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One thing that bugs me in thasmin fanfics, is that every so often the writer will make the mistake of “umbreen = old == homophobic”, and that absolutely could not be further from the truth.
Umbreen went against one of the biggest cultural romance norms of her time by marrying a Hindu. On the exact day of partition - the biggest act of Hindu/Muslim segregation in history - umbreen is doing the total opposite. The person who officiated her wedding was a woman (in the 1940s), came from an unknown place/culture/faith, wasn’t even a holy person.
Her own mother (while ultimately there for her) thought the marriage was “cursed”, and her future brother-in-law was killing people to prevent it. Umbreen heard and saw all that and went ‘fuck you manish, I love who I love, deal with it or leave’.
And people think that woman is going to turn around to her “favourite granddaughter” and say she can’t love a dumbass soil-eating alien genderfuckery of a woman?
Umbreen’s whole deal paved the way for Yaz to accept her sexuality, to the point that Yaz directly quotes her when trying to convince 13 that they should be together. Thasmin is umbreen’s legacy!
While Najia (rightfully) freaks the fuck out about the 3000-yr-old-alien/time travel/mortal danger thing, umbreen would be shoving her granddaughter back inside the TARDIS demanding that she run off, live her best life, and never regret a thing
When yaz tells her family that she’s A) gay and B) in love with the doctor, none of them are surprised but they’re all very supportive- esp umbreen, because if you think she’d be homophobic you’re wrong and I’ll fight you. Najia especially is estatic because she just wants her daughter to be happy and it’s been clear to her from day 1 that 13 makes yaz incredibly happy
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Summary: The Doctor and Yaz need to stop by her parent's flat to pick up some supplies, only someone unexpected is there - and she wants to speak to the Doctor. Thirteen finds herself reevaluating decisions she's made.
Title from Yellow - Jodie Whittaker (Coldplay cover)
AN: A conversation between these two is something that's been floating about in my head for a while - enjoy :)
and massive thanks to @logically-blue for reading this for me <333
Read on AO3
The Khan family flat was usually quiet this late on a Sunday evening; Sonya absent-mindedly watching the Real Housewives while scrolling through Instagram, occasionally interrupted by Najia and Hakim bickering over the cleaning. So when the doorbell rang seven times in a row, followed by rather anxious knocking, naturally they were all surprised, even more so when Najia opened the door.
"Yasmin Khan!! It is 10:45pm, is this really the best time you could come up with to visit??" she scolded, but fondly, as she pulled her daughter into a warm hug. She couldn't even remember how many weeks it had been, but based on the guilty look on Yaz's face, it must have been longer than she had liked.
"Sorry, sorry. Can we come in, mum? We needed to borrow some stuff. And all the shops are closed."
"Course, love, come on. Wait, we?"
"Hiya, Yaz's mum!" said a familiar voice from behind the door, although Najia noted a tinge of apprehension that she hadn't before - was the Doctor seriously scared of her after their last conversation? She couldn't help but smile to herself at the thought.
"Doctor, hello. Right, let's get you lot some tea - hang on, where are your other friends?"
"Oh, they're uh. Asleep?" Yaz quickly responded, sighing at herself for not being able to come up with a better alibi. Najia didn't appreciate knowing her daughter was lying to her, whilst also knowing there was no way she'd have it explained to her any time soon.
Setting her annoyance aside, she ushered the pair of them in, and waved them towards the living room as she put the kettle on.
The Doctor walked behind Yaz down the corridor, unusually silent.
"Come on Doctor, what's the big deal?" she thought to herself."It's just the Khans. You love the Khans! Okay, well, yeah. In fact, Doctor, maybe that's the issue. Why do they make you so nervous? Maybe you are just socially awkward. Or is it because-"
Her reasoning with herself came to an abrupt halt when she made contact with a pair of eyes she hadn't seen in a while. Well, it hadn't been so long for her. For Umbreen, it had been 75 years.
"Nani! I didn't know you were here" Yaz beamed at her grandmother, "this is my friend. You can call her the Doctor".
Suddenly, Yaz realised the weight of this meeting. Surely, Umbreen wouldn't recognise her? It had been so long, after all. She felt her heart pound as she looked anxiously between the two of them. She thought that her Nani had a certain glint in her eye, although that may have just been a response to the Doctor's bum bag, which she had insisted on wearing yet again.
"Doctor, lovely to meet you" she said, "how did you two meet?"
This question was monumentally less intimidating than when her own daughter had asked it years ago, and Yaz found herself able to answer this time.
"We met while I was on the job, and we've been travelling a little with our other friends.(Not even technically a lie, nice one Yaz)"
Umbreen didn't respond, but smiled softly. Knowingly? The Doctor looked at Yaz, both clearly thinking the same thing. The eye contact didn't end, and somehow didn't feel awkward, but they both felt the weight of their conversation only the other week weighing down on them a little more with every second they didn't look away. The Doctor gave Yaz a little smile, and she finally forced herself to turn her head.
