Thinking about pre-empt Sherlock being awake and upset in the middle of the night trying furiously to learn how to tie a tie as perfectly as possible by himself because he has spiralled to the point where he believes that John wouldn’t and shouldn’t help him with it in the future (while juggling with the possibility that he might not ever wake up which has been made starkly more worrying and likely-seeming by the spiralling), not out of malice but because Sherlock would stop him because he still believes he has failed him but he has too many things on his mind and his hands are shaking and he just can’t so it leaves him with his eyes maddeningly empty of tears and slightly glazed over, bleakly questioning his worth and the intellect which he and his peers place so much importance on which brings him back to believing that he doesn’t deserve to be close to the people he loves
