Believe in Justice

My other brother and sister in law? Both laid off with no reason other than “we’re making some changes” worked there for years, both highly competent people. They tried for several months to find a new job and they couldn’t find one. They have three kids by the way. Two aren’t even pre teens yet, and one is adult, but is so… I don’t know what the proper term is, and I don’t want to accidentally come off offensive, so I’ll say mentally disabled to the point that physically he’s in his 20s, but mentally he’s forever stuck at like 4 or 5. They ALL had to move back in with our parents. That’s 7 damn people under one roof. 4 months later still can’t find a job. The job market is fucking insane, they don’t respond to anyone seeking employment, and have the gall to complain people don’t want to work anymore. No, you just don’t want to hire anyone, dipshits.

So, that also means that for longer than a year now, I haven’t been able to go back and spend some days at my folks to reset on mental fatigue. I don’t even go to visit anymore because it stresses me out so bad just being there. (It’s not a big house.) And with them busy trying to take care of everyone on their end, I have lost my own support group for more than a year now, and basically learned to survive off autopilot, multiple breakdowns, keeping everything negative bottled up so as not to burden anyone, and relapses to self harming at least once a week. I’m home alone all the time because my boyfriend is a plumber, so he doesn’t have set working hours. I am often alone everyday from sun up to nearly sun down. I can’t even leave the house because I have no car and don’t know how to drive, so I rely on him actually being home for me to go somewhere.

Thank you everyone, you’re always so kind and supportive. 💚 Truthfully… my depression has gotten very bad around May. There’s been some good days but I’m struggling to even get out of bed lately. I didn’t want to tell you guys because I didn’t want to worry any of you. I always feel like I’m being a burden if I’m honest about doing badly or rely on anyone. I know I’ve been less and less active here. I’m sorry about that. I have no energy for really anything these days. And what little I do have is spent on discord with new friends I made, moderating one of the servers, or TRYING to get more stuff ready for my twitch. (I’m also a twitch mod for one of them too, so that MIGHT have me a lil busy depending on how often they stream.) It’s taking forever, there’s so much custom stuff you have to get done, and I don’t have the energy or head space to work on it half the time, because real life is draining me dry constantly. I’m trying to commission other artists to do things for me for my channel so I don’t have to do it all, but even that is moving at a snail’s pace because I’m constantly on the poverty line with my own cash. Everything is so ridiculously expensive in this country now, especially medical wise, that I can barely keep up anymore. I can’t even have $2000 in savings either otherwise I lose my disability benefits.

I wanna be able to actually start, but I can’t because it’s not ready, and there’s so much custom stuff that still needs to be made, real life sucks, I’m depressed, stressed, and exhausted all the time, while having suicidal thoughts many nights, I barely eat anymore because of it, and I haven’t been able to get proper rest this entire month. No one really checks on me either, that or it’s only once and that’s it. So NOW I’m also dealing with feeling like I’m not actually cared for, too. Because I’m the one whose always there for everyone, but when I’m doing bad it’s often just crickets. I can’t even afford to go to therapy, and I KNOW that would help me, but I cannot afford to pay $120 per visit when I only make like $1000 per month. Life isn’t going well nor is my dream to start streaming because of all this, AND I’m chronically ill with chronic pain. I started having it three years ago and it’s gotten worse and worse. On the pain scale, I’m at like an 8/10 everyday.

Honestly I’m not even living anymore, just surviving as the world around us gets worse and worse. I’m doing horrible. This is the only time I’ll talk about myself and how I’m doing because I hate doing this, I always feel so fuckin guilty when I even so much as say I’m doing bad. So I won’t be answering any asks that are responding to this post.