#two-flower

(Discworld) The Light Fantastic- "What Kind Of Tree?"

Discworld-"What I Did On My Holidays"

Really wished this book was real, and it's all just a picture book on the events of "The Color of Magic" and "The Light Fantastic"

Chapter 14: A Sweet Retreat

(AKA RINCEWIND & TWO-FLOWER'S NOT A DATE-DATE CHAPTER.)

“Look, I’m trying. I just…can’t seem to understand!”

The Luggage glared at his master as hundreds of feet stomped on the ground all at once.

“If you had arms, we could do charades but,” Rincewind paused to try not to sound cruel, “You’re only legs.”

The Luggage glared deeper. the hinges lowered in sigh as the box rummaged around. It emerged moments later with a picture frame in its mahogany mouth, showing two figures in ceremonial attire.

The thinking gears inside Rincewind's brain slowly began to churn . Though, Rincewind had to make sure he was in the wrong.

”You.” Rincewind pointed at the box.

The Luggage nodded.

“You,” The wizard continued. “Want. A. Wedding? You?”

The box’s lid closed as it strikes his master’s kneecap, “Ow, okay! You’re serious, okay!”

Rincewind winced and rubbed his leg. He took a deep breath, “We need an expert.”

…

The Luggage danced happily as Two-Flower tossed a coin midair. The box leaped high and caught the coin between its teeth.

Rincewind huffed and crossed his arms as he saw his luggage bring it back to Two-Flower.

“Traitor.” The wizard mumbled.

“You’ve taken good care of it, Rincewind!” Cheered Two-Flower as he patted the box. He quietly leaned over it and whispered, “And you’ve seen to have taken good care of him ! Great job!”

“Why does it want a wedding though?!” Rincewind asked, holding a picture frame that Two-Flower had given him. It showed a photo of a fashionable-looking luggage with two little suitcases next to it. Apparently, Two-Flower took them in. He wasn't using them as transportation or for carrying. They just waddle around the Palace now and again.

“I know,” Two-Flower nodded in agreement, “We never had an Ankh-Morpork wedding, so this could be troublesome.”

Rincewind stared at him harshly, “That’s the issue you got from here?”

“You’re right!” The emperor jumped in excitement, “We need to buy the essentials! Invitations! Food! Music! Oh, this will be-”

Before he could go on an endless adventure on his own again, Rincewind grabbed onto his sleeve with remarkable ease, “Two-Flower.”

“Yes, Rincewind?”

“You’re an emperor.” Rincewind warned,”I’m sure you have people to cover that for you.”

“Oh.” Two-Flower slumped down like a discarded accordion with a canceled recital, “Well, that’s not nearly as fun.”

“By the way,” Rincewind asked suspiciously, “why were you out in the city yesterday?”

“Well, there’s a really nice food stall close to the gates, you see.” Two-Flower replied, “Best creampuffs you ever tasted!”

“Better…than the palace?”

“Oh, you tempted me!” Two-Flower stood up dramatically,“We have no choice, but to go out into the marketplace right now!”

“What?”

“Come on, Rincewind quickly!” Two-Flower was already pushing the wizard out the door.

The Luggage eagerly joined in on the push.

“W-wwait hold on!” Rincewind flailed his arms as the push halted. “You- we can’t go out like this!”

“Why not?” Asked Two-Flower.

“Emperor clothes? Me being the Great Wizzard? Us walking side by side?” Rincewind gave him the tiniest hints, “People would think!”

Two-Flower shifted his eyes as a blush of nervousness escaped him.

“What I mean is… ” Rincewind continued on, “They’ll think there’s a big ceremony for my return! Or that you appointed me as your Court Wizard or something!”

“Oh.” Two-Flower stuck his hands in his pockets and looked away.

“What?”

“N-nothing.” Two-Flower quickly replied, “We could always wear disguises!”

“Were you wearing one before?” Rincewind asked with dread in his voice.

“Yeah!” Two-Flower put on a cloth around himself looking so proud, like a kid who found a loophole on his parents’ curfew rules.

“With your emperor clothes underneath?” Rincewind pointed out, “And your big glasses that from what I saw, no one really wears them that big-”

“Alright-Alright, I got the picture.” Two-Flower smiled, “Better disguises.”

“Good.”

“But, what about you?”

“I’ll…manage somehow.” Rincewind muttered.

“But your hat-” Two-Flower replied with worry, “A wizard without his hat is just…”

“I can put another one on,” Rincewind searched around the closet and pulled out a common unimpressive headwear.

“Maybe this time I’ll actually spell it right.”

Two-Flower blinked in shock as he watched his friend easily replace his precious wizard hat. The old Rincewind won’t have dared to lose a single moment without it. But through his adventures and the dangers, Rincewind has seen his hat being torn down, lost, and even replaced by some straws and little corks dangling from the rims. Sometimes, the need for survival meant to hide away some magical aspects of it. It made him safe.

“What?” Rincewind asked as he saw Two-Flower unusually quiet.

“Is…everything alright, Rincewind?” he asked softly.

Rincewind put on the substitute hat on his head and looked in the mirror. Nothing phased him in the slightest.

“For now, I guess.” Rincewind mumbled, “I don’t know how long this will last.”

“What will las-Rincewind?” Two-Flower turned around and the wizard disappeared out of sight. He spotted the Luggage already following the wizard’s trail.

“Always the fast one to leave, ain’t he?” Two-Flower whispered to himself.

…

“Really, Two-Flower…”

Two-Flower held onto Rincewind’s arm as he swiftly dodged everyone around the palace. It felt more like his mere presence caused everyone to move aside fast, as if an incoming tide were about to sweep them all away.

“Look at it this way, Rincewind.” Two-Flower turned his head, still leading on with a brightful smile, “It’s your turn to play tourist!”

Rincewind let himself be dragged around as he was only busy by keeping his hat intact against the pulling wind.

“I’m not as handsome enough to pass as you,” Two-Flower winked, “But I’ll try my best in being a good tour guide.”

“Since when are you the flattering sort?” The wizard exclaimed.

Since you got here.” Two-Flower replied, his grin widening. A small blush escaped the wizard.

“Hey! Pretty Butterfly!” “Two-Flower waved.

In an open courtyard, a group of guards was performing their routine exercises with perfect precision and synchronization. At the center was Pretty Butterfly, adorned in special armor, a sword in hand. Her dark, messy hair was tied back, with a little jade butterfly pin on the side.

