#tw09

Ianto shrugged. ‘Not really. Well, it is, kind of. I’ve been remembering working at a supermarket while I was at university. I can remember the prices of everything. From tinned peas to cereals. Every single brand. It’s not terribly helpful, but it’s allowed me to work out the true rate of inflation.’

Ianto stared at him, horrified. ‘Oh. I hope not. Am I? How can I tell?’

‘Wikipedia,’ Jack tutted. ‘Wikipedia.’

‘It’s just… Look, can we sort this out before I have to find out?’

‘Are you lactating?’ Jack wore an expression of dangerous interest.

‘I assure you, you would be the last person to know if I was.’ Ianto moved into a corner.

‘Is that what’s been different about the coffee?’ Jack laughed.

Ianto snapped the elastic band off of a new batch of leaflets about an organic jam activity centre. He pinged the band expertly at Jack’s ear. The Captain clapped his hands over the ear and gave Ianto a pout.

‘Would you like me to rub it better?’ Jack was always smooth.

Ianto glanced sharply at him. ‘Jack, it really itches. Maybe it’s this top. I swear it’s a poly-cotton mix, but the label says no. But then what kind of fool trusts a label? “Dry clean only”! I wasn’t born yesterday.’

‘You are such a princess.’

‘Well yes, obviously.’ Ianto was lost in thought.

Jack carefully didn’t say anything. Ianto examined the intricate walnut inlay of the table surface.

‘Too good to be true?’ Jack smiled broadly. ‘It’s the twinkle in my eye.’

‘Not exactly, no,’ said Gwen, carefully. ‘I just don’t think you’d do your best work.’

‘Are you kidding? I’d be brilliant.’

‘I’m sure you would, Jack,’ said Gwen patiently. ‘But I don’t think we’d learn anything. You’d just walk out of there with a pile of phone numbers, some broken hearts and a hickey.’

‘That would be from Ianto,’ sighed Jack. ‘Too much of the teeth.’

Almost Perfect by James Goss (Torchwood Novels #9)