#clairysseblogs

I never took my family to be one that wasn’t okay. When I was younger, we used to spend time together. The only times we were scolded was when we were arguing or when we didn’t do well in exams. That was rarely. Maybe once in two, three weeks.

It hasn’t been going so well.

I guess it started when my elder brother got out of school. He wasn’t the smartest person and he was easily influenced. He barely got into a college and was driving my mum’s car everyday. He used to be a good kid. Obedient, or at least listened and obeyed most of the time. But then he started hanging out with people in that college. He was going out every night and I wouldn’t see him for days on end. I felt like I didn’t have a brother. The only times he was at home, he was in his room. When I woke up for school, he would be in his room sleeping. When I was going to bed, he’d still be out God knows where. My parents were mad at him. He was spending lots of money and got into loads of trouble. He was either never out of his room or never home. He was either quiet or mad. We feared his anger because it was something we never had to deal with and it was so ... different. We didn’t need to deal with this before, y’know? He got into fights, accidents. Tyres were stabbed, he’d come home with bruises. He started smoking. Drugs. There was never a time when my parents were happy with him, or that I’ve witnessed anymore. THey were always shouting at each other.

My little brother started hanging out with the wrong bunch too. My cousin influenced him first. He made him more rude, more selfish. Said cousin would bully him if he chickened out and would ignore him if he did something wrong. My little brother feared whenever my cousin got mad. Once, he was crying and I asked him why and he told me “I’m scared that [the cousin] is mad at me.” His grades was not that good, odd, seeing as he is a very witty boy. His classmates - the people he hung out with, at least - were rude and prejudiced. He developed their slang and swear words, doing what was “cool” which was never good. My brother started talking back and lying. He’s barely 11.

And then there’s me. The real problems I’ve ever had was my self-harming. A quiet battle. I wasn’t the type to go out alot. I sat at home and read, or talked to people online. It’s been that was since I was 11. I liked it at home and I tried to be as obedient as I can. NOw, at my age, my classmates go out often and whenever - if ever - I’m invited, I give an excuse. I’m afraid of going out. I hate if I had to do something inconvenient. I started breaking down in high school. Eating problems. It’s a story I’ve told, I think.

My dad had anxiety. He had insomnia. Something happened, and these all came back. He was up all night worrying - I suppose that’s why I’m very aware of lots of things. I’d try to help. He was always mad, always stressed, always upset. I didn’t know what to do. I felt helpless. 

My mum was quiet. She never worried and told us about it. She usually confided in me, or her sister. But I could tell something was wrong. She stopped arguing. She went along. I heard the way she was talked to and it made me upset.

I even suspected the two for cheating on each other at some point. I don’t know whether it’s true or not but... whatever.

But everyday’s the same for the past two years. Pretend everything’s okay. Everyone argues a lot. Lots of screaming. Lots of stress and tense atmospheres. I want it to stop. 

I just want everyone happy.

Given that, y'know, I started in the middle of the week and I had to skip a whole period to go a dental appointment... and then there were loads of free periods... But it was pretty interesting.

I was the kid that no one was interested in back in high school. I was the freak and the bookworm. People knew me from kindy or from primary school or from early junior high. News from said history was passed onto the people that came to my school. When you grow up with these people, you don't notice if they become pretty or whatever. It's a pretty normal thing for you to see a childhood friend as pretty "eh."

So this was my first week of A levels where I didn't even know 10% of the 60+ people in my year. I was surrounded by people from Lithuania, Saudi Arabia, Bangladesh, South Korea and, of course, people from my own city. Surprisingly, lots of them were pretty open minded.

Quick reminder that I was the kid that was weird because I had online friends and was fat and was really supportive of things that were frowned upon like LGBT. 

So when I was surrounded by people that were okay with my oddness and my jibes, I was surprised. I found myself at ease with the people and I realised that I could talk to them and introduce myself and stuff. What a change.

I met so many people with different interests but, nontheless, people I could connect to just the same. I made friends and was even invited to a party. I haven't been to a party in years. I haven't been able to call someone a friend in years, even. 

It's only been the first week, and I don't wanna seem vain, but I've been getting lots of compliments from people telling me that I'm pretty. Of course, since high school, I ditched my uniform and my hair being in a ponytail all the time and my glasses. People even thought I wasn't local, which was odd. Some dude even told my classmates that he liked me.

They say that online relationships – including friendships – are utter bullshit. That it’s dangerous. That these people are just looking out for people to scam and cheat out of their money or business or some other thing. That they’re just there to find out things about you just so they can use it against you.

At least, that’s how things used to be said.