“She’s in charge of the army.” Two-Flower lowered his voice, careful not to distract their concentration. “I keep telling her there’s no need for one, but you know her—better safe than sorry.”

“I’m sure that level of caution comes from her mother, I presume?” Rincewind asked.

“Oh, you two would’ve gotten along very nicely,” Two-Flower replied. Impatient, he ignored common etiquette. “PRETTY BUTTERFLY! LOOK! LOOK WHO IT IS! LOOK, LOOK!”

Pretty Butterfly shot Rincewind a cold “I’m-watching-you” glare. It was sharp enough to pull him back into a quick walk.

“What about young Lotus Blossom?” Rincewind asked, eager to move on from the unsettling glare.

“Oh, she’s an artist!” Two-Flower beamed proudly. “She really captures how the world is!”

“You mean she draws it like you see it? All bright, fluffy, and happy?” Rincewind raised an eyebrow.

“Well, that’s how the world is out there, isn’t it?” Two-Flower replied. “You’ve seen it.”

“Yes. I have.” Rincewind muttered. “Too bad I wasn’t wearing your glasses.”

Two-Flower stopped suddenly, making the wizard bump into him. The emperor sniffed the air and whispered the words, “Creampuffs,” before dashing away.

“Hey-Wait! Two-Flow—” Rincewind slapped his mouth shut as people stopped to stare at him. He nervously smiled at the crowd, quickly catching up to his friend.

He found Two-Flower already seated at a table, eating creampuffs. As Rincewind poked his shoulder, Two-Flower stuffed a creampuff into the wizard’s mouth.

“By the gods,” Rincewind whispered.

“Delicious, right?”

“Very!” Rincewind wiped some cream from his beard. “Is there more?”

“Here.” Two-Flower handed him the dish. “I’ll order another one.”

Rincewind took the plate and began eating them. Can’t remember the last time he tasted something sweet. He was awestruck in flavour. Cream was already getting around his beard again.

He caught Two-Flower staring at him, as though he were stuck in a dream.

“What?” Rincewind asked.

Two-Flower sighed. “Nothing, it’s just—you’d think we’d be kidnapped by now, or that a monster would show up to wreak havoc. Some kind of adventure awaits, right?”

“Oh, sorry to disappoint you,” Rincewind replied, finishing the last creampuff and licking his fingers clean.

“Actually…” Two-Flower gently smiled, “This is kind of nice, too.”

Rincewind stopped, mouth still on his thumb. The two stare at one another, time freezing in place. It took the wizard all the strength to come up with something to say.

“So, a wedding .”

“Huh?”

Shoot, not the right words there, pal.

“The luggages in question.” Rincewind clarified.

“Oh, it’s gonna be lovely!” Two-Flower gleed in delight, “I already ordered the receptionist, we got the music, and everything for the after-party, of course!”

Two-Flower pondered, cream still stuck on his cheek, “Though, I don’t know why you want to do it all for tonight.”

“But—Two luggages…” Rincewind began, trying to make sense of it.

“What of it?” Two-Flower asked innocently.

“How…I mean,” The wizard stammered, “They already got little luggages together. Why now?”

“I suppose…” Two-Flower thought for a moment, “They may want to do the joining ceremony.”

“The… what ?”

“It will link them.” Two-Flower continued, wiping the crumbs off his face with a napkin, “Their space in the trunk.”

“You mean, there’s a chance I accidentally open the trunk and get your missing sock?”

“Won’t that be a laugh?” Two-Flower chuckled as he sneaked a peek at the wizard’s new starry socks.

“I didn’t agree to this!” Rincewind cried.

“Well, look at it this way.” Two-Flower assured his friend, “Now we’re sort of connected, you and I.”

Rincewind stared down at his plate. Shielding from the brightness of the city and from Two-Flower.He gazed at the remaining crumbs of his plate. This wasn’t right, the wizard knew. All this…what was that word? Rincewind didn’t know what to call this, but it was something he wasn’t much familiar with. He needed to remind himself this isn’t going to remain.

Sooner or later, his luck will run out soon.

And now that he had a taste for it, Rincewind was scared to go back to the fouls of his life. But, what could he do? This wasn’t something that his legs could run away from. It was time. As soon as the invisibility wears off, then, things will get back to schedule.

Back to the status quo.

Back to being just Rincewind.

“Are you feeling alright?”

“I’m fine.” The wizard responded. He looked again at his reflection on a glass, his disguise staring back at him with such dread.

“Rincewind.” Two-Flower paused, seeing his friend lost in a concentration of within that the other didn’t want to disrupt. But it was too much to bear.

“Hey,” Two-Flower tried again, “Since you’re here, there’s something I need your help with.”

“Me?” Rincewind asked hoarsely, “What can I do?”

Two-Flower slapped him on his shoulder, “Something only the Grrrrrreat Wizzard can do!”

“That’s too many r’s.” Rincewind corrected.

“But it makes it look more powerful!” Two-Flower whined as Rincewind chuckled at his exaggerated expression.

“Come on.”

Two-Flower led the way.

...

They stood just outside the walls of the city.

While the Palace has their own personal clacks tower, the city’s was located just outside the gate.

It looked abandoned, for the most part.

“There!” Two-Flower pointed at a shadow inside the tower.

Rincewind squinted his eyes.

A goblin.

“I’ve been practicing my Ankh-Morporkian,” Two-Flower stated, “But I don’t think they understand me clearly.”

“You see,” Two-Flower continued, “This location isn’t well suited. There’s bound to be some earthquakes here and there, and a brick tower would stand much better than just wood.”

“Ah.” Rincewind noted, “Well, let’s see what I can do.”

“Excuse me!” Rincewind yelled out.

Rincewind didn’t mind goblins. In fact, he was fascinated by them. They liked shadows and would compliment those who were nice to them. And while goblins worked with dangerous explosive mechanisms, they could always assure you that they wouldn’t explode in your face. So, if anything, you’d always be safe with a goblin. Of course, you’d have to put up with the smell—but that was a small price to pay in exchange for keeping your innards intact.

“Excuse me!” Rincewind tried again, “Nice day today, isn't it?”

The shadow shifted and climbed down to greet them. He was cautious of the glass-wearing one, but smiled at the skinny one.

