Unknown Identity

I'm sure it means more than I'm giving it credit, but credit is not what it's going to get from me. I'm going to continue on pretending it means absolutely nothing more than my usual thirst for "the inside scoop". It's just frustrating that your scoop is sprinkled with crystals of pure ecstasy and I have a weakness for that drug every time. I hear about you, see a new picture of you, hear a recording of your voice or full on video and it's game over. I'm stuck repeating the information over and over in my head. Holding pretend conversations with you. Envisioning how I would want to react vs how I most likely would actually react if I ran into you. Sometimes even wanting to put myself in settings that would increase my chances of possibly seeing you in the crowd. It messes with my head when you're not just a hidden thought I've learned to quiet and I'm back to silencing the excited little voices all over again.

I wanted nothing more than to feel that sense of loyalty and attachment you have developed amongst each other but forever will I be a lone wolf, moving from pack to pack, too notable to ignore and yet, not worthy enough for alliance in any fashion. 

I know what I did was hurtful and would have been a low blow to anyone with a heart. I abused the trust you gave me and walked with the guilt almost like a secret victory to a game you would never know had been played. Of course, secrets have a way of surfacing and I had claimed my victory too soon which is when everything began to crash down very slowly. My bubble of bliss didn't pop but instead has been shrinking unnoticed until today when I realized I’d been exerting extra effort to breathe. I reach my hands out in an attempt to gather the air closer to my face but only succeed in breaking the seal to my protective bubble. The last bit of hope I’d had for peaceful ties. Yes, what I did was painful, thoughtless and unfair...but what you've done has been malicious and vengeful. I never intended to hurt anyone’s feelings and while I was around I was true and genuine in my actions. I truly cared about the people I surrounded myself with. Somehow one impurity erases a reputation of friendship and love. Somehow my unforgivable act, that should have affected a mere handful of people, spread like wild fire and burned people who weren't even close to the flames. The only explanation can be with you taking a torch and spreading it all over. I am so hurt. I don’t need to write a pity letter for the world to acknowledge my tears are real. I don’t need the comfort of others to validate I am not “ok”. And I certainly don’t need the hands of others to reassure me things will get better. My hurt is my own and I will endure it until it passes. I’m just sad because this extra pain feels so unnecessary. So immature. I played you and you played me back with lies of peace. A true leader or captain would never take down his army with him but instead sacrifice himself for the good of others because that is what is sincere. No captain has to brag about how noble he is, it comes through in actions. The sad thing though, is once you've won over your followers, it is harder for them to acknowledge when you do wrong. I know now, you will continue to get your way because you have everyone eating out of the palm of your hand. Not a person I need in my life. 

A good plot taps into your core, making you place yourself into one or more of the characters shoes and wear them for the duration of the episode, season, chapter or book. It takes you away from your real life for minutes or hours and suddenly your world doesn’t exist. The best or worst moments of your present experiences are put on hold. Even better when the plot of such a story takes you down a spiral of others hardships and suddenly you’re crying and feeling the pain of your characters. Pain that if it were your own, you’d be battling against and fighting away the tears and hurt. Pain you’d be trying to move past as quickly as possible to get on to the next important task or the next positive emotion to neglect or erase the woes of your current state. It’s moments in an others story that you embrace the hurt and give your body permission to feel. And boy does it ever feel good. Rename the tears as getting lost in someone else’s plot but you’re helping your body as well by letting that guard down without qualms or guilt. It feels so free and rejuvenating. So pure and fresh. Healing in a distracted fashion, keeping this body still ever so human.

You’re a good person and good to me for the most part, mainly because your intentions are pure. I think this is why I have the hardest time seeing you are not the person I should be ending my life with. The disillusions of a successful marriage, kids and growing old together are hard to swallow. I finally thought I had found the one. Finally met my soul mate. The first person with success on his side and drive for more. A strong personality to match mine. Someone who pushed me harder to reach my goals. Someone who wasn’t scared of knocking out hard relationship obstacles, no matter the size. And somehow, none of that is enough to keep me strong in this battle. I’ve been weakened by little signs of neglect and in some areas with lack of understanding. I never would’ve thought your upbringing could make you so incredibly different from me and have the potential to make this foundation form cracks. The flood is coming and I have become a weak dam to all the pressure. I’m not sure how much longer I can hold on and battle against the increasing flow of angry, unsupportive and yet not completely wrong waters. Some of it I agree is true and that’s how these cracks have grown. I don’t want to let go, I actually do love you. I want more than anything for this to be my final relationship. This to be the one I’ve been grooming myself for. All relationships before were merely practice for you and you are my true love. That would be a fairytale though and this nonsense about dams and rivers and Romeo are the make up of my stupid rambles and incessant thoughts scattered all over the place killing me one day at a time.

Maybe I have the mildest case of bipolarism. I don’t say this to make fun of people who actually struggle with being bipolar but I don’t have a specific label to place on my hot and cold mood shifts between loving myself and hating myself. I truly believe I was meant to be alone forever because that would be the simplest path. The safest path. And the path that makes the most sense. I don’t trust myself to get married and “live happily ever after” because happiness is ever fleeting and I love far too much in the moment. And I’m not implying that by being a moment it is over quickly, but that by being a moment it doesn’t last forever. I can plan and envision my goals for everything major in my life except that. Can’t there be a fortune teller out there or a card that points me to my ONE. The person who was put on this earth for ME. I would do everything in my power to keep that and make it last, knowing that’s where my heart is meant to lie until my last day in this world.

