#uvm

October 2002

“Get in, loser!”

Kasey gave Alex the slightest smile through the open passenger door window. His eyes were half lidded and droopy, as they had been since August. Mr. Winter’s funeral had left a shadow over all of them, but over nobody more than Kasey, even though he and his dad had been rocky at the best of times. At least this time his clothes looked clean and fresh, Alex thought, not covered in dirt or leaves from the copious amount of time he spent smoking in the woods behind his house, as much as he claimed not to. But Alex could always smell the weed on him.

There was no scent of marijuana this time when Kasey sat next to him. Alex closed the passenger window and turned the volume down on the radio, then turned to Kasey. “Hey.”

“Hey.” Kasey shuffled with his backpack at his feet before finally making eye contact. Alex tried to control the beating of his heart under his gaze, which was always warm for Alex, no matter how shit Kasey was feeling. And he had been feeling pretty shit lately. 

“I have a plan,” Alex said. “Like, not a massive one. Or a complex one, just… let’s go to the Tremblay’s farm, yeah? Finn joins Logan there all the time, there’s a part with a field. I mean, you can see the stars and shit, it’s pretty nice-”

“Alex,” Kasey chastised, but he was smiling gently. “That sounds good.”

“Yeah?” Alex wasted no time putting his pickup into gear. “Great, because I wasn’t sure if you’d want to go and just, like, sit under the night sky with our feelings and shit, but…”

He saw Kasey shrug out of the corner of his eye. “We don’t have to talk about our feelings.”

“I know, I just…” Alex heaved out a sigh. “Okay. Yeah, okay. We can just- chat. Yeah.”

“Well, we know you’re good at that.”

Alex rolled his eyes, but smiled. And when he turned to look at Kasey briefly- whose hair looked unfairly soft in the street lights- he was smiling back.

***

“You were right, the stars are pretty here.”

“I told you so.”

Kasey’s nudge to his knee didn’t have any feeling behind it. Alex nudged him back playfully before settling back against the pillows he’d put in his pickup bed, shivering underneath the blanket they were sharing. The wind whistled through the Vermont woods that surrounded the farmland, but it was almost more comforting than creepy. They’d been passing whiskey that Alex had smuggled from his dad’s stock back and forth, and it was starting to make their skin flush. Still, Alex shuffled closer to seek out Kasey’s warmth beside him. “I think the ghosts are out to get us.”

Kasey snorted. “Ghosts?”

“Yeah. Ghosts of- I don’t know who, but ghosts. They’re in the woods, can’t you hear them?”

“No, I’m too busy listening to you talk my ear off.”

Alex flushed and ducked his chin under the blanket. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Kasey rubbed a hand up Alex’s arm, leaving goosebumps in his wake. “It helps.”

Alex turned his head away from the sky at that. Kasey didn’t like to talk about it. Since Alex had returned to college in September, he’d made the drive from Burlington a couple of times to visit, and called Kasey at least once a week. But still, it was mostly superficial, and Kasey mostly asked Alex questions about his life. Alex didn’t know how many ways he could explain how much he hated his calculus class before they ran out of things to talk about.

Although, Alex didn’t think he’d ever get tired of talking with Kasey- which was yet another thing they never, ever discussed.

Alex didn’t think Kasey regretted kissing him- Alex certainly didn’t. He did regret the circumstances, though. Finding Kasey in that random empty storage closet of the funeral home had taken him far too long. Kasey had always taken to hiding when he was emotionally overwhelmed. At their junior prom, he’d been so nervous to dance with his date, Sydney Tremblay, even though they went just as friends, that he’d hid in the coat closet at the venue until Alex went and got him. Sydney ended up hiding out behind the building and making out with a girl named Amelia, anyways, but that wasn’t the point. The point was Alex would go looking for Kasey anywhere and everywhere, no matter how long it took to find him. Especially at his father’s wake. 

What he hadn’t expected though, when he had gone looking for Kasey that fateful day, was for Kasey to grab him by the face and kiss him so hard he almost fell over.

Alex closed his eyes briefly against the memory. When he opened them again, Kasey was looking at him knowingly, his mouth turned down at the corners.

“Kase…”

“No.” Kasey shook his head. His voice was shaky. “Al, no, please.”

“Kasey.” Alex sat up and leaned to hover over him. “Kasey, I just- I just want to make sure you’re alright-”

“I’m fine.”

“Like hell you are.” Alex took a deep breath at the hurt that crossed Kasey’s face and tried to calm himself. “Kasey Winter, you are my best friend, I know when you’re not okay. You dropped out of college, and you love school, and you smoke weed and drink all the fucking time-”

“Alex.”

“-and tonight you’ve been taking big sips of whiskey, like, really big, and I know it’s not because you want to get drunk and have fun-”

“Alex.”

“-it’s because you’re sad, Kase, and I can’t do anything-”

“Alex!”

Kasey had taken Alex’s face in his hands now and Alex almost stopped breathing. For the first time since his father’s funeral, Kasey had tears in his eyes, and his bottom lip was trembling. He looked so tragically beautiful under the stars. Alex felt glued to his spot on the truck bed.

Kasey took a trembling breath and brushed his thumbs under Alex’s eyes. “Al, I…” His gaze dropped briefly to Alex’s mouth. “Alex, I can’t.”

“You can, Kasey, I- I feel so lost if I can’t help you.”

“I know,” Kasey whispered. His eyes were darting over Alex’s face now. “I know, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Alex, I am.” Then suddenly, as though dragged from the depths of his being, Kasey began to cry. “I’m so sorry.”