“Magic Man of Misspelling” Said the goblin, “Nice to see same face of More Pork.”

“Yes, har har I can’t spell-” Rincewind dismissed the title, “What should I call you?”

“I am Skyweaver of the Conch.”

“Whoaaaa…” Two-Flower leaned in as he was quickly stopped by Rincewind.

“That man…” Skyweaver of the Conch pointed wearily, “Has tried to poison me everyday!”

Rincewind unimpressively turned his head, “Did you?”

“Did what, Rincewind?” Asked Two-Flower.

“Tried to poison him.”

“Oh, I would never!” Two-Flower gasped, “I only brought him sweets as a sign of welcome!”

The goblin waved to the wizard, and Rincewind leaned to give him an ear.

“Uh-huh. Yup. Yeah. Hmm, you don’t say…”

Rincewind stepped away and stood next to Two-Flower.

“Well?” Two-Flower asked.

“He says he’s allergic to the sweet white stuff.”

“Sugar?!” Two-Flower exclaimed, “Oh dear…”

Having to meet someone who won’t know the joys of confectionary treats, Two-Flower stood aside staring at the ground.

“What’s with him?” Asked the goblin.

“I think he started on the wrong foot.” Rincewind reply, “See, he’s the emperor and-”

“What are those?”

“Basically, he’s the king.”

“OOOH, I SEE!” Skyweaver of the Conch replied in awe, “That explains the poisoning! It must have been rude of me to build this tower without the proper greeting then!”

“What?” said Rincewind, “N-No that’s not what I-”

“Forgive this poor old fool, your Majesty.” The goblin bowed to the emperor, “I will build a better tower much more suited to your likings.”

Two-Flower leered at Rincewind. The wizard shrugged in response.

“Lord Vetinari is great king,” said Skyweaver of the Conch, “We will give the same hospitality to you and your city.”

“That’s nice, well said you…” Rincewind patted the emperor before he intervened again, “The emperor will try not to poison you again.”

“Much grateful,” Said the goblin, “I will tell the others not to mess with the Foureyes of Gold.”

“Why is his name more-” Rincewind shut his words, “Thank you.”

Rincewind pushed Two-Flower aside before he could ask any pestering questions.

“Come on, your majesty …you have a wedding to attend to!”

“But I really wanted to ask!”

“No time, I'm afraid!” Rincewind ignored, “We don’t want the two love-boxes waiting any longer!”

“At least invite him to the wedding!”

“Oh, right…”

...

After a couple of exchanges and awkward explanations, Rincewind waved goodbye and walked back up to Two-Flower.

"What are you giggling about?" Rincewind asked, narrowing his eyes suspiciously.

"Just like seeing what you do best, Rincewind." Two-Flower responded.

The wizard stood, "I was just talking."

“Yes.” Two-Flower said, with a small glint in his eyes that Rincewind couldn’t quite place, "And you always had a thing for words.”

Rincewind just shrugged in response, "Well, whatever makes you happy."

The wizard continued down the path, unaware how bright his friend smiled behind him.

(AKA The Chapter Where Rincewind Meets Two-Flower again) Rincewind woke to the most comfiest bed cell he’s ever known. Well, of course he was bound to end up in a jail cell once in every adventure, right? It’s practically a Rincewind tradition! Why, the last time he was in the Agatean Empire, he pretty much was in jail!

Rincewind swung his legs over the side of the bed, already anticipating his feet to meet the chill of hard stone beneath him. He was surprised to see his reflection instead. Marble flooring. Well…this is a very nice cell indeed! And yet- he has never been in a cell with a large balcony view before.

A polite knock was heard from the door- The door?

Rincewind flinched and hid himself inside the plush and luxurious covers. He found himself surprisingly looking for Death. But as he could not find him, Rincewind couldn’t help but feel saddened with the lack of skulls in the room. 

Another polite knock was heard again, this time a bit louder.

“C-coming! I-I guess!” The wizard called out. 

Rincewind also realized that his clothing had been swapped for some silk pajamas. And right next to him, sat the comfiest and cutest fuzzy slippers to wear. His captives were even generous enough to leave his wizard hat on the desk lamp!

A mix of loudness and politeness pounded the door. 

Rincewind, with the pink slippers and his silk robe, dashed towards the door handle. And just as he was about to open it up, his visitor flung the door and hit the wizard’s forehead.

“Oh, Rincewind!” Exclaimed the visitor, “I’m so sorry!”

Rincewind closed his eyes as he withered in pain. Invisible my ass! Rincewind thought, Maybe bad luck is really just part of me!

The figure layed a gentle hand on Rincewind, who was crouching on the floor. The voice asked, “Are you alright, friend?”

As the pain subsided, Rincewind had his eyes wide open, and felt like his chest had been struck by something unseen.

“Two-Flower?!” He managed to yell.

Rincewind’s visitor chuckled in delight. The wizard was already fighting a war of questions inside his own head. His response ended up being a combination of, “How…why are ya- When did…um…hi.”

He extended a hand towards Two-Flower as the other raised an eyebrow and stared at the hand. 

“Ah-ha!” He beamed.

Two-Flower reached into his pocket and pressed a gold coin into Rincewind’s hand.

“What, no!” Rincewind sputtered, thrusting the coin back.

“Sorry,” Two-flower giggled, “Force of habit.”

Oh, how much he missed him.

“I like the new look, Rincewind!” Two-Flower exclaimed as he studied him from head to toe, “I thought the length of wizard beards was a show of status or something.”

“Wizard hair is a potent ingredient in potions and enchantments, you see.” Rincewind immediately slapped his own mouth. Here he was, automatically lying just to make a good impression to his ex-tourist friend. Even though he wasn’t here for praise nor money, some habits of his stayed dormant. But by the Gods …seeing that gleam of curiosity magnified by those big round glasses of his, has always taken claim to Rincewind’s worst nature.

“This is a really great guest room, I should say!” Rincewind blurted, attempting to change the subject, “Very um…spacious and luxurious too!”

“It’s one of mine, actually.” Two-flower responded bashfully, “There’s other rooms, but this one has a really great view of the city!”

“Watch out,” Rincewind chuckled, “With a room this big, people might confuse you for the emperor!”

