#unider

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“Unique is not afraid of anything.”

She stares at herself in her bedroom mirror and repeats the words one more time for good measure. They’re not true, of course they’re not true, no one is scared of nothing, and Unique least of all. The words are a relic left over from a past that sort of embarrasses her now, when she thought she could handle things by splitting herself in two, pleasing the people she loves with one half and pleasing herself with the other. She doesn’t think she’ll ever stop being bitter that pleasing herself wasn’t enough to please the people she loves.

Things are better now, more difficult in some ways but better for her soul. She’s not two people, she is one person. Not a new person, no, she’s the very same baby her mother and father held for the first time at Akron General 17 years ago. She’ll never let anyone convince her different again.

Unique is not afraid of anything.

But this thing with Ryder is scary. She’d never attempted to act on a crush before, never even considered it, and the whole thing had turned out to be so wonderful and so terrible at the same time, the thrill every time they talked tamped down by guilt every time she remembered that she was lying to him, stringing him along. He didn’t know the truth. He knew her, after a few months of talking, but he didn’t know what she looked like, and it didn’t matter that it shouldn’t matter, because it did. It mattered to everyone, especially high school boys, and she had known Ryder would probably recoil once he found out her true identity, but she’d kept at it anyway, continuing the ruse as long as she possibly could, allowing herself the tiniest bit of hope that it wouldn’t matter to him that she’s not the vision of female beauty most guys look for.

It’s been two months since Ryder learned the truth, and the hope Unique had let go of after his initial anger has bloomed again, bigger and brighter than before. It had taken a little while, but the two of them are friends again, even closer than they’d been before. They talk, they laugh, Ryder doesn’t back away from her touch and even initiates his own. The past few weeks in particular have been promising. More often than not, when she’d turned to sneak a look at him in Glee or at the lunch table, he was already looking in her direction. He’d drop his gaze almost immediately, but she never missed seeing the beginnings of his smile before she turned away, too. No one has ever liked her before, she’s pretty sure, so she has nothing to compare this to, but she feels it. He wants to ask her out.

But she’s been waiting for days, for months, really, for her whole life, and maybe she’s reading this wrong or he’s just not ready yet, but Unique is sick of waiting. It’s 2013, for God’s sake, and she is a strong, beautiful black woman who does not need to wait around for a guy to ask her out. She can ask him out herself, and she will. In glee today, Mr. Schuester had announced the theme for glee this week as they get close to Nationals is ‘hope.’ It seemed like a sign.

Unique is not afraid of anything.

He might say no. He will probably say no, but that’s okay. It’s not going to be worse than the months she spent with her insides twisted up by guilt, or that terrible moment in the hallway when she’d confessed. What’s a ‘no’ compared to all that? What’s the risk of a ‘no’ when there’s even the slightest chance it could be a yes? Remaining silent has never made Unique feel okay, has never gotten her the things she wants.

A few deep breaths, and then she nods at the mirror in affirmation and acceptance before picking up her phone. She opens up the text conversation she has going with Ryder and taps out a few words before backspacing and hitting the call icon instead. Texting is fine, but it’s not very brave, and the two of them don’t have the best history with it.

By the time Ryder answers the call on the fourth ring, Unique is feeling a little less bold. He sounds confused when he greets her, but not upset, and it makes sense - they’ve never talked on the phone. It would probably be easier for them to talk on the phone, where Ryder wouldn’t stress about spelling, and Unique can’t believe she’s never considered this before.

“Hello?” Ryder repeats after a few seconds. “Unique? Are you there? Did you butt dial me or something?”

She huffs out a laugh. “No, no, I’m here, sorry.” It’s still startling sometimes, how just hearing him say her name can make her feel. She is in so deep with this boy, it’s ridiculous.

“Oh, okay,” Ryder says. It sounds like he’s letting out a breath. “Hi.”

“Hi. I just wanted to ask you something.”

“Okay.”

The few seconds before Unique starts talking again feel like painful, silent hours, and she knows even before she says the first word that she’s not going to be able to do it.