I’m kinda proud to say that this mindset has been changed over the years.

Nowadays, you see people openly admitting to the fact that they have dated people online or that they’ve befriended someone through some social network. Friendster, Myspace, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr. Hell, from all that, we have even met people through those mobile apps such as Instagram or Kik or Vine. I don't know about you, but when I go out, I see little babies bashing away at iPads and Samsung Galaxy Tabs. I see 7 year olds watching Korean dramas on their parents' phone. I see teenagers glued to their phones, eventhough surrounded by family and friends. I see a table where the baby is left to look around them at their environment while their mum surfs Facebook and their dad plays Candy Crush. We'll talk about that - the impact of the technology on the current generation - some other time.

For now, let's just think about it.

The internet is available almost everywhere and can be used anytime. Want to know whose going to the next meeting? Facebook event. Your dad getting a surgery and you don't know what it's about? Wikipedia. Class assignment? Google. Angry at someone and want to rant? Blogger. Micro-blogging? Twitter. Pretty pictures? Tumblr. It's all there. 

Now, without a doubt, after all that, tell me you haven't gone onto Omegle, or ChatRoulette, or TeenChat at least once. That you haven't met a friend you don't know face to face. That you haven't spilled something about yourself to someone you don't know.

If you haven't, then you're an interesting one.

Me? If you personally know me and go through my Facebook friends' list, you'll see a whole bunch of what we could coin "white" names, among the typical "Malaysian" names like Lee and Wong and Muhammad. Harrison. Watts. Kagan. McCall. Locke de Houston. Ironside. Mitchell. Martinez. Tienen. 

Do I talk to them? 

Yes. Do I know them personally? 

No.

Do I know some of their faces? Yeah, I've Skyped them a few times.

Am I closer to them than I am my real life friends? 

Believe it or not, yes, I am.

Wow, badass. Woah. Woah woah.

No, not at all, actually.

My friends are all over the globe. Minnesota, USA. Melbourne, Australia. Singapore, Singapore. Jakarta, Indonesia. London, UK. Brazil. Tasmania, Australia.

Sure, I don't know them face to face but did you know that makes it even better? They don't judge me. They don't spread rumours. I don't need to worry about what they think because if they really are on the other side of the world, why the hell would I matter? I'm just one person. It gets out? It's as easy and deleting and blocking someone, and acting as if they never existed.

I've told them secrets, and they've told me theirs. Some came out of the closet to me. Some told me about their insecurities. Some even told me their phone numbers. 

I do have their numbers and, trust me, it's the real deal.

Now, I know there will be some questions. Let me do the two frequently asked ones.

  1. How do you know if they're actually who they say they are? If they're a boy and a girl?

  It's a long shot, but through Skype and photos of their everyday life. If things do get suspicious, then you should know that I'm already having my own suspicions on said person.

2. Isn't it stupid to trust someone on the internet?

  Of course it is but, once again, sometimes it's the honest truth. 

Let me tell you my story.

When I was 10, I was reading this very good fanfic and I complimented the author(who, then, I found out was an authoress.) She replied back and we got talking through the Private Messaging feature on fanfiction.net, mostly talking about stories and shippings. This went on for some time.

After a few months, she linked me to a website she was always on called TeenChat. TeenChat is a online chat site, where you talk to strangers. Recently they reformatted, though, so I don't know how it all works again. But this was then :

There are different rooms. First, it's the two main categories which are the Hangout Rooms and the Local Room. The Local Room is where you talk to people in your own country, or at least the country you said you were in (though the website immediately detects which country you're from from your IP address.) The other is the Hangout Rooms. Now, this is where most of the fun happens. These Hangout rooms are further split into 10 categories namely :

Hangouts

Ethnic Chat

Sub Culture

Games Chat

Sports Chat

Music Chat

Relationships Chat

Roleplay chats

Miscellaneous 

Cyber Chat

Ethnic was split into, y'know, ethnics. In Sub Culture, you had the Emo Chats, Goth Chat, Stoners etc. Games, sports and music were split into their own kind of categories. Relationships chat were usually people asking for help like the "Singles" club or the Dating, Heart brokened, Blind dates, Pregnancy and LGBT chats. Roleplay was a bit more interesting. Needless to say they had the coolest names such as the River of Time, Forest of Infinity and Celestial Sky Continent. The Misc and Cyber chat were everything else.

But the Hangouts were the most popular ones, where the Singles Chat was always full of somewhat desperate people. Me? I was also at one of those hangouts.

Anime Chat.

