#uncontrollabletears

Once upon a time I used to pride myself on my ability to keep tears at bay. For many years the only time I can remember crying could be counted on one hand. Feeling them coming I would excuse myself to have a shower where no one would be able to hear the sobs. Otherwise they were silent, slipping down my face tucked up in bed, usually feeling a little under the weather (often self-induced), watching an embarrassingly trashy film and totally sucked in by the cliché story line.

Now it is another story. Over the course of the last year I couldn’t possibly even guess the amount of times. Ten? No, more… 30? Perhaps. More likely 50 or more? Once a week or so? That sounds more realistic.

Slowly the ability to keep the tears away has become more and more difficult. Sometimes alone, as I walk along, contemplating and over thinking. Lying in bed watching a movie, unnecessarily involved in the characters’ lives. Otherwise moments overcome with no notice. More often though it is with witnesses (unfortunately)... Skyping my boyfriend in Melbourne when all I want is a hug. Over drinks with friends when the conversation steers towards life. Sitting at my desk at work listening to music and a song my papa was considering for his funeral randomly comes on … or telling my manager that I have decided to leave the organisation.

Just a week ago I was off to meet my friend for coffee on my lunch break. Pre long weekend good mood I thought I might message her in advance “I promise not to cry this time”. Thankfully I didn’t… Sitting there, in the café we laughed about how crazy everything can seem sometimes. We talked about work, budgeting, progress made on projects and shared recipes. Then, the baby photos came out. And there was her niece looking the picture of angelic and before I knew it… my eyes started welling up.