“I… um, I was wondering…” She trails off, trying not to be too annoyed with herself. She called him, after all, and that’s an accomplish in its own. She can aim smaller tonight, and maybe she’ll be ready tomorrow or Wednesday or next month. “I was wondering if you wanted to work together on a song for glee this week,” she says eventually. “I know a lot of the others are pairing up. It’s a pretty vague theme, but at least we’ll have tons of songs to choose from.”

Ryder exhales again. “Yeah, that’s… we should do that. I haven’t come up with any ideas at all yet, so…”

“We could meet up tomorrow after school,” Unique suggests a grin spreads across her face. She didn’t ask him out, but she still got a yes. It feels like a good start. “Bring your laptop, we can go through our music libraries. Maybe do another mash-up?”

“Sounds good. Though I’m not sure if I even have any songs about hope.”

“We’ll figure it out,” Unique assures him.

“Hopefully,” adds Ryder.

Unique frowns. She knows he’s only talking about picking a song, but she doesn’t like hearing him so doubtful. “Definitely.”

“Hope-fully,” Ryder repeats, teasing. “I was trying to be on theme. Way to ruin my super hilarious joke, Unique.”

And she’s smiling again, just like that, because he said her name, because he’s such a dork, because someday soon she is going to ask him out and she’s at least 75% sure he’s going to say yes.

They don’t talk much longer, just finalize their plans for the next day and say goodbye, and Unique’s alone with her mirror again, thinking of the words she’d repeated while trying to convince herself to make the phone call. They weren’t true, not entirely, but she’d known that before she called. She’d known that before she called and she’d called anyway, and she’ll fall asleep smiling tonight even if things hadn’t gone exactly to plan, so she says it once more, steady and defiant.

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Ryder ends up being the last person Unique drops off after prom, despite living much closer to the school than Jake or Marley.

“Take a left at this stop sign,” he instructs her as she approaches his street. “It’s on that street, just a few blocks down.” She’s never been to his house before, hadn’t even known what neighborhood he lived in, which is weird. She knows all of his deepest, darkest secrets, but doesn’t know he lives on Willow Avenue. She flips on her turn signal and rolls to a stop, checking the intersection multiple times before turning.. He wonders if she’s always so careful.

They’re both quiet for the last few blocks, as quiet as it’s been in the car since they dropped Marley off ten minutes ago. It hadn’t been so weird at prom, with all four of them hanging out together. It hadn’t been Ryder’s plan, though. He’d caught a ride to the school with Blaine and Sam, expecting to spend most of the evening with them, but that was mostly because he didn’t want to feel like a third wheel with Jake and Marley. He’d felt like a third wheel with the boys anyway, though, and Unique was hanging out with Jake and Marley, and it hadn’t taken Ryder long to gravitate over to their small group. It hadn’t seemed weird until the four of them gathered together for a prom photo and the photographer urged Unique to “move a little closer to your man!” Unique didn’t meet Ryder's eye, just shuffled a bit closer and gingerly placed a hand on his shoulder and Ryder thought, not for the first time, that maybe he and Unique really did need to talk things through.

The awkwardness abated after the photos, with Tina’s Carrie nightmare and the aftermath, and they’d had fun with the whole group for the rest of prom and at the afterparty at Breadstix. But now, as Ryder points out his house and Unique pulls into the driveway, it’s starting to become clear again - they really need to talk.

“Thanks for the ride,” Ryder says, unbuckling his seatbelt. “Sorry it was so much extra driving, but it felt like Sam and Blaine were going to be there all night with Tina, and-”

She rolls her eyes as she cuts him off. “The extra driving was Marley’s fault, she’s the one who lives far away. And the one who insisted I drop you off last because she needed to save two minutes and be home by her 12:35 curfew. No one has a 12:35 curfew.”

Ryder smiles. Unique’s bluntness is one of her most appealing features. “Yeah, it wasn’t subtle. Neither was Kitty, before we left.”

