#turtle races

now im picturing them in like, those onesies? (idk how to spell that) but basically them dressed up as turtles, full on racing each other. 

thats a hard one. im gonna say vince. mainly because ive picked carter for literally everything else. 

BELMAR: MARY’S TIME A One-Act Play by ChatGPT based on BELMAR stories from ‘Conflict and Scotch’ blog by Al DeLuise (Originally set in 1984) CHARACTERS AL Late 20s/early 30s. Observant, dry, steady in a storm. HARRY Same age range. Loud, confident, relentlessly joyful. JEN Same. Sharp, witty, protective of tomorrow. MIKE Same. Practical, anxious, believes in rules. DAVE Same. Friendly chaos. Earnest. Unreliable. BARTENDER Any age. Fast, unflappable, seen it all. DJ Voice only (or onstage at a booth). A hype man with authority. BAR CROWD Ensemble (4–12), also covers SMALL ROLES as needed. SETTING Mary’s Husband’s Pub, Belmar, New Jersey. Summer weekend night. The world is 1984: no cell phones, no texting, no glowing screens. People communicate by shouting, pointing, writing on napkins, and disappearing for long stretches with no explanation. STAGE A single set that stays Mary’s the entire play. Upstage: A DJ booth (or a small platform with a microphone and speakers). Stage Left: The main BAR with stools. Stage Right: A few HIGH-TOPS. Downstage Center/Right: A folding table with a cheap plastic TURTLE TRACK. (Keep it visible even when not in use. It’s a totem.) Neon beer signs. A jukebox or wall speakers. A chalkboard with specials. The floor looks sticky. The air is loud and warm. TIME A Friday night into early Saturday morning, continuous. NOTE ON SOUND The bar is never silent. Music plays under most scenes. When the DJ speaks, music dips slightly so the words are clear. Crowd noise can swell and fall like surf. AT RISE Music. BAR CROWD occupies the room: laughing, flirting, arguing, dancing in place, leaning on the bar, moving through the aisles. BARTENDER works with practiced speed. The TURTLE TRACK sits empty. Lights up. SCENE 1 (An entrance from upstage. AL, HARRY, JEN, MIKE push in together, shoulder to shoulder, as if the crowd is a physical force.) AL We’re really doing this again. HARRY It’s Friday. That’s not a question, that’s a law. JEN I can smell the floor already. MIKE I can feel tomorrow already. (They approach the bar. BARTENDER looks up without smiling.) BARTENDER IDs. HARRY We’re thirty. BARTENDER Then you should have them. (AL, JEN, MIKE produce wallets. HARRY produces his like a magician.) AL Here. JEN Here. MIKE Here. HARRY Here. (BARTENDER checks quickly, hands them back.) BARTENDER What’ll it be? HARRY Shots. MIKE Beer. JEN Something that doesn’t make me hate myself. AL Something that makes me forget my name for a few minutes. BARTENDER So. Beer and shots. JEN Vodka soda. MIKE Light beer. HARRY Whatever’s cold and honest. AL Whatever you’d recommend to someone with poor judgment but good intentions. BARTENDER You’re in the right place. (HARRY takes that as praise.) HARRY That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me. (The DJ’s voice booms. The CROWD responds.) DJ (V.O.) BELMAR! ARE YOU ALIVE IN HERE? BAR CROWD WOOOO! MIKE It’s not even nine. HARRY Time is a social construct. Mary’s is a different country. JEN A country with no indoor voice. AL And no consequences. (BARTENDER sets drinks down with a practiced thud.) BARTENDER Here. (They lift glasses.) HARRY To Belmar. MIKE To surviving Belmar. JEN To not making any new enemies tonight. AL To not making any promises tonight. (They drink.) DJ (V.O.) TURTLE RACES IN TEN MINUTES! GET READY! (HARRY snaps toward the turtle track table like a hunting dog.) HARRY Yes! JEN I hate that you get excited about that. HARRY You hate joy. That’s your whole brand. JEN My brand is “I don’t trust anything that can be purchased