Gonna be real, the sense of hope in this record I am struggling to believe in anymore.
Releasing this and getting whacked with ME/CFS and POTS was ... well, I did an EP about that. I thought things were going up, and there was a forward momentum in my life. That's kinda gone. Also given that the mixing engineer and I had a massive and horrid falling out (and there were issues with the mix/mastering which were mostly due to me being so burnt out on the end I didn't care about it being over-compressed, as well as the mixing engineer having serious mental health issues), coupled with the fact it wasn't reviewed by press that usually covers my label for reasons I cannot fathom, I feel kinda disappointed in this record. It took 7 years to make - and I do not want to take that long to make a record ever again. I do not want anybody to mix my records but me. I don't want records to be hard to make, but joyful. This was actually more miserable to make than its predecessor, even if I was (mostly) less mentally unwell when making it.
That being said, compositionally I wouldn't change a thing. The final track is still my favourite song I've ever worked on, and a lot of it is because of Otay's incredible performance (as well as HHH and Charlie Looker). The sound design I am proud of. Making gore sounds for A Puzzle with a wet towel and bucket (Thanks Vi and Kiera for helping), making synths make sounds they shouldn't, converting random text files into WAVs via audacity... sound design is my passion, and hopefully that passion is evident here.
Luckily, the feedback from the only people who matter - the fans - has been more than enough. Really, hearing how much this record means to so many really makes all the pain worth it. While IL is my 5th record, it felt like a difficult 2nd after The Origin went viral. The pressure was high. Sure, many prefer my pessimistic/suicidal/sparse material to my relatively more hopeful stuff, but I am glad its not everybody. To be blunt, seeing how people reacted kinda kept me alive. I was really at breaking point by the time this was finished - which is why I insisted it was surprise-dropped (the Flenser didn't want this at all), I didn't have the spoons or capacity for marketing campaigns. But the record found its way to the people who needed it. And for that I am grateful.
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To celebrate pride month - which is in the dead of winter for us in the southern hemisphere - stems of "Impossible Light/Golden Flower" are available on patreon (5$ a month). I am slowly looking for what stems I can - mostly of older versions of the record before it was sent for mixing (I don't have access to the final versions of the stems, much to my dismay). I'll maybe pop more out as I find them. Some will be janky, but *most* of the sounds will be there.
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Anyway, this will be last record I'll be discussing my transition. I am sick of being seen solely as a 'stereotypycal trans noise artist' (it was not a stereotype at all when I came out in 2016), when in my daily life everybody sees me merely as woman. My 10 year tranniversary is coming up in a few months. I am also sick of getting they/themmed in every second review when on the street, many do not even suspect I am queer, let alone trans. Clearly the message isn't clicking with everybody. I am a woman first and trans last. But I'll still be a tranny until the day I die. But I have other stories to tell.
Thats what these lyrics are about: I saw the ghost of the boy I was, I mourned the corpse of the girl I loved. I want to stop talking about my ghost - but too many friends keep becoming them.
I am working on many new records, and which one you get is based on what I am able to finish first. They will be nothing like IL. I cannot promise you will like them. But I can promise they will be made with love.
