#uzman

A joint review...

Sub-Atomic (to be said in your best Debbie Harry voice)

We shall begin by saying the worst bit about this film (as we're that way inclined today...) is the use of the word Quantum in front of every other word. It's too much, Scott even agreed with us at one point, we hate hate hate it. We also realise this doesn't bode well for the third film which even includes it in the title.

We do not want to go to the Quantum Realm, although I don't think anyone in the film really did either, especially if there is the chance to bring back some sort of zombie infection.

We do like the colours, but imagine being inside the swirling mess of rainbow might be quite sickening, sort of like the Mirror Dimension (not the mirror world, we won't bring up Mr Susan again... *look at them shine*). It would be like being stuck in a magic eye puzzle, which @cassandrafey does not want to be, but @becksxoxo is so confident in her magic eye skills as to boast that she'd get us out. She went to a RADAR museum and learnt how to do them, then got given a book and can now see the future. (@cassandrafey doesn't like this at all...).

We don't want to go. We're not cut out for it. Please don't send us to the Quantum Realm.

We shall now move on to the filling of this hate sandwich, (oh yes, there's more rage to come...) and tell you about all the bits that we loved.

The side characters in this film are arguably the best characters in this film.

Agent Jimmy Woo is a legend. He also delivered one of our favourite lines of the film:

"Oh Cassie, this must all seem like a bunch of confusing grown-up stuff to you. Well, think of it this way, your school has rules right? Like you can’t draw on the walls. Well your daddy went to Germany and drew on the walls with Captain America. And that was a violation of article 16 paragraph 3 of the Sokovia Accords. Now as a part of his joint plea deal with Homeland Security and the German government, he was allowed to return to the U.S. provided he serve 2 years under house arrest followed by 3 years of probation and avoid any unauthorised activities, technology or contact with any former associates who were or are currently are in violation of said accords or any elated statutes. Okay, sweetie?"

Then @becksxoxo said something, that we won't repeat here, but it was something similar to the plum gravy incident. @cassandrafey has said she could get on board with it, depending on which Cap we're talking about.

We love that Jimmy became obsessed with learning close up magic. We like to hark back to times when we had nothing better to do at work than research how to do stupid things. It’s also lovely see that he has learned some bits by the time we get to WandaVision.

We also really loved Jimmy accidently asking Scott out on a date at the end. It may even become our OTP (reading this back @cassandrafey has just become the most British I've ever heard by shouting 'NOW STEADY ON!' down the phone at me, like the Captain off of Ghosts. She's said he's the only thing about the war that she likes. @becksxoxo then shared a very emotional moment she recently had involving the captain, which led to her crying at a fan edit on tiktok. @cassandrafey then made a gurgling noise as she shrieked so much she had to go to the toilet. It's safe to say we are not doing well.) We haven't looked up fanfic yet but we're sure there will be plenty of x-rated magic puns and we can't wait.

We think one of the main reasons we love these side characters is how relatable we find them, which we'll touch on again shortly.

When startled and cross Jimmy says

"How could this happen? I mean, what the dickens?"

Sometimes we say stupid stuff like that (as clearly stated above) and it's just nice to see it represented on screen.

We love Luis, and how worried he was about giving that presentation, we feel you Luis! Although, imagine if you were sat in a meeting and those three goons rocked up to sell you something. WE'D BE BUYING. He's also a really good friend, sure he's fretting about work, but he's still on board with moving fake ant limbs to entertain Cassie. He's also just really really funny:

"Who are you and why do you know so much about car wash protocol?"

That really tickled us.

The whole truth serum bit was a million chefs' kisses, just so good. Firstly, Young Hugh - always a delight to see someone off of the telly on the big screen (we're guessing Zola got him the gig...). Also we loved how disappointed in himself he was when he realised it was truth serum.

Then this whole conversation:

Sonny: Wait, hold on, hold on. Now I like a good story as much as the next person, but what’s this have to do what where Scott Lang is?

Luis: I’m getting there. I’m getting there.

Dave: You put a dime in him, you got to let the whole song play out.

Kurt: He’s like human jukebox.

WE LIVE FOR LUIS' STORIES. The whole way they do them are great. @becksxoxo would go as far as to say she has never seen anything better, in the whole history of cinema, than the way they do them stories. Him talking over the other people acting, it just fills me with such joy. @cassandrafey doesn't seem convinced by this statement, but what we both agree on is his hair in this story was perfect.

We love Dave spending money they don't have on fancy car washes, another little bit of relatable story!

We know that Kurt is the tech guy, but we really appreciate the amount of superstition he is bringing to the group, AGAIN another bit of us represented on the big screen.

Baba Yaga come at night

Little children sleepy tight

Baba Yaga give you bite

Lay in bed, don't be upright

Baba Yaga, big black stick

Come for children playing trick

Baba Yaga at your door

Baba Yaga hear you snore

Baba Yaga, it's so smelly

Baba Yaga, you're in it's belly

We should probably be worried about how much we relate to these three fucking idiots, but we'll push that down for now. However, they do save the day in the end so maybe we should celebrate it.