“I know, right?” Unique groans. “Girl was clearly giving out some orders to Jake and Marley before we left, and shut up real quick as soon as I was in earshot. I knew she was plotting something.”

Ryder had thought so, too, watching her from across the parking lot. It hadn’t occurred to him to try and stop it. “Well, it’s not a big deal, really. We can be in a car alone together.”

“Of course we can. It’s not awkward at all.” She’s nodding as she says it, but her hands are gripping the steering wheel, and a brief silence hangs heavy over them.

“Uh… maybe it’s a little awkward,” Ryder eventually says, and Unique glances over at him, laughter in her eyes.

“A little,” she agrees.

“I think they want us to talk.”

Unique looks away. “Well, they’re sweet, but it’s not really their business.”

“You don’t think we should talk? About… stuff?”

She’s quiet for a few seconds before responding. “We could. I just don’t really want to push things, now that you’re talking to me again. I got the feeling you’d rather ignore the whole situation and hope it eventually got better.”

“Yeah,” Ryder says, because he does feel that way most of the time. “Yeah, it would be nice, but it hasn’t really worked for me in the past, so…”

She waits a few seconds to see if he’s going to finish before asking, “So you want to talk?”

Ryder’s looking out the passenger side window when he agrees. “Yeah, I think that would be good.”

“It’s your call.”

“I want to,” he confirms, turning toward her. He wants to sort this out so he can look at her when they’re alone like this, so he can have that weird swishy feeling in his stomach like he’d had when she touched his shoulder and not feel so conflicted about it, so he can feel as special and loved as he did when he was talking to her online, before he knew about the lies. It’s worth working for, all of it, and he can tell by the smile taking over her features that she agrees.

“Okay. But, uh… I actually do have to be home by one, so now’s probably not a good time.”

There’s still a part of him that wants to put it off indefinitely, give a vague answer about maybe next week sometime, or maybe even after Nationals, because that will have them pretty busy for the next few weeks and it’s not going to be a comfortable conversation, and maybe if they wait long enough things will just work themselves out and they’ll be real friends again.

But she’s still smiling at him, apologetic but hopeful, and it’s not really the first time he’s wished he could kiss her, but it’s the first time he’s admitting it to himself.

“Tomorrow, then? If you’re free, we could go to the Lima Bean. Or I guess you could come here, since you know where I live and all.”

“The Lima Bean is fine,” she replies. “Any excuse for Unique to get one of those giant chocolate chip cookies. I might even let you share.”

“You better. So… around two o’clock?”

“I’ll have to consult my extremely busy social calendar, but I’m sure I can fit you in around then,” she teases.

“Okay, cool,” Ryder says, pushing open the car door. He has to stop himself from adding “It’s a date,” as he says goodbye and closes the door behind him. It’s not a date, but it’s a new beginning, and that’s a nice thought, no matter how scary tackling their messy past will be.

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At prom, Unique looks really pretty.

It’s a thought Ryder’s been having a lot lately. She looked pretty at Regionals, and at Blaine’s huge proposal event at Dalton, and even in glee the other day, when she wasn’t dressed to perform. Before the catfish reveal, Ryder had never noticed how pretty she was. It’s not that he used to think she wasn’t pretty - he just never thought about it at all. She’d never even been on his radar.

Now, Unique is pretty much the only person on Ryder’s radar. It’s weird, because they haven’t talked at all lately, even though he stayed in glee club. Ryder’s not sure if she’s mad at him or just respecting his wishes by leaving him alone, but it sucks. He and Unique weren’t the best of friends before this all happened, but they were friendly enough, always greeting each other at glee and sharing a glance of silent judgment whenever Mr. Schuester said something particularly ridiculous. Ryder misses that bond with Unique. He misses talking to Katie, too, and he’s started to grasp the fact that it’s all one big loss.

And Unique looks really pretty.

