#valucelyn

This post by balladofbells dives deeper into the actual similarities between the two characters and does a better job than I can hope to in explaining their shared traits, so give it a read if you haven’t already.

(I’ll put some more of my thoughts about this under the cut if anyone is interested)

I haven't written with the intention of posting for a while so be gentle. I'm getting my post-worthy writer flow back. Drabble of Valentine and Jocelyn staking their claim over poor Luke (this is cannon and thats just so beautiful to me, Luke deserves to be fought over) I'll post the ao3 link which will be an extended version later!

Luke had made the mistake of laughing too loudly. 

Two heads twisted, though one had already started to walk across the lawn, leaving the accumulation of eager ears surrounding him staring perplexed. 

Michael, the offender, sighed next to Luke. “Your boyfriend's coming,” 

Luke’s eyebrows shot up, but before he could contend, Valentine was sidling up to them, a charming smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes framing his wind-flushed face, “What’s so funny?” 

“Oh, nothing,” Luke said, shrugging. Valentine leaned against the wall, an arm above his head, “Michael was just telling me about something.” 

Valentine glanced at Michael, bored. “I could hear you across the lawn,” 

Michael raised his palms in surrender, “He’s all yours. I’ll make myself scarce,” he said, “Robert probably fell into a ditch without any adult supervision.” 

Luke chuckled, “Godspeed, Michael. May your kindness be everlasting,” 

“Kind? Whoever said I was kind? I fully plan on leaving him there, after a good laugh,” Michael said, walking away and waving a lanky arm without looking back. Luke heard him mutter something intangible. 

“So you and Michael are pretty good friends, then?” Valentine asked. He was very close, and Luke could smell the sun on his skin. His gaze hadn’t left Luke. 

“Nope. I hate that guy,” Luke said dryly. 

“He is pretty funny,” Valentine conceded. 

“Are you ok?” Luke asked, squinting, “I think… I think you just complimented him. Was that your intention?” 

“Never, I’m a terrible person,” 

Valentine’s smile widened when Luke snorted. 

“So, how about we go to the city today? Just you and me. I’ve been needing new gloves, lunch is on me,” It always was on him; Luke was the less fortunate of the two. 

“Not today, sorry. I’m booked for the afternoon,” 

Valentine’s smile wavered, “Doing what?” 

“Jocelyn’s helping me with my parry,” Luke said, shyly, despite the fact that Valentine was fully aware of his hurdles regarding swordplay. 

Valentine’s face went bleak, “Oh,” he looked away for a moment, then recovered, “I’ll join you,” 

Luke raised a brow, “You don’t need help with your parry.” 

“Nonesense,” Valentine deflected, “One can never stop learning,” 

Luke grimaced. This was a terrible idea. “Jocelyn… doesn’t like you all that much,” 

“Well, we might as well get acquainted, I am, after all, your parabatai. If she wants to see you, then she has to get used to seeing me too,” 

“I don’t think this is healthy.” 

Valentine pushed himself off the wall, dusting off his leather gear. “I’ll see you tonight then?” 

Luke winced. 

It was going as well as he thought it would. Jocelyn and Valentine were shooting glares. The tension was britle and insufferable. Valentine was scrutinizing and his presence was loud. Jocelyn did her best to ignore Valentine, taking firm hold of Luke’s arm, guiding him through the movements, her fingers slipping around his, rolling his thumb to the correct side of the hilt. Valentine’s stare darkened the longer she pulled him around, to Jocelyn's apparent pleasure. 

Jocelyn’s finger grazed Luke’s knuckles, remarking on how they should flex like a wave, and Luke shivered unconsciously at the featheriness of her touch. 

“You’re doing that wrong.” Valentine interrupted. Once again. 

Luke saw Jocelyn’s eye twitch. She slowly turned her attention. “By all means, please show us how the mighty Morgenstern holds a sword,” 

Valentine stepped between them, and Jocelyn took a hefty step back. Luke closed his eyes. It would be over soon. 

Valentine’s chest was pressed against Luke’s shoulder in an instant as he took full governance over Luke’s body, and instinctually, Luke’s listened. His hand followed the line of Luke’s arm, a light knuckle caressing his skin and leaving goosebumps in its wake, straightening it, fixing his elbow. His hands were cool and calloused. “It starts at the shoulder. It doesn’t matter how well he can grip, the force comes from here,” 

Valentine pressed a hand to Luke’s core. Luke’s skin jumped, and he flushed at the intimate gesture, especially considering Jocelyn's eyes flickered disapprovingly at it. “And it extends through the entire arm.” 

“His posture was fine, that’s why I didn’t correct it,” Jocelyn said. 

“He slouches.” 

“Hey!” Luke interjected, though both of them ignored him. 

“That’s because we’re not actually fighting. The focus on his grip, thats his trouble spot, when we begin to fight, then the rest comes along,” She put her hands on her hip, and Luke internally sighed. Someone was going to bleed today. His name rhymed with ‘asinine’. 

Valentine walked over to the weapon wall, and picked a long, beautiful broadsword. His fingers swept across the silver adoringly, “Show me, then,” 

Luke frowned, “I don’t have gear,” 

Valentine grinned, “I would never hurt you, Lucian. You’re too pretty, and I have to look at you for the rest of my life,” 

“Thanks,” Luke muttered, and set himself in position. 

Immediately, Valentine fell out of his stance, pleased, “You see? Slouched.” 

Jocelyn shot Luke a glare. He shrugged benignly. 

“Maybe we should continue this another time,” Luke said, as he saw the look in her eye. 