That just wasn't fair, Yaz thought. For the Doctor to look at her like that, to smile at her like that, when she was the only thing stopping them from being together. And that isn't fair either, she thought, to be thinking that. It seemed as though the universe was doing its best to get in the way of them. It wasn't the Doctor's fault, she knew that, but in moments like this it felt better to have something to hold against her. It felt easier then to pretend she wasn't that bothered by it. That she could even be in the same room as the Doctor anymore without thinking of the beach, the stone, the jokes, the tears.
That damned beach.
Umbreen, meanwhile, had been watching this intense eye contact, followed by uncomfortable silence, intrigued by this side of her granddaughter she hadn't seen in, well, ever. But she knew Yaz well enough to tell that she was hurting, no matter how hard she tried to pretend she wasn't, and she imagined it had something to do with this woman decked in rainbows. She'd have to do something about that.
Everyone exited their respective trains of thought when Najia came rattling in with cups of tea.
"Your dad's on his way to pick up Son from some party." she explained, as she passed the drinks around. "What was it you needed to borrow, love?"
"Oh, the Doctor needed something for a... a project she's working on..." she looked towards the Doctor expectantly, who was again looking a little less assertive than usual. Yaz knew how much her mother would be enjoying this.
"Just some coffee beans! I've got pretty much everything else I need, but the TAR- um, my... landlord? Yeah, my landlord, she does NOT trust me with coffee. Neither does Yaz, actually. Or anyone." she continued a little sheepishly.
"Right... well, you can help yourself, there's plenty in the kitchen" Najia responded, barely surprised at this bizarre statement.
The Doctor got up, and Yaz was just about to follow her, when she felt a hand on her arm.
"You stay here and catch up with your mum, beti. I'll go and show the Doctor where everything is." Yaz opened her mouth to argue, but Umbreen made a face at her that she knew better than to talk back to, and moved towards the kitchen.
The Doctor was already busy foraging through cupboards when Umbreen came in. The rustling of packets was interrupted with a calm, yet attention-commanding statement.
"I haven't forgotten, you know."
"Crap. Crap. Shit! Oi, language, Doctor. But seriously, what now??" her mind raced as she tried desperately to avoid eye contact, without seeming any more suspicious than she already did.
Umbreen sensed her trying to wiggle her way out of this, and thought it best to keep going.
"I mean really, Doctor, a hyperactive blonde in a big bright coat with a magic wand is not something I saw every day in Lahore. Especially not one who spoke Punjabi! What did you expect?"
"Yeah, maybe should have thought that one through a little. Could have gone a tad more local. Or not come at all... I told them! I said to Yaz, very tricky business! Too many risks! But she kept asking, and you know I couldn't..." the Doctor stopped herself abruptly.
Umbreen smiled. "It is hard to say no to that sweet girl's face, I know."
The Doctor felt herself smile too. Relax a little, even. Najia and Yaz were well out of earshot; she heard them chatting faintly, and she smiled a little more upon hearing Yaz laugh - a proper, happy laugh. One that sounded like those first few months of travelling together. One she didn't hear so much anymore.
"And whose fault is that, Doctor?"
The smile fell. Silence, too, for a moment.
"Doctor, may I ask you something?"
"Yeah, course."
"You knew Prem and I would not have the life we dreamt of. And yet, you married us, bound us together. You told us about love and hope and faith. Why?"
"Just like I said. You were so certain in each other. Nothing - no forces, no hate, no demons - no-one could ever come above that."
"Would you not rather have saved us the pain of losing each other? Made it so that we had nothing to lose? Tell me Doctor, what was the point if we had no hope of forever?"
The Doctor paused. Umbreen saw pain - veiled, but there - flash across her face. "A wonderful person once told me this, and I might not like it, but I do stand by it. Happy ever after doesn't mean forever. It just means time."
"Wait."
The point of this conversation clicked.
"Umbreen." the Doctor sighed, "This is a more difficult situation than I can really convey. I understand, truly, I do, but I... I don't HAVE time. I have nothing to offer anyone that won't end in pain. Pain that will last lifetimes. Not just for me. For them too. ...For her."
"I never said you did. My question is, did you ever offer it in the first place?"
"You want to see her get hurt? Because that's where this goes, Umbreen. That's where this always goes. I know you see it between us, the whole bloodyuniverse,seems to see it, but it's too late. It was always too late. No matter when I start, no matter what I do, I will never,ever, have enough time left. Never enough time to keep them safe, to explain it all, to give them what they deserve. It's not worth the pain. It's not worth another ending."