On one of their performance breaks, she’s sitting alone at the table the glee club adopted as their own when Ryder returns with the sodas he procured for himself and Jake. Marley and Jake are gone now, out slow dancing to the song playing over the PA. Besides Blaine, they’re the only ones at prom without dates, but Ryder hadn’t really noticed until now.

“I guess Jake wasn’t that thirsty,” he remarks as he sits down across from her.

Ryder expects a bit of a reaction from Unique, something to indicate that she cares that he’s speaking to her again, but all he gets is a shrug. Her eyes remain glued to the dance floor as she replies. “Marley loves this song.”

“Oh.” Ryder’s quiet for a moment. “You want a Coke?”

Unique turns and meets his eyes for a second before turning back to the dance floor. “No thank you.”

Ryder follows her gaze. Kitty’s sitting in Artie’s lap, Marley and Jake are swaying together with their eyes locked on one another, Sam’s making a weird face and Tina’s fondly rolling her eyes. Everyone seems to be having a great time, and Ryder can’t help the flash of jealousy or the sadness that’s twisting up his insides.

“Where’s Blaine?” he asks, another attempt to get Unique talking.

“Over there,” she replies, indicating the other side of the gym. “He’s dancing with some girl from his superhero club.” She pauses, then looks at Ryder again. “He asked me to dance, first.”

“You didn’t want to?”

She scoffs. “I don’t want pity dances.”

“It probably wasn’t pity,” Ryder says, though he thinks that’s probably exactly what it was. “He doesn’t have a date, so maybe he’s just lonely.”

Unique rolls her eyes. “I’m sure Blaine’s fine.”

I’m not, Ryder wants to say. Instead, he says, “You look really pretty. Just… in case no one’s told you that yet.”

Her eyes are suspicious when they meet his again, but Ryder thinks he sees a little hope in there, too. “Marley told me. And Blaine, actually,” she says.

“Well, they’re right.” Ryder breaks eye contact, looking down at the table as he feels his cheeks heating up. He hopes it’s different, coming from him. Blaine and Marley are sweet and well-intentioned, but they’re not interested in girls. “Do you want to dance?” he asks as the slow song wraps up. He knows there’s a good chance the next song will be more upbeat, with less pressure on being close.

She shoots him a glare. “Boy, did you not hear what I just said about pity dances?”

“It’s not pity,” Ryder insists, unable to keep himself from grinning at her perfectly arched eyebrow. “I said pretty, not pity. You must have misheard me.”

She groans. “God, you’re a dork.”

“I’m a good dancer, though.”

“You’re not the worst dancer I’ve seen,” Unique allows.

The new song that’s playing is upbeat, as Ryder anticipated, and he’s encouraged by the fondness in Unique’s voice. They might still be a little mad at each other, a little distrustful, but it doesn’t change what they had before. Things don’t have to stay this way forever. Maybe this dance will be the start of something big. Ryder doesn’t want to miss that chance.

“Is that a yes?” he asks. Either answer will be scary for different reasons, and he’s holding his breath as Unique searches his eyes. He’s not sure what she’s looking for - pity, maybe, disgust, or deception, but whatever it is, she doesn’t find it.

“Okay, we can dance,” she says after a moment, holding out her hand and waiting for him to come over and take it. “But if you step on my foot…”

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Ryder’s dad meets Unique on a Thursday in late May.

It’s not something that Ryder’s been avoiding, exactly. Both of his parents have seen the glee club perform, but never been introduced to anyone but Marley and Jake. Even now, after discovering that Unique was Katie and both of them offering apologies and accepting forgiveness, it’s not like the two of them are best friends. They talk more than they used to, and hang out sometimes, when Ryder can work up the courage to ask, but things are still a little strained between them, like they can only forget the tension between them for a little while before one of them starts thinking too much and a dark cloud settles over them again. It’s frustrating.

It’s easier when there’s a distraction. They’re sitting together on Ryder’s living room couch watching a movie when his dad gets home from work, and Ryder straightens up immediately without giving it any thought. He feels like he’s been caught doing something wrong, which is ridiculous. Unique had bought him ice cream after school to celebrate the grade on his English paper, and then they’d come to his house to practice a song for the week’s glee assignment. They had decided to watch a movie before she left. Ryder had just lost track of time, and it’s not like they were sitting that close together on the couch. He’d probably sit just as close to Jake or Marley or anyone else.