“Sh, no, Kase.” Alex took Kasey tightly in his arms, tucking his face down into his neck and running gentle fingers through his long hair. “Sh, no, Kasey, don’t be sorry. Don’t be sorry, baby-”

He felt Kasey suck in a breath when he did. Alex noticed that his fingers were trembling where they were resting in Kasey’s hair. He squeezed his eyes shut. Shit.

For a few moments, they were silent and still, just breathing together. Then, slowly, Kasey pulled back. Alex’s hands fell to his shoulders, his thumbs resting just behind Kasey’s jaw, where he could feel his racing pulse. Kasey licked his lips, then took Alex’s face in his hands once again.

“I know it hurts you. That I can’t talk about it.”

Alex shook his head hard. “Kase, it doesn’t matter if it hurts me-”

“Yes it does.” Kasey’s face was pinched. “Yes it does, it does matter that I hurt you, because you’re- you’re my…” He groaned through his teeth frustratedly. “Alex.”

“What?” Alex asked. He covered Kasey’s hands with his own. “What, Kasey, what do you need? Anything, Kasey, please-”

He was interrupted by a kiss. It was quick, almost nervous, so at odds with the kisses they had shared in the store room. Kasey pulled back immediately. He was terrified and so small, his tall body hunched and framed by the rear window of the pickup. He looked at Alex pleadingly. “Al.”

Alex wasted no time in taking Kasey’s face in his own hands, now, and leaning in. He kept his eyes open, gazing into Kasey’s, until the last possible moment. Then he made sure to kiss Kasey slowly and gently like he deserved. Alex’s body vibrated with the sensation. He felt Kasey shaking, too, attempting to turn the kiss hard and rough. But Alex kept him there, cradling the heart he cared most about in the world in a way it had never been held before, with long draws of their lips. The kiss was salty with both of their tears, and the freezing air was hitting harder now, but it was the best kiss Alex had ever had. He’d never been in love with anyone he’d ever kissed before.

Suddenly, Kasey pulled back. His face was pale. “Fuck.”

Oh, Alex did not like the sound of that. “Kase,” he implored.

“Oh my God.” Kasey covered his mouth with his hands as more tears fell. “Oh my God, no, Alex-”

“I’m sorry,” Alex said hurriedly. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have, I-”

“No, Al, I- we can’t.”

Alex believed in many things. In hard work, in the power of a hug. He believed that, the longer you knew someone, the easier it would be to find things to talk about. He believed that laughter was the best medicine, and that having a younger brother was the best thing that ever happened to him, and he definitely believed that he was in love with Kasey Winter.

He decidedly did not believe, then, that they couldn’t.

“No,” Alex said firmly. “No, uh-uh, Kase.”

“We can’t.”

“No, Kasey, we-”

“I can’t.” Kasey was looking at Alex so pleadingly, willing him to understand. “And it’s not- it’s not because I don’t love you-”

“I love you, too,” Alex interrupted simply. It was simple. He loved Kasey.

Kasey took a moment, bottom lip between his teeth. “Al, it’s because I don’t deserve you.”

Perhaps, for the first time in his life, Alex was lost for words. “What?”

“Alex,” Kasey began, reaching to take Alex’s hands in his own. “Alex, I’m a mess. I’m… I’m so fucked up, and you’re so incredible, and you deserve someone who is just as good as you.”

“To hell with you saying you aren’t good,” Alex implored. He leaned in to look Kasey in the eye. “And to hell with what you think I deserve. What I want is you. Kase…”

But Kasey was already shaking his head. “No, Alex.”

“Kase, please-”

“I said no.” 

There had only been a handful of times in his life when Alex had ever seen Kasey angry. And maybe he wasn’t even angry now, just irritated, but his face shook Alex to his core. This was not his Kasey. This was a boy, barely twenty-one, who was sad, and lost, and so, so beautiful he took Alex’s breath away. He had to try once more.

“Kasey, I love-”

“Take me home.” 

Kasey dropped Alex’s hands and grabbed the whiskey bottle instead, taking two big swigs. It was almost half gone, and Alex had not even had enough to make himself tipsy, which meant Kasey had been drinking more than his fare share. He winced as he watched Kasey finish his drink, wobbling a bit, even sitting down. Kasey locked eyes with him again, stony and firm.

“I need you to take me home, please, Alex.”

Alex simply nodded, eyeing the whiskey bottle still dangling from Kasey’s fingers. “Okay.”

***

They hadn’t talked since Alex had pulled off of the access road to the Tremblay farm. It was at least a twenty minute drive to the other side of town, where Kasey lived, on a good day, but it took longer in the dark because Alex had to slow down around all the blind corners as they wound through the hilly, forest-lined roads. The only sound was the radio, where Alex had put in an old Talking Heads CD. He and Kasey normally absentmindedly tapped along to the beat, Alex on the steering wheel and Kasey on his own thighs, but now they were silent and still. Kasey was slumped against the passenger door with his eyes closed. His face was flushed from drinking.

The blinker clicked as Alex turned onto the main road. He let out a sigh, looked at Kasey briefly, and gripped the steering wheel tightly between his hands.

“Kasey,” he said. “I’m not leaving you like this.”

Kasey didn’t even crack an eye open. “It’s not your choice.”

Alex bit his lip hard. Kasey had never talked to him like that. “Kasey, we should talk-”

“There is nothing to say.”