“Fine, but I think it’s unproductive to have two teachers,” she said, leveling Valentine’s amused gaze. 

“I agree,” Valentine said lightly, “And as I am his parabatai, I will graciously take the burden off your shoulders.” 

“He was mine first,” Jocelyn enunciated. 

“I can just spar with both of you separately,” Luke tried, swallowing thickly, though his voice was drowned out by the tip of Jocelyn’s blade etching the floor as she circled. 

Valentine followed the predatory ring, lazily swinging the heavy sword, “Was he? I don’t recall any rune marking his skin that says so.” 

Jocelyn grinned, “It’s in a place you don’t have the privilege to see,” 

Luke was horrified, “Please stop.” 

Valentine laughed, “Cheeky, Fairchild,” 

“I’m sparring with Luke for now on. I appreciate your concern with him, but you wouldn’t be so ungentlemanly as to deny a girl her wishes, now would you?” 

Valentine propped an eyebrow, “Of course not,” but a smile was playing on his lips, “How about you spar me then? The victor gets to remain Lucian’s tutor—though it should be noted that I was the one to bring his grade up, despite your alleged concern for him and extensive friendship,” 

“Fine,” 

“Great,” 

Pt. 1: The Body Keeps The Score

We are going to start at the beginning of Luke’s story and pick apart something that is central to Luke’s portrayal of himself and, therefore, how he is often perceived in fandom. And that is Luke’s chronic insecurity and internalized anxious attachment style, which seems to stem from unresolved emotional wounds he received in childhood.

The only window we get into Luke’s early years is a brief excerpt from the beginning of WtWL (pages 118-125), but this anecdote was a game changer for me in how I saw Luke as a character. Luke’s relationship with his parents built a central foundation to a pervasive self-worth issue that persists until the present day (probably because Shadowhunters aren’t big into therapy and he never did that much soul-searching to fix the problem.)

Before fully diving into the central narrative, I wanted to spend some time talking about one small detail that’s mentioned in Luke’s retelling, but doesn’t really flow with the rest of what I want to say.

“Many other families had giant manor houses, sprawling over the green fields of Idris. Ours was a cottage- small, humble. It seemed the wrong sort of structure to try to contain my father, whose fierceness was as outsized as his pride.”

I find this to be an interesting tidbit that potentially masks a lot of substance- (the fact that the Graymarks live in a small cottage while most of the families around them live in ancestral manors.) We know from what Cassie has told us that the Graymarks are an old Shadowhunting family, so why is their property so humble in comparison? Was it a deliberate choice, or did their family fall into disgrace and destitution at some point along the way? We know that the Shadowhunter economy is limited due to almost everyone having the same profession and all income coming solely from the tithes offered by world religious institutions (or from spoils, which have now been illegal for over a century.) “Wealth” in Shadowhunter terms has as much to do with social capital as it does the pure monetary accumulation of any given family- for example, after Benedict Lightwood’s demonic deeds were found out, the entire family fell not only into disgrace, but into actual destitution due to the Clave repossessing much of their wealth as punishment. Gideon and Gabriel had to work hard in order to build their reputation back up, and they were only as successful as they were because they had the backing of both the head of their local Institute and the literal Consul. So it stands to reason that if a similar social plummet occurred in another family, recovery may not be as possible.

I readily admit this is just pure speculation, as we really have no canon information on it one way or another. But generational shame is very much a thing in Shadowhunter culture- you carry both the glories and sins of your ancestors. The possibility of the Graymarks being an old and proud Shadowhunting family, but a disgraced one, could have played a role in why Amatis and Luke seemed to have so few friends, or why their father seemed so concerned with the optics Luke presented to the world and whether or not they were “shameful.”

And this idea interacts with the next line as well- that the Graymark cottage seemed like the wrong kind of structure to contain their father’s pride. If the home wasn’t a choice, but rather a result of losing previous material holdings and societal standing, there could definitely be a sense of resentment and wounded pride that festered in Luke’s father. There is a strange sort of masochism in living in humble conditions on the ancestral plot of land that once housed the family castle, especially when surrounded by families living in the luxury you once had- and not just any random families either, but the same families who have a direct history with your ancestors and who may or may not have played a direct role in whatever occurred that caused their fall from grace. I could see a bitterness developing out of that, and a need to prove oneself that could easily get passed through generations. It’s only one possible explanation out of many, but one thing is for certain- shame is immediately centralized when Luke begins the retelling of his childhood anecdote in WtWL.

“It’s shameful, a Shadowhunter being afraid of the dark.” My father would never had said it to my face. Maybe he didn’t realize how much I eavesdropped when I was supposed to be asleep. Or maybe he did, and it was a message meant for me.

“He’s a sensitive boy,” my mother told him.

“He’s a coward,” my father said. “And you encourage it. His only friend is a girl. That Jocelyn Fairchild. It’s ridiculous. When I was his age, I spent the night alone in Brocelind Forest. All of us did. Lucian cringes away from the very idea.”

“Because he isn’t a fool,” said my mother. “Brocelind is far more full of dangers than it was when you were young. Luke knows that. He’s more my son than yours, that way.”

We start out in the middle of an argument between Luke’s parents- and we learn that Luke often eavesdrops on their conversations when he is supposed to be asleep. This to me is a sign of an anxious child who feels that they need to monitor situations between other family members and gather information stealthily so that they are able to appropriately adapt to an uncertain environment in which they may not be given that knowledge upfront (think Dolores from Encanto.) And if this is the reason why Luke is eavesdropping, it’s a founded fear- his father is communicating an expectation he has for him that he never would have told Luke about directly.