“Hey,” his dad greets them as he enters the room. “Who’s your friend?”

“This is Unique,” Ryder says, standing up. Unique follows. “She’s in glee with me.”

“Oh, of course. Nice to meet you.” He offers a hand to Unique, and she shakes it, looking nervous.

“Nice to meet you,” she echoes. “I should probably be going.”

“You can stay for dinner if you’d like,” Ryder’s dad offers. “No rush.”

Unique doesn’t meet his eye, and her voice is soft when she replies. “I have homework, but thank you for the offer.”

Ryder feels like his stomach is twisting into knots. He knows she’s always scared, meeting new people. She always assumes the worst, and Ryder knows that makes sense. His dad is being polite, sure, but it still feels like they’ve been caught doing something wrong, and Ryder’s not sure what to do to make things feel less awkward.

Unique leaves after gathering her things and saying goodbye to both of them, and Ryder knows he’s going to be asked more questions soon after the door closes behind her. His dad doesn’t disappoint.

“So he’s in glee with you, huh?” his dad asks once they’re both in the kitchen preparing dinner.

Ryder immediately corrects him. “She, dad. Unique’s a girl.”

“Oh,” his dad says. “Of course.” There’s an amused twinkle in his eyes, and Ryder has to look away. He focuses all of his attention on the stove, gripping the pasta spoon so tight his knuckles go white. Ryder’s not even sure he has any right to be angry, really. Three months ago, he would have said the same thing.

“But yeah, she’s in glee club,” Ryder replies after a moment. “She’s probably the best singer we have. We’re working on a song together for glee, that’s why she came over.”

“Sounds like fun. Are you guys close? I’ve never heard you mention her before.”

Ryder pauses, unsure of how to answer the question. “I guess? We’re getting closer, lately.”

“That’s good,” his dad tells him, patting him on his back. “Kids like that have a tough time, you know. They really need friends. You’re doing a good thing, Ryder.”

The praise makes Ryder feel sick. His dad doesn’t mean anything bad by it, but it’s hard not to turn around and yell at him, tell him that Unique doesn’t need his pity. If anything, his dad should thank her for hanging out with Ryder. It’s not like Ryder’s had many friends at all until this year, and Unique’s been pretty great, except for the whole catfishing thing. She lets him be open and honest, saying whatever’s on his mind without judgment, and it’s helped a lot.

Ryder’s never been as confused about anything as he is about his feelings toward Unique and it sucks, knowing that his dad probably wouldn’t be helpful if they talked about it. His mom is out of the question, too. The two of them had been growing distant even before Ryder moved back in with his dad last summer, and Ryder doesn’t talk to her about much besides his schoolwork. He’s considered getting advice from Marley, but he’s not entirely sure she’ll keep everything he says from Unique. It’s not bad stuff he wants to say, not really, but he doesn’t want Unique to hear about it, not yet, not when everything’s so confusing. One minute, he thinks he wants to kiss her, because she’s sweet and pretty and funny and brave, but the next, it hits him that she’s not the type of girl he ever thought he’d date. He’s not in a rush to have sex, really, because at the moment envisioning anything beyond kissing with anyone makes him feel queasy, but someday he’s sure he’ll want to, and what if the fact that she’s transgender is an issue?

Jake was the only person Ryder had felt comfortable enough to ask, and though Jake was understanding enough, the conversation hadn’t been very enlightening. Jake had no answers, and got uncomfortable when Ryder asked if he’d still date Marley if he found out she was transgender.

“It doesn’t really matter what I’d do, does it?” Jake had said. “It only matters how you feel.”

Mostly, Ryder just feels confused. He’s not sure how to respond to his dad’s praise.

“She’s just... cool,” he says, keeping his eyes on the pot as he stirs. “We all like her.”