“Kase-”

“Stop saying my name like that!” Kasey was sitting upright now, eyes angry. His words were slurred. “Stop saying my fucking name like that, why the hell can’t you just leave me the fuck alone?”

“Hey!” Alex hated rising to the bait, but he was irritated now, too. “Hey, don’t talk to me like that.” He clicked his blinker on and slowed the car down. “I am pulling over and we are figuring this out-”

“No you are not.” Hands grabbed Alex’s steering wheel and swerved back onto the road. 

“What the hell? Get your hands off-”

“You are taking me home!”

“This is dangerous, let go-”

“Alex!”

Alex looked up from fighting with Kasey’s hands just as they crossed the road. The four deer froze, and so did Alex, a yell caught in his throat. The next thing Alex saw were headlights coming their way and the deer running. He felt the car swerve, Kasey jerking the wheel with another yell. The world went white, then black with a bang, an airbag smacking him across the face. The last thing he heard was Kasey pleading with him to wake up before his eyes drifted closed.

***

Christmas Eve, 2006

“Well, well, well, what have we here? An Alex O’Hara, cooking?”

Alex rolled his eyes at Natalie before turning back to the root vegetables he was cutting for Christmas dinner. “Oh, ha, ha, like you’re any better.”

“I don’t need to be better,” she said, walking up behind him and planting a kiss on his cheek. “I am a guest. I don’t have to do anything.”

Alex hummed, placing his knife down and turning to wrap his arms around Natalie’s waist. He kissed her firmly. “I love you.”

Her smile was everything. “I love you, too.”

“I’m so happy you came home with me for Christmas.”

“I am, too, baby.” Natalie stood on her toes to kiss him again. “Your brother is sweet. And so are his boys.”

Alex rolled his eyes hard. Finn’s partners, Logan and Leo, had also joined them for the holidays. “They are disgusting.”

Natalie flicked the side of his head. “I think they’re cute.” 

“You’re cute.”

“Well, I know that.” Natalie carded her fingers through Alex’s hair. She looked contemplative. “How’s Leo?”

“What do you mean, ‘how’s Leo’?”

“I mean… I don’t know, his parent’s flight got seriously delayed because of the snow here. Is he worried or anything?”

“I don’t think so,” Alex said, patting a rhythm on her hips. “They get in the day after Christmas, so they’ll still be here for New Years.” He thought for a minute, then laughed. “I think Leo’s more irritated about the cold.”

“He is a southern boy. Not that Tremblay, though, my goodness. Born and raised a lumberjack in the deep Canadian wilderness.”

Alex rolled his eyes. “No he was not.”

“Yeah huh, he was. Until they bought the farm.”

Alex narrowed his eyes. “Should I be concerned that you’re so obsessed with Finn’s boyfriends?”

“No,” Natalie laughed. “No, it’s just…” She shrugged. “I don’t know, it’s just nice, that we’re all so happy. That we’re all family. Your parents are so wonderful, inviting everyone and keeping their home open.”

Alex had a sudden flashback to Christmases in high school and warm brown eyes looking up at him from where Kasey had been asleep on his floor.

Thank you.

For what?

For letting me crash your family’s Christmas.

You are family, Kase.

“Baby?”

Alex blinked hard. “Hm?”

Natalie was looking at him with furrowed eyebrows. “You okay?”

He couldn’t help but smile and kissed her forehead. “I’m so good, gorgeous.”

But her eyes were knowing. “Kasey?”

Alex nodded and rubbed his thumb over the skin of her hip absentmindedly. “Yeah.”

“He didn’t respond?”

Alex shook his head. “No.”

Natalie knew all about his history with Kasey, and the accident. He’d broken down on her when he told her how in love he’d been, guilt tearing its way through him. But she’d sat there, beautiful and understanding, and suggested he invited Kasey for Christmas Eve, just like he’d done when they were younger. Alex was grateful to her in ways he simply could not put into words.

Now she was standing in front of him, the same understanding written across her face, and gorgeous beyond his wildest dreams. She stood on her toes to cup his face and kiss him slowly. “He’ll come, Alexander.”

Alex pressed their foreheads together and nodded. “I love you.”

He felt her smile into his neck. “I love you, too.”

Alex kissed her forehead and went back to chopping his vegetables. There were footsteps sounding from down the hallway, and then Noelle Tremblay and Thomas Walker appeared in the kitchen, both in matching cable knit sweaters and complimentary earrings.

“Joyeux Noelle!” Thomas said in excited, badly pronounced French, smacking a kiss on Noelle’s cheek. “It’s this girl’s special day!”

Noelle just rolled her eyes, blushing. “Ignore him.” She opened her arms to give each Natalie and Alex a hug. “Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas,” Alex said, squeezing her tightly. He clapped Thomas on the back. “How’ve you been?”

“Montreal’s sick, man,” Thomas said. “New job’s good, Noelle’s job is good, and my French is superb,”

Alex saw Noelle wince and bit back a snort. “Well, that’s good.”

“Sure is.” Thomas patted him on the back and began to head towards the living room. “Now, Leo asked me to beat Logan at cards, gotta knock him down a few pegs. So I bid you adieu.”

“C’mon,” Noelle said, tugging on Natalie’s sweater sleeve. “I brought some good wine, we can open it with Hayley.”

“Oh, yes.” Natalie kissed Alex’s cheek. “I’ll be in the living room, baby, okay? Come find me if you need help.”

“Have fun, Natalia.”

“That’s not my name.”