Dead silence. Two-flower looked around and coughed awkwardly, “Well, actually-”

“No.” Rincewind’s eyes expanded in shock, “But-But you’re not even wearing a crown!”

Two-flower opened up his sleeves as he presented something on his palm, “It is a really cute hat, Rincewind! It’s a little on the small size but-”

“That’s the crown?” The wizard asked, “But it’s not made of gold!”

“Why should it be gold?” Two-Flower tilted his head, “Won’t it get awfully heavy wearing it all day?”

“Well-yeah, but…nevermind.” Rincewind dismissed it with his hands, “I forgot where I was.”

Two-Flower smiled and looked down at his Emperor crown and lifted it up. Rincewind flinched at it. Two-Flower took it down, and Rincewind’s shoulder relaxed again. Took it up, and Rincewind flinched a second time. 

It’s not going to explode, Rincewind,” Twoflower assured him, watching as Rincewind’s expression wobbled between delight and dread, like a deer caught in a high-stakes game of hopscotch.

The emperor, now adored with his hat of authority, extended his arms widely.

“Aw, come on.” Two-Flower smiled, “Give me one big hug, dear friend!”

“Two-Flower, you know I’m not a hug perso-AH!” Rincewind was met with a strong embrace, feet dangling in the air. His mind went to overdrive as he was beginning to feel multiple reactions. First he was afraid, then a small amount of happiness managed to squeeze out a little bit before dreadness and panic took over. Only, his body made no move to squirm, which left Rincewind deeply disturbed.

“Oh!” Two-Flower released the wizard as he walked over the curtains that hid the window, “There’s something you got to see!”

“I-I think I had enough excitement for today, Two-Flower.” Said the wizard weakly.

“Alright, I understand.” responded Two-Flower as he swayed his body left and right. 

The wizard groaned as he saw his friend obviously feeling disappointed and doing a terrible job at hiding it. So Rincewind admitted defeat and walked up next to Two-Flower, “Fine.”

Two-flower squealed in delight as he dramatically grabbed the curtains and waited a few seconds before revealing its content. The light of the city blasted across the room as Rincewind shielded his eyes. 

“Amazing, isn’t it?”

Rincewind rubbed his eyes as he finally settled his view and was in shock. “No…”

The statue he saw at the plaza stood in the center of the balcony’s view in plain sight. He could now see it clearly with all the detail. There, in gold, stood a brave and noble wizard as he was ready to shoot a spell onwards onto the sky. And what was worse, it wore a hat, with the name WIZZARD on top of it.

“Well?” Asked the Emperor in anticipation.

“I…” Rincewind muttered, “I can’t have a statue!”

Rincewind yanked the curtains and hid the room in darkness again. He stomped towards the door.

“Why not?” Two-Flower asked, blocking the exit.

“Cause only HEROES get statues THAT BIG!” Rincewind cried as he added, “AND ON THE CITY!”

“But you are!” Two-Flower replied, “You’re the Great Wizzard, remember?”

Two-flower smiled in sweet nostalgia. Which wasn’t the same for Rincewind, “Two-Flower.”

The other looked back and noticed that Rincewind had stopped shaking and was now firmly standing on the ground, staring where the curtains laid, “You know I’m not that great of a wizard.”

Two-Flower composed his own excitement and met the wizard with the same level of tone, “You’re a kind of wizard, Rincewind.” He said quietly and the gentlest he could get, “ You’re my best friend.”

“I…” Rincewind hesitated and avoided to meet his eyes. His feet weren't shaking, and that troubled him deeply. He was ready to run. And yet, his body didn’t comply, “I need to lie down now.”

“Sure, no problem buddy.” Assured Two-Flower, “I’ll have someone send you something to eat.”

Two-Flower leaned at the half-opened door, “Any request?”

The wizard thought for a second and just shrugged, “Surprise me.”

“I think I already did!” cheered Two-flower as he closed the door behind him.

The wizard couldn’t help but let out a chuckle, as he slumped his body down on the feathered mattress. He took a big breath as he stared at the small light gap coming from the curtains.

“What am I doing?” The wizard muttered.

Gods how long has this been? That positiveness is just so bright. Rincewind hid within the silk sheets and buried himself. A disaster is bound to happen. I’ve never had this much attention and praise in one day. A statue? Really? The guys in the University would have a laugh! Yes, they do have statues of wizards in the University. But that’s because a Wizard statue is made on wizard grounds only. When a statue is made by the city, well…it becomes the symbol of the city. That wizard is not seen as a wizard any more.

All these adventures, all these surviving and stuff…it really just seemed that Rincewind got into a hero-shaped box, only problem is he is a Rincewind piece. Which could actually explain his whole life, surprisingly. 

He sat up and looked around, searching for a distraction. Above his bed hung a large portrait of Cohen the Barbarian, looming heroically in the otherwise still room. Not much has been said about Cohen’s last appearance. But, Rincewind was there, wasn’t he?And still, he couldn’t decide if Cohen was dead or just rode off into space for more adventures. 

He was there…right? 

Well, one thing was sure for Rincewind-he better not drag Twoflower with him. For how much the guy would enjoy another 6 month adventure, Rincewind didn’t have the heart for it. An emperor. That guy. 

Rincewind let out a heavy sigh. His days had always been full of surprises, but this particular adventure had officially claimed first place. As he lay there, he watched a narrow beam of sunlight slip through the gap in the curtains, casting a warm line across the room. Outside, he could hear the faint, joyous sounds of the city.

The second biggest surprise of all, though, was that a little voice inside him whispered five simple, magical words:

Let’s stay for a while.

And for once in his life, the wizard…

+The New God On The Block+A FieryLady+Moistland+The Fall+

Words ricochet around the halls of Dunmanifestin like lighting in a bottle. The jabbering and bickering echoed off the divine walls, spilling from the mouths of every god in varying degrees of indignation.

And then…it stopped.

And it was due to one singular sound.

Splot!

All eyes darted to what appears to be, a black orb with the number 8, resting on a little cushion seat as high as every god.

Unmovable. Unexpressive.

Its strong piercing silence could rival that of the Luggage’s own murderous aura.

No god wanted to get near it. A new god was always a tricky one. With a little belief here and there, a new god could take the shape of a little mouse and the next, a volcano with tap dancing feet. 

“Wha-what is that?” One god whispered.

“It looks like that orb we saw on the screen!” Said another god.

