I apologise in advance, this won't be a positive post. This year was awful and beyond depressing. And the future feels bleak.

Me and my friends' struggle to afford living, while our professions are being stolen by soulless machines, developed and advocated for by equally soulless people. Our group suddenly lost a dear, longtime friend, and right after that, another had a brush-in with death due to a sudden medical emergency, and recovered only to be pulled back into thankless, unsustainable grind everyone is stuck in - because you've gotta survive, somehow. Don't even get me started on the violent events happening around the world.

Everyone seems just… so damn tired. Disillusioned. Resigned.

Frankly, I'm at a point where I regret not pushing through my burnout and health issues, to do more of my personal projects, stuff I consider a part of "actually living", when it was still feasible. Because allowing myself to heal, currently feels like a wasted time. Even though I know this is an irresponsible and unfair thing to say. Also very rich, considering even remembering to drink or eat felt too exhausting and mentally taxing during those days.

But I will keep crawling forward, not because I feel any hope anymore, or have strength left - but because what other option is there? I want to return to the fancomic I'm making, even though it's been in limbo for months. I want to keep contributing to my friends' gamedev projects. I still want to keep pursuing my passions, fulfil my goals. Even though, honestly, right now I don't know when and if it will be possible.

I may desperately feel like I want to turn into a stone statue, but the truth is, it's just the lethargy and apathy talking.

What I really want is to fucking live. I want me and my friends to thrive, to feel secure, and be able to do something that has meaning. Not struggle to barely vegetate in a world that never rewards, but only seeks to exploit our efforts to a point of them feeling futile.

That's it.