#tyfs

Katherine curtsied to Sir Malcolm. "The pleasure is all mine, I assure you."

I escorted Katherine to the guest chamber off the main hall of the manor, which had been prepared for her use. Once inside, we relaxed. We had to maintain a certain level of propriety around our parents, but when we were alone, we became much more casual with one another. I allowed her some time to change out of her riding clothes and freshen up. We joined our families for the midday meal in the hall, and then Hal disappeared to the stables, no doubt wanting to give Katherine and me some time alone together. I almost wished he hadn't.

I suggested that Katherine and I could go for a walk, and she agreed. We walked to the east of the manor hall, toward the orchards. That had always been Katherine's favorite part of Prebend. She loved it under the trees. She had told me once it was because she felt protected there, as though the trees' boughs, which formed an almost perfect canopy over the orchards, were encircling her and keeping her safe. We had shared many secrets there as children. Now, I wanted to take her there to discuss my own misgivings.

The workers in the orchard smiled when they saw us. It was not uncommon for them to see us there, and it had been quite some time since we had been allowed the time to simply be together. It was almost natural that we should seek this place out.

For a long time, we walked in silence, wandering down the lanes between trees, our fingers twined together. Finally, I broke the silence.

"Katherine."

"Ed, what is it? You don't seem yourself."

"I don't know who I am anymore, who I'm supposed to be. I feel like my time as a squire only confused me more than it helped me discover myself. I don't think that's what's supposed to happen."

"I don't know. I like that you haven't really changed. I see how being a squire is changing your brother. He's hardening his exterior, keeping more and more inside and not letting emotion through. You could never do that to yourself. It would mean changing who you are at a deeper level, and I don't want to see that happen to you."

"Is Colin really changing that much?" I asked. I had not seen my brother for almost an entire year. He had gone into service with Sir Wesley when I was in my final year of service to Sir Brian.

"He is. He's becoming a man, just as you did. But he's letting service change him in ways you never did. He hardly ever smiles anymore. I miss his smile."

"You will look after him, won't you?" I asked her, knowing what her answer would be.

"Of course I will, as much as Father will allow. What with our...situation, I'm sure he doesn't want Colin and I to become too close."

"Ah, yes, our situation," I said, feeling the weight of her words settle upon me. Katherine and I had been friends a long time, longer than we had been betrothed certainly, and we still felt more like brother and sister than future husband and wife.

"Edmund, do you want this?"

"It matters very little what I want. I must do what's best for my family. I must do what's best for yours. Our fathers want this. And however much I might not like it, I have to do as my father wishes. There will be time. Time for feelings to grow. Time to come to know each other better in that way."

"But right now," she said, turning to look at me.

"Right now, let's continue to be good friends, please. I don't want to ruin what we already have with one another."

"All right," she said, taking my arm once more.

We had begun to make our way slowly back to the house, when Ben came hurrying toward us.

"Master Edmund, my lady, Sir Henry requests your presence in the hall at once."

"Thank you, Ben, we were just on our way there," I said. I squeezed Katherine's hand and quickened my pace.

I stood before the council table set up in the manor hall with Hal on one side of me and Katherine on the other. My father took a deep breath and began.

"I summoned us all together because I've had word from London. Prince Edward intends to lead a group of English knights on a Crusade to the Holy Land beginning just after Easter. Each household with sons of a certain age has been asked to provide men for this venture. Malcolm and I would be only too happy to do so, but we realize that we cannot force either of you to go if you do not want to."

These were nothing more than words. I was sure my father would expect me to go. I was sure Hal would go and, no matter what he knew of my skills or lack thereof, would want me to go along with him.

"Which leaves the question of why I asked Wesley to be here. Whatever decision is made on my part, it affects him directly. I could choose to have Colin knighted and send him instead. Indeed, that would seem to be the better option as Colin is not my heir, but Colin is not yet fully trained. Yet, if I send you, Edmund, I run the risk of losing you, and Katherine risks losing the man to whom she is promised, which leaves me in something of a dilemma."

"You mustn't send Colin, Father," I said, startling myself. "I will go. If I am lost, you still have a son as your heir. What doesn't make sense is for Hal to go. Forgive me, Sir Malcolm, I do not wish to second guess your decision, but he is your only son. Surely the risk is too great." Hal looked at me with a betrayed look in his eyes. How could I even suggest that he not take on this challenge? How could I think of going without him? "Forgive me, Sir Malcolm, if I have overstepped," I added, realizing that I clearly had.

