#tulpmancing

A similarly terrible day work-wise. The stress is eating it's way through me and it's taking its toll.

However! There were some interesting developments today in terms of Melissa. Did a spot of narration as I came into college, nothing spectacular there. No interaction for the rest of the day until after lunch. I was scheduled to meet with a woman working in student services, to discuss how to go through the whole UCAS process which eventually leads to going to Uni. The woman was called Karen, so that there's no confusion when I go "she this she that".

I took a seat by Karen's desk, and attempted to imagine Melissa in her own chair beside me. I quickly lost that image having been paying attention to Karen and what she was discussing. But when we got into looking at the actual UCAS website, and starting looking at courses, my head started to feel funny. It was some kind of queasiness, not like the dizziness from before, nowhere near severe as that, but I definitely did not feel right. I obviously took this as Melissa, and that she must be wanting me to follow this path and go to Uni. This would make sense, as I have been building her to be intelligent, caring, and encouraging. This uneasiness faded after a short while despite encouraging Melissa to keep doing whatever she was. My concentration was just too split between Karen and her in order to harbour anything more from Melissa. The rest of the meeting carried on as normal.

On the car ride home, I was giving her hugs and telling her how happy I was that she had managed to do something like that despite my mind being pre-occupied. I felt that similar warmth spreading from ear to ear again. I took this as a potential sign that she's wanting to say something to me. So I then spend all of my energy on her, focusing on her completely. She's right in front of me, and I say something along the lines of "I'm listening Melissa, speak". And then I could swear I heard the faintest mumble. I asked her to say that again. The mumble was the tiniest bit louder. Then I tried something which someone had suggested as a vocalisation exercise, I imagined myself being surrounded by speakers, and she the microphone connected to them. I said again "speak". And this was met with a definite mumble, It was not anything intelligible, and thus is what has been adopted as "tulpish". I don't know if after the first time how much I was parroting her or not, but I'm willing to give her the hugest benefit of the doubt because holy crap guys she's mumbling tulpish on day 5 if that was all her. DAY 5!

She's exceeding all expectations I've ever had. If we can develop this into full independent speech even if it takes 2-3 months I'll be so happy.

I woke up early this morning and spent some time focusing on personality traits again. Mainly reinforcing what I had already done, throwing in some extras like an encouraging nature to aid me follow through with ideas. I had created a monitor room that has the ability of printing out a book of a certain memory. My tulpa has full access to this room. I also created a music room. This is a large room that's a replica of the room that I would practise in the school orchestra. Here I have placed a grand piano, trumpet, French horn, guitar, and training books as a means to learn.

After getting up and reading some more logs of other people, I've decided on trying to give my tulpa a human form, as opposed to simply being a metallic cube. I settled on female, a bit shy of my height (so roughly 6ft), a modest build. Shapely, but nothing particularly stands out. She has ginger hair like myself, but I haven't settled on a hairstyle yet. I know I want it to be somewhere short-medium length, but the actual design is beyond me for the moment. Needless to say the face is also pretty much a blank slate. Sure there's a nose, mouth and eyes but I want to get everything else solid before I create what is arguably the most important part.

It's still morning, so I will narrate to her throughout the day as I remember to, and perhaps try forcing some more physical attributes when an idea strikes me.

She remains inanimate, but I do now experience head pressure when I am forcing. And this appears to be a very common symptom when starting out.