Luke’s mother tries to “defend” Luke by saying he is sensitive, and more like her, to which Luke’s father responds by challenging Luke’s masculinity and exposing his sexist worldview. This exchange is incredibly loaded, and if typical of the interactions Luke’s parents had with one another (which he tells us in the next paragraph it was) it gives us a window into what it was like to grow up in this household.

Luke’s father clearly places less value on the female sex, and sees nothing wrong with saying so to his wife’s face. It stands to reason that it affects his treatment of his daughter, and might explain why we don’t really see any evidence of Amatis being properly trained to fight or having had the opportunity to attend the Academy. And while Luke’s father may place more value in Luke simply for being male, he also sees him as a greater disappointment because he doesn’t possess the kinds of warrior-like traits he was looking for in a son. Luke’s sensitivity, his fears, his caution, his intellect, his shyness- all of these things are derided as “cowardly,” and “shameful.”

Luke may love his mother and sister, he may cherish Jocelyn as a friend, and he may not be as sexist as his father is… but none of that can completely erase the psychological effects of growing up in such a blatantly misogynistic environment. It’s unlikely that Luke has done much deconstruction of this worldview, especially since he is such a young child who doesn’t appear to have had any other outside influences. So even though Luke’s mother seems to be taking his side here- and Luke likely does see her as his champion, especially if she often sticks up for him in arguments with his father- the way she chooses to go about it still reinforces his father’s message that Luke isn’t masculine enough. She doesn’t say: “Lucian is brave, you just haven’t taken the time to see it.” Instead she says: “Lucian is sensitive.” She doesn’t say: “Lucian has the qualities of a fantastic warrior, like the ability to plan ahead.” She says: “Lucian is more my son than yours.”

There’s another reason beyond internalized misogyny that Luke likely doesn’t find his mother’s defense of him overly comforting. The way his mother speaks about him makes it seem less like she is truly standing up for who Luke is as a person, and more like she is using him as her personal mascot to both defend herself and subtly attack Luke’s father. She isn’t considering what Luke wants any more than his father is. Luke is a stand-in for a a deeper argument between his parents in this particular instance, and his lack of surprise (and even the fact that he often felt driven to eavesdrop on his parents arguments in the first place) makes it seem like this is unfortunately the norm in the Graymark household.

“They never raised their voices, my parents. It was worse, somehow, the way they disagreed. Cold, sharp. They used words to slice at each other like razors, to open wounds that would never close.”

In fact, the idea that this style of arguing was common in Luke’s household is reinforced in the very next paragraph, and it is also revealed that verbal abuse was common on both sides. Now, I’m using the term “verbal abuse” here- that is likely not how Luke would choose to define this dynamic. But what Luke describes here is a calculated and consistent effort to cause emotional damage to the other party with words. Blades are a common metaphor for hurtful language, but it’s not lost on me that a Shadowhunter comparing words to razors carries its own kind of weight. These are a people who are intimately familiar with sharp edged weapons and the damage they can do. I find it hard to believe this description was simply thrown in because it sounded poetic. Combined with the other ways Luke chooses to describe his father throughout the story: a man with an “outsized fierceness,” someone whom his mother “loathed,” a man who was willing to “untether himself” from fatherhood the minute his wife was out of the picture, despite his children being well under the age where it would be reasonable to expect them to be independent- we begin to develop a picture of their parental dynamic: intermittently neglectful and involved, with unpredictable rhythms to praise and criticism- the perfect breeding ground for the anxious attachment style Luke exhibits well into adulthood.

“In the morning, when I told my parents that I wanted to spend the night alone in Brocelind Forest- that I wanted to prove to myself that I could face the darkness and whatever lurked within it- a rare smile spread across my father’s face.”

“As I left the house… my mother whispered: “You don’t have to do this.” But I saw the pride on my father’s face, and knew that I did.”

Here, we see that anxious attachment style on full display. He feels that his parent’s love is conditional, especially his father’s. He doesn’t trust that his parents will communicate relevant expectations to him clearly, so he often sneaks around and tries to gather the bits of intel that he can. He doesn’t feel that he can approach his parents and ask for any kind of guidance, so he tries to guess what would please them according to his twelve-year-old understanding of what he overheard. And he is incredibly reactive to body language, facial expressions, wording… he is on full alert, hyper attuned to any sign of a possible emotional shift so he can adjust accordingly.

In this scenario, his father’s facial expression was so impactful that an adult Luke sees it fit to mention it twice, and cite his smile as the deciding factor in taking an action that he was certain would lead to his death.

“I was certain I would die that night. And I would die knowing I was a coward. A true warrior, I thought, would have roamed the woods in search of prey, crouched, narrow-eyed, ready to take down any vampire or wild fey in his path. But I stayed where I was, and I waited for death to emerge from the dark.”

Not only was Luke sure he would die, but he wholeheartedly believed he was a coward. This is very important, because it is such an absurd statement. Here is a twelve-year-old child (Luke’s actual age isn’t stated in the story, but I am going with eleven or twelve based on context clues) who is afraid of the dark, and has been told horror stories about entities living in the woods ever since he could understand language. And he knows these are not just some made-up ghost stories-some very real and very dangerous beings do indeed live in the woods. Yet, he chooses to go off alone into those woods for an entire pitch-black night rather than face his father’s disappointment. It’s certainly stupid, and I hate Luke’s parents for making him feel he had to do it, but cowardice is not really the word that comes to mind to describe it.

