#unexpectedeverything

Andie’s dad is a real hardass and I start to wonder if he looks like Rob Lowe when he was on the West Wing.

I’m now casting the 90210 tv show of this book. It will air on the CW and not ABC Family (I refuse to call it Freeform or whatever the hell they changed it to). Dad is cold and detached from Andie’s very existence. I wish I was too but I’m strapped to her for this whole ride. They say about four words to each other before retreating to separate rooms of the house. They are the kind of family I can get behind. I’d probably vote for Hot Dad.

Andie informs us, the reader, that she is going to the Johns Hopkins Summer Program for Gifted Teens. This is an actual program that does not involve dog walking so I can assume she will be kicked out because her father is a disgrace and Baltimore is a city of utmost purity. She is over this whole situation and tells us as much at least 3 times in the first 15 pages. I’m finished with my first wine cooler and decide this will be a long summer.  

Andie has her first of many very long group text message sessions with her three friends, they don’t have names that make me roll my eyes too much so they are acceptable. One is named Palmer and I keep thinking about Twin Peaks. Maybe Hot Dad should be played by Kyle MacLachlan. The others are Bri and Toby. We aren’t at Sarah Dessen levels of annoying yet.

The girls decide in annoying emoji text speak that they’re going to a party. Andie is down with that because she’s a “bad girl” with a love em and leave em attitude towards dating and she’s jonesing for some love em so she can leave em. We meet Topher at this party who I thought was going to be the Dylan McKay of this story but turns out he’s nothing more than a special guest star. Bummer. Everyone I love in this book gets taken away so quickly.

Turns out we live in Connecticut. It’s vague on location (or I skipped it) but I get the vibe that we are not in the Hamptons but we are. Andie is clearly rich and Palmer must be to some extent since they live in the same neighborhood. No one is rich enough that they don’t have to work for the summer. Either that or this is a town of non asshole parents. I highly doubt this.

Andie wakes up the next morning to find that Johns Hopkins- that pillar of honesty and truth- has kicked her out of the summer program because her letter of recommendation from some guy that is probably important pulled his recommendation. Like he was so incensed by that press conference he turned to his wife and was like “honey, I’m going to ruin that 17 year old girls life now. Get me the phone.” I roll my eyes because I don’t want this book to be so cliché. Turns out it is.

Andie gets up and drives to old man killjoy’s house to beg for her reinstatement so she isn’t stuck with Hot Dad all summer. She is attacked by a giant fluff dog though and that is how we meet him: Clark. Clark is the dog owner and we are told he is cute. He’s also a super geek who only owns t-shirts advertising different tv shows that Andie has never seen because she is not a consumer of popular culture. She’s a smart girl who wanted to go to smart camp and can’t go to smart camp and will now never be a doctor.

Andie doesn’t have time for Clark and leaves to go lick her wounds at a local diner with her friends. They’re like “sorry you can’t be a geek all summer but we are happy we can hang out.” Palmer’s boyfriend Tom is inoffensive even though he wants to be an actor. Toby and Bri are now on my nerves all the time. Andie decides she needs to get a job because a gap in your resume while you’re in high school means you’ll never be a doctor.

Andie picks up a vague job advertisement and her friends are all, dude this is how rape happens. Andie scoffs at that and soldiers on. Maya does not rape Andie and instead offers her a job as a dog walker. Andie believes this is beneath her and I believe it is beneath the meet cute stories of rom com but what ya gonna do? I predict Clark will hire her to walk his dog.

THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT CLARK DOES. Clark is creepy and nervous and probably a shut in. Andie develops a crush on him. Andie likes crushes and Andie likes kissing but Andie HATES love. I bet Andie falls in love with Clark.

Turns out Clark is a famous fantasy writer who can’t get his shit together long enough to write a sequel to his book. He is the George R.R. Martin of YA fantasy. He tells Andie the internet is mean to him. Andie tells him reading is for nerds. They go on a shitty first date because Andie doesn’t care about Clark’s life and doesn’t ask him his favorite color. She just wants to make out. Clark is a sensitive writer type and he takes her home after dinner and gets the fuck out of there. Andie goes to a party with her friends to find a make out partner.

In true rom com fashion Clark calls Andie all in a panic because his dog ate a bunch of chocolate. Andie goes to his house instead of being like “call a vet not a teenager” and they get to know one another on a talking level instead of a kissing level.

Hot Dad is not pleased Andie was out all night. Andie is all I’m always out all night you’re the one who is never here so fuck off. She runs off to the diner. He follows her by tracking the GPS in her car. They have an afterschool special moment that I was hoping to avoid.

The Friends are starting to annoy me. Toby has a massive crush on a douche bag named Wyatt who I believe has a massive crush on Bri. No one informs Toby of this and no one confronts Bri. I get the feeling these are surface friends even though they talk about sex. The Friends have nothing to do but be funny at times and have long text chats. I don’t appreciate this.

Apparently Palmer’s existence is to put on some weird large scavenger hunt where her friends get a trophy and some other type of prize if they win. They are put on teams. Clark and Tom are bros for lyfe now so they are together. Toby and Andie. Bri and Wyatt. Clark steals Andie’s car keys so Andie is forced to ask Hot Dad for help. He is excited for something to do. He helps. Turns out the boys and girls tie and we can’t find Bri and Wyatt. They’re probably making out. When they show up they say the car broke down. They were definitely making out.

Andie and Clark get hot and heavy and she is ready to have sex. So like all good books where nothing goes wrong she chooses a date to do it. She goes to Bri’s house and catches her with Wyatt. God I’m so smart. Wannabe Bruce Patton from Sweet Valley High is like “see ya later” and Bri gets mad that Andie is all “what about our friend Toby” and Bri is all “why do people only care about Toby” because Toby is a basket case. Andie says we need to keep it all a secret until summer is over so we can stay friends and no one talks about feelings. Bri agrees.

Andie is ready to get dirty with Clark but first tells him about Bryatt. Clark is like why would you keep that secret? Andie is offended and calls off the banging. Clark seems put out. I am too. Shockingly everything about Wyatt comes out the next day. We are no longer friends. Andie proceeds to have a fight with Clark and she dumps him. He gets pissy and goes to write a book about it.

Topher aka Dylan McKay comes back into play! He is brief because he is not the Romeo to our Juliet. She merely swiped right on her way to destiny. She tries to bang it out with him in order to make it seem like nothing matters but can’t do it as she realizes she loves Clark. Topher starts to say something about loving her himself but thinks better of it when he realizes he is not the star of this show.

Andie decides to tell Clark she loves him at a his book reading because grand gestures always work and Palmer makes up with her just in time to join her for the adventure. Something happens with Hot Dad first so we have to take a side journey. Then the fancy car breaks down so we take Hot Dad’s campaign bus. We get Toby and Bri but Toby is basically like Cartman and says screw you guys I’m going home.

Andie informs Clark she loves him and they make out in front of all his fans. I’m sure she is now the subject of a lot of fan fiction. We assume they have sex because Clark is a college boy now and Andie is mature enough to know what feelings are. Hot Dad decides not to be a Congressman anymore. Toby stays a frigid bitch. Life moves on and we got a happy ending.