#upsidedowninsideout

Watching the glances and painful stopping.

I think God is waiting, waiting

Waiting for me or you to become worth saving.

I think He is dying, dying

Forced observer of habitual lying

I think He sees black and blue

I think He sees me and you.

Watching through the soul of me,

He'd see green eyes and litany

Self-aimed bullets to blow off my head

I've seen God and God is dead.

So if a God is watching,

Watching still I do

If a God is watching it's me and my only muse

Sometimes that's the best part

Hearing howling sounds in whirlwind clouds and splitting my sternum to make a cave in my chest

It's not that I don't care,

It's that I know it isn't real.

Try telling frozen bodies to move in dawning sun

You won't get anywhere, the same way I'm stuck

Hitting the same wall again and the same floor again

Punching at the jaw again

All for something to matter

And it never did

I say, but really I'm trying not to lose this image of us before the storm

I'm trying to hold my breath so you won't hear me shaking.

I may have just slaughtered you

Torn you down, ripped you open from your navel

How can I be ready to see you dead?

But I'm prepared,

I pray, but really I don't believe in God. Or anything higher.

I don't believe you will love me either.

I may have lost myself

Broken my hands, mutilated what remains of me

I cannot be ready to cut off my head

But I'm here

And if that's all that matters anymore I'll leave

Because the meaning in presence and absence is never the same.

So maybe learn to love me from a distance

Or let me go

Never hold me the same way again

The choice I leave to you.

But don't be afraid. It's yours to make.

And whatever you prefer,

If you choose to forget me for the rest of your life or restart my blackened heart

I'm prepared

Well, yesterday. It's tomorrow morning and I can't sleep.

Want to give myself a nosebleed

Watch it all pour out and think, 'I blinked first years ago'.

When I took all that pain

And walked to the house from the end of the street.

I think of the raised fist sometimes.

The coldness, and the threat of, ' If you ever say that again,

I swear to god I'll punch you in your face'

I remember how the front door looked. And the eyes too.

Just remember waiting for the key to turn so I could hide inside.

It feels like that now someday

Like I'm just waiting for the world to move

For something to shift.

So, I guess, yesterday when I stood on that wall

It made sense why I thought about jumping

Losing my balance with the turn of my head

Blinking out at whiteboard clouds

laying in my bed, feeling seconds slip by my skin

it's weird, because

there was a time where I would have told you anything.

Now I see the way you adopt monotony when I tell you the way I'm afraid

because maybe you think I'm lucky, or maybe

you see this as a cry for sympathy, attention.

it's strange, because

the only way to prove the hurt is to spill my blood or die in it.

I begin to think about it. It doesn't seem as bad as it did nights ago,

when I knew I still had a chance of sleeping.

But now all I do is lay awake.

I am waiting to die, to dream, to be proven right.

And every recognition is one you should have made when I told you to,

you seem surprised I have nightmares.

I'm not sure they ever found her body.

Twisting, turning, falling, lurching in a certain kind of darkness you can only feel

They said she died quickly-a second or two-but when I looked in her eyes I saw

Her life. Her childhood, her friends, everything

I saw a long, long story

And I knew she'd read it all

I think I was the only person who knew that.

Pieces lost everywhere, the kinds you can't replace

The wound grew to a chasm

Nobody knew how to fix it

What's worse, no-one even noticed.

Then it happened.

I can imagine the shatter of bones and tearing of skin but nothing is closure enough

I would look even if it were carnage

Even if it broke my soul

But I just look at you now

The empty casket in the ground

And I say that it feels like so long has passed

Just like that, keep going

Keep moving

Upon your hands and knees, scraped and stabbed with shards of glass

I think you're off the road

There's a puddle of blood by the shattered door

No, don't look, just keep crawling

You'll make it but you have to keep your head down

That's good, like that, keep that rhythm

Slow, achy, begging for an end

Yet still you move.

Hey, come on, don't stop

You didn't fly that far

The car's a mess but you're a maniac

You don't have far to fall anymore

You're on the asphalt now, good

Rolled over, belly up and so, so vulnerable

Between the yellow lines.

Stay still and stay there

Wait for a freight to run you over