“Ave atque vale, we were taught to say at a warrior’s death. But I was only a child, and no one would say it for me.”

If Luke did die in this forest, it would absolutely be a warrior’s death. Even if he didn’t fight very well, he would have been actively murdered by a demon or Downworlder (or I guess mauled to death by a regular wolf.) It would be an absurd waste of life (which is probably part of the reason this “tradition” of spending the night alone in Brocelind seems to be going out of favor) but the criteria to die an honorable Shadowhunter isn’t like the criteria for going to Valhalla- basically, you just have to be a runed Shadowhunter and not commit suicide. Plenty of Shadowhunters die peacefully at home in their beds and still are given a “hail and farewell.”

Yet, Luke is still convinced no one in his life would bother to give him proper funeral rites. What’s worse, he almost seems to think he doesn’t deserve them, presumably because he isn’t a warrior. But if he’s old enough to be sent off into the forest to brave a night alone, then certainly he is old enough to at least know the basics of combat- unless he doesn’t.

“I packed nothing but a dagger. My father’s favored weapon. One that, until that night, he’d never let me touch.”

In Shadowhunter society, there really doesn’t seem to be such a thing as centralized schooling until the Academy, and the Academy is presented as very optional anyhow. Not everyone goes, and it can even close down for entire generations without it leaving that significant of an impact on the Nephilim’s ability to educate their children. To me, this means that parents and/or other adults in a child’s life bear the responsibility for teaching them foundational skills in both academic and physical spheres. We see consistent evidence of this throughout the books- everyone in TID learned to fight at the London Institute. The TLH gang attended the Academy but it was clear that they all had received a significant amount of training in their pre-Academy days and getting kicked out of school didn’t affect their ability to be Shadowhunters in the slightest. By the time TMI rolls around no child even had the opportunity to go to the Academy, and yet they all had received proper education and training.

In fact, educating children is so clearly presented as the domain of their guardians that it actually is a form of neglect in Shadowhunter society to not properly preform this duty to the best of one’s ability. This is especially true of failing to train them in the warrior arts. If you expect them to fight demons as a career, you better be teaching them how to keep themselves alive when they face one. Throughout all the series, the two Shadowhunter guardians towards whom other Shadowhunters show the most disdain are Tatiana and Arthur Blackthorn, because neglect and lack of providing proper education for the children in your care is more unacceptable to your typical Nephilim than even physical abuse.

Luke gives several hints throughout the story that his family failed majorly on this front, and this detail that his father had never let him touch his special dagger until this night underscores that. Maybe on its own that isn’t a major detail- but combined with the fact that Luke seemed barely able to use it and was convinced that he was a failure for not somehow naturally knowing how to fight is a huge red flag. He grew up in an environment that caused this insidious idea to take root that certain traits were entirely inherent- you either had warrior skill or you didn’t, you either were brave or you weren’t, etc. There doesn’t seem to be any understanding that you need to practice things in order to get better at them, that you need to fail first to learn from your mistakes, that you need someone to mentor you and show you the best methods for excelling in any discipline. And even an adult Luke who has learned all of these lessons and demonstrates himself to be a very patient teacher to those younger and less experienced than himself never seems to be quite able to unlearn this mentality when it comes to self assessment. Unfortunately, people often believe that whatever family dynamic they are raised in is the default for everyone else in the world, and so Luke likely believed to his core that everyone who was “good” at being a Shadowhunter was simply born that way- and that he was doomed to always be a disappointment by the same token.

“My sister Amatis had told you what I was doing- perhaps to frighten you, perhaps thinking you’d be impressed.”

As Luke is sitting in the dark, afraid and resigned to his own death, Jocelyn comes to find him. And now we get several interesting tidbits, starting with the fact that Amatis told Jocelyn what was happening. The real reason for this isn’t known, but the most logical explanation to me is that Amatis told Jocelyn so that she could go and help ensure her brother’s survival. We know what kind of family Amatis is growing up in- one where Shadowhunter-typical sexism runs rampant and one in which even the male heir of the family wasn’t properly taught to fight due to the neglect of their parents. As I mentioned before, we see no evidence throughout the series that Amatis can fight, and I’m inclined to think she never really learned how. Amatis knew she couldn’t go help Luke, but she also knew that Jocelyn grew up in a different kind of family and was much more equip to deal with the dangers of the forest than either her or Lucian. And if not, Jocelyn had loving parents who were accomplished Shadowhunters that might be able to help.

But the only reasons Luke can possibly fathom that Amatis might have told Jocelyn what he was doing was that she was trying to either frighten or impress her. This doesn’t seem very in line with the Amatis we meet in TMI, although granted, the dynamic between them might have been very different as children. Still, I’m more inclined to believe that this reading of Amatis’ motivations extends from that same place of low self-worth that dominates the rest of the story. It was too mind-boggling for Luke to think Amatis may have preferred he come home alive than have a brother who had proven himself a brave and manly Shadowhunter.

“But you had never been easy to alarm, or to impress. You threw on your coat and raced into the forest after me. Even as a child, you knew no fear.”

And then the comparisons start. Luke compares himself to Jocelyn, and even though she is a child no older than he is, she is somehow everything he isn’t. She is stoic in comparison to Luke’s apparent sensitivity. She knows no fear, while Luke is a self-branded coward for being afraid. And yet, her very actions show this isn’t true. She ran into the forest after Luke because she was so afraid- afraid for him. It was only Luke’s perception of her from the outside that she was fearless, that she kept her emotions in check, that she was naturally a great warrior. And this is the story Luke consistently presents as fact- an unfair comparison point that contrasts the actions of others and the face they present to the world with his own inner world that is filled with anxiety and self-doubt.