"No, Edmund, you make a valid point. I consider it an honor to send a son to a Holy Crusade, and I'm sure Harold feels the same." Harold nodded to his father. "This was the other reason for all three of us to meet. If, God forbid, one of you should perish in service to God and country, Henry and I have agreed that whoever is left as heir to Prebend shall also be heir to Whitchurch, should it come to that. Should it happen that Hal perishes and you do not, much as it pains me to think about, Colin will become heir to Whitchurch. I am secure in the knowledge that my estate will not be left leaderless upon my death. Henry is secure in the knowledge that his estate is also in safe hands. And Sir Wesley knows that he has a possible future manor lord in service to him at the moment."

"We also needed to know your decision, Edmund, to know if I would have to give up my squire a few months early," Sir Wesley said now. Of course, if I left, Colin would have to come home. Prebend would need the certainty of a groomed heir, and if he was possibly meant to be the heir to two estates, it would be all the more important for Colin to begin learning now.

"I will go," I reiterated.

"As will I, gladly," Hal said beside me.

I heard Katherine's breath catch on my other side and looked over at her. She had begun to cry. I held her close to me, stroking her hair.

"Katherine," I started, but she pulled away from me, shaking her head. She fled the room.

"Katherine!" Sir Wesley called after her. I heard a door slam. Sir Wesley sank back into his seat and put his hands over his face.

"I will go to her, with your permission, sir," I said. Sir Wesley nodded, and I bowed to my father and his allies before leaving the room and making straight for Katherine's chamber.

"Katherine?" I inquired, trying to make my voice soft and soothing.

"Go away!" she spat through the closed door.

"Please, let's talk," I implored. I heard movement on the other side of the door and stepped away. The door opened. Katherine's face was tear-streaked and her eyes were beginning to swell. "May I come in?" I asked. She merely stood aside to allow me to enter the room. I closed the door behind me, and sat on the bed, beckoning her to me.

"No one ever asks me what I think," she said as she sank down beside me, close but not too close.

"And what do you think?" I asked her.

"I think you're all mad. This isn't your war. It's the prince's. It isn't even his. Not really. It's the Church's war. I think it's wrong to ask so much of those who have so much to lose. And the Church is asking much more than just the sacrifice of some poor souls to battle and to death. They're asking that we make sacrifices here at home as well. What if you never come back? What if I lose you? What if I lose both of you?"

"Colin and me, you mean."

"Yes. I know we shouldn't, and I know I'm supposed to love you, but he's right there all the time, and I can't pretend there isn't something between us when there is. I'm sorry."

"No need to apologize," I said. "I've suspected for awhile now. Our friendship was always just that, a friendship. But I see the way you look when you speak of my brother. I see the tenderness, the devotion there. And if I go, Colin comes home, and you lose the time you could spend with him, limited though it may be. But think, Katherine, if I go and if I die over there, you could lose a friend, yes, but you could also gain a husband whom you actually love. You could gain three estates instead of two. You could gain so much. Let me give you that chance."

"So, you're doing this for me?" she asked.

“Katherine’s coming today,” my father said in greeting when he joined my mother and me at table. “Wesley and I have things to discuss, and he sent word that he’ll bring her with him.”

My heart soared. If Sir Wesley was bringing Katherine, it must mean he meant to stay for some time and that meant we would be able to spend some time together as well, just us. We hadn’t had much opportunity since I had come back from my squiring. There was so much I needed to tell her.

“Will we be seeing Colin as well?” my mother asked.

“Now, Elizabeth, you know how Wesley feels about that. He’ll keep Colin in Shrewsbury, helping with his estate there. You know what happened the last time he brought Colin home.”

My mother lowered her eyes in remorse. My brother was currently serving Sir Wesley as his squire, and was away much of the time. He was allowed to come home once a year or so for a brief visit, but Wesley so often had dealings with my father of late, he had brought Colin with him once before. Colin was expected to remain in service to Sir Wesley during this time, but my mother had not been able to resist showing him some extra kindness and concern. It was best, really, if Colin stayed in Shrewsbury where he could keep focus on the tasks he was expected to do.