Alex winked at her as she left, then turned back to his vegetables. He was just putting them in a bowl to season and oil them when there was a knock at the door, and an I’ll get it! from Finn. He couldn’t see the front door from where he was, but Alex looked up anyway, brows furrowed. They weren’t expecting anyone else. Logan’s family was all here, and assuming Leo’s parents didn’t magically teleport from Louisiana, there wasn’t anybody else who was meant to be there. Unless…

“Al!” Finn’s voice was urgent. “C’mere!”

Alex blanched. He felt his heart rate pick up and his fingers dropped the knife he was holding. It clattered onto the cutting board, but Alex barely paid it any attention before he was walking quickly down the hallway. Everyone was crowded by the front door, and Finn and Logan were looking at him with wide eyes. Leo had his arm wrapped tightly around Finn’s waist, eyes darting between all of them, putting the puzzle pieces together. Natalie and Sydney, one of Logan’s other sisters, were whispering to one another in hushed voices, and Sydney put her arm around Natalie’s shoulders to give her a hug. Alex swallowed and looked at the center of the crowd, where he could see his mother tearfully embracing someone a head taller than her. Alex’s stomach dropped when she stepped away to reveal warm brown eyes looking at him.

Kasey Winter hadn’t changed much since Alex had last seen him. His hair was a bit shorter, coming down just below his chin. He looked broader, like he’d been working out, and there were less circles under his eyes. But he held himself in the same sheepish way he always had, maybe even more so when he met Alex’s gaze and gave him a small, awkward smile. 

“Hey, Al.”

Alex looked at him for a moment, taking Kasey in, before he felt like he’d been shocked back to life. He closed the distance between them quickly and threw his arms around Kasey’s neck, tugging him down into a fierce hug. Kasey responded in kind, gripping Alex around the waist and ducking down to press his face into his shoulder. Alex stumbled back with the weight of him, but held on tightly to regain his footing. 

“Hi,” Alex whispered shakily. His eyes stung. “Oh God, hi.” He released Kasey and stepped back to look at him, still gripping onto his biceps. “Look at you.”

Kasey’s cheeks flushed in that way they did when he was particularly sheepish. He looked around the room and they reddened further. He cleared his throat and dropped his hands from where they were holding onto Alex’s forearms, looking around the room cautiously. 

Alex shook his head, as though shaking himself awake. “Oh, right, you don’t know everybody. This is Leo-”

Alex was grateful for that sunshine smile. “Hi.”

“-Thomas-”

Thomas extended his hand for Kasey to shake firmly. “Pleasure, man.”

“-and Natalie.” Alex opened his arm to tuck Natalie into his side. “My Natalie.”

“Hi,” she said. Her arm was firm around Alex’s waist, holding him up. “It’s so nice to finally meet you.”

Kasey just smiled slightly and nodded. He looked Natalie up and down briefly. Alex knew what Kasey Winter looked like when he found someone attractive, and right now he was exposing all his tells: the way he bit the inside of his cheek, the way his eyelashes fluttered just slightly. It was how Alex knew Kasey had feelings for him all those years ago, when those beautiful eyes of his looked at Alex as though he was cradling him. And to see him look at Natalie the same way… Alex should have been jealous. Or annoyed. But Natalie was the most beautiful girl in the world, and Kasey was looking at her like he understood that. 

Alex didn’t realize his breathing had picked up until Natalie pressed a hand over his chest and rubbed gently. “Do you two wanna go talk?” she asked Alex softly, looking up at him through her eyelashes.

The most beautiful girl in the world. “Yeah.” Alex cleared his throat and looked at Kasey. “Yeah, Kase, you wanna…?”

Kasey nodded, still obviously uneasy. “Okay.”

“Cool.” 

Alex looked at Finn and he nodded, pressing his hands to Leo’s waist to guide him out of the room and to the kitchen, everyone following suit. Alex’s mother gave his bicep a squeeze. Noelle stayed behind briefly, her and Natalie communicating something silently, before nodding and following Thomas. Then it was just the three of them left.

“Um,” Alex started nervously. Natalie was still looking at him, eyebrows furrowed, and Alex was going to fall apart. “Kase, you remember where my room is?”

“Yeah, yeah, of course.” Kasey stumbled through taking his boots off and looked at them with wide eyes. He was jittery. “Should I meet you?”

“Yeah, I’ll just be a minute.” Alex let his eyes follow Kasey out of the room and around the corner to the staircase. When he’d reached the first landing, Alex turned back to Natalie. His voice was choked when he spoke. “Nat…”

“Sh, baby.” Natalie wrapped her arms firmly around his neck and tugged him down to her. “Oh, baby, I got you.”

“I don’t… he’s…”

“I know.” She cupped his face and pressed their foreheads together. He felt her thumbs swipe under his eyes to wipe the wetness away. “It’s okay.”

“I love you,” Alex whispered desperately. He met her eyes; he needed her to understand. “I love you, I love you so much, Natalie, I…”

“Sh, I know. I know.” She kissed him softly. “I love you, too.”

“Will you tell Finn and my mom that I’m okay? Please, they’ll be…”

“Of course, of course.” She pressed her lips softly to his cheek. “You can do this.”

Alex couldn’t help it. He kissed her firmly again. “I love you.”

“I love you.”

Alex took a deep breath and squeezed her hands. She slipped away and through the doorway to the kitchen, where Noelle was immediately waiting to wrap an arm around her shoulders. She asked Natalie something briefly before retreating further into the room, long hair swinging behind them both.