At that time, I was a huge Anime junkie. I stayed up til 2, 3 am (WHICH WAS LATE FOR A 10 YEAR OLD) watching Anime. Asked me a question about Naruto and I'll answer it in a snap. Looking for a new one? I'm your girl.

So I went in, purely out of curiousity.

And that's where it all started.

I met some people and, then, I only knew them by their usernames.

And that was enough.

There were a whole lot of people, but it would probably take a long time to try and recall all their names(It WAS about 6 years ago) and I'd have to go through my MSN chat list.

I used to stay up all night talking to all these people (who were mostly awake when I was asleep and asleep when I was awake, since they were mostly from America) mostly about nothing. No, I mean it. We had small talk about the world and the things in it.

Then the "Facebook" generation came up.

We exchanged names on Anime Chat, TeenChat and, well, if you went onto the old Teenchat now a days and you see people actively chatting there, it's the "new generation" or Anime Chatters. The first generation of Anime Chatters who are still considered as we used to be a tight pack, consists of

Daisy ( who ruled the chatroom and was, practically, the one that held us all together.)

Sam (Kit)

Lori 

Josmar (Josmy)

Michael T (or Toto, or Tito) (Known as Kakeru)

Chris (Morisondo)

John (Aeoles) (The oldest among us all, at 25)

Breaux (Dragon)

Jordan (Sei)

Jason (Key)

James (Scottish)

Chas (Storm)

Katie (Katie Rose)

Makayla (Mickey)

Naomi 

Tom B (Sir Muffin)

Justin (Justy)

Tom C (Kaleb)

Cody 

Nova

EmmersLynn

Donna (Panda)

Revolver

Ichi

Starmy

There's more, of course, but most of them were the show up then disappear type. But, yeah, there you go. As the years go by, people grow up. That's normal. One's getting ready to go to college. Another is in her final year of school. I was the baby of the group, and I'm in my last two years of school. One's working for Apple. One's in jail. We stop talking. We forget their actual names and remember only their usernames and their face or maybe their voice. Those in italic are those that have, really, delved into their reality and have started to ignore the rest of us. Understandable.

Yeah.

Amazing thing, time. As I type this, I actually looked up everything and updated the group we had for this bunch of peeps and, now, I'm chatting to Mickey and James. Lovely. I missed them, I do. 

OH! While we're on this, I might as well just put it out there : Donna and Ichi on the list met each other after 3 months of talking on the website. Now, they're married, have a stable income and, yes, it all started from TeenChat.

It's just amazing, sometimes, having people all over the world as your friend.

After that phase, I went on to a group called Seme/Uke Nation, which is something I was very much involved in. There I met Alex, Reen, Nate, Gio, Mido(who is pregnant!), Paul, Zidane and Brandon. Another very nice (if not, very sexual and perverted) bunch and I love them all to biots.

Y'know how there's the baby boom and all that? Well, I had a friend boom. What led me to them? Harry Potter. Yep. I'm the proud head-admin of a Harry Potter page called My Patronus Would Be Awesome. My fellow admins are Diego, Chris(from TeenChat and....more on him later), Tegan, Dylan(who was a fan at first, then a friend and then I made him admin), Caitee(who is engaged!), Rhythm, Jay, Kristopher, Robert, Celeste and Remus. This page was my baby, and Kristopher had saved it from being hacked, and with the support of the fans of the page, cum friends. I've added fans and that has led to some people adding me, all through the love of Harry Potter. I've befriended some really popular Potterheads(You'll understand, if you were in the fandom) like the Van Tienen twins and their friends Mickey J and Brandon. I've also added the not-so popular Potterheads like Eris and Shreya. 

That lead to Twitter, where I met my friends Jess, Lin and Blair. There are the other 3, who do not feel comfortable with their names being said, so I will keep that quiet. Along the way, I met some more friends like the bunch on Skype (through Eric who I knew through Brandon from the Seme/Uke Nation) Will, Chase, Joseph, Zac and Nick who are, so far, the most normal bunch of online friends I have. .... If not for their obsession with guns and games.

But they're alright.

Point is, I've met some friends and I've lost some online friends. Some I saw grow up, some I've seen lost their battle to cancer ( While I'm here, R.I.P Chiyo. I love you.) Some I help with their problems and some who are just there when you need then. Some I've just met and some that I can't help but love.

And back to love, huh? It happens. Yes, through the internet, without seeing the person in real life, or even being in the same time zone. It happens. It's not bullshit. You can fall for someone, just by the way they talk and the way they carry themselves on Skype. Panda and Ichi are the perfect example of that.

