles for you, vampire anon, HOWEVER -

we experience a variety of switches. some are quick and unnoticeable, and some take their time. alot of the time, we may not even be aware we switched / be aware of who we are. describing it is hard, it feels like going from functioning normally to being frozen in place feeling confused, lost, or distant. our worst dissociative episodes tend to have phases i guess?

we start out with feelings of disconnection, brain fog, forgetting where we are / whats going on, to hearing repetitive thoughts (single words like hearing "what" over and over). this is common for us in really heavy dissociation (esp if multiple alters are switching in and out and are trying to communicate) and we usually lose feeling in our body (also due to how long we have been standing still). eventually, a new alter takes the reins and has enough awareness to try and ground us, however achieving this is a fight (and can cause us to dissociate more in some cases. dissociation causes our environment / body to look and feel distorted, so grounding ourselves can sometimes just freak us out more.)

the most physical part of it would be our muscles tensing, aching, and otherwise going numb due to lack of movement. we also experience extreme visual snow, vision blurring and flashing colors when dissociation is at its worst.

it feels like being thrown around underwater. you have no idea of which way is up, and you cant do anything except let the current throw you around. however, sometimes you get to the surface. you gasp for breath (and those in your orbit do the same) and all you can think is:

"whats going on"? then, you are dragged back underwater and are kinda helpless all over again.

we also tend to immediately forget these episodes as soon as the switch is done, or we take a long time to truly realize it actually happened. how long the episode was, what led up to it, and when it actually happened becomes very hard to recall.

^ this is the worst of it, but dissociation for us comes in many forms.

we dissociate on smaller levels, which leads to extreme brain fog, confusion, processing delays etc. this most often looks like losing our train of thought, forgetting whats going on, and a general sense of blurriness. this can last for days.

as for headaches, i dont have alot to say on that. we dont get alot of headaches, just a feeling of pressure if that makes sense? we get migraines from how our depersonalization impacts our vision (visual static sucks!!), but thats really it? rapid switching can sometimes cause a headache, but those are rare.

vampire anon (ED mention)

So, I am goth. And in uni I like to dress like it. And for religious things (I don't feel comfortable wearing things that associates with religions in general, bc I don't believe them and wouldn't want to be assumed as) I don't wear crosses. Also, I like never eat around people (bc of a past Ed) and I am kinda an introvert so don't talk a lot as well.

So, we have a new girl in class, she come recently. I do not know why my uni decided to accept someone at the fuckin end of the year but still. She is a believer of supernatural things. And I mean that. She believes in almost everything, I know she inironically believes in faires. Like actual faires. I saw her worshipping some kind of Phoenix I think? Or a pagan god I don't know? I am not sure. ( No judgement btw I used to worship Apollo before so)

And she absolutely believes things like that. I thought she was joking, but no, she actually believes in werewolves etc too.

And so there was gonna be a random party to celebrate summer (fucking finals finally ended) and a few people were asking each other if they will come and so, and she asked me, and I said "sure, if I got an invitation I would go as well since my friends are going" or something like that I don't remember exactly.

Then she looked at me weirdly?

After two days, the weather was cloudy. she was hanging out with a few people who happen to be my friends, you know getting used to the class. We went to a cafe and I didn't order anything bc of my Ed. She looked at me weirdly again.

Then we stepped outside and I saw sun, automatically I opened my umbrella (I am asian and it's a habit my family left me, also I want to be pale, sue me. Though my African friend constantly make fun of it lol)

So she stopped. Looked at me.

And literally screamed in the middle of the street????

Yes as you can guess now she genuinely think I am a vampire.

I mean I am proud, but now she refuse to talk to me and I need to talk to her before the party bc it's weird to not talk when she hangs out with my friend group.

As to show her I get under sun, but nope she still doesn't believe it? Apperantly 'maybe some vampires started to be okay under sun over the years' is acceptable thinking to her, but not 'maybe they don't fucking exists' is not.

I am gonna lose my mind how she made it to uni???? I genuinely am shocked some people actually believe in those??? Still?? Girl.

On the bright side now I can look at her and ask for something and she does it without questioning bc she is afraid.

Anyway.

Weird week.

I....um...I don't even know how to react to this. I mean like you said, to each their own, ig. I mean I guess as long as she's not running around trying to stick a wooden dagger through your heart, it doesn't /really/ matter? Like is she spreading rumors or anything? Trying to hurt you?

Also- I know it's not the subject of the post but I hope you're getting help for your past ED. It must be frustrating to struggle with eating around people.

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grounded anon

I am so sorry <3 It's really clear that your mom has fucked up priorities and cares more about those priorities than your happiness. PLEASE remember that this isn't forever. SOmeday you'll be an adult and you can do things YOUR way <3

I'm sending you love!

