#twingrief

After Losing My Twin

It’s been three years since I lost my twin, and I still find some parts of the experience difficult to explain.

Grief does not unfold in the same way for everyone. Within families, members often cope differently after a loss. Some create distance from what happened, avoiding painful reminders or difficult emotions. Others remain close to the experience, trying to come to terms with and understand their loss.

My experience feels different.

Part of that is because a twin relationship begins at conception and continuously exists that it becomes deeply woven into a person’s sense of self. Because of that, the loss can feel less like losing someone outside yourself – and more like living with the absence of someone who had always been part of your internal world.

While others may naturally experience more distance over time, I still experience a strong sense of closeness emotionally and psychologically to my twin. That doesn't mean I'm unable to move forward, nor does it diminish anyone else’s grief or love. It's simply part of how I continue to live with the loss.

At the same time, my life continues. I can function while still carrying that ongoing connection internally. These realities are not contradictory.

For me, the connection to my twin didn't disappear with her passing. It changed, but it remains part of how I experience myself and my life on my own.

We were brought up as “twins,” not “sisters” – and that's the difference. We moved through life simultaneously; where my twin went, I went. We lived duplicate lives: wearing the same clothes, going to the same school, same classes, sharing the same friends.

Part of the difficulty in explaining twin loss is that the bond was never experienced as entirely separate from my own sense of self in the first place.

That is not a refusal to move forward. It's simply the form this loss takes with me.

About the Author

Ilana Estelle is an author and writer, and the founder of The CP Diary. Born with something she didn’t know she had, later learning it was cerebral palsy, and then ten years after – also being diagnosed with autism, she has turned personal adversity into a powerful platform for awareness, reflection, and change. Through her writing, Ilana inspires readers to explore resilience, mindfulness, and what it means to live authentically, no matter the challenges.

Looking for inspiration and honest reflection? Visit The CP Diary for daily insights. To explore Ilana’s books and resources, head to her author page and discover how her journey can support your own.

Losing my twin has been deeply distressing and has had a profound impact on me, as I am not only experiencing the grief of losing her, but I am also grappling with my own identity and sense-of-self as a twin and finding a place without her.

Twin set

For those who are part of the twin set, they will know twin loss is particularly challenging, because it disrupts the unique dynamic and connection that twins share.

Self-care is essential

I know that taking care of my own well-being is crucial. Grief can be physically and emotionally draining, so prioritising my self-care and relaxation is important, whether it's practicing mindfulness, or nurturing my own well-being, that allows me to find my own place in this world without her.

My twin has found her peace

It has been a year and my twin has found her peace in the spirit realm; the peace she craved here, now without her I need to find mine. It's not guilt I feel, but I do have to find a way to live my life comfortably and for the first time without her. Grieving is a gradual journey. There are days when I struggle to put one foot in front of the other.

Through my writing, I would like to continue to hold space for her in my heart and incorporate her memory into my life. Keeping her spirit alive continues to provide comfort and a sense of continued connection.

I need to give myself time and to make peace with the fact that she is no longer here.

For Sheila x

We were different from other twins through our upbringing, which didn't work for us. My twin and I led independent and separate lives, not through choice, but the twin bond was always there.

Losing my twin is painful

Losing my twin a year ago, is a painful, difficult and overwhelming experience. There is a permanent silence, a void without her. A void that is important I talk about. I am allowing myself to grieve, I need to place and work through our lives together; I need to give myself time to heal and to find my new normal.

My twin was my security Being a twin provided me with a sense of security and although we had separate lives, there was an automatic companionship there. We were there in the background for each other. We didn't have to try in that respect. Now without my twin and for the first time, I feel scared and lonely. She was a constant presence in my life. She was the other half of me.

I am scared Through writing I have become more confident in myself. Losing my twin has knocked that, but I also know I am capable of navigating my life on my own. Truth be told I am scared. I need time to work out how to do that and that will take time, made harder because I'm doing it without her in the pandemic.

My blog brings a sense of acceptance being able to talk about her, about these things. Losing her is harder because I deal with a mental disability. I have no personal access to her through dreams, and without a presence, means the silence and void has become even greater.

An opportunity for growth While it is challenging, I know it can also be an opportunity for personal growth and self-discovery. I need time.