“You think I can’t handle a vampire?

“I think we can handle anything if we stick together.”

Which, now that I think about it, was extremely diplomatic.”

We now get a little taste that this perception of himself is not shared by others who only get to see Luke from the outside. Jocelyn says they can handle anything together, and Luke assumes she is being diplomatic, because he feels he could be of no assistance in a fight. But from everything I know of Jocelyn, I highly doubt this is the case. Jocelyn might not even realize that Luke has very little combat training in comparison to her. In fact, her declaration that they can “handle anything if [they] stick together” closely mimics language used in a parabatai proposal. If anything, Jocelyn is trying to signal that she sees Luke as an equal and wishes to be by his side regardless of the situation. But to Luke, this isn’t a declaration of trust- it’s a subtle reproof of his incompetence as a warrior. This is yet another failure of the mentality his parents somehow instilled in him- successful Nephilim know that reliance on others is a key part of Shadowhunting. Patrol is done in pairs at the very least, but larger groups are common as well. For Luke to believe that he is a failure if he can’t solo Brocelind Forest is yet another sign that he grew up being taught the most warped view of his culture possible.

“You don’t have to pretend, you know,” you said. “It’s okay to be afraid.”

“That was it, Jocelyn. The first time I lied to you. “I’m not afraid,” I said. Then I lied again. “I need to do this by myself.” The voice of my heart, the truth-teller, said: Stay with me, keep me company. There’s no one I like being with as much as I like being with you. But that voice was a silent one.”

Then Jocelyn neatly demonstrates the difference between her upbringing and Luke’s in one simple sentence: “it’s okay to be afraid.” Just a few paragraphs ago, Luke praised Jocelyn as someone who harbored no fear, simply because he didn’t see it in her. By that same token, he derided himself as a coward- not because he was running away from anything, but simply because he felt afraid. But it turns out Jocelyn didn’t even see the world that way. She believed that it was okay to be afraid, and she knew that bravery meant pushing through that fear in order to do what needed to be done. Someone taught her this, likely her parents, who also taught her things like how to fight demons and to cultivate a belief that she had intrinsic value.

But Luke had been taught other things. He’d been taught to sit at the stairs and listen to all of his parents arguments in order to have the information he needed to navigate their expectations. He’d learned that he should possess perfect mastery over his emotions and body, and the fact that he didn’t is what made him disgraceful to his father and unworthy of even being mourned over properly in the event of his death. He still had his father’s voice ringing in his ears: “his only friend is a girl…it’s ridiculous.” And although he loved and respected Jocelyn, a part of him believed that it was different for her- that maybe she could afford to be afraid since she was a woman, but he couldn’t. So he sent her away, and was drowning so completely in his own warped worldview that he didn’t realize why this hurt Jocelyn so deeply. He couldn’t fathom that he was turning down the potential beginning of a more solidified relationship that may have even blossomed into something like a parabatai bond or romantic relationship down the road, because the fact that she could be trying to develop something like that with him genuinely never crossed his mind.

“I expected my parents and sister to be waiting for me. But my father had gone into Alicante for the day- he hadn’t even waited to see if I’d survived. And my mother was sitting on the porch, with a packed satchel next to her.”

And what happened next shows why Luke couldn’t have possibly had the spoons to consider Jocelyn’s perspective too deeply at the time. Luke’s entire family has acted as if they had no faith he would survive the night in the forest this entire time- which, all things considered, is pretty ridiculous. His death was definitely a possibility, especially with how little training Luke seemed to have, and I would argue any kind of risk with your child’s life is too high of a risk. But for every scenario in which Luke died, there were ten others in which he survived. For all that Shadowhunter racism paints Downworlders as bloodthirsty monsters, surely the adults would at least understand that there were very few willing to risk the wrath the Clave would surely rain down upon their heads if they murdered a Nephilim child. Really, the greatest chance of Luke dying was if he were attacked by an actual demon… which could happen, but doesn’t seem to be too likely in Idris. What I’m getting at here is that Luke’s parents should have been expecting him to survive… and the insinuation here is that they did, but simply gave him the impression that they believed he wouldn’t. Which is pretty fucked up on its own. It also means that Luke comes back, feeling that he beat the odds in a million ways, and is only met by his mother, giving the impression that his father cared so little about whether he lived or died that he didn’t even bother to stick around to see.

“When she saw me, she wept. She caught me in her arms, and I stood motionless, stiff and frozen and unresponsive, because I couldn’t believe what she was saying. “Oh, Lucian. I was up all through the night, and I prayed and prayed to Raziel for your safety. I made a vow to him, to the Angel. I promised my life for yours.”

I still didn’t understand. She explained that she’d promised the Angel that if I lived, she would consecrate her life to the Iron Sisters… Even as she spoke, I could feel her excitement, that she was glad to go, and something inside me seemed to shrivel and die.”

His mother, by the way, already has one foot out the door when he shows up. She makes this bullshit excuse that she made a vow to the Angel to trade her life in service to the Iron Sisters for his. Now Luke isn’t even able to believe that his own determination to sit the entire night in that forest despite the fact that he was so afraid that he was hallucinating meant anything at all- because in reality, the only reason someone so cowardly and weak was spared was because his mother prayed all the monsters away.