“Well, good. I’m glad. Do you want salad? I think we have a bag in the fridge.”

“Sure.”

His dad reaches into the refrigerator to retrieve the salad and tosses it onto the counter as he reaches for a salad bowl from the cabinet. “So how was school today? Anything exciting happen?”

Ryder’s thankful for the change in subject. “I got my English paper back,” he says, and he can’t stop himself from grinning a little at the memory. “I got a B+.”

That earns him another clap on the back. “That’s great, Ryder,” his dad says, and Ryder knows it’s not empty praise. “I know you worked really hard on that. Make sure you call your mom and let her know. She’ll be so proud.”

“Yeah, I will,” Ryder says. He’s been doing better at school since he was diagnosed with dyslexia, but it’s not the only thing that’s changed for him this year. He’s been growing in a lot of different ways, and sometimes he wishes all of the other things mattered to his parents as much as his steadily improving grades.

“You’ll be applying to Harvard before we know it,” his dad says.

Ryder lets out an uncomfortable chuckle. “Yeah, right.”

“Hey, you never know.”

Ryder’s phone buzzes in his pocket, distracting him from the conversation. It’s a text from Unique, apologizing for her quick exit and asking if he’s free again tomorrow to work more on their song.

“Is that Marley?” his dad asks when he notices Ryder’s lips quirking up into a small smile. It makes sense that his dad would think that. Marley’s texts had been making him smile for months, and even after he’d moved on to Katie, he’d continued to let his dad think he was talking to Marley. It had just been easier than explaining that he’d met someone online. Maybe it would still be easier to pretend it’s Marley, to let his dad rest easy in the knowledge that his son’s crush was on a girl he found so harmless, so normal.

But Ryder’s getting pretty sick of pretending.

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Ryder’s still at Breadstix celebrating Mr. Schuester and Ms. Pillsbury’s wedding with the rest of the glee club when he gets the Facebook message from Unique. It’s short and to the point, only long enough to tell him not to quit glee. She’ll quit instead, since it’s her fault, and Ryder can stay. It’s the only fair thing to do.

Ryder hasn’t thought much about his decision to quit since they were handed the trophy earlier that afternoon, and as he looks around the room at all of the people he’s grown to love in the past few months, the idea seems almost unbearable. Glee club without Unique doesn’t sound like something Ryder would be interested in, either. She’s such a presence in the choir room. No one else in the club can sing like her. She would be missed far more than Ryder, and she’d miss it more than he would, too. No matter how angry he is with her, he knows he’d never feel comfortable letting her quit just so he could stay.

He considers ignoring the message for now, waiting until he’s home at his computer and can concentrate so his spelling won’t be quite so horrible, but that seems silly. Unique has already seen the worst of his writing, anyway, and if he’s going to respond to her message here, he might as well go talk to her. He can see her from where he’s sitting, with Marley and Jake in a booth across the restaurant. Unique has stuck close to them all night, sneaking glances at Ryder so often that it’s been impossible to miss.

It takes Ryder a minute to build up his courage and leave Joe and Artie behind at his own table and cross the restaurant. Unique, still in her Regionals dress and her wig, watches his approach, trying to cover her wide-eyed fear with a look of haughty defiance. It’s a look she wears often in the halls at school, trying to stay strong in the face of her tormentors. Ryder’s stomach twists at the thought that she fears him like she fears them.

“Can I talk to you alone for a second?” he asks when he’s reached the table. His body is pointed in her direction, but his eyes are lowered. Looking her in the eye for too long doesn’t feel possible.

It’s Marley who replies. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” she says. When Ryder turns to her, she’s biting her lip, looking concerned.

“It’s a celebration, dude,” Jake adds. “We won, Mr. Schue got hitched... why don’t you just go back over and hang out with Artie and Joe and we can avoid the drama for tonight?”

A flare of anger shoots up his chest at yet another implication that he might get violent, but before he can reply, Unique speaks up.

“It’s fine, guys,” she says. “Can you excuse us?”

