That letter to the unknown friend was heartbreaking because it reminded me of my own heartache, caused by probably a like-minded fellow who pretended to be a close friend to me, for a short while, and yet who benefited from my friendship tremendously. Words can't do justice to the harm he caused me: he basically used and dumped me as a friend, knowing fully well I had feelings for him. I did so much for him when we were friends, that it would not be a stretch to say I gave him the moon, but I was treated as less than dirt. Now, that he seems to be in distress, I ravish in it. Tell me, does it make me a cruel unfeeling person? I was awfully hurt and cannot forgive his betrayal, distancing himself from me for no reasons other than I was not worth his time when he no longer needed anything from me. I don't want to be a bitter and negative person, but I cannot hide my feelings of utter resentment and sheer disgust of such people. I will not let him use me again. But unlike you, it goes further than that with me: I wish for him to suffer for the rest of his life. My revenge is in the knowing that he will never be happy. Does that make me a rotten soul? I believe in ripping what one sows. He inflicted me with so much sadness, self doubt, loneliness, just nothingness. It should not be surprising I harbor hard feelings but I am disappointed in myself: I wish I could be less judgemental with the awful humans that plague this earth. It's not my place to fix the wicked. Just wanted to stop by and give you my sympathy and care from a total stranger. Sorry that you had a shitty friend - been there and it HURTS.
Firstly I truly appreciate the sympathy and care, as while writing it out did help express the pain I knew otherwise I'd spend days internalized and overthinking. I also realized I had to delete it because well it's hard sharing personal things that affect and feeling even more like a void for so few ever truly stop to say a kind word to another. I'm used to solitude and isolation nevertheless as a human being I do crave connection with other human beings. So thank you for your kindness and regards.
To answer your questions, being that I can understand your pain then I don't think you entirely heartless or a rotten soul. The fact that aside from wishing to distance yourself that you furthermore wish to seek revenge for the pain suffered does not make you cruel. How many individuals in history or film have been seen as heroic respectful individuals yet they sought their own justice and relished in those who wronged them feeling the same anguish.
I would say there are several such individuals, be they fictional or non fictional. It is a human characteristic to want justice upheld, some individuals value it more than others. There is a line between justice and revenge or vendetta However, much like the practice of law/lawyers may uphold justice under the articles of law yet it can be found lacking when examined by the common place individual for although there are precidets, loopholes are always found and corruption does exist.
Morality does not always alline with judicial process either hence why those who break the law and are guilty can be found otherwise in a court of law.
As you have mentioned you believe that he reaps what he sows, this ideology of working hard which will lead to reward or in this case the folly one's ways will bring about misfortune is an inherently taught in countless literature and fables are an excellent source of this.
What defines rotten, evil ? To some it is subjective to others it's clearly defined. I think I can safely say no you do not have rotten soul because you find yourself wishing this. To be rotten is to be devoid of all humanity, it would not feel pain, it would not care for questioning it's own character rather it would only seek it's own personal desires above all else.
The fact that you seek to be less judgemental is not a bad thing nor does it have to signify you stop harboring thoughts of him receiving karma for the hurt you felt from him. I think rather it is a way to wish to let go of those feelings, the disappointment in yourself, the loss of belief of goodwill of the human beings and I'm no expert so I apologize if this long winded reply offers no solace or pragmatic solutions.
I can only say that I've learned you can accept something while simultaneously acknowledging a difference of opinion and it is through this process one can find growth. You can acknowledge that you wish to be less judgemental and to find hope in humanity. While accepting that as you are now, those feelings are not to be ignored, you have a strong sense of self and justice this is to be praised.
You can work towards being less judgemental or rather finding which things to allow your mind to be judgemental on and the rest work on letting go as way to find some semblance of peace and happiness in every day life.
I'm not saying you have to forgive him, rather be gentle towards yourself, acknowledge the feelings you have and if you wish strive to be above your emotions, to not allow that which you cannot control cause you internal bitterness.
I feel like I'm becoming too preachy as I struggle with mastering self awareness, growth and have very many imperfections.
I'll leave with this final advice, study stoicism and other philosophies of psychology as you may find the theories presented helpful.
Also I personally found Newel of Knowledge on YouTube's philosophical insights to be interesting they are not of classic stoicism as rather focus on other aspects and take from other theories about life, struggles and inner self. I did find that it's useful to listen to enlightened individuals that can explain concepts in a very gentle manner so majority can grasp understanding to be helpful when one is trying to work out things about one's own self.
I hope this helps in some way, or is as comforting as freshly baked chocolate chip cookies with a glass of milk, that speak to familiarness, that you are not alone nor are you some version of devil hearted individual because of your inner thoughts.
Sincerely answered and wishing you all the best in the future.