“My father had gone to Alicante because he could not bear to watch her leave, and Amatis was in her room, sobbing. Alone, I watched my mother walk away, and I blamed myself. I was the one who had chosen to go into the woods, who had forced my mother to make this sacrifice to ensure my safety.”

And now all the pieces come together- the proof that Luke’s parents, at least, had expected him to live from the start. His mother was waiting on the porch with her bags packed, excitement radiating off of her. His father had left because he was sure she would be gone when he came back. That only works if Luke lives. But twelve-year-old Luke can’t put all those pieces together. Instead, he is left with the parting impression that he was to blame for being so pathetic that he needed such a sacrifice just to keep him alive. And that’s a weight he would carry around with him for life- no matter how much he claims he knows better now, it colors the way he paints himself in every story he tells.

“Now I am wiser: I know my mother loathed my father and was fleeing from him, not from me or from my sister. But at the time, as a child, all I knew was abandonment. All I knew was that my mother, who I thought had loved me more than anyone in the world, had found it easy enough to leave me in the end.”

The truth, though, is that his mother loathed his father, but wouldn’t get a divorce from him because of the same traditionalist stigma that informed the family attitude on everything else. She was escaping an abusive situation in the only way she had figured out how to without compromising her own beliefs- and on her way out the door, trampled on her children’s self-worth and trust. Luke’s parents already weren’t stable figures in his life, but he had at least believed that his mother loved him. Now she left him, quickly, excitedly, and insinuated that it was his fault she did so. Is it any wonder that Luke’s attachment style is so anxious or that he doesn’t trust that people could see value in who he truly is?

“And I survived it…. My mother gone. My father, without her, untethered from us… The task of raising me fell to my sister Amatis, forcing her to sacrifice her freedom to obligation. Did she love me less for being the cause? I think so.”

We end this vignette with the complete collapse of this horribly unstable family system. His mother leaves, his father also seems to leave in every way that counts, Amatis is parentified and Luke can sense her resentment and blame. Luke also mentions that his relationship with Jocelyn became more distant than before. “I survived it” became his refrain. He lived life feeling inadequate, burdensome, and undeserving- as a Shadowhunter, as a man, and as a friend and family member. That is enough to break anybody down.

I felt sick to my stomach reading every line of this story. Yet Luke tells this story as if it isn’t horrifying. He seems to struggle reconciling his family dynamic as abnormal or abusive- there are hints in that direction, but he can’t seem to be able to acknowledge it outright. But emotional scars like that are carried throughout life, and we see them mapped out in Luke’s behavior, in the way he codes worth, in how he tells stories. This particular story isn’t just about how he first lied to Jocelyn- it’s about why he became a people pleaser, why rejection terrifies him more than living in abject misery, why he doesn’t truly believe anything good about himself, and why he would rather stick out an increasingly untenable and abusive situation than walk away. It’s an important thing to keep in mind as I continue this breakdown- Luke is great at seeming put together on the outside, but internally, he’s a bit of a mess, and this is reflected in the way he tells stories. Everything is wrapped up in a nice neat package, but the cracks are there if you care to look for them.

Some part of him will always be that little boy on the porch after the most exhausting and terrifying night of his life, watching his mother walk away from him and realizing that nothing he ever did would make his parents love him. This is the Lucian Graymark that Valentine Morgenstern meets a few years later at the Academy… a Valentine Morgenstern who also had plenty of emotional scars from an abusive childhood of his own. And as I’ll show in part two, this is key to understanding this relationship… and also to understanding why it was so toxic and doomed from the start.

Intro: Real Life is Rarely So Neat As The Stories We Tell About It

Alright, so this one has been in the works for a while, but I think this post (or rather posts, as this is a multi-parter) is one of the reasons I actually created this blog in the first place. So buckle up, because off we go!

There’s a question that has circulated in fandom spaces and sort of haunted the narrative for Circle-era enjoyers in the TSC space. And it’s this: “Why did Valentine Morgenstern ever get a parabatai to begin with? And why was that parabatai Luke?”

Sometimes people don’t ask in so many words. It’s more expressed in sentiments about how Valentine “never cared about Luke” or how Valentine was only ever Luke’s parabatai in an attempt to get closer to Jocelyn. I think it’s partially why Who The Wolf Loves was puzzling to some people, because it disrupted that narrative. (And don’t get me wrong, there are definitely things to gripe about with WtWL, it’s not the most internally consistent story to be sure.)

The thing is, I genuinely think the wrong question is being asked here. I think Valentine did care about Luke. I think their parabatai bond was strong and meaningful. And I also think that reading the text with this assumption adds nuance and opens the door for some other interpretations that add depth to Valentine’s character, and connect some of the dots about the way he experienced the world.

The reason this is hard to pull from the text is because everything we read about is through a 20/20 hindsight bias. Jocelyn’s POV is rife with all the signs of Valentine being a red flag, but clearly these didn’t register to her when she was falling in love with him. Luke’s retelling is a bit more fair in some ways, acknowledging that his feelings about Valentine were different when Luke was actually a part of the Circle… but it can’t be divorced from his current knowledge about what Valentine became either. Everything Valentine says in TMI about his feelings for Jocelyn and Luke is brought to us from the lens that they eventually betrayed him. The only “pure” narrative from a Circle member’s point of view that is not in any way filtered with the benefit of hindsight is Celine’s story in The Wicked Ones… and that doesn’t help us in examining the relationship between this particular trio.

This means that a lot of my opinions about The Circle and our favorite Triple-T Trio are formed based on subtext and cross-referencing their stories with where they don’t line up with what we as an audience are shown.