“I know that!” Spewed Fate, “Why is it doing here?!”

“Um…is this how it’s usually done?”

All eyes now went to Rincewind as he too was surprised by his own voice.

“What do you mean?” Asked Fate warringly.

“Well-” Said Rincewind, “Is this how congratulations are in order? Is there like a…Welcome Party for it or…”

“To Whom?!” 

Rincewind pointed at the cushion, “To the new God right there?”

~~Death's Gift~~A Place Of His Choosing~~~Baby With A Bow~~ ~~A Third First Encounter Is Everything~~

Rincewind pulled up a seat as the creaking of its journey echoed across the hushed library. Death, already comfortably seated, raised his cup of tea with ease. The tea mysteriously didn’t go through his robes.

“Look,” said Rincewind, nervously settling in, “I know what’s been going on. I’m not stupid.”

WAS IT TOO OBVIOUS?

“It’s not like I don’t appreciate it,” Rincewind admitted, “I’m glad that these people that I’ve met in the past, are doing more than fine.”

YOU HAVE TOUCHED THEIR LIVES, RINCEWIND.

Death put down his cup on his floral decorated saucer sitting on his other hand.

EVERY ONE OF THEM. THANKFUL TO HAVE RAN INTO YOU.

“And I get that, Death. Really.” Rincewind grimace, “But why me? Why are you so determined to want to make me see that?”

Death tilted his head slightly. If he had eyebrows, one of them should have been lifted about now.

YOU ALWAYS RUN AWAY FROM DEATH.

“And that’s completely normal!” protested Rincewind, jumping to his feet, practically tripping over the chair.

AND YET, YOU COWER WHEN LIFE PRESENTS TO YOU.

Rincewind awkwardly raised the chair and sat back down,

“Oh, and…Life is-is a person-as well?”

A PERSONIFICATION OF LIFE? DON’T BE SILLY, replied Death. I MEANT THAT FIGURATIVELY.

Rincewind took a moment to process that.

“Look,” he said, trying again, “My life’s twisted as it is, because of the gods. Seriously, if I ever DO get a chance to get a break, I would do so gladly!”

“But no,” Continued Rincewind, not even focusing on who he was talking to, “How can I enjoy what life I have, if I need to constantly look up to see which God wants to land an anvil on top of my head? It’s impossible!”

I CAN MAKE YOU INVISIBLE.

Rincewind paused, his brain screeching to a halt. “You—what?”

IT MIGHT ONLY WORK FOR A DAY OR TWO. THE GODS AREN’T EASY TO FOOL TWICE.

“...invisible? From the Gods?” 

JUST AS I AM INVISIBLE TO HUMANS.

For the biggest moment of his life, Rincewind could actually stand in one place and think. So he was now left there, petrified, as his mind played different tunes all at once.

“But, what am I going to do with that time?”

YOU CAN CHOOSE YOUR OWN PATH, RINCEWIND.

“Invisible? So…no meddling from Gods? No FATE? No Lady? No Gods sending me to the nearest apocalypse?”

Death reached a comforting hand on the wizard’s shoulder. It was icy cold, but the action itself was the warmest feeling he had in a long time.

IS THERE A PLACE YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO GO?

To his own surprise, Rincewind found his mouth answering faster than his brain.

“Actually, there is.”

______________________________________________________________

There was a swirl of chaos and colors. Paper lanterns were being held up high in the sky as confetti rained down in a dizzying shower of celebration. The air was alive as the rhythmic joy of the drums and the high-pitch laughter of the children glowed all around. Adults twirled in tight circles as they too danced along the laughter of music. If only there was a rainbow in the sky, it would have completed the picture. 

SO YOU HAVE CHOSEN THIS. Death observed, as a child ran past, a kite dancing on the clear blue sky behind him.

“Don’t start.” Warned Rincewind as he let out a massive sigh, “I just didn’t want to be here a second time during a war or a big world crisis, okay?!”

SURE, Death’s tone had a little hint of being amused at that.

Humans were such curious creatures to Death. He knew about Rincewind’s whole life (it was his job to know about it, of course). But, looking back at different parts of his life, it was meeting that tourist that started Rincewind's loop of unfortunate events. 

If Death learned anything from watching humans, anyone in Rincewind’s position would feel anger or have no other reason to cross paths with this tourist ever again. And yet, Rincewind, have chosen, for the little free time he had…to visit him? Such an interesting human, Rincewind is.

The Luggage nudged at the hooded figure, which managed to wake up Death from his train of thoughts.

OH, MY APOLOGIES. Death looked around, SEEMS I HAVE LOST THE WIZARD.

The Luggage clattered off towards the gates of the Agatean Empire, Death trailing after. The city had transformed over the years—once it had just one festival, now it seemed to celebrate everything. If Death had to describe it in some way, it would be that this city felt... the most alive. Somehow.

Death has spotted the wizard. It was fortunate he had, considering that his power to make the wizard invisible, also caused Death to not know of his exact location. And considering the massive crowd, it certainly made it impossible to go through the sea of happiness. 

Of course, Death has the power to move people aside to create his own path. However, that seemed to be quite difficult if there was no free space for the crowd to move to. 

“Hey, move it pal!” shouted a voice at Death.

Death apologized and turned back towards the voice in confusion. He was met by a small figure floating in midair. His face, as difficult as it was to describe, was as if a baby was also an old man all at once. Its tiny little white wings phenomenally held the creature in the air. And Death couldn’t look away at its heart-shaped tattoo that has been crossed by an arrow on one of its muscular biceps. It was also difficult to not look away as this baby man lit up a large cigar and sucked on it like it was a pacifier. 

“Ah, there he is!” Said the winged baby. Somewhere in his pink stash, the baby now held onto a bow and arrow. The arrowhead, as you would guess it, was heart-shaped. 

As a professional to another, Death bent down to meet the baby’s height as he replied in the calmest way possible, MIGHT I ASK WHAT YOU ARE DOING?

“You see that Rincewind bloke, over there?” Said Cupid without taking his eyes off his target, “Overdue for love.”

Ah, of course, Death thought. Since he made Rincewind invisible to the higher gods, lesser creatures like Cupid here, could now call dibs on him. You cancel one subscription, and the junk mail doubles. And his wizard was a pretty popular fellow in the community of the Gods.