We want to emphasis again how Scott Lang is without a doubt the best father in the MCU (and obviously the best grandma too!). He's a convicted criminal and yet manages to do some excellent parenting and have a good secure family situation going on. We wonder if Marvel has noticed they've accidently done that? So help us if they try and fuck any of that up in Quantumania.

We also love that Scott Lang calls people out on their bullshit. We've already mentioned the Quantum thing and we also really enjoyed:

"That's not a disguise, Hank. We look like ourselves at a baseball game."

YES!

We super enjoyed him being shrunk down to toddler size. Roaming around the school corridors and having the shit ripped out of him by his friends. Very good. Very comedic. Nice.

He's just a good egg. He's not dramatic and angsty, he's just kind and good and fun. It's nice not to have to worry about someone for a change, soothing in fact.

We also still really love Cassie, she's great, well rounded, happy and we love her referring to the police as The Fuzz and the Po-Po. We also very much enjoyed the World's Best Grandma trophy, and her desire to take it to show and tell.

What would you like to take to show and tell?

@cassandrafey: I was going to say these reviews, but after all the time my colleague spent trying to google them just to have a read, after I refused to give him the blog name, perhaps I wouldn't. May I would take one of my Rafa hats, just as an excuse to talk about him.

@becksxoxo: And just sit and weep about his knees?

@cassandrafey: I love that man!

@becksxoxo: What would I take to show and tell?

@cassandrafey: All your wine. You are an ambassador now after all...

@becksxoxo: *wheezes and thinks fondly of all those the thief x reader fanfic she has saved in her inbox...*

@becksxoxo was pleased Hope had ditched the fringe and @cassandrafey enjoyed her badass ways. We love her dressed up as a dangerous victorian orphan, and how she doesn't take shit from anyone.

@becksxoxo specifically enjoyed her reaction to not being invited to Germany.

Scott: I’m sorry about Germany. They just showed up and said it was a matter of national security. That Cap needed help.

Hope: Who’s Cap?

Scott: …tain America. Captain America. Cap. That’s what we call him if you’re a friend. I think I’m a friend, a little. I know him. He’s not; we’re not.. Whatever.

Scott: I’m sorry, I didn’t think I would get caught.

Hope: You didn’t think about a lot of things.

Scott: How's Hank?

Hope: We're still running. The House is gone, so is out freedom. How do you think he is?

Scott: I'm sorry. I know you're mad.

Hope: I'm not looking for an apology, Scott. The only reason why we're even talking is because we need what's in your head.

...

Scott: I just have one question, when Cap needed help, if I’d asked you, would you have come?

Hope: I guess we’ll never know. But if you had, you’d never been caught.

@cassandrafey thinks its because we have conversations very similar to that. Again, REPRESENTATION.

Hank Pym, a very angry man. He's constantly giving sass from the back seat, and really has fallen out with anyone he's ever met. At some point you have to consider if maybe it's just you, but we don't begrudge Hank it. In fact, it makes us love him more.

Scott: Hold on, you gave her wings?!

Hank: And blasters.

Scott: So I take it you didn’t have that tech available for me.

Hank: No, I did.

We are concerned however, that he hadn't seemed to have bothered about looking for his wife before this. But we've put it down to him not wanting to make things worse.

We were disappointed by the lack of ants in this film, but Hank did seem to have made a lot more of the bigger ones (they're our favourite).

Our second fanfiction question of the review, is there Hank/Scott as Janet fanfic out there, because we saw the way Hank looked at Scott, and we imagine it was very disturbing for Hank to think back on, but maybe (in one universe) it wasn't?

We were impressed by the magnificent shrinking and growing of the lab building. It opened up many prospects to relieve the giant suitcases that @becksxoxo ends up dragging across the London Underground. We do have concerns that all your belongings would be thrown askew and smashed to bits while its being carried about, but we have decided to just suspend belief for now (the same with the plumbing and foundations...).

We'll spare a word for Janet, who seems to have returned as a witch, although we're sure her true title is Quantum Witch, and who we both agreed was very pretty.

And now on to our villains.

We knew Sonny Burch was a wrong un because he doesn't wear socks with his slip on shoes. He seemed the sort of villain you'd have in the 80s, very corporate but not really that dangerous in real life. We didn't much care for him. NEXT!

Ava, very British for someone who grew up in Argentina and then worked in America. We wanted to like her more, but were just quite irritated by her messing things up when they would have helped her if she'd just asked. It is another example though of SHIELD really being dickheads, what were they playing at?!

Bill Foster the Science Guy. He seemed alright, good morals, just trying to do his best. We enjoyed him and Scott comparing sizes, and him and Hank snarking at each other.

Maybe Ava and Bill will return in the next film? Who knows? Not us!

So before we go to tart this up, smack it’s arse and send it out into the world, we have one more thing to say.

The after credit scene is harrowing. We hate being plunged back in to despair, with @becksxoxo's notes just reading:

For fucks sake, I can't. Why can't anything just end happily. Fucking hell fire. Fucking Thanos. Fucking Infinity Stones. I HATE IT.

On that cheerful note we shall bid you adieu. Gird your loins for Infinity War next week.

Uzman Çavuş

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