This method leaves a lot up for individual interpretation- I’m not saying my opinion is inherently correct or even what the author intended. But based on the information we have, it also isn’t necessarily incorrect, and I enjoy providing alternative ways to look at characters that delve a little deeper into complexity as a part of human nature… which means that not everything a character self-reports is necessarily the truth. I come at this from a place of assuming that Valentine, Jocelyn, and Luke as they appear in TMI are unreliable narrations about their Circle days.

So let’s go on a journey- one that attempts to dissect the character of Luke Garroway and make sense of the parabatai bond that existed between him and Valentine Morgenstern from a slightly unconventional point of view.

LUKE (he gets the most songs for being my favorite)

Luke about Jocelyn:

Time Period: during Jocelyn’s first year at the Academy, when Luke realizes he is in love with her

Stand-out lyric(s): “through echoing futures are the buckling sutures that hold shut the wounds of the past.”

“My insecurities surround me like lions in the den”

“Slowly I remember why I cannot pretend that I never think of you in all this screaming silence”

“With my love as your garden, won’t you fall for me… I am yours in the end, so won’t you fall for me?”

One-paragraph justification: This song is so poetic, which I feel fits Luke, the canonical owner of a book store and author of Who the Wolf Loves, which, let’s be honest, is very artsy and effusive in its storytelling style. This song is hopeful and pining, and yet at the same time desperately insecure- so perfect for teen Luke. (Also, why do I get the vibes that this would be a scrap of poetry that Luke would write for Jocelyn and then immediately hide under his bed never to see the light of day, but then Valentine would find it when snooping around Luke’s stuff like the creep he is and present it to Jocelyn, passing it off as his own work, and she would think it was super sweet and romantic, and Luke would just… never say anything about it)

Time Period: after Luke finds Jocelyn and Clary in New York

Stand-out lyric(s): “I circle in, it’s all pitch black, the first time a boy called me fat. On the field I threw the ball, and laughed like it didn’t hurt at all.”

“it’s hard to ever feel intact- it’s hard to never want it back.”

“Our favorite tree we laid under, you made tea. Sugar water you served me.”

“The rapture of our innocence- if we are guilty, slap our wrists. The pleasure of our ignorance…”

One-paragraph justification: This song is focused on an innocent childhood friendship, and the pain of losing things you don’t even know if you should want back. I think the period of time after Luke found Jocelyn and Clary had to have been a time of intense self-reflection and growth for him as a person. In WtWL, he admits that it was the first time he was able to let go of some of his own trauma-informed desires and expectations and just see Jocelyn for who she was, instead of who he either wanted or feared her to be. Along with that, there was likely some real reckoning with his status as a werewolf and how that affected him, along with a serious reevaluation of his relationship with Valentine and his parents and just… all of it. This song basically gives me the vibes of someone who got their money’s worth out of therapy- a sort of love letter and goodbye to the past all at once.

Time Period: circa Luke and Jocelyn’s wedding

Stand-out lyric(s): “it’s the simplest things- a whisper in the breeze, the smell of the sea- that leaves you bawling.”

“When love comes knocking at your door, there is no lesson anymore.”

“When the dancer becomes the dance, the unbreakable starts to bend.”

“When the singer becomes the song, sing: “we are one, we are one, we are one.””

“Your hair was filled with flowers and you crept into my soul. Like my mother told me: “you’ll just know.””

“So I gave up on perfection, truth is the dirt in this ground. I started looking for answers and I watched the clouds.”

“You’re the dance- while it lasts, let it last.”

One-paragraph justification: This encapsulates the culmination of the relationship he and Jocelyn have painstakingly built together piece by piece. It’s a sad song in some ways to me- there’s trauma and loss and regret woven into the very fabric of the story. But there’s so much love and joy and gratitude as well. Who can say that what have is better for being so hard-won, but it’s theirs and it’s beautiful- a real phoenix risen from the ashes. That’s what this song is to me- mature love that celebrates the messy whole, not just the perfect parts.

Luke about Valentine:

Time Period: after Luke and Valentine became parabatai, circa the death of Valentine’s father

Stand-out lyric(s): “If you speak then I would move, then I would run right where you are.”

“But you love me like my mother, and you kiss me like your wife, and I swear to you I’ll give you more than I have tonight.”

“The wolves are at my neck- I can’t talk about that yet.”

“And you’ll look and tell me: “baby, you remember what I said? I know who you are, you’ll be fine. I know who you are, ‘cause you’re mine.””

“The color in your eyes are saying: if my dreams come up empty, and I wash up on the shore, you would find me at the beach in every life through every door.”

One-paragraph justification: This song just has such an earnest and vulnerable vibe to it- it sounds like someone who hasn’t yet had a reason to put up walls around their heart, and is in love with a capital L. And Mr.-“do you remember his laugh… the way it was like an invitation, this way lies joy”-Garroway was definitely in love with Valentine. Not in the romantic sense, perhaps, but certainly in the alterous sense. This is him totally unaware of the storm coming his way- and earnestly believing that enough love could glue together any cracks that might already be showing.

Time Period: within the first couple months after turning into a werewolf

Stand-out lyric(s): “it wasn’t pretty like the movies, it was ugly like what they all did to me. And they did to me what I wouldn’t do to anyone- you know that’s for sure.”

“Tell me all the time not to worry, and think of all the time I’ll have with you… held close all the time, knowing I’m half of you.”

“Lay me down where the trees bend low- put me down where the greenery stings. I can hear them singing: “to love me is to suffer me.” And I believe them.”