Jake and Marley oblige, but Jake takes his time exiting the booth, making sure he gives Ryder a look of warning before he walks away with a still-worried Marley. It hurts, knowing his friends don’t trust him and probably aren’t on his side. He has a right to be angry, and he is, but he’s not going to hurt anyone. Don’t they know him at all?

With Jake and Marley gone, there’s a whole side of the booth empty for Ryder to slide into, but that feels too intimate, so he remains standing, hovering over the side opposite Unique, feeling more awkward than angry.

“I, um, got your message,” he says, holding up his phone. He’s still avoiding eye contact with her. “Why didn’t you just say this to me in person? I said I wasn’t going to punch you or anything. You don’t believe that?”

“I believe that. But you also said you were never going to talk to me again.” Unique’s voice wavers a little as she speaks. “I didn’t want to come talk to you and just have you ignore me or walk away.”

Ryder swallows hard, remembering their conversation in the hallway. He’d meant the words when he said them, but he’s already screwed it up. They’re talking, and there’s no use walking away now. This is important.

“You can’t quit, okay? If you do, everyone will just hate me more than they already do. You have the best voice out of, like, everybody, and-”

“Nobody hates you,” she interrupts, and he meets her eyes before he can stop himself. She looks genuinely confused by the statement. “I mean, you’re completely right about my voice, but nobody hates you at all. This is my fault, and...” Unique looks down. “You can’t quit, okay? I know how important glee is to you.”

“It’s not that important to me,” Ryder lies.

“Honey, please,” Unique scoffs. “I know you, remember? You can’t lie to me about that.”

It’s true, Ryder knows. He’d told Katie everything, even long after he’d known Katie wasn’t Katie at all, but someone he already knew from glee club. He can’t convince Unique that he doesn’t care whether or not he’s in the glee club, not after spending so much time talking about how much he looks forward to it, how it’s finally helped him make friends after being a loner for so long.

“Well, it’s more important to you,” Ryder replies, finally sitting down on the empty side of the booth. “I know it’s the only place you feel like you can be... you, and feel safe about it. I’m not going to make you give that up just because... well, because of this.”

“I can’t believe I screwed this up so badly,” Unique whispers. When Ryder chances another look at her, there are tears forming in her eyes. His instinct is to comfort her, reach across the table and squeeze her hand. He doesn’t want to sit here and watch her get upset, he can’t. He would comfort Katie, and he would comfort Unique, but offering comfort to Unique-who-is-also-Katie is just too hard, too confusing. Ryder’s already regretting sitting down, because now he wants to remove himself from this situation as soon as possible.

“Just... don’t quit, okay?” he says, getting out of the booth and avoiding her eyes again. “I won’t quit, but you can’t either.”

Unique sniffles. “I didn’t do this as some sort of reverse psychology thing, you know. I wasn’t trying to trick you into saying neither of us should quit. I just-”

“I didn’t think you were trying to trick me,” Ryder says. “But you’re right. We both need glee club, and they need us, too, especially with Brittany leaving and the rest of the seniors graduating in a few months. We don’t have to be friends to be in the club together, we just have to be civil.”

“Okay,” Unique agrees. “Look, Ryder, I-”

“I gotta go,” he interrupts. She sounds too upset, and he’s not willing to hear more apologies, not right now. He’s out of earshot before she has time to argue.

-

When Ryder gets home that night and excuses himself to his bedroom, he still can’t get Unique off of his mind. The thing is, when he thinks about it, Unique being behind the whole thing makes a lot of sense to Ryder. Unique had more of a reason than anyone else in the glee club to be scared of liking someone. He’s thought a lot about her since their argument during feud week, done a lot of research to help him understand what it means to feel like you were born into the wrong body. He knows he’ll probably never get it, not completely, but he can imagine how hard it must be to walk in her shoes. Ryder had enough trouble when he liked girls, and he was actually allowed to show that attraction with only the fear of rejection from the girls. There was no real fear of disgust or reproach, no worries that people would hate him just for having feelings for someone else. Of all the glee girls it could have been, Unique really should get the most understanding from him, at least. She can’t just tell guys that she likes them. It doesn’t mean she’s blameless, but he can’t stay mad at her forever. What if Marley had never forgiven him for liking her and going after her in ways she didn’t approve of?