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ten minute song anon

hi!! you’re always really helpful and i’m sort of torn here. my partner and i have been dating for almost a year now, and we’re doing really good. i know i should ask THEM this, but right now i think it would be a bad move (they’re in a rough spot), so i’m here to ask you. it’s the tiniest thing, but it’s sort of big to me and i’m just wondering how to go about it. so my favourite song is like, ten and a half minutes long. that’s a pretty crazy song, i get that, but sharing the music i like is one of the biggest things to me. i’m not the greatest at wording my feelings out loud, so when music does it for me, it attaches onto me like a sticker, you know? and this song is like, so important to me. i’ve expressed that my big romantic dream would be for someone to listen to my favourite songs for me. but when i bring it up, my partner says they don’t have the attention span for a song that long. it just makes me really sad. i get having a poor attention span, i’m diagnosed with adhd myself, and i guess i just, don’t get not being able to stick it out for ten minutes for someone you care about? and i don’t want them to stick it out really, i don’t want them to be bored about my interests, but like. it really makes me so sad that after all i’ve watched, read, and listened to for them, they can’t do ten minutes. i dunno. any advice? sorry for clogging your inbox, and i’m sending so much love, i hope you’re enjoying summertime :)

Are you, perhaps, a Swiftie?

Anyway, I think that they way you've said this makes total sense- it's about sharing a part of yourself with someone you care about. Music is more than just MUSIC to you, and perhaps that's the issue, here- music might mean something different to your partner. Have you tried telling them that it means a lot to you and it would make you feel close to them? Like that it's more than just a song to you? Because I think that's the first step. Express that clearly.

Once you do express that clearly, if their only argument is still that they have a short attention span, I'd say something like "It'd mean a lot if you tried." Because if there's no like...traumatic reaction to the song, then there's no reason not to try.

And if they won't try? Yeah, I'd be a little upset, too. Like it's not breakup-worthy in itself, but it's an indicator of what they're willing to do for you, and something to think about.

Good luck and keep me updated!

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midnights anon

Hii! Midnights anon here, and congrats on finishing the school year!!! 🎊🎉✨ (also feel free to ignore this one! I’m sorry for sending in so many recently)

Thank you for the last answer to my ask. I’ll try and stop overthinking and stuff, sometimes I just get myself caught up in my guilt or overthinking a ton. I’m still not sure how to not feel guilty, but reading your advice has helped a ton. Also the library thing is actually next Wednesday instead of last week so I’m still excited for that. Also there’s this “teen night life” thing in my city that happens in different neighborhoods between 6-9pm for every Friday of the summer, so I’m also excited for that too

Also also, I think something that I’ve been struggling with is my perception of time? Like, I have training at 12 every Saturday so my brain just shuts off for the 6 hours before that and I don’t really do anything that I enjoy? I think I accidentally made myself scared of doing my hobbies. It always seems so icky at first and it gets hard to just, start. And on top of that there’s the summer school and I just hate doing it so much. It’s not even that hard, it’s stuff I learned in elementary school but, I just don’t want to sit down and focus even though this is good for me.

Askdjfjsjejfjgggfddfff anyways, thank you for reading! Have a lovely day! :]

Hi! Thank you!! And I'm glad you have some fun things to look forward to!

I'm replying because I can relate SO MUCH to what you said about struggling with having things in the middle of the day. I've realized for me, it's a transition thing. I hate to start one thing in the morning, only to have to stop in the middle and go do something else...so I end up just doing nothing. Could that be your struggle?

Sending love! <3

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trans skirt anon

HI CAS!!!!

First off I love your fics, you are insanely talented and they make my days better. Now that that’s out of the way I am a trans man and I think I want to start wearing skirts again. Before I started dressing masculine, I wore skirts and I really liked them, but more recently. I have been afraid because I think if I wear skirts, I am more likely to be misgendered. With all that’s going on in the world right now. I’m scared for my future and I don’t want to die, especially having not lived my life to the fullest and caring what other people think, but I’m afraid to get bullied because that happens to me quite a bit. I’m sort of at a loss for what to do. Also, I have transphobic parents, and I’m afraid that if I dress with more feminine clothing that they will disregard my feelings even more.

Hi!

Ooo this is a tough one. I think all of your hesitations are super valid and I can relate to a lot of them. Part of me wants to say "fuck what people think, wear skirts wherever you want!" but I know it's also a lot more complicated than that, especially in today's political climate...

Are there certain places you might feel MORE comfortable wearing a skirt at? People you might feel more comfortable with? For me, I tend to save my most nerve-wracking outfits for people and places that I know are more accepting, you know? Maybe you could at least start with that, see how you feel, and see if it's something you want to do more often?