Alex watched until she completely disappeared, then took a deep breath before going to climb up the staircase to the second floor of his parent’s house. His childhood bedroom was at the end of the hall, right across from Finn’s. He smiled at the drawings they’d done of each other one afternoon, taped right at eye level. In his, Finn had drawn the two of them playing hockey at the pond behind their house. Alex studied it for a minute before taking a deep breath and knocking on the door, which was ajar an inch.

“Kase?”

“Yeah.”

Alex opened the door fully and closed it behind him. Kasey was standing by his desk, hands in his pockets, and though he had to resist the urge to touch things. Alex's eyes flashed to the photo of the two of them sitting around a campfire the summer after their senior year of high school. Kasey must have been looking at it.

Sure enough, Kasey jerked his head. “I didn’t know you still had that.”

“Of course,” Alex said. He sat down on the edge of his bed, back straight. “It was a good summer.”

Kasey let out a huff of a laugh. “God, working at the diner was…”

“Yeah.” Alex smiled. “Customers loved us.”

“You maybe. You’re just so…” Kasey waved his hand. “You know. Everybody loves you.”

Alex cocked his head. “They loved you, too.” 

“Maybe.” Kasey took a deep breath. “I got your message. Thanks for inviting me.”

“I wasn’t sure.” Alex’s heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest. “I didn’t know if you were with your mom, or…”

Kasey shook his head. “I’m not. I mean, I wasn’t. I just moved back from Colorado. She’s… you know. Lonely. And needs her knees replaced, so she’s not very mobile right now.”

“So you’re here to help her.”

Kasey looked him up and down. “There were more reasons to move back.” He sighed. “She gave me your message, and I thought… you know, I hadn’t seen you in a while.”

That was the understatement of the year. Alex tried to control his face from revealing too much. He was probably failing. “Colorado?”

“Yeah. I worked at a ski mountain for a year, then took up a carpentry internship. I left Vermont after… you know.”

The accident. “Oh.” Alex patted the space next to him. “Well, I’m happy to see you.”

“Me, too.” Kasey gingerly sat down. “Finn looks the same.”

That made Alex laugh. “He’s still just as annoying as he was, too.”

Kasey’s smile was wide and real. “You love him.”

“I do.” Alex had to stop himself from playing with his cuticles. If Natalie were here, she would take his hands and kiss them. “He’s got two boyfriends now.”

Kasey looked surprised. “Really?”

“Yeah. Lo and him finally figured their shit out… well, mostly ‘cause of Leo. Who they’re also dating. They met him at UVM.”

“Wow.” Kasey thought for a moment. “I didn’t think they’d ever…”

“Me neither.” Alex smiled fondly. “They were so stupid. But Leo’s so good to them, and helped them so much with it all. His parents are coming in a couple of days.”

“That’s nice.” Kasey trailed off, looking out Alex’s bedroom window. He stood to get a better look at the view. “You can see the Tremblay’s farm from here. Without all the leaves on the trees.”

Alex knew where this was going. His heart picked up again. “Kasey…”

When Kasey turned around, his eyes were rimmed with tears. “Al.”

“Hey.” Alex stood and pulled Kasey to him, wrapping his arms around his shoulders firmly. “It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not, I’m so sorry-”

“You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“I do.” Kasey pulled back strongly, backed up against the window. “Alex, I crashed your car.”

“There were deer.”

“I kissed you.”

“And I kissed you back.”

“I killed those people.”

“No.” 

The word came out harsher than Alex had intended it to. His mind flashed to being in the hospital, a concussion and broken ribs, and the police there asking questions. His mother had been crying, Finn had been talking with an officer, and Kasey was nowhere to be found. Alex had asked for him for days, and all Finn had had to say was that he wasn’t answering the phone, nor the door when he had gone to try and talk. Alex had felt like his heart had broken in two. Learning that the passengers in the car had run right into a buck and had died instantly had only added to the pain. And hearing Kasey say that it was his fault…

“No,” Alex repeated. He gripped Kasey firmly behind the head. “Kasey Winter, you listen to me. You did not kill those people. They were going too fast on a windy road and hit two deer, one with large antlers, and they died. It wasn’t you.”

“But I was swerving all around the road from the passenger seat-”

“And if you hadn’t swerved when you saw that fawn and that doe, I would be dead.” Alex couldn’t help it, he ran a hand through Kasey’s hair. “Kase.”

Kasey had his eyes shut, probably against the memories. “I just… I’m so sorry.”

“I know.” 

“No, Al,” Kasey insisted. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was so drunk that day, I’m sorry I took the wheel, I’m sorry I left.”

Alex felt the cracks running through his heart deepen. His grip on Kasey was still strong. “Kasey…”

“I’m sorry I kissed you.” 

Kasey’s eyes were pleading as they looked into Alex’s. Alex swallowed. 

“I’m not,” he whispered shakily. “I’m sorry I tried to get you to talk when you didn’t want to, I’m sorry I didn’t look harder for you-” When Kasey went to speak, Alex squeezed the back of his neck. “-but I’m not sorry you kissed me.”

Kasey finally relaxed, as though relief had washed over him. He wrapped his arms around Alex again, not as tightly as before, but still just as strong. “I missed you.”

“I missed you so much.” Alex breathed out shakily. “So much.”

Kasey lingered for a moment before pulling back entirely, his arms now crossed in front of him. Leaning against Alex’s bedroom window like that, smiling in that Kasey way of his, with his rugged plaid, jeans, and jacket on, he looked like something out of twenty year old Alex’s dreams. “So,” Kasey said. “Natalie.”

