#underpriviledged

Dear People at catered parties,

Your caterers want to smile at you, they really really do. We  understand that you may be on diets, hell we've on been on them, but we still have to offer you the apple brie puff with a side of lard. We know you want to drink and have fun and chat about little Hugh Billings the 4th. We get that, we're just there to help. Here are some fun things to remember the next time you see our tell-tale white shirts and black pants:

1. Some of your waiters are ivy league educated kids putting themselves through college. DO NOT talk down to us. We are not idiots. We have a brain. Just because this is you throwing this benefit and you're rich and loving it does not mean you won't meet that little waiter girl again some day. Oh, and you better hope you tipped those kids in coat check- they WILL be your bosses.*

2.PLEASE for the love of all that is good and sunny, DO NOT STAND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE VERY VERY NARROW WALKWAYS. We have giant trays filled with glass, food, and red wine. We will drop it if you hit us whilst reenacting that amazing, last second hole in one or while you're telling that outrageous story about little Woodsworth and his nanny. WE will get in trouble, not you and your drunken ass turtle time behavior.

3. If we come around to pick up you plate, pick up your glasses, or serve you wine; please don't respond to our interruption with disdain and anger. We have to do this. If we don't, whoever planned this event for you, possibly your very close friend, will yell at our manager and call him incompetent. Then there will be a chain of yelling from one manager on to the next, then to the head server, and eventually, it will flow all the way down the line to the little waiter who just wants to EAT SOMETHING, ANYTHING PLEASE.

4.When you go to move yourself in a spastic, seizure-like shimmy/stanky leg to the jazzy re-styling of the Black Eyed Pea's "I got a feeling," PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE put your chair into the table. It's bad enough we've been on our feet for 8 hours, we do not need to be trapped mice in a maze for your amusement.

That is all. Continue enjoying your party, you closet, sloppy, drunk upper east sider. Carry on carrying on.

* I understand that this isn't every waiter/coat checker/ bar tender you come across, but hey, show some love. Karma can be nasty.