#userkatt

i think you left an ache in me that refuses to go away. it’s there even after all this time. i cradle it close to my chest and shower it with the leftover love i have for you which doesn’t look like it will ever run out. i wish we could go back in time and start over. i wish we stayed just friends. i wish i didn’t know the feel of your hand in mine or how an unfamiliar warmth would seep into my bones when you smiled at me. i was never cold when i was with you. you were like the sun and i was icarus; foolish and naive and heads over heels. i wish i could rewrite it. i wish things didn’t turn out like this. we were stupid kids. stupid and reckless but i wouldn’t trade any of those moments we shared because nothing else can compare. believe me, i’ve tried. i’ve been trying ever since i met you to fall in love with someone else so the inevitable won’t hurt. yet, it did. it still does. no matter what i do the ache never dulls. it stays there and taunts me. i wish we never met. that our paths never crossed. that we remained strangers. that none of those things that culminated in me kissing you happened. because then it would be okay. it wouldn’t hurt this much. if i hadn’t met you i wouldn’t have craved the softness that i chase now. you joke about me loving tenderness, but dearest, i never did before i stumbled upon you. i try to replicate your touch and i fail. it hurts all over. you understand the pain in a way no one did and yet there was no pity. i miss that. i wish we could go back to what we used to be, but i don’t think that’s possible and i’m learning to make peace with it.

i don't think i'm mourning what we are, but what we could have been. i have seen your kindness--the tenderness that oozes out of the cracks in your facade--and i crave it. i wish it was still mine, like how i wish you were still mine. there are no wounds on my body, but it hurts everywhere. heartbreak is perhaps the most painful wound, is it not? i sit and try to fix it, fill up the cracks with cement, but your sweetness still leeches through. i build a house for my heart and i board it up. i am lonely. i want you to come hold me. i want you to crawl into bed with me and tell me i'm safe. that the ones who hurt me can't get me. that all the hurt inside me doesn't make me any less deserving of love. right now, it's you who i'm hiding from. but you know my ins and outs and all the secret passages that i don't know myself. how do you heal when the one who took away your pain ends up hurting you the most? 

I play this song again and again. Your voice rings out in my room and for a second it feels like you're there with me. I still my beating heart so I don’t have to listen to what it wants to say. I miss you, it croaks out. It reeks of puppy love and I drag my hands through its coat to untangle the knots. My throat hurts and there’s a lump that I have to swallow around. Words fail me when it comes to you. You seem so magical and I find myself whispering are-you-real way too many times. I find comfort in repetition. I want to find comfort in you, but it feels impossible. This song and my aching heart. I put on a facade to talk to you. A mesmerizing creature; nymph-like and nympho-like. It soothes the tension between us. My flaws stay hidden behind a fog and I sing-song my way into your heart. How long can I keep this up, I find myself asking. How long till my heart grows tired of playing a role I don't want to play. I imagine me falling in love with someone else and how easy it’d be to not hurt all the time. How easy, to not beg for affection. This song feels like a curse at times. I talk to you today, in hushed tones and a smile threatening to coat my words like honey. Your voice makes me want to write poetry. Your voice makes me want to kiss you till the pain eases. Your voice, ethereal and I can picture myself falling for you again. My progress discarded in a little pile by my bedside next to tear stained tissues. I smile in the dark of my room, and the puppy love skitters close to me, all tangled up again, but I refrain from touching it. The song stops playing.