with a bucket.” MIKE Why are they racing turtles in a bar? AL Why are we here? MIKE To unwind. AL Exactly. Same answer. (They shift toward a high-top, gathering themselves and their drinks. The CROWD keeps moving around them.) AL (CONT’D) Where’s Dave? MIKE He said he had to “grab one thing.” JEN That’s Dave-speak for “I’ll return as a different person.” HARRY He’ll show. He always shows. AL How do you know? HARRY Because the shore never lets anyone go. (They drink. Music swells.) SCENE 2 (At the high-top. The DJ and CROWD energy rises as turtle race time approaches. A CROWD MEMBER waves cash near the turtle table. Another points at the track.) HARRY I’m telling you, the turtle races are the purest form of sport. No politics. No scandals. Just a tiny animal and destiny. JEN And drunk people screaming at a reptile. HARRY Exactly. Democracy. MIKE I don’t want to bet on a turtle. HARRY Everyone wants to bet on a turtle. They just don’t know it yet. AL I’m not betting. HARRY That’s not allowed. AL Watch me. JEN Al. Your self-control has a two-drink warranty. AL I’m on drink one and I already feel the warranty expiring. (BARTENDER passes, collects empties, leaves fresh napkins. It’s a small act of caretaking in a chaotic ecosystem.) BARTENDER You want a tab? MIKE Yes. HARRY No. JEN Yes. AL Put it all on Mike. MIKE Absolutely not. HARRY Put it on future us. Future us has money. JEN Future us is going to be furious. DJ (V.O.) FIVE MINUTES! TURTLES TO THE FRONT! MIKE How does he make everything sound like the Super Bowl? AL Because he’s committed to the bit. JEN Imagine being that certain about anything. HARRY I’m that certain about turtles. MIKE That’s not helpful. HARRY It’s spiritual. AL I used to come here and think, “This is chaos.” Now I come here and think, “This is familiar chaos.” JEN Comfort chaos. MIKE Comfort chaos is still chaos. AL Yeah. But it has a barstool. (HARRY drains his drink, sets it down with purpose.) HARRY All right. We pick. MIKE Pick what? HARRY Our destiny. JEN Our regret. AL Our tiny, slow-moving disappointment. HARRY Come on. (They move toward the turtle table as the CROWD surges.) SCENE 3 (Downstage at the TURTLE TABLE. The DJ becomes a ringmaster voice. The CROWD forms a loose circle. The turtle track is center of attention.) DJ (V.O.) ALRIGHT! TURTLES ARE READY! TURTLE ONE! TURTLE TWO! TURTLE THREE! TURTLE FOUR! PLACE YOUR BETS! MIKE Oh my God. There they are. AL Tiny. Majestic. Questionable. JEN They look bored. HARRY They look focused. MIKE How do you even pick? HARRY You feel it. You look into their little eyes and you see destiny. AL They don’t have destiny. They have a plastic track and a crowd problem. HARRY Turtle four. JEN You always pick four. HARRY Because four has heart. MIKE I’ll pick turtle two. JEN I’ll pick turtle three. AL I’ll pick none. HARRY That’s not allowed. AL Fine. Five dollars. HARRY Ten. AL Five. HARRY Ten. (JEN leans toward AL, calm and lethal.) JEN If you don’t bet ten, he’ll talk about it for a decade. AL Fine. Ten. HARRY Thank you. The turtle gods smile upon you. MIKE Please stop saying turtle gods. DJ (V.O.) ON YOUR MARK! GET SET! BAR CROWD WOOOO! DJ (V.O.) GO! (The CROWD erupts into shouting. Actors can overlap here; the goal is noise.) HARRY TURTLE FOUR! MOVE! JEN TURTLE THREE! DO SOMETHING! MIKE Come on, two. Come on— AL Turtle one isn’t even participating. HARRY FOUR! FOUR! JEN THREE! THREE! MIKE TWO! TWO! DJ (V.O.) AND THE WINNER IS—TURTLE THREE! (JEN throws her hands up. HARRY collapses in disbelief. MIKE looks offended by the laws of nature. AL just nods.) JEN Yes! HARRY No! MIKE That’s not possible. AL The universe loves irony. JEN Pay me. HARRY We don’t pay you. The system pays you. JEN You are the system. HARRY The system is broken. AL The system is a turtle track in a bar. MIKE