#ttcover35

Took another round of cytotec on Monday, nothing.  So that was 4 pills (200mg each) then another 4 pills 8 hours later... not even a cramp.  Bloated yes, cramps, no.

Tuesday had a second opinion on the East side of the state.  Drove 2 hours there, met for an hour and a half, liked him, drove home.  he told me he would never prescribe cytotec alone as it is only doing half t he job.... awesome.  he is going to look at my chart and get back with me.

Called the Fertility Center on Wednesday to say “Nothing happened on the cytotec”  They called back and suggested I go back to my OBGYN.  Seriously? Did they just break up with me? Because I was going to break up with them....

Called OBGYN, got an appointment for last Friday.  Talked, cried a bit, told her I didnt want more surgery....Scheduled a DNC for yesterday and here I sit.

My Mother In Law loves to tell me that God (her God) is in charge of my fertility.  That I need to surrender to him and let him be in control, it will all work out according to him.  

So... I can only assume if I ever keep a pregnancy it will be her God who is responsible? Are we giving him credit or making him responsible for my 4 miscarriages, 3 surgeries to clear out miscarriage #3, thousands I have spent on fertility meds and a failed IVF?   

Somehow probably not so I am not going to give him credit for my positive mental health, my ability to get up everyday and my ability to be thankful for what I do have.  

That is all me.  I own all of this, it belongs to no one else. Don’t give someone credit for my positives but not make them responsible for my negative... Take it all or leave it all. 

So I took a few months off.   After cleaning out of my uterus I decided to just chill the fuck out and enjoy my summer.  That is what we did, sort of.  

Unfortunately that didn’t last long as I became pregnant again in August.  I decided not to tell anyone other than my folks and sister since we would see them on vacation over Labor Day and they would know if I refused a beer.  

I didn’t get a scan, I just went on vacation and said I would deal with it when I got back.  I had spotting so I thought for sure I was done, already cried, grieved.  Sure enough, I had a hcg count of 21,000 and we saw the heartbeat.  We couldn’t get too excited since we had been here before.  

Friday we went back for a 7 week 2 day scan since we went 8 weeks last time, no heartbeat.  Not shocked, pissed... annoyed.  I had 6 conference calls on Friday so I didn’t have time to deal with it or sit and talk to a doctor who wouldn’t have any answers for me anyway.  Was it my thyroid, was it my “slightly” T shaped uterus shape, was it the giant hematoma that decided to show up between week 6 and 7?  No one knows. 

I stopped the progesterone and now I wait.... if this doesn’t miscarry naturally and I have to go through what I previously went through I might lose my shit.  

I have a second opinion appointment on the 28th.  I rescheduled it from the 7th.  I need better answers.   I now belong to miscarriage #4 club. 

1. I feel amazing today. Actually I felt amazing yesterday and instead of soup they suggested I ate a cheeseburger, fries and a chocolate shake.  I then ate strawberry shortcake.  This is what happens when I have surgery at 3 and cant eat all day.  Plus I weighed in at 125 and I could use some calories. 

2. They did a hysteroscopy so they could use a camera to see where the tissue was hiding.  The doctor told my husband that I was a totally an abnormal case.  Of course they don’t know why the tissue was so embedded in my uterus other than my life has never been normal.  

I guess he was working in there and had to hurry up to finish as the utensil for cutting used saline and they were running out. It normally lasts 20-30 minutes and he was in there for over 40.  

I did end up with pictures of my uterus and everything looks cleaned out and “normal”.  I can see pics of the tissue and what it looks like after he cut it out. My hope is that the brownish, water fluid stops leaking out. (This is what I believe the rotting tissue was putting out all these months) and that I can STOP wearing pads as three months wearing pads is totally annoying.    

Today I am relaxing.  Soon I will have to put together a plan of action for the future.    

He told my husband it was very uncommon.  I have to laugh....of course it is uncommon... it is me.  

Coming out of sedation always has it’s own set of funny stories.... My poor husband had to sit in the bathroom with me while I went #2, kept falling asleep on the toilet and then vomited a Motrin the nurse gave me for pain.  I was not embarrassed in the least bit.  I just went home and went to bed.  I love him even more today than before having to sit in my shit smell for 20 minutes.  :)  

Was told my fertility buddy, who had one embryo left to transplant, is now 10 weeks pregnant.  I guess I had been hiding in my own misery to check on her.... 

Literally not more than 15 minutes later a co worker just texted out her new baby photo. She had him via C section today.   

I took my 4 pills all at once (vaginally) last night.  here I am at work....nothing has happened.  

The last time I took the 4 pills orally (I was given the choice) and felt cramping within an hour and started bleeding.

Yesterday the nurse said vaginally would yield better results and to wait 24 hours for anything to happen.... ok so I am on hour 18 and nothing.... do i call tomorrow and say “WTF?”