Alex flushed with warmth and rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah. Nat, she’s… she’s great. The best, I just- I really love her.”

“Good.” Kasey nodded a few times. He was smiling, but Alex knew him better than anyone, and the corners of his eyes were strained. “I’d like to get to know her then.”

Alex didn’t really know why, but he suddenly wished Natalie was there, pressed in between them. Kasey would love her, Alex just knew it. Natalie already loved him just from the stories she’d heard about him. That insistent thought pressed on the back of his brain, and his mind suddenly went to Finn. To Finn and Logan and Leo, and he didn’t know what was happening, but Alex knew it was important. He cupped the feeling to his chest and held it closely.

“Yeah,” he said, fighting the urge to reach out and cup Kasey’s jaw. He just looked so soft. “Yeah, I think you’ll really like her.”

October 2002

“Kasey, open up!” Finn pounded on the Winter’s front door again. “Kasey!”

“Kasey!” Logan yelled, peering through a window of the small home. “Open the door!”

Finn grunted and banged his fist on the door once more. “Fuck.”

“He’s not going to answer,” Logan said, walking up the front steps to stand beside Finn on the wooden porch. 

“He’s home.”

“Finn…”

“Why won’t he answer?” Finn turned and sat frustratedly down on the top step. “He’s such a-”

“Finn.”

“Sorry.”

“Non, c’est bien.” Logan sat beside him, their shoulders and thighs touching. “It’s okay.”

“It’s just…” Finn sighed, running a hand through his hair. “He’s Alex’s best friend. And Alex is hurt, and he’s just not…”

“Kasey’s hurt, too,” Logan pointed out. 

“I know, but- how can he not be there?” Finn turned to Logan, who was looking at him almost sadly, those soft green eyes of his starkly contrasting to the orange leaves on the trees around them. “I’d never leave you like that.”

“Je sais,” Logan whispered. “I know.”

Finn suddenly realized how close they were sitting. Logan’s body radiated heat and Finn leaned ever so slightly into it. He tapped the toes of their boots together. “You’re a good friend, Lo.”

Logan’s answering smile was everything. “You are, too.”

September 2004

Finn flopped down beside Logan on the grass with a groan. “Fuck me.”

Logan laughed and put his notebook down. “What happened?”

“Professor Branston, who I’m TAing for, just gave me twenty essays to help grade by Monday.”

Logan’s eyebrows furrowed. “But it’s the third week of classes?”

“And he’d already given them an assignment!” Finn let out another groan and rested his forearm across his forehead. He looked up at Logan, who was watching him with amused eyes. “How was French club?”

“Good, ouais.” Logan shrugged. “The same people, mostly. There are a few new freshmen. One is also from Rimouski.”

“Oh, sick. Anyone from anywhere else cool?”

Logan had to think for a minute, but then he clucked his tongue. “Ah, ouais, there is someone from New Orleans. Leo.” Logan made a face. “He speaks weird French.”

“He’d probably say the same about you.”

Logan scoffed. “Non, I speak the best French.”

Finn snorted. “Oui, oui, Canada!” he exclaimed in a poor imitation of Logan’s accent. “We are za best! Quebec forever!”

“Va te faire,” Logan grumbled, giving him a shove. “I do not speak like that.”

“Mm, a little bit you do.” Finn rolled over onto his stomach and folded his arms underneath his chin. “Your accent here sounds like it did when you first moved to Vermont junior year of high school, now that you have more Canadian friends.”

“Non, it doesn’t,” Logan insisted, but he was blushing. 

“I like it,” Finn said simply. “Hey, there’s a guy in Branston's class named Leo. Cool name, like the constellation. I started grading his essay today, he’s pretty good.”

“Ouais?” Logan asked. If Finn didn’t know any better, he would have said Logan was jealous. 

Finn grinned. “Oo-ways.” He nudged Logan’s shoulder. “C’mon, let’s go to the dining hall, I’m starving.” 

***

April 2003

“Non, non, non!” 

Logan’s voice carried through the hallway from the common room. He was laughing, and someone was saying something back to him in French. Finn’s ears perked up from where he was coming back from changing after club hockey practice. Logan had finished showering before him, for once, and had gone to the common room to work on something for his French club. Maybe he’d run into someone from there. They were both still laughing and Finn's curiosity piqued. He rounded the corner and stopped in his tracks. “Leo?”

Leo, who’d been smiling at Logan from where they were both sitting on the couch, looked up suddenly, eyebrows furrowing slightly. “Finn?”

“I- hi.” Finn gestured between Leo and Logan. “Wait, you’re…”

Leo looked amused. “Logan and I are in French club together.”

A light bulb went off in Finn’s head. “Oh, you’re Leo from French club!”

Leo’s cheeks and button nose flushed. “Leo from French club?”

“Yeah, Lo talks about you all the time!”

A look of mischief washed over Leo’s face and he looked at Logan, who was blushing. “Oh does he now? All good things?”

Logan made a face at him and smacked his shoulder lightly. “Finn is being silly.”

“No I’m not-”

Logan sent him a glare and Finn had to hold back a snort. “How do you two know each other?”

“I took Branston’s class last semester,” Leo said. “And I am in Lamond’s class this semester, which Finn is also TAing, obviously.”

Logan’s eyes lit up. “You’re the Leo? The one with the incredible writing?”

Finn’s eyes widened. It was Logan’s turn to be teasing, apparently.

