#unreadletters

In some instance, choosing what will make us happy isn't necessary.

Some choices are painful.

Some are tough.

This letter was sent to this lady with the intention for her to read it. She never did, because she hates reading things she doesn't want to believe. She then called the other person involved - Nova, her ex that she cheated on after 6 years - just to gloat about her new boyfriend. I have lots to say on this but I shall leave the letter untouched. Lots I have not said but can't think about saying right now. But after finding out about her reaction to him? I have a few words.

Fuck you, you coward.

~!~

To Katie.

It's almost the end of the year and I'd rather not finish this year with things left unsaid or on a cliffhanger. I'm saying what I need to say here and whether you want to read it or not is completely up to you. I'm trying. It's useless clapping if you only have one hand, though.

The lie about when I asked Yosh to lie to you. When I said that it wasn't Nova that called. Admittedly, that was my fault and a stupid, stupid thing to do. It won't make sense to try to convince you now but, honestly, that was the only lie I have ever told you. Honestly. And I told that just to make sure you didn't break - but that ended up backfiring anyway. I'm sorry for that but, honestly, when I Iook back on it? Wouldn't it have been better if I said it was Nova? I mean, honestly, I could've come up with better lies than that. I could've said it was a family member. Another friend. Why Yosh came into my head is odd. But what would've happened if I did say it was Nova? Huh. I actually do not see the point in lying about that, apart from trying to keep you in the dark about him calling me but, really, there wasn't a point in that. How stupid. So I'm sorry about that, really. One question that I will never get an answer for, though: have you ever lied to me? Maybe cheated me about something? Maybe you cant remember. Maybe it's something tiny - as miniscule as this kinda was, compared to other lies in my lifetime.

Me and you. We barely talked. I don't know why. We were pretty okay but, looking back on the messages, they were either about Chris or Nova. Which is upsetting. You know what? When I confessed that I self-harmed and needed help, you didn't really care. That was January 1st. New Years. I confided in you about my self-harming. You didn't reply til November and that's when you started talking about Nova. What we had wasn't really a friendship, was it? We did have that time where we touched together and that was barely, right? 'Cause that made you uncomfortable. [ Another note for me to go back to this later. ] And who was that kinda for? You fucking guessed it. I actually told you once, and I quote (5/11/14) "Let's talk soon, alright? Nothing about Nova, nothing about stress. Let's just talk things out about stuff and become friends again, okay? 'Cause I missed you, I did, and I worry about you sometimes and I really enjoy your company." BUT NOPE. Nothing. Nova. Nova. Nova. The world doesn't fucking revolve around him or you. Really. And I'm not sure if I liked the friendship but I liked you - purely platonic here - as a person... until all this shit started where I had to start doubting everything. And I'm sorry we had to end a friendship like this.

You and Nova. Fucking yes, we're going there. Well, since we're never going to talk about it ever again, I'd just like to say that you're not very nice. In the lightest of terms. You aren't, especially when it came to post-Nova-Katie. I don't know lots about your whole relationship with him and I am in no position to say anything, to be honest. All I know is that you guys were happy and, in 2013, you said you were gonna meet him. That's all I know. Next time I heard from you, it was about Nova. Fuck, my messages from 2011 from you? All about Nova. And then 2013 when I started to talk to Nova and the huge fucking thing happened that I was brought into. Fair enough, as a friend, I cared for Nova and I heard him out. I heard you out, too, and I listened to everyone's sides. Almost. I was skeptical about everything. You're really desperate when it came to him, always. Everything was about him and that, to be fucking honest, it was a abit much. It was cute until it went overboard. Every single picture, every single post. I heard about the things you made Nova do to confirm that he was Nova.

Fucking hell, you can't hog a person. You don't own their lives, Katie. You either fucking trust the person you're dating or you don't. Don't fucking date them. If you're going to fucking go on and on about it then you sure as hell better not get into a relationship. Honest to God. Have a checklist if it makes you fucking happy. I'll get back to you being "happy" later. You can't break up with one person and go to someone and then go back to them. That's not how it works unless you and your significant other has decided that it's okay. It's not okay otherwise! If you're uncomfortable with the way he talks to you and, after you've said it, he still treats you the same, then get the fuck out of the relationship that makes you uncomfortable and upset because, clearly, that's not the right relationship for you.