“You’ll go fight a war- I’ll go missing. I’ve warned you for me it’s not that hard.”

“That picture on the wall you’re scared of looks just like you.” (I have a very specific image in my head of Valentine having this huge framed portrait of his father somewhere.)

“Maybe you’re right and we should stop watching the news- ‘cause baby, I’ve never seen brown eyes look so blue.”

“Gardenias on the tile, where it makes no difference who held back from who.”

One-paragraph justification: This song has a specific weighty melancholy to it and conveys the bittersweet feel of someone who has been taken advantage of but the anger hasn’t quite set in yet. Luke admits that right after turning, he challenged the pack leader in Brocelind specifically so he could die in a way that Valentine might mourn. This doesn’t sound like someone who has fully accepted how betrayed they were. We get a lot of 20-20 hindsight takes from Luke throughout the books, but something tells me that the first little while was more dominated by self-loathing than anything else- in WtWL it seems that the real recontextualization of Valentine as a person occurred in response to what he was doing to Jocelyn. This song captures that liminal emotional state for me- the emerging idea that what happened may have been messed up, but the rose-colored glasses and nostalgia for the past are still present.

Time Period: post-Battle at the Accords Hall

Stand-out lyric(s): “it doesn’t make me angry, I don’t feel that anymore. I’m never disappointed ‘cause I’ve seen this place before.”

“Now I wake up every morning waiting for the day to end”

“It’s someone else’s secrets on the collar of your shirt- It doesn’t make a difference, it just makes my stomach hurt.”

“Now everybody loves you, but they don’t know who you are.”

“For a moment you looked wounded, then you walked right out the door, living in a movie I collapse against the wall. That fatalistic summer- you turned the tide on me- I swallowed my heart and chased my shadow down the street.”

“When I’m feeling tragic it’s all I think about... some kind of revelation that leaves you terrified: I think that I am evil, I could kill you if I tried. But I don’t dream about it anymore.”

JOCELYN

Jocelyn about Valentine

Time Period: right after Jonathan was born

Stand-out lyric(s): “I’m glued to a building that’s on fire, handcuffed to a narcissistic liar.”

“Will you pass me through your bloodline with your ornamental rage? Can I take the blame for everything you hate? The punishment and crime are not the same.”

“Arsonist, your human starter kit came incomplete.”

“You don’t love the flames, you just want them for yourself.”

“You smothered out the glow I grew for you, but it was mine too.”

“Alchemy’s not love, it’s playing God, and there’s a penance paid for entering a temple like a fraud in your charade.”

“Did you know the father’s DNA stays inside the mother for seven years? Have you ever waited seven years?”

“Do you ever wish you were still asleep? Do you ever wish you wouldn’t wake up?”

One-paragraph justification: This is right around when Jocelyn is waking up to the monster Valentine is and what he’s done to her and her son- she’s angry, she’s sad, and she feels hopeless. Halsey is so good at songs that evoke horror vibes, and I think this is perfect for what Jocelyn is going through in this moment.

Time Period: after Clary was born

Stand-out lyric(s): “you won’t fight for a single thing you love.”

“But I won’t ever let you find me, I will salt the earth behind me.”

“It’s your fault I wanna die, but I will learn to love this world- I won’t be November’s girl.”

“Cause I will cut off my own hand before I reach for you again.”

“I’ve got nothing left for you, I am sinking into blue, I won’t dream of you this time, I will have a spotless mind.”

“Witness protection, 51-50, you couldn’t wait to make the call.”

One-paragraph justification: This is Jocelyn’s “taking-back-her-life” song after she’d had some time to process her grief over Jonathan and come out of her depressive haze a little. She left Luke behind in Paris, and now she’s ready to do what it takes to keep her and Clary safe. At this point she has enough distance to look back and reevaluate her relationship with Valentine, and decide that it won’t control her life (although the undercurrents of trauma are certainly still there.)

Jocelyn about Luke:

Time Period: Paris right before leaving Luke behind

Stand-out lyric(s): “no, nothing good starts in a getaway car.”

“He poisoned the well, I was lying to myself.”

“You were driving the getaway car, we were flying, but we’d never get far…should’ve known I’d be the first to leave.”

“Well he was running after us, I was screaming: “go, go, go!” But with three of us honey, it’s a sideshow. And a circus ain’t a love story, and now we’re both sorry.”

“He poisoned the well, every man for himself… it hit you like a shotgun, shot to the heart.”

“I left you in the motel bar, put the money in a bag and I stole the keys, that was the last time you ever saw me.”

“I was crying in a getaway car, I was dying in a getaway car, said goodbye in a getaway car.”

One-paragraph justification: While perhaps a bit more upbeat and intentional then the traumatized Jocelyn may have been able to manage, this song captures the guilt and regret I think Jocelyn did feel about leaving Luke, but the ultimate conviction that the decision was still the right one because a relationship dogged by the shadow of Valentine’s legacy of abuse wasn’t ultimately going to be a happy or successful one.

Time Period: circa Jocelyn and Luke’s wedding

Stand-out lyric(s): “I don’t wanna look at anything else now that I saw you- I don’t wanna think of anything else now that I thought of you.”

“I’ve been sleeping so long in a twenty-year dark night- and now I see daylight.”

“I wounded the good and I trusted the wicked- clearing the air, I breathed in the smoke.”

“I once believed love would be burning red- but it’s golden.”

“I want to be defined by the things that I love. Not the things that I hate- not the things I’m afraid of. Not the things that haunt me in the middle of the night- I just think, you are what you love.”