I can’t believe I just screamed at a turtle. JEN Welcome to Belmar. (BARTENDER passes behind them, deadpan.) BARTENDER Congrats. JEN Thank you. HARRY Rematch. JEN Absolutely not. SCENE 4 (Back at the bar. They’re slightly breathless. The music returns to full. The CROWD is invigorated by the outcome as if it mattered.) BARTENDER Another round? HARRY Yes. MIKE Water. JEN Water. AL Beer. HARRY And a shot. JEN No. (BARTENDER looks to JEN; respects the “no.”) BARTENDER No shots. HARRY Traitor. JEN I’m preserving tomorrow. HARRY Tomorrow isn’t real. JEN Tomorrow is extremely real and it wakes up at six forty-five. AL That’s the scariest sentence anyone’s said in this bar. MIKE Where’s Dave? AL Still missing. JEN He’s not missing. He’s adventuring irresponsibly. HARRY He’ll come back. He always comes back. JEN Like a rash. AL Like a boomerang with anxiety. MIKE I’m going to the pay phone. AL There’s a pay phone? MIKE There’s always a pay phone. (He gestures toward an offstage corner. He starts to go.) JEN Tell his mother he died heroically. MIKE I’m not calling his mother. JEN Then call the house. MIKE The house doesn’t answer. AL Because the house is also drunk. MIKE I’m trying anyway. (MIKE exits toward the pay phone area. The others remain.) DJ (V.O.) ROUND TWO! TURTLES BACK UP FRONT! HARRY Round two. Redemption. JEN Round two. Fraud. AL Round two. We pretend we’re in control again. (HARRY grins. JEN rolls her eyes. AL follows them back toward the track.) SCENE 5 (At the TURTLE TABLE again. The CROWD circle reforms quickly, like instinct.) MIKE (re-entering, frustrated) Pay phone ate my quarter. JEN That’s Belmar calling collect. MIKE Nobody answered the house anyway. AL Because Dave isn’t there. HARRY Because Dave is on a quest. JEN Because Dave is lost. HARRY All right. We pick smarter this time. JEN I picked perfectly last time. HARRY That was luck. JEN Everything here is luck. MIKE Fine. Turtle four. HARRY Great choice. MIKE You picked four. HARRY Great minds. JEN I’m picking turtle one. AL I’m picking turtle two, and I’m not yelling. HARRY You’ll yell. DJ (V.O.) ON YOUR MARK! GET SET! GO! (They yell.) HARRY FOUR! MIKE FOUR! JEN ONE! AL Two. Do something. DJ (V.O.) AND THE WINNER IS—TURTLE FOUR! (HARRY and MIKE explode with victory. JEN groans. AL accepts fate.) HARRY Yes! MIKE Yes! AL Great. The universe corrected itself. HARRY Drinks on the winnings! MIKE We won ten dollars. HARRY Exactly. JEN That won’t cover the ice in our water. (They drift back toward the bar.) SCENE 6 (At a high-top. The bar feels later now: louder, hotter, looser. The CROWD looks a little more ungoverned.) MIKE We should leave soon. HARRY It’s early. JEN It’s late. HARRY It’s Mary’s time. AL Mary’s time isn’t a real clock. HARRY It’s the only clock that matters. (Music hits a peak. The DJ is in full command.) DJ (V.O.) BELMAR! MAKE SOME NOISE! BAR CROWD WOOOO! (From upstage, DAVE bursts in like a parade. His shirt is stained. His hair is somehow perfect. He is triumph and confusion.) DAVE GUYS! AL He’s here. HARRY He’s alive! MIKE He has a look. JEN Please don’t say you brought a turtle. DAVE I’M BACK! BARTENDER (from the bar, calling) ID? DAVE YES! I HAVE IT! I HAVE TWO! BARTENDER Two? DAVE Long story! JEN No. AL Yes. MIKE No. HARRY Yes! (DAVE talks while moving, unstoppable.) DAVE I found mine and then I found another one and then I found a guy who said it was his but I didn’t believe him because he didn’t look like the picture but then I remembered pictures are old— JEN Please stop. (DAVE reaches the bar, slaps down his wallet, produces his ID proudly. BARTENDER checks it, hands it back without comment.) BARTENDER What do you want? DAVE A shot. JEN No. DAVE A beer. JEN Fine. DAVE A shot with the beer. JEN No. DAVE Two beers. JEN That’s worse. DAVE One beer and one