“I hope you will be able to keep Katherine amused for a day or so,” my father said now. “Wesley and I have important matters to deal with and there won’t be much for her to do.”

“Of course, Father,” I said. Katherine and I had been friends for many years. Sir Wesley was a close ally of my father’s and we had grown closer as we got older. We had been betrothed shortly before I had gone away into service as squire to Sir Brian of Bourton. Since Sir Brian’s manor lay many miles to the south of my home at Prebend Manor, we had not had as many opportunities to see each other during that time, and now that I had returned home, we savored the moments we were allowed together.

“Harold and Malcolm are coming down as well,” my father continued.

“It must be important, Father, if both Sir Wesley and Sir Malcolm are making the journey to be here,” I said.

“It is, my boy, of the utmost importance. You and Harold may even be involved. We’ll see what is decided this first day.”

That made sense, as both Harold and I were the heirs to our family estates, Harold to the estate in Whitchurch and I to Prebend Manor. Harold and I had grown up together since we were young boys and had always been close friends. I wondered though, what our fathers could be planning that would involve the two of us.

Sir Malcolm and Harold arrived midmorning. Harold beamed at me from the saddle.

“Henry, Edmund, a good morning to you. I hope all is well here at Prebend,” Sir Malcolm said as he dismounted, inclining his head slightly to my father and me. Harold stood stoically by his father’s side.

“As well as can be expected, Malcolm, but we do have things to consider,” my father said. “Harold, I trust you are well.”

“Yes, sir,” my friend replied.

“Ready for anything?” my father asked him. Harold just smiled and nodded. “Good lad.”

“When will Wesley arrive?” Sir Malcolm asked.

“He should be here this afternoon, but we can begin with the matters that concern us more closely. I trust you and Harold will be able to occupy yourselves,” my father said, turning to me.

“Yes, Father.”

He nodded and gestured toward the manor door, letting Sir Malcolm walk inside ahead of him. Once our fathers were gone, Harold and I dropped all formality. We threw ourselves at each other, clasping hands and faces.

“Ed, by God, it’s good to see you.”

“And you, Hal. Three years is far too long.”

“I hear congratulations are in order,” Hal said, grinning at me.

“On two counts, actually, but you deserve some recognition, too, Sir Harold.” Hal’s grin widened.

“Can you believe we’re knights?”

“No,” I said, completely honestly. “Not that I don’t think you earned it, but I really don’t know what Sir Brian was thinking. I’m nowhere near skilled enough for the title.”

“You underestimate yourself. You always have. But what more is there? Surely you haven’t been keeping secrets from me.”

“I only found out this morning,” I said. “Sir Wesley’s bringing Katherine. You finally get to meet her.”

“Not fair,” Hal protested, shoving me playfully in the arm. “You get to introduce me to your betrothed, but I don’t get to introduce you to mine. Laura is so far away, it’s difficult for us to keep in contact, even through letters.”

“Nevertheless, how are things between the two of you?” I asked.

“Couldn’t be better. She’s meant to be coming up for Easter in a few months, but it is hard being apart for so long.” I gave my friend a sympathetic pat on the back.

“It shouldn’t be long now, though,” I said. “You two have been betrothed longer than Katherine and me. Surely your father wants the marriage soon.”

“I hope so,” Hal said.

“Come on,” I said, “let’s go down to the river. We have a lot to talk about, and like my father said, Katherine isn’t supposed to be here until this afternoon.”

The river was my favorite place to be alone and talk with Hal. Of course, we were never really alone. Many of the villagers made their living along the banks of the river that ran along the northern edge of our estate, either from fish or from valuable plants with healing properties that grew there. I liked going there to watch the villagers at work, and the sound of the rushing water always seemed to bring peace to my thoughts, allowing me to make sense of things and calm my mind. Others might have preferred the stillness and solemnity of the church, as I knew my brother did, but I preferred to watch the busyness around me. It made what I was feeling inside seem apart from me, and it helped.

Today, I needed to talk to someone about the jumble of emotions I held inside me, and it couldn’t be Mother or Father, or even Katherine. I needed someone who wasn’t family. I needed someone who could detach themselves from the issue at hand and give me objective advice. I was glad I had such a person in Hal.

“What’s going on?” Hal asked me, seeing how troubled my features had become.