Now, don't get me wrong. Of course there's dangerous people out there. There ARE people out there that do make you believe that they are who they seem to be but do want to cheat you. YES that happens. Yes, it is a risk. Yes, stranger danger is a thing. Yes, there are people that are gonna lie to you and try to seduce you. There will be people that find out your information then use it against you, strangers that will take your information and, at the chance, pounce on you. That's why kidnapping happens. That's why people are cheated out of thousands of money. That's why people are used as drug mules.YES, ONLINE RELATIONSHIPS CAN BE DANGEROUS. That's the thing about online friends : No matter what, you STILL have to be careful. It either leads to a fall, rumours, kidnapping or even, at worst, death,  or it leads to some amazing friendships or relationships or, hell, maybe even a marriage that lasts a life time. Be careful out there.

This letter was sent to this lady with the intention for her to read it. She never did, because she hates reading things she doesn't want to believe. She then called the other person involved - Nova, her ex that she cheated on after 6 years - just to gloat about her new boyfriend. I have lots to say on this but I shall leave the letter untouched. Lots I have not said but can't think about saying right now. But after finding out about her reaction to him? I have a few words.

Fuck you, you coward.

~!~

To Katie.

It's almost the end of the year and I'd rather not finish this year with things left unsaid or on a cliffhanger. I'm saying what I need to say here and whether you want to read it or not is completely up to you. I'm trying. It's useless clapping if you only have one hand, though.

The lie about when I asked Yosh to lie to you. When I said that it wasn't Nova that called. Admittedly, that was my fault and a stupid, stupid thing to do. It won't make sense to try to convince you now but, honestly, that was the only lie I have ever told you. Honestly. And I told that just to make sure you didn't break - but that ended up backfiring anyway. I'm sorry for that but, honestly, when I Iook back on it? Wouldn't it have been better if I said it was Nova? I mean, honestly, I could've come up with better lies than that. I could've said it was a family member. Another friend. Why Yosh came into my head is odd. But what would've happened if I did say it was Nova? Huh. I actually do not see the point in lying about that, apart from trying to keep you in the dark about him calling me but, really, there wasn't a point in that. How stupid. So I'm sorry about that, really. One question that I will never get an answer for, though: have you ever lied to me? Maybe cheated me about something? Maybe you cant remember. Maybe it's something tiny - as miniscule as this kinda was, compared to other lies in my lifetime.

Me and you. We barely talked. I don't know why. We were pretty okay but, looking back on the messages, they were either about Chris or Nova. Which is upsetting. You know what? When I confessed that I self-harmed and needed help, you didn't really care. That was January 1st. New Years. I confided in you about my self-harming. You didn't reply til November and that's when you started talking about Nova. What we had wasn't really a friendship, was it? We did have that time where we touched together and that was barely, right? 'Cause that made you uncomfortable. [ Another note for me to go back to this later. ] And who was that kinda for? You fucking guessed it. I actually told you once, and I quote (5/11/14) "Let's talk soon, alright? Nothing about Nova, nothing about stress. Let's just talk things out about stuff and become friends again, okay? 'Cause I missed you, I did, and I worry about you sometimes and I really enjoy your company." BUT NOPE. Nothing. Nova. Nova. Nova. The world doesn't fucking revolve around him or you. Really. And I'm not sure if I liked the friendship but I liked you - purely platonic here - as a person... until all this shit started where I had to start doubting everything. And I'm sorry we had to end a friendship like this.

You and Nova. Fucking yes, we're going there. Well, since we're never going to talk about it ever again, I'd just like to say that you're not very nice. In the lightest of terms. You aren't, especially when it came to post-Nova-Katie. I don't know lots about your whole relationship with him and I am in no position to say anything, to be honest. All I know is that you guys were happy and, in 2013, you said you were gonna meet him. That's all I know. Next time I heard from you, it was about Nova. Fuck, my messages from 2011 from you? All about Nova. And then 2013 when I started to talk to Nova and the huge fucking thing happened that I was brought into. Fair enough, as a friend, I cared for Nova and I heard him out. I heard you out, too, and I listened to everyone's sides. Almost. I was skeptical about everything. You're really desperate when it came to him, always. Everything was about him and that, to be fucking honest, it was a abit much. It was cute until it went overboard. Every single picture, every single post. I heard about the things you made Nova do to confirm that he was Nova.

