What a bitter memory to come across. Words from my own self... warning me to not become attached to all of you because I’ve learned just how disposable friendship is. I had learned...or so I thought. I can’t stand how trusting I am. How naive and purposefully oblivious I am. How much love I always have to give. And, the burn in the end for my choice to be free spirited and forgiving. I can be sexually taken advantage of and a month later be ready to pick up from where the friendship left off. I can be stabbed in the back and still, a few months down the road, only remember the happy memories we shared, while my brain erases the evil. I can be given an incurable disease and still wonder what it would’ve been like had we still remained, in some manner, connected over the years. I have a brain that chooses to forget and not learn from the bad but instead always give fresh chances and love those who seem worthy, no matter how long or recent I have known them. Who am I to decide if someone is unworthy of my attention and compassion. Doesn’t everyone have kindness to give no matter where they come from? Isn’t it important to be the first one to prove I will give and therefore, it is safe to give back to me..?
I have to admit I always begin my connections with a level of skepticism. Skepticism that is melted too quickly by warmth and hope of a connection with others worth investing time into. You were all a new spark to me. I am the first to quote “people come and go”, but you were supposed to be different. The cliche phrase is so bitter in my head, hah, “you were supposed to be different”.
I can’t even express the hurt I go through on almost a daily basis. Songs that remind me of times we spent together, the likes and dislikes you each had, and the secrets that I treasured like gold. It almost felt like a family and I felt so lucky to not only have been welcomed into it, but to also have been very much a member of it. I gave my heart completely and made sure to show it in simple, yet very caring actions. I hadn’t done those things in such a long time for just friends. I can’t even begin to express the value I’d place on each and every one of you. I may have grown closer and formed stronger bonds with some of you over others but my love was never faulty.
I feel so weak when I go back through old photos and cry over new images posted to social media, knowing I am no longer privileged enough to know the stories behind each one. I feel so heartbroken and helpless over thoughts of guilt. If I could go back in time and change the way things played out, I would...over...and over...and over again. Replaying any of the moments I went wrong in hopes of never losing what I felt I had.
The other side to this weakness are minor rays of countering strength. What if I could redo my moments of poor choices and erase the things that made me unworthy of your friendship. Would there be something much later on that is unavoidable and would inevitably bring about this end anyway? Was I doomed from the moment I began to give chunks of my heart and trust out? Or even doomed from the moment I said “hello”? If this was a losing battle from the get-go I’m not sure how to feel. If I should appreciate the moments I had or wish I’d never had them at all.
I wanted nothing more than to feel that sense of loyalty and attachment you have developed amongst each other but forever will I be a lone wolf, moving from pack to pack, too notable to ignore and yet, not worthy enough for alliance in any fashion.