Leo, on the other hand, looked very sheepish. “I mean, no, I’m not that-”

“Yeah you are,” Finn interrupted. If he and Logan were going to attempt to embarrass each other, Finn might as well be honest. “You are a good writer. And apparently you speak strange French.”

Leo snorted and nudged Logan’s foot. “Don’t worry, this one tells me that all the time.”

Finn grinned and sat down on Leo’s other side on the couch. They were both looking at him, their bodies turned to face him fully, and it did something funny to Finn’s chest. “I’m sure he does.”

November, 2003

“You’re coming to Thanksgiving.”

Leo looked up from where he was doing his philosophy homework, blue eyes blinking slowly. “Excuse me.”

“I said, you’re coming to Thanksgiving. O’Hara Thanksgiving.” Finn splayed his hands out on the library table. “You aren’t going to New Orleans, and campus is quiet because everybody else leaves. So, you’re coming to Thanksgiving. In Vermont. With me. My mother insists.” 

Logan snorted from beside Leo, doing what looked like his biology homework. “You can’t say no to Hayley, she won’t allow it.” Logan set his pencil down and looked up at Leo through long eyelashes. “I’ll be there, too. I’m going to my parent’s.”

Leo’s eyebrows raised in surprise. “You’re not going to Rimouski?”

“My grandparents are coming down this year.”

“The Tremblays are also coming to my house,” Finn said. He pointed a finger at Leo. “Al has his Subaru here on campus, so he’s driving. Pack your stuff, Knut, and we’re hitting the road.”

Leo laughed. “Not for two more weeks!”

“Well, it takes me that long to pack.”

Leo just rolled his eyes playfully and turned back to his homework.

August 2004

“Senior year,” Alex said from Finn’s doorway. “Shit, where’d all that go, huh?”

“Says the man with his big fancy job.”

Alex rolled his eyes. “I work in bird of prey conservation.”

“With your girlfriend,” Finn replied playfully. “Natalie’s cool, I like her. She shares mom’s passion for tea.”

Alex shushed him, looking carefully over his shoulder. “Quiet, they might hear you and come running with a steaming mug.”

“They can’t hear us, they’re in the kitchen.” Finn looked at his unzipped, but full, suitcase. “I think that’s everything set for tomorrow.”

“You driving you and Lo tomorrow?”

“Yeah. We’re meeting Le at the bus station here, too, he’s got an early flight from New Orleans into Boston, then taking the bus here, then we are all making the trip up.”

“He’s flying with all his stuff?”

“No, Lo stored some of it over the summer for him.”

“Mm,” Alex hummed. He cocked his head. “You think Leo’s gonna be okay after you and Logan graduate in the spring?”

Finn snorted. “Leo? Yeah, he’ll be fine. We’re not his only friends, by far, just like he’s not ours. He’s just… we’re…” Finn shrugged. “I don’t know.”

Alex looked confused, but he didn’t say anything, just nodded. Finn didn’t quite know how to express what Logan and Leo were to him. He’d loved Logan differently than any of his other friends since high school, and still did. Their college friends couldn’t quite match the two of them; in fact, for a while, Finn didn’t think anybody could. But then Leo Knut, in all of his tall, tanned, golden glory had walked into their lives their sophomore year and blown Finn off course. Not that he had been on course to begin with, but those same feelings he’d had for Logan for years he now also associated with Leo, and he didn’t quite know what to do with that.

Finn realized that he’d spaced out and shook out of his reverie, then laughed awkwardly. “Sorry.”

“All good.” Alex was looking at him curiously still. “Hey, is Logan still dating that girl?”

“Cassie?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh, no.” Finn shook his head with a frown. “No, they’re not. Nothing bad, they just- I don’t know, weren’t meant to date.” He let out an amused breath. “Plus, we’re pretty sure her and our friend Percy are, like, meant to be, actually. So, you know- her and Lo, not gonna work.”

“And you don’t have… you know, you don’t have anyone to bring home?”

Finn furrowed his eyebrows. “What’s with the questions?”

Alex shook his head. “Nothing, nothing, I just… I don’t know, bringing Nat home, it’s just… you’ve never…”

Finn swallowed. “There’s never been anyone to bring home,” he said. His voice sounded shaky, even to his own ears. He snorted self-deprecatingly. “Hey, that’s not true, I bring Leo for Thanksgiving.”

Alex simply looked at him. He was silent for a moment before putting a hand on Finn’s shoulder. “Hey.”

Finn felt his heart race. “Hi.”

“Finn.” Alex took a deep breath. “You can talk to me about stuff, you know? Okay? Even though I’m not at college with you anymore.”

“I know.” In his mind’s eye, Leo and Logan’s faces flashed before Finn, the words on the tip of his tongue. But he stifled them and patted Alex’s shoulder back. “I know, I promise.”

“Okay.” Alex nodded towards his suitcase. “You got enough flannel shirts?”

Finn rolled his eyes and shoved him. “Shut up.”

“What? C’mon, English major, you gotta fit in with the crowd up there in Burly.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

November, 2004

“I can’t believe this is our last Thanksgiving all together in college,” Leo said, getting under the blanket next to Logan on one of the couches in the O’Hara’s den. “It’s the end of an era.”

“Non,” Logan insisted. He reached for some popcorn in the bowl Leo was holding. “Non, you’ll still be invited.”

“It’s Finn’s house, I think he gets a say in that.”

“Yeah!” Finn called from the other couch. “It’s my house.” He stuck his tongue out playfully at Leo. “And you’re always trouble, Knut, so count yourself lucky if you’re invited back.”