Fucking hell, you can't hog a person. You don't own their lives, Katie. You either fucking trust the person you're dating or you don't. Don't fucking date them. If you're going to fucking go on and on about it then you sure as hell better not get into a relationship. Honest to God. Have a checklist if it makes you fucking happy. I'll get back to you being "happy" later. You can't break up with one person and go to someone and then go back to them. That's not how it works unless you and your significant other has decided that it's okay. It's not okay otherwise! If you're uncomfortable with the way he talks to you and, after you've said it, he still treats you the same, then get the fuck out of the relationship that makes you uncomfortable and upset because, clearly, that's not the right relationship for you.

He spent 6 years with you, more or less. His whole fucking teenage life. He could've gone out and fucked girls. He could've gone out drinking. He could've gotten gold on all his games. Instead, he spent time with you. He spent hours on call with you or talking to you. He sent you pictures and you sent him some - I just assume, because of the message I sent to you on behalf of him a year ago. If that's not enough for you to trust him, despite everything, then you gotta get away, then. I told you this some time ago, too. You hurt him lots, Katie, during that time. I'm writing this after 26/12/14, when you were drunk with friends and pulled a dick move on him. That was fucking low. Below the belt. I don't care if you were drunk or whatever - you fucking know your limits and, really, when you're drunk? That's as real as you will ever get. And you know how so many people know things about him that I don’t even know but he trusted you with? He could easily expose you. He’s a smart boy. He could hurt you if he wanted. And when this thing happened last night? I asked him, “Nova, do you want to do it? Hurt her?” and, in his anger, in his disappointment, in the hurt, he said the most heartbreaking words ever. “I can’t. I can’t do this to her.” At one point, when this all started, he said something along the lines of being able to do anything to you because of the pictures he had… He kept the pictures because it “reminded him of how beautiful” you are. Something like that. I can’t remember the actual words, but it’s there somewhere and I CBF to look. Either way, dick move. Sorry.

You. You're very difficult to forget. I mean, it's not in any way romantic. I cared about you lots, Katie. I still do. Ask Nova, but I don’t know if he’s done with everything like Chris was with me but… he would know. I’d ask “How’s Katie?” “Is she okay?” even after you removed me. I don’t know how many times you did that but whatever. Anyway, this is about you. I write this because this might be the last few words I ever say to you and I’d rather start my 2015 fresh. I’m done with all of this. I know you’ve been through some shit in your lifetime and no one deserves that, I know, and I’m sorry that you do have to go through all of that. I really am. It sucks. But I know you’re stronger than that. You can take all the fucking hurt and get through it. You won’t fucking believe me here, I know. And here’s the thing : You rely so much on one person. It’s true. When Nova left and whoeverthefuckheis did whateverthefuckhedid and you couldn’t do anything, you went back to him and he gladly took you back as a friend. You can’t do that, Katie. You can’t rely on people to make you happy. If they make you happy, that’s fucking brilliant! Amazing! Spectacu-fucking-lar. But don’t rely 100% or you’re gonna be fucked up the ass with a rake without lube. This life is shitty and it won’t always be good. Take it this way : it’s a mountain range. You’re gonna hit rock bottom before you go back up and, as you ascent that mountain, it’s gonna take forever and you’re gonna wanna give up. But you shouldn’t because you’d reach the top and it’d be amazing and everything’s great. However, there’s always a “down” to that mountain. It’s going to slope downwards. Think about it – basic physics – if you go down a mountain, it’s faster than going up. It goes down really quickly and, then, you’re at rock bottom again. But that’s the beauty of a mountain range : it goes on. You can go up another mountain and it might be higher than it was and harder than it was to reach the peak but, once you do, everything will be amazing – even more so – than the last peak you were at. Don’t give up, Katie, because you are destined for great things and I believe that you can make it through everything you want to. It takes time. Take time to enjoy your life, Katie, and take care of your body. It’s the only one you’ll ever get. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are. There’s no “short-cut” in life, Katie. It’s a dangerous world out there. Be grateful for the little things that happen. I’m not saying that you’re not going to go through more shit in life : you are. It’s inevitable. Life isn’t about the destination but, instead, how you get there. Cliché, but whatever. Think before you complain. Time is the one thing you can never get back. Attitude, attitude, attitude. Don’t worry so much – life is pretty short to do that. Take care of yourself. You are worth everything in the world. Don’t let anyone get you down. You get to choose your friends so do that. Choose the people you want in your life and, if you can’t, choose what you can do without having them interrupt. If they make you upset, why stay? Be careful. Why am I saying all of these? Because I might never get the chance to anymore.

Thank you for the great few years we had. It’s been a roller-coaster but you’ve taught me lots and you’ve introduced me to some amazing people that, I think, will never leave my heart, ever. Like you.

So thank you.

Take care, sunshine.

Clairysse.