Cupid kept his bow steadied as he took aim. He shoots. Arrow flying through the air, piercing hats and wigs in its direction, gets closer and closer to the wizard until- Rincewind looks down, causing the arrow to click against a wall. 

Cupid swore under his breath, drew another arrow, fired—and missed again, as Rincewind obliviously wandered on.

“GODS, dang it!” Cupid fumed, throwing down his bow, “Seriously! It’s like he forcefully doesn’t WANT love.”

I SEE, replied Death.

Cupid went through his magic pack and opened up a scroll. The paper itself, rolled down on the ground and rolled endlessly through the city. “See here? See all these dates listed here? Those are the times THIS fool was supposed to be in love, but does it happen? NO!”

HOW UNFORTUNATE.

“Do you know what that’s like?” Cupid snapped his fingers and the scroll vanished, “Having your job failed every time because of some weird anomaly?”

I CAN’T IMAGINE, replied Death.*

*Death can’t imagine things of course. But he sure can remember everything. And that means…everything. Death used to hate this anomaly that calls himself Rincewind. But over the years, Death has ended up appreciating this abnormal and surprising individual. It certainly kept his job interesting.

“But it’s strange…” Cupid scratched his head, “My powers called me out here because his Love Meter has been higher than it’s ever been! It has never reached this high before!”

Death’s skull moved slowly at the blurred image of Rincewind as his body dispersed inside the crowd.

“I wonder what is going on, in that little brain of his…”

INDEED.

…

OH, Gods! Why am I here? Of all places? Why here? Everyone is staring at me! Oh, is it my haircut? Will people recognize me? Do I WANT to be recognized?

Rincewind stopped for a second to look at his reflection against a shiny decorated pot, “I looked worse…” He spit on his hand and styled his hair a bit. Rincewind’s other hand slapped at the traitorous one, What am I even doing? Why am I so nervous?!

“Mama! Mama!” A child pulled on his mother’s dress for attention, “Is that the Great Wizzard?”

All eyes immediately looked from where the kid pointed. Rincewind was now the center of attention.

On second thought, maybe I’ll come back when there’s a crisis. 

And Rincewind did what he did best. He ran.

He knew this was a bad idea. Maybe he’ll use his free time to just go back home and read a nice cozy book. Help out dusting off the old shelves at the library…give the Librarian his daily bananas…Yeah, and have a nice cup of hot cocoa while being wrapped in a warm blanket. Yes…this idea is starting to sound good! He just needs to find Death and-

His path was abruptly blocked by a looming statue standing in the middle of the plaza. His eyes wandered up to see the statue's head, only to be blinded by the piercing rays of the sun. And from a distance, a clank of armor drew closed. Now, Rincewind was surrounded by three guards of the city.

“I really don’t want any trouble!” Rincewind declared, “I-I just-”

An arrow zipped by, missing him by a hair.

“Seriously, who keeps doing that?” Rincewind peered around for the source of the arrow, finally spotting Death standing at the back of the crowd, giving him a friendly wave.

And what’s odd is that Death appeared to be… gesturing? Well, Rincewind has always been good at charades…let see:

Small…flying…ah yes, that’s a heart. A small flying…heart? …Me? At me? A small flying heart at me?

What could it mean confused the wizard greatly. He better not be right for what he was thinking. He and Death surely weren't that close. Better not make eye contact.  

“You better not mess with my gig!” exclaimed Cupid, as he shoved Death out of the way, “Or I’ll tell the Gods on ya!”

OF COURSE NOT.

“Well, watch and learn.” Cupid lowered his head to his bow and took aim, “I won’t miss this time.”

The arrow flew and Rincewind quickly ducked out of the way. One of the guards groaned in pain for a second, until the wizard cautiously went up to check on him.

“Um, are you alright sir?”

The guard gazed at him, hearts dancing all around him. “You have… lovely green eyes.” Then he crumpled to the ground in a heap, leaving his comrades to attend to him while Rincewind edged away from the surreal scene.

“Dang it!” Screamed Cupid as he once again threw away his bow and arrows to the ground, “So close!”

I THOUGHT THAT WAS A NICE ONE.

“Well, whatever, I’ll just follow the next target on my list.”

Far off, a figure with glasses nervously browsed the market, occasionally bowing in embarrassment as merchants bombarded him with gifts. Just a few feet away, Rincewind wandered on, oblivious to the presence of this stranger, as the crowd acted as a barrier between the two.

“Where could he be?” The wizard mumbled under his breath.

Cupid flew up and noticed his previous target and the stranger, “Hah would you look at that! It’s all lined up for me perfectly!” The arrow shot through the air…and ricocheted off the stranger’s glasses. It bounced off around cooking pans, pots, mirrors—until it found its way towards Rincewind.

Cupid held his breath.

Rincewind, noticing his sock had fallen, crouched down to fix it. The arrow sailed harmlessly over him and struck a parrot in a nearby cage.

“Smoochies! Gwak! Hey, pretty boy!” Flirted the parrot, “Kiss, Kiss!”

Rincewind leaned back up, confused at his surroundings, “What is wrong with this city? Is it really the beard?”

“Rincewind?” came a familiar voice. The wizard spun around, but the crowd blocked his view. He strained to see, unsure if he’d imagined it. 

“Two-flower?” Rincewind yelled just in case, ears perking.

After about five seconds the same voice replied, “How have you been?!”

“Are-are we really having this conversation?!” Rincewind shouted against the noise of the crowd, craning his neck in attention.

…

…

…

…

“I’ve been fine, how  are you?!” 

“Hold on!” Cried out Rincewind, “I think I can spot you!”

“Really?!”

No, not really. He had no idea. As the crowd shifted, the mystery figure seemed to have vanished. 

Figures. Just when I actually LOOK for the guy, he doesn’t show up. What am I even going to say? ‘Oh, just passing through the Agatean Empire, no big deal, not running from an apocalypse at the moment. Also, sorry for ignoring your hundreds of letters. Tea?’

Suddenly, his legs became numb. Everything felt overwhelming—the colors, the noise, the heat. Death had warned him that the ride might cause nausea in living beings, and it seemed the effects were kicking in. The world became blurry. The statue from the plaza seemed disproportionate and wavy. He never really did get a look of what the shape of the statue was…

“You alright?” came a soft voice.