He spent 6 years with you, more or less. His whole fucking teenage life. He could've gone out and fucked girls. He could've gone out drinking. He could've gotten gold on all his games. Instead, he spent time with you. He spent hours on call with you or talking to you. He sent you pictures and you sent him some - I just assume, because of the message I sent to you on behalf of him a year ago. If that's not enough for you to trust him, despite everything, then you gotta get away, then. I told you this some time ago, too. You hurt him lots, Katie, during that time. I'm writing this after 26/12/14, when you were drunk with friends and pulled a dick move on him. That was fucking low. Below the belt. I don't care if you were drunk or whatever - you fucking know your limits and, really, when you're drunk? That's as real as you will ever get. And you know how so many people know things about him that I don’t even know but he trusted you with? He could easily expose you. He’s a smart boy. He could hurt you if he wanted. And when this thing happened last night? I asked him, “Nova, do you want to do it? Hurt her?” and, in his anger, in his disappointment, in the hurt, he said the most heartbreaking words ever. “I can’t. I can’t do this to her.” At one point, when this all started, he said something along the lines of being able to do anything to you because of the pictures he had… He kept the pictures because it “reminded him of how beautiful” you are. Something like that. I can’t remember the actual words, but it’s there somewhere and I CBF to look. Either way, dick move. Sorry.

You. You're very difficult to forget. I mean, it's not in any way romantic. I cared about you lots, Katie. I still do. Ask Nova, but I don’t know if he’s done with everything like Chris was with me but… he would know. I’d ask “How’s Katie?” “Is she okay?” even after you removed me. I don’t know how many times you did that but whatever. Anyway, this is about you. I write this because this might be the last few words I ever say to you and I’d rather start my 2015 fresh. I’m done with all of this. I know you’ve been through some shit in your lifetime and no one deserves that, I know, and I’m sorry that you do have to go through all of that. I really am. It sucks. But I know you’re stronger than that. You can take all the fucking hurt and get through it. You won’t fucking believe me here, I know. And here’s the thing : You rely so much on one person. It’s true. When Nova left and whoeverthefuckheis did whateverthefuckhedid and you couldn’t do anything, you went back to him and he gladly took you back as a friend. You can’t do that, Katie. You can’t rely on people to make you happy. If they make you happy, that’s fucking brilliant! Amazing! Spectacu-fucking-lar. But don’t rely 100% or you’re gonna be fucked up the ass with a rake without lube. This life is shitty and it won’t always be good. Take it this way : it’s a mountain range. You’re gonna hit rock bottom before you go back up and, as you ascent that mountain, it’s gonna take forever and you’re gonna wanna give up. But you shouldn’t because you’d reach the top and it’d be amazing and everything’s great. However, there’s always a “down” to that mountain. It’s going to slope downwards. Think about it – basic physics – if you go down a mountain, it’s faster than going up. It goes down really quickly and, then, you’re at rock bottom again. But that’s the beauty of a mountain range : it goes on. You can go up another mountain and it might be higher than it was and harder than it was to reach the peak but, once you do, everything will be amazing – even more so – than the last peak you were at. Don’t give up, Katie, because you are destined for great things and I believe that you can make it through everything you want to. It takes time. Take time to enjoy your life, Katie, and take care of your body. It’s the only one you’ll ever get. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are. There’s no “short-cut” in life, Katie. It’s a dangerous world out there. Be grateful for the little things that happen. I’m not saying that you’re not going to go through more shit in life : you are. It’s inevitable. Life isn’t about the destination but, instead, how you get there. Cliché, but whatever. Think before you complain. Time is the one thing you can never get back. Attitude, attitude, attitude. Don’t worry so much – life is pretty short to do that. Take care of yourself. You are worth everything in the world. Don’t let anyone get you down. You get to choose your friends so do that. Choose the people you want in your life and, if you can’t, choose what you can do without having them interrupt. If they make you upset, why stay? Be careful. Why am I saying all of these? Because I might never get the chance to anymore.

Thank you for the great few years we had. It’s been a roller-coaster but you’ve taught me lots and you’ve introduced me to some amazing people that, I think, will never leave my heart, ever. Like you.

So thank you.

Take care, sunshine.

Clairysse.