Ryder likes Unique. He always has, even before, when her insistence that she was a girl made him a little uncomfortable. She’s funny, brash and unapologetic, but not in an offensive way, like Kitty. It’s become a lot easier for him to think of her as a girl, too, since his post-feud week research. It’s especially easy when she’s all dolled up for performances. She’d looked gorgeous today at Regionals.

Deep down, he knows that no matter how bad this hurts, no matter how betrayed he feels, Unique didn’t do this to be vicious, and that makes a difference. If it had been someone trying to mess with him, if everything Katie ever said had been a lie, Ryder’s not sure he could have handled that. Katie isn’t a fake person, she isn’t a joke. The girl who had made him laugh, made him feel special, the girl who had talked him down from panic attacks before several tests, who shares his love of french fries and Parks and Recreation... she’s real. Unique is real, and she likes him, and that’s really not so bad. He may not like her back, but he doesn’t have to hate her, either, just for having feelings. He’d spent an embarrassing amount of time picturing himself with Katie, both before and after finding out that she wasn’t some blonde he didn’t know but someone in the glee club pretending. His mind had provided him with images of Marley, Kitty, Tina, Sugar, and Brittany, but he’d never thought about Unique that way. He’d always assumed that if the culprit was Unique, it would just be payback from the incident during feud week. He hadn’t considered her feelings might be real. He doesn’t know if he can picture Unique that way, but when he closes his eyes, leans back against his headboard and tries to bring her to mind, she appears easily, right in front of him in her Regionals dress, watching him with expectant eyes as he leans in and presses his lips to hers.

“Oh,” he breathes, his eyes snapping open. He’s not sure how far he’s ready to let his imagination run with this right now.

Of all the ways he’d pictured this Katie thing wrapping up, lying in bed thinking about what it would be like to kiss Unique had never even entered his mind. It’s confusing, and he wants more than anything to talk to someone about it, talk to Katie, because she’ll listen to anything and not judge him. It’s Saturday night, and they had a standing Saturday 10pm chat date each week, so he’s feeling the loss more than ever right now. Part of him wants to take out his laptop, sign on and see if she’s still there, waiting to talk to him just in case, but he knows that’s stupid. Pretending that Katie is just Katie, that he can still talk to her under that name and ignore the truth that he knows, will be impossible. He doesn’t want to hide behind that name, not anymore.

Instead, Ryder pulls his phone from his pocket and opens up his text conversation with Katie. He fights the urge to read through all the texts they’ve shared in the past month and selects her name to bring up her contact info. It’s hard, backspacing through Katie’s name, watching it disappear right in front of his eyes until there’s nothing left, but he doesn’t leave the space blank for very long. He fills the void with Unique’s name, tapping the letters slowly and deliberately, trying his best to spell it right on the first try.

He goes back to the text conversation, looks at Unique’s name above it, and tries to come up with something to say, some way to explain that he could really use someone to talk to right now, and she’s the only one he feels comfortable with. It feels wrong as soon as his fingers start tapping out the letters. All he’d wanted was to talk to this person for real, and he doesn’t want to limit himself to texting anymore, not if he doesn’t have to.

It takes more courage than he thought to hit the call button, but his nerves are soothed a bit when he hears Unique’s voice in his ear, a wary but hopeful ‘hello?’

“Hi,” Ryder says, swallowing hard. “I, um... I was wondering if we could talk? I know things are weird, but we always talk on Saturday nights, and I just... really need someone to talk to right now.”

“Of course,” Unique says. “You can always talk to me.”

Her voice is soft and comforting, like a hand in his or an arm around his shoulders, and Ryder lets himself close his eyes again, wondering what the future might hold for them.