"That does not seem like your choice alone to make."
The Doctor sat, a look on her face that said the conversation was over. That it was all fine. But beneath that, Umbreen could see pain. It reminded her of her own Yasmin, all those years ago. The face, the smile, that screamed she was fine, but the eyes that pleaded for help. She didn't know this mysterious figure enough to push much further. Only one card was left for her to play, the one she used without fail, time and time again, on her children and grandchildren alike.
"How would it feel if this were happening to you?"
"...What?"
"How would it feel if someone, who had lifted you out of loss and pain and darkness, told you no? Not letting you choose the difficult road that meant more time with them? Even if you knew that time was short?"
Frozen between one heartbeat and the next.
"If they told you that you weren't getting a say. That their mind was made up and it was too late to do anything about it."
Push that button, Doctor, it will go off in your own face.
"That they wanted you to move on with your life and find something better, to pretend they never meant anything to you!"
Tell me about her.
"I know you think you're being kind, Doctor. I don't doubt that for a second. But I know what truly hurts my granddaughter the most. And it's not rough days, because she knows how to get through those. It's not endings, or sadness, or loss. It's the feeling that she isn't worth those things." Umbreen silently left both the kitchen, and the loud thoughts that she could almost hear the Doctor thinking.
People like me and you, we should say things to one another. And I'm going to say them now.
The walk back to the TARDIS felt at least five times as long as usual."Maybe it is, maybe you've moved" thought the Doctor, "if you're trying to get me to talk to her first.""Maybe I should do it now. So if it all goes wrong and she never wants to see me again, at least she hasn't got as far to walk back." The Doctor was snapped out of her thoughts at the feeling of a cold hand brushing lightly past her own, gently bumping into her as they walked.
"Are you alright?"
Yaz wondered if she would ever get an actual answer to that question. Try rephrasing, maybe.
"...what did Nani say?"
The sound of footsteps stopped.
"Did I really make you think you weren't worth it?" she replied, her voice cracking a little.
Yaz looked up, and was shocked to see tears brimming in her shining eyes.
"Doctor, what do you mean? Worth what?" she took the Doctor's trembling hands into her own, looking to her for permission. The Doctor held on as if Yaz's touch could undo these months, years, decades of hurting.
"I didn't... I neverwantedto shut you out. I was only ever trying to protect you. I have never, for a single second of our time together, thought that you weren't worth the pain. Really, not once. Scout's honour. I just-"
The Doctor felt Yaz's thumb rub gently over her own, encouraging her but never rushing her. She felt her cold metal rings, the two carefully chosen heartbeats that Yaz thought she didn't notice, pressing against the palm of her shaky hand.
"I just thought thatIwasn't worth that. I didn't want to take your life away from you, Yaz."
Yaz sighed. She never would understand how one person could be so quick, so bright, but also so very stupid about these things.
"Doctor, that exact thing has happened to me three times before. Once when I was in school. You know the time I mean." the Doctor squeezed Yaz's hand even tighter. "But the other two times were probably even worse. My life was taken away from me for ten months, and then for almost four years!"
"See, that's what I mean, Yaz. I couldn't stop you getting stuck in the past, how can I risk you getting lost somewhere I can't get to you?"
"It's a good thing she's cute," Yaz thought,"or I so would have kicked her by now."
"Not that, bighead. That wasn't the problem, not really.
The only thing you could ever do to take my life away from me isleave."
The Doctor met Yaz's gaze. Years upon years of nothing but kindness, patience, loyalty,carebeamed back at her.
"Now or never, Yaz."
"I know you want to look after me. The thing is, I want to look after you too," Yaz grinned, "And technically, you are still a witness from a crime scene on a train,Madam. Which means I've got to make sure you're alright. You know. Duty of care."
The Doctor gave no response except a wide-open mouth. Yaz took that as a yes.
"So... what now?"
I guess we're both just gonna have to be brave.
...Let her be brave.
Yaz felt chapped lips gently, experimentally, press against hers, a hand tangled in her hair. It was brief, unpolished, maybe even desperate, but tender. She heard a huge sigh of contentment and almost immediately felt the Doctor's cold face jammed between her shoulder and her neck, arms coiled tightly around her waist. Fighting back tears that came flooding at this moment she'd waited so long for, Yaz held the Doctor close and buried her face in her hair. She lightly kissed the top of her head before they took a step back, smiling at each other warmly, but a little cautiously. This was new.
"Yasmin Khan.My Yasmin Khan.
You wanna try that whole 'date' thing again?"
End Notes:
The Doctor needed coffee for a science experiment, btw. Did the science experiment involve her trying the coffee with disastrous consequences, maybe.
Still very new to this writing thing, so any comments/tips much appreciated :)
