#ugghh...

I had a dream about this guy. He's more than just some regular guy, in fact I've had a crush on him for soooo...long. The thing is I've told him, at least twice. Once in 8th grade and again a couple years later. For a while I stopped thinking about him. But recently an older brother of mine got into a relationship with a girl who had a crush on him in high school. My brother never really liked her and got teased by my other brothers about her. But now 11 or 12 years later they are together and engaged (just recently). It just makes me think and wonder if I do have a chance with him (a second chance I mean). It seems almost fated in a way. But I don't want to wait until I'm nearly 30 to find the love of my life. I just hate going through life alone. I have a great family, but nothing compares to that something between two people in love! 

I was sitting with my dad the other day watching t.v. on the couch when he goes...

"Have you ever thought of getting one of those profile dating things? You're in a funk you should go date or something." 

I had one of those "WTF" looks on my face and I go, 

"I'm not in a funk." With a "whatever no big deal" sort of smiles. Now though I'm thinking he's right. I am in a funk. I feel so down and out. The line that pops into my head now is the one from the Book Thief. Actually two quotes, the first,

' "Alles ist Scheisse," he announced. 

All is shit!'

And the second quote,

'He paused, "I need a win, Liesel. Honestly." '

Those two thoughts always circle in my head when I'm in a funk like this. A funk that makes me think of only bad things. Even now I look around at myself and the living room lit up the t.v. on to some movie I'm not even watching, and suddenly I want to cry. But why? Because yet again I'm alone. While my brother is out with his buddies I sit at home. Is it crazy to be jealous of your little brother who is still in high school and is well basically a whore. If it is so be it. Because I am jealous, I'm jealous of his popularity not only with people around him, but his popularity in the family and with girls. Why can't everyone want to be my friend, why can't all my other brothers want me to come over and hang out. Why can't every guy fall all over themselves for me. I just don't get it. Why does everything work out and come easy to him. Why does he get to do so many things before I did. When I first started hunting, the first time I really got to go out with my dad who was there at the same time? Why did he get to go with us at the age of ten and I had to wait until I was twelve. Why does he get so lucky as to shoot more deer then me? Why does he get to go out all the time while I sit here crying trying some how to convince myself that somehow my life is going to get better, even though I know in my heart that its not. 

I'm in college now, only 19 and I have no idea what I want to do. I only applied to the community college because I didn't want to waste money on classes at some over priced university. My little brother, he knows already what he wants to do. He's going to move out and go to some college in Ohio and be a diesel mechanic. Why does he get such an easy path in life when all I do is struggle. It's like I have two broken legs and I'm crawling along and my brother is in perfect health sprinting through life with not a care in the world. All this is bad enough, but then he has the audacity and nerve to just trample over me. My brother is not the least bit modest. He walks around laughing and mocking. He treats me like a punching bag. He acts like he's the big bother just because he's taller and stronger than me. I've had to live with being the only girl in  my family all my life. I've had to fight for any ounce of respect that I've gotten and he doesn't care. He just brushes that respect all away like it's nothing but dirt. Sometime's I hate him and I want to just make him hurt as much as he hurts me. But then I come to my senses or rather I realize that he's ,y little brother and I have to be the big sister and get over it. Nut it's so hard and so stressful and I feel so low. No one knows how to hurt you more than a sibling and lord knows my brother knows how to make me feel like crap. I just can;t take it anymore. But no one really gets it. Not my parents and not my brothers. 

My dad seems to think I can get outta my funk if I get a boyfriend. And my mom thinks I need to go hang out with friends.