#undome

Azul Goldsmith, wearing one of his favourite crowns.

- Low Roar “I’ll keep coming”

Find the you before people told you who to be..

I thought by now I would know more, yet here I am writing my first post of what will probably be an angry blog filled with immature feelings. How have I not grown? Shameful that these posts will strike a comparison to my high school journals stashed in a box in my basement. I’m still that angry girl. Ironically, I have applauded myself with the ability to quickly forgive others. Why am I so angry then? On the surface I am a bubbly, friendly person. Usually smiling. Spreading sunshine to as many people as I can. It’s not fake.. I truly enjoy that version of myself. But I must accept that there is another side to me… as there is with everybody. I have a side that is sad. Every day. I have a side that is angry with people I love. Hurt. That’s in there, too. Randomly, without warning, it bubbles to the surface in sobs and with the inability to breathe. Usually while I am in the shower and during an extremely stressful couple of weeks. (The poor poor pitiful me song is playing in my head as I type this.) I am very aware that everybody has struggles..so I have swallowed mine for years. It is now time to undo all that I have bound myself in. Shame. Apologies for who I am. Unrealistic expectations to be that shiny mother who has it all together. The Christian who has been fully healed by the Lord. How can I draw people to Christ if I am a broken Christian? Isn’t he supposed to make your life better?! How can I get people to understand that He has indeed made my life better! In high school I had all of these raw emotions, but I had no hope. I was very suicidal, lost, self destructive, lonely, misunderstood, and doomed. I was my own worse enemy. With Christ I have a place to hide. Somewhere to cast those feelings. And hope that He has never forsaken me. That He created me so that somebody out there understands my thoughts and my actions. Somebody truly knows me more than any other possibly could. But I’m still a work in process. I’m still a diamond in the rough. Being formed by my creator. It is time to accept that I am not done being molded into who I am… and that I am still trying to become who He created me to be…

the Emperor. (Azul)

He was resurrected a week later. 8 March 2015

I didn’t want to fill you with just one OC over and over until you all throw up for the nausea, but you just DON’T know how many pics of him I’ve got. 26 January 2015 He’s Undome of course. Charming, isn’t he? no he isn’t?

Another old drawing (i was practicing on kisses). Here we’re talking about my OC Undome. He’s the one on the left. He’s had some love stories. Er, probably just one: the one with this guy on the right. He’s another person’s OC, so his concept and copyright is not mine. But they were cute. With him Undome had the chance to face his fear of losing the people he loved. He didn’t bond with the others very much, because he saw his parents dying - and he thinks it was his fault, mostly. So he doesn’t want to lose anyone anymore: he would blame himself for not protecting them, for being too weak. But Undome loves deeply, when he’s not afraid. 13 March 2014. ref used