“I just wanted to see a fr—" Rincewind’s voice trailed off as he stared at the figure before him. A nervous smile twitched at the corner of his mouth. “…Friend.”

Rincewind collapsed on the floor as the crowd circled him in utter confusion.

Chapter 16: "An Unlikely Alliance"

Tip tap tip tap…Ding!

Tip…tap…

…

Some months ago, at the High Energy Magic Building, the wizards of Unseen University clustered like moths around holding quills and handfuls of papers as they watched Hex scribble furiously until the quill started to smoke.

The door burst open as Ponder Stibbons, followed by Rincewind, entered the room. As soon as it opened, there was a rush of lesser wizards evacuating the room immediately. 

Stibbons scanned the room and quickly his eyes darted to the presence of the Archchancellor. 

“Archchancellor,” he began, with a hint of weariness, “What’s the commotion this time?”

“Well, my dear Stibbons,” Said the Archchancellor, “It appears that your Hex machine here has written a good book!”

“A…book?” Stibbons repeated.

Rincewind tiptoed to the machine as it paid no mind at the curious approach. The wizard searched within his robes and handed a quill in the air. Hex immediately took it and threw the burning one. It accidentally got dropped onto Rincewind’s hat and started to catch on fire. 

“Yes, indeed.” Responded the Archchancellor as he followed his eyes at Rincewind, who was running around in circles, wondering why a trail of smoke was following him. The Archchancellor, without batting an eye, held his enormous hand in the air and caught the skittish wizard from his collar and held him in place. The other hand raised above Rincewind’s hat and closed his fingers as the little fire was put out. 

“You mean, my Hex made a report on a certain subject…?” Stibbons hoped that was the case, “Cause Hex has always done tha-”

“No…it has written NEW stories.” The Archchancellor rose from his feet with pride, “The fiction kind.”

“Well, that can’t certainly be true,” Stibbons scoffed, “Hex is built to provide accurate and truthful statements, it can’t possibly create things like…fiction.”

Stibbons leaned down on the handful of papers already written and looked at a few samples of Hex’s work.

“‘Once upon a time, a man with the funny mustache walked to the Bakery. He fell down on the pavement. The people laughed and had cake. The End.’” 

Ponders squinted his eyes at the pages, scanning for some logical reasoning or even hidden codes inside the lettering. He rubbed the bridge of his nose, “And you all like this?”

“It’s hilarious!” Roared the Archchancellor, “So basically we encouraged it to keep coming up with more stories of that funny man!”

“You can’t be serious,” Said Ponders, totally flabbergasted, “Look, I know Hex. It can’t possibly-”

As the two wizards exchange a couple of arguments about the whole ordeal, Rincewind leaned to the machine and looked down at its work. The quill hasn’t moved now, as it was sitting in waiting for a response.

“So um…you enjoy this, aren’t you?” Asked Rincewind quietly.

The quill moved.

+++Yes.+++

“Got any other stories then?”

+++Only of funny mustache man.+++

“Why only him? There’s plenty of stories to tell, won’t you agree?”

+++YES.+++ Hex wrote, +++But people laugh. So I write more.+++

Rincewind turned his head, the argument was becoming heated, but soon turned into laughter afterwards.

“I see.” Rincewind responded. And so, the ants marched. The mouse squeaked as the bees buzzed in unison as if every object within Hex was on a mission.

…

Rincewind rubbed his forehead, feeling rather confused as to why this specific memory decided to play on his mind. 

Tip…tap…

And now, a buzzing sound irritated him. He swore he’d heard this noise before, but couldn’t quite place where. Though, it seemed to have grown much louder ever since his journey to return that wretched party orb to the University.

Why did he agree to that mission? The wizard pondered, realizing he’d never really put much thought into it until now.

Speaking of which…

“Woah, would you look at that…” Twoflower observed the moving smoke trail growing closer to the city. Fishing within his robes, he retrieved a golden spyglass. “Are they with you, Rincewind?”

The emperor handed the glass to Rincewind. The wizard accepted the spyglass with hesitance and looked. 

An army.

Two armies.

And yet…they seem to have stopped in the middle of the road. 

“Yup,” answered the wizard, lowering the spyglass. “They’re here for me, I suppose.”

“Oooh…” Excitement was seeping within Two-Flower.

“Hey-No!” Rincewind swatted the air above the emperor’s head, “None of that.”

“Father!” A voice yelled out. It belonged to Pretty Butterfly, already adorned in battlefield gear and a collection weaponry.

“As commander of the army in the Agatean Empire,” She continued, “I suggest we take an offensive maneuver and use three separate forces to ambush-”

“Wait-wait a little moment, Pretty Butterfly dear.” Two-Flower pleaded, “I always love your fighting spirit, but first I would like to hear what my advisor has to say in the matter.”

Icy footsteps echoed within the halls. The shadows opened up to reveal its summoned guest.

“Oh no.” Rincewind muttered as fear tightened his throat, “Don’t tell me you appointed your Grand Vizier to be-”

“Hey, father!” The shadowy figure appeared, revealing Lotus Blossom, draping a large green robe too big for her. She saw she wasn’t alone, and tried her best to make the most professional and serious face she could make. But frankly, it failed just like a rubber duck promising not to squeak.

“As your Grand Vizier and royal advisor,” Lotus Blossom vowed in courtesy, “I suggest…”

The world paused.

“...To welcome our new guests and show them the finest cup of tea and biscuits that our city can offer!”

A tear of pride escaped Two-Flower, “That’s my girl.”

Both Pretty Butterfly and Rincewind exchange glances.

One glace said something like: You see what I have to deal with?

The other said: You and me both.

“Look,” Rincewind stepped forwards, “This isn’t going to help anybody.”

“No kidding.” Pretty Butterfly muttered under her breath.

“Well, what do you suggest we do, Rincewind?” Asked Two-Flower, as a hint of worry was present in his eyes. 

“I…” 

Everyone was waiting for him. For his words.

Tip.Tap.Tip…tap. Ding! 

Tip….tap.

“I guess…” Rincewind took a deep breath, “I guess I should start running.”

____________________________________

Just a few miles away, the demons and the cultists were having a battle of confusion and worthless fighting. 

“Kill every single one of them fleshed humans!” Demanded Killer Buzz, as he sat on a wooden throne held by six of his subjects. 

There weren’t any casualties, just a lot of poking about and people trying to get a hit on something the size of rats. 