“I’m not sure I’m cut out for this life, Hal,” I admitted, and immediately felt as though a weight had lifted from me. I hadn’t realized I had been holding so much in. “I’m not nearly as good as I should be with the sword. I hate conflict. I know so little about the intricacies of running a large estate like this. Father does so much. I’m not sure I could do all of it and do it well. Do you know what I mean?”

“Yes,” Hal said simply.

“No, you don’t,” I said.

“Then why did you ask?” he retorted. “Ed, I do understand. It took me a long time to get as good with the sword as I am. I was lucky that Sir Owen allowed me so much time to practice. But we’re lucky, really, to live where we do. I don’t think either of us will see much conflict here in the midlands. It’s more in the borderlands where they have troubles with land disputes and skirmishes.”

“That is true,” I agreed, “but it doesn’t address my second set of worries.”

“About not being good enough?” Hal asked. I nodded. “Ed, we’ve had almost no time back at home to even find out how to run a manor. Our fathers can’t expect us to learn it all within a few weeks. It will take months. And we will be ready, even if we aren’t right now. Eventually, we will be ready to take control. I don’t know about you, but I’m hoping it’s later rather than sooner.”

“I don’t wish to take control any sooner than I have to either,” I said. When I assumed leadership of Prebend it would be because my father had died. I didn’t wish death upon any man, least of all the man I had looked up to most of my life as a paragon of strength and leadership. “I’m worried though, that Father doesn’t think I’m ready and so he’s delaying training me. What if he waits too long or I’m really not ready? What if there isn’t time to learn it all before I have to?”

There will be time,” Hal said. “And we’ll have each other to lean on. It’s hard work, and I think you have the upper hand where I don’t.”

“How’s that?” I asked, giving a very disbelieving look.

“You’ve got such a good memory, not only for details, but for people. Who is that?” he asked me, pointing to a girl downstream from us who was gathering some meadowsweet at the water’s edge.

“That’s Betony, our village healer.”

“And that?” Hal asked, pointing the opposite direction toward a man hauling in a fishing net from the river.

“That’s Ben. He works for Father as well. He takes messages to other manors for us. I’m surprised you don’t know that. He’s been up to Whitchurch more than a few times.”

“See what I mean?” Hal said. “I knew he looked familiar, but out of context, I never even recognized him as your messenger. It’s the same with people at Whitchurch. I recognize them as villagers, sure, but I don’t know anything about them, other than that they are under our protection. They’re just people to me. But you know things about them. You know them."

“I don’t think that’s going to be of much help when I am lord and master of the estate though. If I become too friendly with the people they may not respect me.”

“But if you don’t have some sort of rapport with the people, they’ll view you as cold, unfeeling, and out of touch with their concerns.”

“It’s a delicate balance, I suppose,” I said after awhile. “We have to show concern and interest, but we can’t allow it to go too far.”

“Exactly,” Hal said.

We talked then of other things. How our lives had changed during our squiring and after we had returned home. It was good to be able to talk openly about the challenges I had faced. I knew my family would brush them aside and make light of them, telling me I was overreacting, telling me I was imagining that things were harder than they really were. With Hal, I could be completely honest. He wouldn’t make fun of me for complaining that the obstacle course at Bourton had been entirely too complicated for me to master, even after three years. He wouldn’t brush it aside when I brought up worries that Sir Brian meant only to embarrass me or my father when he presented me at a manor council to be knighted.

He knew just how difficult things had been. He knew me, perhaps better than my father did. He understood that things that came easy to him were much more difficult for me. When we had sparred together as boys, he had quickly found the most effective way to best me, yet he never did so in an unfeeling manner and would give me plenty of opportunity to practice at my own level against him. I fear I proved a most unworthy opponent for him in return.

Around midday, we made our way back up to the house, where we stood with our fathers to greet Sir Wesley and Katherine. I offered Katherine my hand as she dismounted and led her over to where Hal stood. Katherine turned a kind expression on him.

“Who is your friend, Edmund?” she asked me. Hal answered her instead.

“Harold of Whitchurch, my lady. It is a pleasure to finally meet you.”

“Sir Harold, you mean,” Hal’s father said. “My son was lately made a knight. I don’t think he remembers half the time.” Hal blushed and turned his gaze to his boots as his father continued. “Sir Malcolm of Whitchurch, my dear. Pleased to make your acquaintance.”