#tw;miscarriage

“How much do you charge an hour for this sort of thing?”

[Text] Yes.[Text] Demi, she had a fucking miscarriage only a few weeks ago. Her mood's been all over the place, please just leave her alone about this...

Valentina woke up in the middle of the night from a sharp pain, she wasn’t sure what was going on. “Alexander..” She nudged her husband of three years as she sat up. “It hurts..” she stated then winced in pain once again when the pain returned. Valentina removed the covers off of her then looked down at the blood that was between her legs. Tears filled her eyes when she saw the sight. 

I haven’t much spoken about this on my blog, because it is difficult and painful to go into detail.  However, up until recently, my city was one of two capitals in this country which would NOT allow single/same-sex women access to sperm donations through clinics unless there was fertility issues. IT broke my heart - it meant that I had to go through a known donor and use self-insemination or worse...sleep with someone. Now, I’m also asexual  for a start, and my only male friends in the country? One is gay the other is one of my oldest best-friend’s fiance. Helllll no. I adore him, but nowhere near in THAT way and that would just be awkward. I will admit, I did ask my friend (for donor ONLY, obviously) and we’ve discussed it briefly - but that’s as far as it’s gone, and I’m not brave enough to bring it up to ask again, so I went onto a program that it country set-up where you basically meet up with willing donors and there’s no sex allowed. It didn’t work out too well, and when it did...I miscarried in January at 6 weeks and it was emotionally hell. It still is. Because it was my fourth child loss. At the moment, it’s suspected I have endometriosis and I am on a waiting list for a laparoscopy. Which could take about 6 months. Which means....pain. Lots and lots of pain until the surgery (so no, the person who will probably probably see this and has been refusing answer their phone, I’m not taking the painkillers for “fun” like you’re freaking out about). If it turns out that it’s NOT endometriosis - which I hope not, because it can cause a world of problems for fertility even WITHOUT pain on top, the new legislation changes have probably saved me a shitload of grief. Because they are now ACCEPTING single women and same-sex lesbian couples for sperm donations! Just like they do in the U.S. The old legislation stated that one of the women in that same-sex relationship HAD to be declared infertile. A single woman who wanted fertility assistance ALSO had to be infertile. Shoot, single women aren’t even allowed to ADOPT in this country. I am so damn happy right now that I’m crying. It means that I can get the medical support needed through it all without just going through my GP and “guessing” I’m doing it right. Yes, self-insemination is cheaper. Yes, you can do it from your own home...but to be given the access of specialists to be successful QUICKER, regardless of my fertility status - is such a relief. More than anything I can explain.  When it all boiled down to it, even the second man I’d met through the aforementioned “non-clinic” program was lovely and understanding...I realized myself that I just didn’t feel right actually “meeting” these people face-to-face. It was too awkward. My male friend, I trust him more than anything - he would have been the one exception and I have known him since I was a pre-teen. But strange men that I was just meeting up with for the PURPOSE of becoming pregnant? It just seemed wrong in the end - and I had resigned myself to just giving up. Tonight’s news was probably the best news I have been given for months...I have a tiny tiny spark of hope again. And though I am terrified to have surgery (I have never even had stitches) I don’t feel 99.9% hopeless...perhaps it’s at about 90% now. But that 10% is a lot for me... And the fact that this news was given to us only the day before my twin daughters’ birthday...is almost like another miracle.