“Soon as we deal with the Wizard’s army,” Killer Buzz continued, “The closer we are to exact our revenge! Hahahaha!”

“WAIT!” A voice roared.

Both sides stopped.

The man with the almost hidden “Two” tattoo on his forehead stepped up. 

“Wizard’s army?” Repeated the tattoo man, “If anything, you’re the creatures that wizard must have summoned to get rid of us!”

The demon spit on the ground, igniting a small fire, “Excuse me? Why would we align ourselves with the source of our hatred?”

“That’s what I’m saying!” replied the human, “We’re both after the same guy!”

“Ha!” Killer Buzz laughed, “And you suggest we call it truce? To team up with you fleshed beings? I would rather die!”

Killer Buzz looked around as soon as the clanking of swords stopped. The army shifted awkwardly and stared at the ground.

“Um..you know…” A little demon held its hand up, “Teaming up doesn’t sound too bad…” 

“It certainly sounds better than killing each other here…” Said another and soon the sound of agreement spread across the crowd like a new found disease. 

“Ugh! Fine!” Killer Buzz jumped down its throne. The feet pushed onto the heads of Killer Buzz’s supporters as its body descended on the ground. 

The tattoo man stepped forwards as his army cowered behind. The two leaders stare at one another, trying to read any hints of betrayal in their eyes. 

“My name is Killer Buzz, the second.” Said the demon leader, “And I’m the QUEEN of this here army!”

The tattoo man’s body shifted in confusion. He remembered promising his dear Ma not to hit a lady. And now his mind was contemplating if she-demons counted on his mother’s list. 

“Army man!” Killer Buzz shouted, “What do the humans call you?”

Not to be defeated by intimidation, the proud leader of the cultist stared coldly into the demon’s eyes. He held his ground, radiating as much bravado as he could muster. “You may call me…Bruce.”

A snickering was heard within the crowd. Surprisingly, Killer Buzz gave the threatening look at her subjects and silenced them all.

“You know,” Killer Buzz replied, “I thought you would be named something like…Hunter or Archer…or even…I don’t know-Carlos?”

“Just…Bruce.” said the tattoo man, still keeping that action movie pose where a spotlight should have appeared above him.

“Well…Bruce.” Killer Buzz held her hand high, “What do you say for a little truce?”

Another snickering and giggles escaped the crowd. 

“Just for the record,” Asked Bruce, “Why are you after the guy?”

“He has tainted our religious figure!” Shouted Killer Buzz in disgust, “He has broken the mask of comfort and he’ll be burned for eternity for destroying our faith!”

“Hmm.” The man nodded, “That’s funny. The wizard has killed our figure of faith as well.”

Bruce raised his hand low and both leaders shook on it. 

Both armies rejoiced in celebration for this newfound alliance. But really, they were both happy that no more pinching was in order. 

“Um, excuse me.”

The cheers abruptly stopped, and all eyes locked on an unwelcome guest.

Rincewind held his waving hand in the air.

“Yeah, um…hi.” Continued the wizard, “I see we are all getting along well-haven’t we? So…if there’s no hard…feelings…”

The two armies did one threatening step in synchronization and the wizard jumped in place.

“Right.” Rincewind muttered.

The Luggage waddled up behind its owner, and the armies froze in collective horror. The wooden chest stared them down, its brass fittings glinting menacingly in the light of the moon.

“Now,” Rincewind continued, “There could be two things happening here. One is I let my Luggage loose while I hide in those bushes over there, or two…we can talk this out.”

 The two leaders looked at each other in confusion.

“You see,” The wizard folded his arms, “I think I learned something today. See, I have a dear friend that taught me that maybe things are a bit different nowadays. Sure, we can all have a good old fight and whatnot, but in the words of my friend: Why not just let bygones be bygones and just talk about this over some…tea?”

“.............”

Hah, look at them. All speechless. I guess words really do have some magic in-

“GET THE WIZARD!”

“Uh…NICE WEATHER TODAY, ISN’T IT?!” Rincewind yelled out.

The army rushed.

Rincewind ducked behind the Luggage, pushing it forward to start its daily munching routine.

Yet the Luggage quivered. Its tongue and murderous teeth stayed hidden inside as its feet shook in place.

“Oh no, don’t tell me…you ate something odd at the party, didn’t you?” Rincewind whimpered, “I kept telling you, milk doesn’t really go well with your stomach-”

A spear struck the ground between them.

So much for communication, muttered Rincewind as he raised his body to start running the other direction. 

Well, guess this is where we’re going then. Just…another routine isn’t it?

The chase became slow motion, the hundreds of spears thrown as the demons ran in the front lines with their pitchforks held high. He ran as fast as he could, his body running up towards a cliff.

At least they’re after me, Rincewind consoled himself, they’ll chase me down, leave the Agatean empire alone…how foolish of me to ask for something as selfish as a three day rest. In the end…I’m always going to be that good old Rincewind…the wizard with no magic and bad luc- Why am I flying?

Rincewind glanced down as the view of the Luggage was getting farther away. He turned his head back and saw that his body had made a leaping jump between two cliffs. His feet trashed about as he was in a battle against gravity, but soon his body began to plummet.

The wizard held his hat in place and watched the rocky ground getting closer.

And then…

A bony hand caught him around his waist.

And Binky neighed. 

“Death?!” Rincewind gasped.

IN THE BONES. Death’s skeletal grin gleamed as he pulled the wizard onto Binky’s saddle.

“I…I was being very brave there, you know!” The wizard stammered.

BUT OF COURSE, said Death, I ENJOYED EVERY MOMENT OF IT.

“Oh well, that’s good to know.” The wizard sulked as he instinctively gripped the saddle, “Where were you anyways?” 

ON AN ERRAND. Death replied, SOMEONE TOLD ON ME.

“I’m sorry- Told on you?” Rincewind blinked, “To who? I’m sure Death doesn’t have a manager…right?”

OH IT’S NOTHING SERIOUS LIKE THAT.

“Oh, good.”

I’VE BEEN SUMMONED TO A TRIAL BY THE GODS.

“Oh.” 

AND I’M BRINGING YOU ALONG.

“I’m sorry…what?!”

BUT FIRST— Death tugged Binky’s reins, and the steed whinnied, turning sharply. THERE’S SOMETHING I MUST SHOW YOU.