water. JEN That’s better. DAVE And a shot. JEN That’s worse again. AL Dave, how far did you wander? DAVE Not far. Like five blocks. Or fifteen. Or maybe I went in a circle for a while because the streets all look the same when you’re determined. MIKE Determined to do what? DAVE To succeed. JEN At what? DAVE At coming back. HARRY He did it. MIKE I’m concerned. DAVE Don’t be. I made friends. JEN No. DAVE Yes. There was a guy named Sal who told me a story about a jet ski and a pizza. AL That sounds like Belmar folklore. HARRY Sal is a prophet. MIKE Sit down. DAVE I can’t sit. I’m too alive. JEN That’s not a thing. SCENE 7 (HARRY suddenly gets sentimental, as if touched by a commercial.) HARRY We should take a picture. JEN With what? (HARRY pats his pockets, then freezes. Everyone realizes at once.) AL 1984. MIKE No cell phones. DAVE Wait. I can draw it. JEN No. HARRY We can do a photo booth! MIKE There’s a photo booth? AL There’s always a photo booth. (JEN points across the bar: a battered PHOTO BOOTH with a curtain. The CROWD moves like they’ve been there before.) JEN Fine. One strip. Then we leave. MIKE We are leaving. HARRY We are leaving. AL We’re leaving. DAVE We’re leaving. (They move to the booth. They cram in. It’s a physical comedy beat. Curtain struggles. Laughter. The booth flashes.) PHOTO BOOTH (a mechanical voice, optional) ONE. TWO. THREE. FOUR. (They spill out with the photo strip: tiny black-and-white images. HARRY holds it like a trophy.) HARRY Proof. AL Evidence. JEN A future mistake. MIKE A future argument. DAVE Art. JEN Don’t. SCENE 8 (Back at the bar for “the last round.” Everyone knows it’s a lie. But it’s a comforting lie.) MIKE Okay. One more drink. Then we go. HARRY Yes. AL Sure. JEN Yes. DAVE Possibly. MIKE No “possibly.” DAVE Definitely-ish. BARTENDER Last round? JEN Water. MIKE Water. AL Beer. HARRY Beer. DAVE Beer. JEN No shots. HARRY No shots. DAVE Shots? JEN No. (DAVE nods like he understands, but he doesn’t.) DJ (V.O.) THIS ONE’S FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID THEY WERE GOING HOME EARLY! (JEN looks up at the booth like it’s mocking her personally.) JEN That’s targeted. AL That’s personal. MIKE I never said that. JEN You thought it. MIKE I always think it. HARRY I’m having a moment. JEN Oh no. HARRY I love you idiots. (JEN wants to deflect but can’t fully.) JEN Don’t make it weird. MIKE It’s already weird. AL Let him have it. DAVE I love you too. JEN Please don’t hug me. DAVE I’m not. I’m hugging the air near you. JEN Better. (They drink. A small pause. The bar noise continues, but something softens among them.) MIKE All right. We finish. We go. ALL We finish. We go. (They stand. They actually begin to move—miracle.) DJ (V.O.) BELMAR! WAIT—ONE MORE TURTLE RACE! (They freeze. Spellbound. Even JEN.) JEN Absolutely not. HARRY Just one. JEN No. HARRY For tradition. JEN No. MIKE We’re leaving. AL We’re leaving. DAVE We’re— (HARRY turns to JEN, bargaining in a sacred tone.) HARRY Ten dollars. JEN No. HARRY Twenty. JEN No. HARRY I’ll carry the cooler tomorrow. (A beat. That’s serious currency. JEN wavers.) AL Uh-oh. MIKE That’s a real offer. JEN Fine. One. Then we go. HARRY Yes! MIKE We’re weak. AL We’re human. DAVE We’re Belmar. JEN Shut up and pick a turtle. (They surge back toward the TURTLE TABLE as the CROWD swells with them. The DJ’s voice rises. The music spikes.) DJ (V.O.) TURTLES UP FRONT! PLACE YOUR BETS! (As they disappear into the crowd, the PHOTO BOOTH strip remains on the high-top—small, black-and-white proof that they were here.) LIGHTS FADE. END

TURTLE  RACE AT BACKYARD DALLAS  https://backyarddallas.blogspot.com/2020/03/turtle-race-at-backyard-dallas.html

TURTLE RACES // HAPPY HOUR https://backyarddallas.blogspot.com/2019/10/turtle-races-happy-hour.html

$7 Craft and frozen drinks.