#tw.vent

Wanna make cg headcannons for him but I'm a terribleee writer so I'll just stick to moodboards ig :')

The only emotions I know too well are anger, sadness and jealousy. I know what it feels like when my head seems to be on fire, when I feel like I could shout for hours, when with the blaze my reason turns to ash. I know the feeling of an ongoing gut punch, a black hole in my center and my brain resigning to drown. I know the pang of pain in my chest and the tears burning in my eyes as I do my best to level my breathing not feel it, not show it, it doesn't affect me, I am not feeling it.

I know what the low lows feel like, I couldn't begin to describe how the highs are supposed to feel like. I try to observe my body, try to figure out what it is feeling. We just ate my favourite snack, is there a feeling, is there supposed to be something? We just got complimented about something we worked hard for, is there something besides a small smile that I'm supposed to do? Supposed to feel? What will it take? Should I move? Should I clean my apartment? Should I go for a walk? Will I feel something? Will it feel lighter than numbness? Can I please feel something again?

...and every now and then, I reblog my blog rules with the DNI/BYFs included:

*updated AFTER this incident 🙇🏻‍♀️

...and yet some of y’all just couldn’t follow simple, BASIC blog rules 🤦🏻‍♀️

Tw//plagiarism and mild vent under the cut

Feel free to skip this ( I dont know how to add the 'read more' thingy on my phone, my apologiez)

1. Few weeks before my birthday in early december, I told my friends that I usually hate my birthdays and therefore dont have any plans for that day. Just treat it like any other day. They made a big deal about it and wanted me to make plans with them and drink with them, play games etc etc. (Online friends) We talked about it couple of times before the day came, everyone still on board for a game night. On my birthday, I got no message from anyone. Nor the day after. Nor the day after that. Nothing. I, once again, was dissapointed on my birthday and want to celebrate it even less.

2. I heard nothing from them on christmas either. Nor new year for that matter. I reached out multiple times and if I was lucky, I got a reply days later. Saying that they're busy with family and friends etc. Dont get me wrong, I definitely understand, holidays are busy. But what I do see is that on discord it says that they've been playing minecraft for 8hours, three days in a row.

3. I talked to them about this, that I get it that people get busy, but please let me know if you cant make it to something we've planned etc. and that I'd appreciate still being included in things, and escpecially now that Im mentally struggling a lot. They tell me that I expect too much and cant expect them to reach out to me all the time ( even if it's me reaching out to them 85% of the time).

4. I've been there for them thru thick and thin, but now Im too needy for needing some reassurance or someone to talk to or someone to reach out to me as my depression is taking over my abolity to do that? Am i really asking for too much? I just dont understand where things went wrong. When I suddenly stopped being important to them? Enough for them to lie to me?

Im just tired of people.