I love multiple people at once. Each person in my life feeding a need that isn’t being met elsewhere. Someone who meets my social side. Someone who can hear my every secret. Someone who keeps me focused on my goals. Someone who just needs me. All things that elate my heart make me feel loving and loved. I get emotionally attached to what’s in front of me and forge forward with feelings without considering fully the consequences. I know my pattern and because of this I know not to trust myself. I’ve set rules for myself to avoid giving myself away too quickly. Rule No. 1: never speak to a friend on a daily basis, always keep it within the bounds of an “on again- off again” flow…most important rule. By following this one I am able to keep all my interactions just at arms length and no one gets hurt. Not me or the person I am speaking with. Rule No. 2: don’t get too comfortable… I’m very familiar with this pattern as well. I have a gift, or maybe it’s a curse, with making whoever I speak with very comfortable with me and just like a spider with a large web, I unintentionally catch the feelings of the fly that wandered in. Rule No. 3: don’t forget to keep your feelings always turned off… If the person I’m friends with can sense detachment then there’s no reason for dreams of hypothetical scenarios to ever take place. So simple. I see people all the time become close and never cross the invisible lines of boundaries. So why does it never work out that way for me. Even though nothing physical has taken place, I know I’m battling with the guilt of feeling like I’m emotionally swinging with others. Always playing with fire and tiptoeing as close to the lines as I can without crossing.

      It seems I have a pattern of always picking someone I feel would be great to spend the rest of my life with and yet, that isn’t so. Tears run down my cheeks ironically making it harder to see but in reality, I am seeing more clearly for the first time. The observations of others hit like a load of heavy bricks. Not because it is painful to hear but because they are the supporting layout for the house of worries I have been building on my own. Each brick has really been a sign I have set aside to use later and now I have a short wall to a four corner room. From here I have to decide if I want to continue building and find out whether or not the foundation holds true or can be broken down. I could easily take a hammer to the wall and end all of my brick laying but it isn’t an obvious decision. 

My main goal here is to always feel like your girlfriend since that’s the step we chose to take and with these issues I end up with doubts. Like we’re still purely in the stage of cautiously getting to know each other when we should have a lot of those fears eliminated by the commitment we’ve chosen. I really hope I’m not coming off as smothering, these feelings are foreign to me and I’m trying to be as rational as possible while still getting in touch with how I’m feeling.

I feel so secure with the person I am. I go out with my friends and I’m the person who “brings the party” to the group. I make others feel secure and laugh and open up. I exude so much energy that it’s contagious. Being this kind of person makes it’s hard for me to understand what’s wrong with me when it’s my turn to be the person lacking confidence. It’s such an unattractive feeling; questioning my worth. This feeling makes me want to simply curl into the shell I call my body and spend my time alone until I’m ready to come out. I bring this up a little out of context so, to make my situation a little clearer, I’ve been taking the time to get to know this person who I’m slowly discovering means more to me than I expected. With this realization has come my over “self-analyzes”. I’ve begun to question how much he really likes spending time with me. If he’s growing to like me as much as I like him or was that the direction he was headed in but he no longer finds me as fascinating as he thought I would be. Would he be honest with me if he felt he saw true potential for something more between us or if he felt this would be a waste of our time? I’ve given my heart so many times that I am now very cautious about where I let my guard down when it comes to becoming romantically involved with someone. I’m sure you reading this can say the same for yourself. It really only takes one person to make loving someone new difficult. I personally have given my heart out fully 4 times before (that’s a lot) and am not sure I can really handle any more heartache. I’ve become so numb and yet, I feel I could do it one more time for the right person. Getting back to my point of confidence, I know I have reeled him in with this quality of mine. It is just so natural for me to be this way and it makes others gravitate to me. Now that I have his attention and I know I’d like to progress on a deeper level, my confidence is slowly vanishing and I’m working hard to conceal this from him. Nobody wants to be with a person who is unsure of themselves and full of insecurities. I can finally empathize with people who I use to show no understanding to in regards to having insecurities. I’ve finally been damaged enough to where I doubt my worth and ability to hold someone down with so much going for them. Am I smart enough? Are my future goals at a high enough standard to where you can respect them? Is my body sexy enough? So many yucky questions. In case you haven’t gathered, this isn’t a feeling I’m use to in the least which is why I’ve lacked empathy. People who have dated me in the past have been the ones to question their worth; see that I truly did love them for who they were and their insecurities were all in their head. I would probably do better with some reassurance from this “fellow” but it’s not really at that point yet. We’re not dating or close to it. We’re still feeling each other out and, even though it’s only been 2-3months and we’ve created a surprisingly strong bond in almost no time, there is no commitment to the other. Being that there is no commitment could honestly be why I’m feeling so insecure. These feelings of attachment are coming upon me quickly (which also never happens to me) and I’m wanting a sense of “ownership”. For now, I’m going to “get a grip” and acknowledge that I need to slow down these thoughts and feelings and just ride the wave until I can see things a little clearer.