Leo stuck his tongue out back before turning to the hockey game on the TV. He popped a piece of popcorn into his mouth. “I can’t believe the O’Haras are a Rangers family living in Bruins territory.”

“Hey, my parents are from New York.” Finn pointed a finger at Logan. “And at least we’re not Canadiens fans.”

Logan rolled his eyes. “Va te faire. I am proud to be from Quebec.”

“Yeah we noticed,” Leo said drily, then giggled with rosy cheeks when Logan glared at him. He said something to Logan in French, who responded with a mockingly biting tone, and they smiled at each other before shifting their focus back to the game.

Finn took a minute to look at their side profiles. Logan was all sharp lines- which really concealed a rather mushy inside, but he would never let anyone think that- whereas Leo’s features were soft. His blonde curls were longer now, almost as long as Logan’s dark waves, and the contrasting elements between the two of them caused Finn to take a sharp breath and turn back to the game. 

***

An hour and forty-five minutes later, and the Rangers were entering the Thanksgiving holiday with a clean 2-0 win against the Montreal Canadiens. Logan had started the game passionately yelling at the television, but his eyes had gone droopy at the start of the third period. Leo had shared an exasperated look with Finn as they witnessed Logan wind down. He’d eventually slouched against the couch, head dozing back on the cushion, but had wiggled so his head was now resting on Leo’s stomach. Leo, to his credit, hadn’t moved a muscle, just smiled fondly when Logan let out a soft snore. 

“He awake?” Finn whispered.

Leo shook his head. His hand was splayed across Logan’s upper back- Finn didn’t think he even knew he had placed it there. “No, out like a light.”

“Oh shit.” Finn laughed quietly. He stood, wrapping the blanket he’d been using around his shoulders, and went to kneel on the ground beside the other couch. “He’s such a baby when you wake him up from a nap.”

Leo looked up at Finn and smiled. “You remember that time in Louisiana? When you came to visit for spring break and he fell asleep on my boat?”

Finn remembered it clear as day. Logan and Leo had looked gorgeous in the golden hour, Leo with a rod in his hand, strong arm flexing as he fished over the side of the boat, and Logan spread out on his stomach on the bench at the front of the boat, passed out cold. Finn had wanted in that moment so vividly he’d had to grip the book between his fingers so tightly his nail made a mark in the back cover.

“I do remember,” he said to Leo, fighting the urge to brush some of those curls back from his forehead. “He was a grumpy boy.”

“It’s just a front,” Leo said. He smiled down at Logan. “Inside he’s just a big ol’ softy.”

“Mm.” Finn flickered his eyes over Leo’s face. “I meant what I said earlier, you know. You’ll still be invited here for Thanksgiving next year.”

Leo’s grin was delighted when he directed it at Finn. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. I mean, you’re…” Finn felt his cheeks flush. “Well, my mom loves you, for one. And Logan’s sisters. And Al, and Nat, who loves to bake with you, and my dad likes playing cards with you and Lo, so just… I don’t know, you should come back next year.” Finn took a deep breath and met Leo’s eyes. “I want you to come back next year.” 

Logan began to stir, maybe from the sound of their voices. His legs stretched from underneath the blanket and his cheek was squished into Leo’s sweatshirt when he blinked sleepily up at them. “Quoi?”

“Hey, sleepyhead,” Leo whispered with a smile. “Sweet dreams?”

Logan grunted and stretched again, reminding Finn of a dog being awoken from its slumber. “Ouais. Did we win?”

“If by we, you mean the Rangers,” Finn said. “Then yeah, we did.”

Logan groaned into Leo’s stomach. “Non.”

“Ouais,” Leo laughed. He rested a hand on the back of Logan’s head, fingertips carding lightly through the strands. “The Habs lost.”

Logan huffed grumpily once, then looked up at Leo with big eyes. “Désole, Le, I’m sorry for falling asleep on you.”

“It’s alright,” Leo said with a sweet shrug. He was so cute Finn was going to combust. “You’re warm.”

Logan looked pleased. He settled back down and turned his beautiful eyes to Finn. “Leo is coming for Thanksgiving next year?”

“What, were you eavesdropping?” Finn joked, then rested his elbow on the cushion near Leo to prop his head up. “And yeah, he is. Of course he is.”

“I think,” Logan mumbled, closing his eyes sleepily and snuggling into Leo. “I think we should spend Thanksgiving together forever.”

Finn felt his heartbeat stop for a moment. By the catch in Leo’s breath, he was just as surprised. They looked at each other, then at Logan, who was staring up at them nervously. 

“What…” Leo asked breathily. “That’s… that’s a long time.”

“Mhm,” Logan hummed. His eyes darted between their faces for a second, then he shifted to straddle Leo’s thighs, pinning them beneath his gaze. “Do you not want to?”

Leo’s breathing was shaky. He raised trembling arms to cup around Logan’s waist, and Logan let him. “I do,” Leo whispered, so softly that Finn would have missed it if he wasn’t listening. He turned to look at Finn. “What do you say?”

Finn looked between the two of them warily. He was standing on a precipice, that he knew, their friendship at stake as much as his heart that was beating wildly in his chest. Fear coursed through him for a moment, but then he looked at Leo’s hands, firm around Logan’s waist, and how Logan had laced his fingers over the backs of Leo’s tenderly. Leo was leaning closer now, his breathing almost in Finn’s ear, and Logan’s eyes were sure, steady, holding Finn together like they always did. Finn settled into the warmth and looked at each of them carefully.